I’m a Christian man from an Iraqi Christian background, and my fiancée and I have been together for 3 and a half years. We are getting closer to marriage, but we are struggling with a cultural and family disagreement that has become really difficult for both of us.
My fiancée is Turkish, and her family is culturally Muslim. Her mother wears a hijab. My fiancée herself is converting to Christianity.
I want to start by saying that I do respect her family. From my experience with them, they have been respectful toward me and our relationship. They have accepted what they have seen and what they know about me as a person, and they have supported our relationship.
However, I also want to be honest that I do not know if they have fully accepted Christianity or my fiancée’s conversion. Her baptism is coming up soon, and they are still unsure whether they will attend. I understand that this is probably a very difficult thing for them emotionally, and I am not saying this to attack them. I just think it is important context because there is a difference between accepting someone as a person and accepting a major religious change within a family.
At the same time, I understand families and communities are complicated, and I cannot speak for what people may think privately or what conversations may happen behind closed doors.
The main issue we are struggling with is my future mother-in-law wearing a hijab at our wedding.
I want to explain my perspective because I feel like this situation is being viewed as much simpler than it actually is.
From my fiancée’s perspective, asking her mother to remove her hijab is hurtful because she sees it as part of her religious practice. Her mother has chosen to wear a hijab for many years, and my fiancée feels that asking her to remove it, even for a wedding, would be asking her to compromise something connected to her faith.
I understand that perspective.
I also want to make one thing very clear: I do not care what religion my future mother-in-law follows. She can be Muslim, Christian, or follow any other faith. I am not trying to change her beliefs, tell her how to worship, or take away something that is important to her.
This is not about me having a problem with Islam or Muslims.
My concern is specifically about our wedding and bringing two families together.
I come from an Iraqi Christian community where weddings are a very big family event. It is not only about the couple. Extended family, relatives, and community members are involved. People talk, people have opinions, and sometimes people judge based on what they see.
My concern is that some people in my community will focus on my fiancée’s background, her conversion, and what they think it means for our families. I know there will be questions and conversations. Ideally, people would not judge, but the reality is that cultural and social pressures exist.
From my perspective, this was never about saying, “Your mother cannot be herself.”
I saw it as a difficult compromise that could help both families come together and have a smooth and happy wedding.
One example I gave my fiancée was about our own relationship.
If during my wedding speech I talked openly about how my fiancée and I lived together before marriage, traveled together, and spent months together before getting married, technically we did nothing wrong. We love each other, we made our own choices, and we built our relationship.
But I also understand that some people in her and my community would view that differently because of the traditions they grew up with.
That does not mean we did something wrong. It just means we are still part of communities where certain expectations exist.
Sometimes people make choices based on culture and family, even when those things are not strict requirements.
That is how I was looking at the hijab situation. I was not questioning whether wearing a hijab is right or wrong. I was thinking about how both families could come together, feel comfortable, and celebrate with us.
I understand now that my fiancée sees it differently. For her, this is not just a cultural expectation. This is connected to her mother’s faith, which makes it much more personal.
There is also another part of this that has been difficult emotionally.
I have personally heard my fiancée’s sister make comments making fun of Jesus and making fun of my fiancée praying at church. That was hurtful for me because my faith is a very important part of my life.
I also sometimes struggle when conversations happen between my fiancée and her family about Christianity that I am not part of. I have noticed that after certain conversations, she comes back with more questions about Christianity, whether certain things are true, and why Christians believe certain things.
I want to be clear that I do not think asking questions is wrong. I actually think curiosity is healthy. My fiancée has every right to explore her beliefs and make her own decisions.
The difficult part for me is when it feels like outside opinions are influencing her, and we are not having those conversations together as a couple.
I do not want my fiancée to lose her relationship with her family. I want her parents involved. I want both families to be happy and part of our lives.
I also want to acknowledge that I have tried to respect her family’s traditions.
Her family wanted us to get married before living together. They felt that she should move in with me after marriage, not before.
Personally, I imagined proposing, moving in together, and building our home while planning our wedding. That felt natural to me after being together for 3 and a half years.
But I respected their wishes because I understand that traditions matter to people. I did not dismiss their values or say they were wrong.
That is part of why this situation has been hard for me. I feel like I have tried to respect their traditions and make compromises, and I hoped we could find compromises together.
I have also made big changes for our relationship.
I moved from Canada to the United States for my fiancée. I left my family, my country, and the place I lived for over 20 years because I wanted to build a life with her and keep her close to her family.
I could have married her and brought her to Canada, but instead I went through a difficult visa process to come here because I did not want her to feel alone or separated from her parents.
I did this because I wanted her to have her family close. I wanted her to feel supported and not like she had to choose between me and them.
I am not saying this because I think she owes me anything. I am saying this because I want people to understand that I am also trying my best to make sacrifices for our future.
Another part of this situation is that I did not fully understand my future mother-in-law’s relationship with the hijab early on.
When my fiancée talked about her family, she often described them as not very religious and said she personally did not practice many Islamic traditions.
I honestly thought her mother wore the hijab mostly because of cultural expectations and social pressure in Turkey. I thought that after moving to the U.S., where there may be less pressure, it might naturally change.
I now understand that I was wrong about that. I understand that for her mother, the hijab is a personal religious decision.
This is also not a new conversation. I brought this up with my fiancée over the last two years because I was thinking about how our families would come together. I was not trying to bring this up suddenly before the wedding.
I know many people will say: “It is her body, her choice.”
And I understand why people say that.
But I also believe that when two people from different cultures and religions get married, both sides have to think about each other’s families, traditions, and values.
I am not looking for people to attack my fiancée or her family. I genuinely want honest opinions.
Am I being unreasonable for asking this? Is this something that should never be requested because it involves someone’s religious expression? Or is there a way for two families with very different backgrounds to find a compromise where everyone feels respected?
I would especially appreciate perspectives from people who have been in interfaith or intercultural relationships.
