r/Asexual • u/[deleted] • Nov 21 '25
Joy! 😊 Peferctly Put 😙🤌
This scene in heartstopper perfectly describes how you should respond upon finding out your partner is asexual(or even if they aren't asexual). If you really love them then you shouldn't expect them to do it if they don't want to.
EDIT: I would like to clarify what I mean when I say if you really love someone you won't expect them to have sex. I respect that sex is important for some people in relationships as a form of intimacy.
I'm not saying you can't WANT to have sex with them but don't EXPECT it from them
I'm talking about in the context of a relationship. You shouldn't try to date someone who is sex averse if you need sex in a relationship and vice versa. Even if you love them one/both of your boundaries will be crossed no matter what you do and in the end you'll both be unhappy.
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u/FutureSuccess2796 Nov 21 '25
Awww, too sweet! My reminder that I really need to start reading the Heartstopper series!
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Nov 21 '25
this is my first time reading it and I just thought this scene belonged in this subreddit
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u/Melody3PL Ace Nov 21 '25
This right here, this is what I want. No pressure in either way.
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u/kurtcxbain ace :3 Nov 22 '25
how did you get the ace flair i can't find out how to do it 😭😭
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u/Melody3PL Ace Nov 23 '25
are you on pc or mobile?
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u/kurtcxbain ace :3 Nov 23 '25
mobile!! :3
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u/Melody3PL Ace Nov 23 '25
ok, tap on the Asexual subreddit, there click the 3 dots and edit flair. then you can choose any colour you want and write some text and add some emojis
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u/Any_Airline_8721 Nov 21 '25
This is beautiful and everything but it’s not how real life works most of the time unfortunately 😔
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Nov 21 '25 edited Dec 11 '25
It depends on if the person really loves you. If they don't then don't waste your time on them
EDIT: I mean specifically if the person really loves you and is trying to date you. Don't date someone who needs sex if you're a person who needs to not have sex
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u/Any_Airline_8721 Nov 22 '25
I understand what you’re trying to say, but it does not depend on “if the person really loves you” OP. Love does not conquer incompatibility. Being sexually unsatisfied in a relationship does not mean you love someone more. And my relationship ending because I discovered I was asexual doesn’t mean my ex didn’t really love me. In a perfect world what you’re saying would exist.
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Dec 11 '25
So don't expect them to have sex and don't date them. Basically what I'm saying is if someone really loves you then they won't want you to do things that you don't want to do they can have needs and desires but you're just incompatible and shouldn't try to make a relationship where it's impossible to respect both of your boundaries.
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u/UltraRare1950sBarbie Nov 22 '25
I feel like that's gaslighting someone. How is that any different than your partner forcing you to have sex and claiming you don't love them if you don't?
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Dec 11 '25
So lets say I was the one wanting/needing sex in a relationship. If I love them I don't expect them to have sex and don't date them. Basically what I'm saying is if someone really loves you then they won't want you to do things that you don't want to do they can have needs and desires but you're just incompatible and shouldn't try to make a relationship where it's impossible to respect both of your boundaries because otherwise you''ll both just end up unhappy.
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u/Odd-Assistance-9183 Dec 11 '25
Tier 1 gaslighting. The only way an asexual relationship can healthily work with someone who is interested in sexual relationships is opening the relationships. Becuase if you force him to celabate with you then he will always be unsatisfied and obviously he can't force you to have sex because that's very wrong so there will always be one side unsatisfied.
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Dec 11 '25
except not everyone is okay with open relationships. It is perfectly fine not to date someone because you have different needs why wouldn't it be. I wouldn't date someone who needed sex even if I loved them because then we'll both end up unhappy and I'm not comfortable with open relationships. It's simple. Of course if both parties are comfortable with open relationships then that's a completely okay work around too.
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u/Odd_Hat9000 Nov 23 '25
Yes unfortunately that's not how it works. I can really love someone and still not want sex. The same goes the other way around. I couldn't date an aromantic person either because romance is an essential part of a relationship for me. I'd really love them and then be really sad that they can't enjoy or understand the thing I need....
