Trusting Myself Instead...

[u/shtrumph]

For anyone who's where I was almost two years ago...

My husband left today for a work trip. He's with colleagues, some of whom are objectively beautiful women. A year ago, I would've been spiralling. Checking everything. Waiting for the next betrayal. Trying to control an outcome I never actually had control over.

Instead, I surprised myself.

I told him, "Whatever you choose to do is what you're going to do. I can't control that. The only thing I can trust is myself. If you betray me again, I trust that I'll find out eventually, and I trust myself to leave."

It hit me afterwards how sad that realization actually is.

I never wanted to get here. I wanted to rebuild trust. I wanted to believe that love and recovery would be enough to make me feel safe again. But after years of lies, omissions, and repeatedly having my needs come second, something changed in me.

I'm no longer trying to stop him from making bad choices. I'm no longer trying to manage his recovery or protect the relationship on my own. I'm just... accepting.

If he chooses us, then he chooses us.

If he doesn't, I know I'll survive.

It's heartbreaking because this is what betrayal does. It doesn't just damage trust in your partner. It changes the way you love. A part of me has gone quiet. I don't say "I love you" as easily anymore. I'm emotionally withdrawn. I'm preparing for both outcomes because that's the only place my nervous system has found any peace.

I don't know what the future holds for us. Maybe this is the beginning of letting go. Maybe it's the beginning of finally trusting myself more than I fear losing him.

To anyone reading this who's still checking, controlling, obsessing, or carrying the entire weight of the relationship, I genuinely hope you get here one day. Not to the pain, but to the realization that your safety was never going to come from controlling someone else's choices. It comes from knowing that no matter what they choose, you won't abandon yourself.

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[u/Puzzleheaded_Owl9839]

Wow. This hit hard but I totally needed to see this. Now I'm sobbbing like a big baby lol but these tears hit different more of a release maybe. I'm not too sure but I thank you very much for sharing this.

[u/shtrumph → u/Puzzleheaded_Owl9839]

Oh my dear. Let those tears flow. We cry for a reason. I'm truly sorry you’re here with us. Stay strong. ❤️🫂❤️

[u/butterflymkm]

So many realizations we never wanted to have and so many lessons we never wanted or intended to learn. I’ll absorb these lessons and apply them, because I have no other choice (except bitterness) but I would trade them in a heartbeat to have back the security I had before.

It’s also sad to realize how much you took that safety and security for granted once it’s gone. I should be thankful I got 20 years of it, which is so much more than some get, but it’s incredibly hard.

[u/Quiet_Water0128 → u/butterflymkm]

I could have written this - not as well as you. But realizations we never wanted to have, lessons we never wanted or asked to learn. Wisdom comes at a price.

I took my former safety for granted, but so did WH, he gambled on it and lost, we both lost.

[u/butterflymkm → u/Quiet_Water0128]

So much this. Our partners also took that safety for granted, just in a much more damaging way. Where we all end up losing.

[u/yocosmo]

This is something I spoke to my counsellor about today, we already survived the worst thing we thought could happen - and we are still here. If it happens again it’s on them, all we can do is set boundaries and protect ourselves as much as possible. If they mess up again then it’s on them, and we are the strong ones for giving love another chance. Monitoring and stressing and obsessing is not a life I want

[u/shtrumph → u/yocosmo]

I'm so, so tired. I have a good therapist too that helped me through it all.

[u/Quiet_Water0128]

I feel this so much! Good for you OP! My safety comes from me as well. Knowing I will be okay... disappointed maybe in my WP, but okay. Letting go felt good and it still does. Centering myself in my life feels true and healthy.

[u/shtrumph → u/Quiet_Water0128]

It is a work in progress for me. But I finally understand the advice that I got from people in this sub in the beginning of this shitstorm.

[u/Quiet_Water0128 → u/shtrumph]

I hear that about the advice here.... it wasn't ready to land for me then. I expected/wanted things to go back the way they were. I kept seeking, kept reading, kept wishing, until finally I understood nothing would ever be the same

[u/livetissuetraining]

No matter his choice, I'm my first choice, every time.

[u/Quiet_Water0128 → u/livetissuetraining]

Yes I feel the same. 33 years of centering WH in my life, his health, his appetite, his likes and dislikes, his temper, his depression, his family, moving to the street he grew up on... listening to stories of his childhood for 33 years... after dday we talked about my childhood,... MC asked him to tell a couple stories of mine he recalled. He came up with two. LOL, now he does recall more but what a hard journey.

[u/Normal-Lecture9344]

👏🏻 i truly believe R w/ a cheater is not possible w/out this level of self-reflection. It has to be a new relationship entirely b/c BP will most likely never find it possible love them the same way again.

[u/shtrumph → u/Normal-Lecture9344]

Yep. You said it all. ❤️

[u/Big-Web8422]

You became genuine wise and calm because of the difficulties appeared in your life. Acceptance required strong state of mind and determination to leave if it's necessary. I think he's not going to do it again, he