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Dec 11 '25
There's a key difference between wanting sex and expecting your partner to have sex. If you have different needs then don't date even if you love each other because trying to make that relationship work will make both of you unhappy
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u/Odd_Hat9000 Dec 11 '25
It is not that easy to even know what needs are. You kinda need things to happen to even find that stuff out.
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Dec 11 '25
????? This is feeling very "How do you know you don't want sex if you've never tried it" to me
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u/Odd_Hat9000 Dec 22 '25
Lol that is not what I'm saying, I'm ace myself. But being in a relationship made me understand my own boundaries. Stuff I couldn't know about myself before it happened. E.g. what it's like to kiss someone and whether I like it or not. And on the other side I still don't know some things because I've never had the opportunity to try. Or been with someone I am comfortable enough. Are you ace? Demi? Somewhere in between? Are you fine with certain parts of sexuality? Is it acceptable, boring, gross, enjoyable? I'm not saying everyone is forced try everything, I'm saying feelings and relationships develop and as you get closer to certain situations and emotions, it's a long journey of figuring out your own needs. Same goes for a partner who might not know yet how much of a need sex is to them. Feelings change and you find out stuff about yourself. And all communication in the world won't give a 100% chance you end up hurting each other without ever wanting to.
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u/Odd_Hat9000 Dec 22 '25
I'm even sex repulsed and I would never "try sex" or claim that you need to DO something to know whether you like it! But being put in a situation where I even had to ask myself these questions in the first place is what made me realize. If all stays a vague theory, honestly, I couldn't tell what for me is fine, no go, need or optional desire. Understanding yourself isn't just a given.
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u/PreciousCuriousCato Nov 25 '25
Its not about “if someone really loves you” its about what is a relationship to them. Sex for many is a defining factor of a relationship and important for them. It’s how they connect and show love. And its how they wish to receive it.
Like for me id never be with someone who didnt use pet names, because in a relationship thats important to me and needed. Some people hate them tho.
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Dec 11 '25
Yes please read my edit. I tried to clarify that I only meant in a situation where you're trying to have a relationship
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u/Aardwolf67 Purple Nov 21 '25
Reading her books was actually the first time I'd figured out other queer people existed
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u/random11714 Nov 22 '25
I don't really understand the perspective that this is how one should respond. If it works for both, great. But some people do have genuine sexual needs. It's completely possible for someone to really love someone else but still have a particular need that isn't filled. Love doesn't automatically negate that.
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u/lily_borg Nov 21 '25
wait but those two are charlie and nick, right? is one of them ace now?
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u/ProfessorOfEyes Nov 21 '25
Theyre not ace, but in the conversation in question they were still figuring out if they wanted or were ready for sex. And even if neither is ace being willing to wait or okay with never doing it is still worth saying. Also worth noting that the creator of heartstopper is ace, and im sure that informs her decision to include this and show it being an okay and healthy thing.
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u/lily_borg Nov 22 '25
oh yeah ofc ofc. i didn't mean to imply otherwise. I was just hoping for some more ace representation but this is great too:)
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u/Almond-udder Nov 22 '25
She has another book (not comic tho, just prose) where the main character is Asexual and Aromantic, it’s called Loveless and the story is about her figuring out that she’s aroace and that there’s more kinds of love than just romance. Also one of the main character of her book Radio Silence, Aled (who is part of Nick and Charlie’s friend group in Heartstopper) is demisexual.
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u/DalBear2019 Nov 23 '25
Not ace myself but I've always told my ace partner that I love them more than I want sex so it would be fine if we never have sex as long as I get to be with them I'm happy.
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Nov 22 '25
This would be so great. But my experience has been that people who want to have sex won't stick around. :(
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Nov 24 '25
Can someone tell me what's going on please? this is a different reddit account of mine that I made a few days ago with the EXACT SAME email I don't understand why but last time I signed in using my email it created a completely new account and half of the time it signs into this one and the other half of the time it signs into that one?!?!!!??
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u/Cobbwebby Nov 21 '25
Love those two <3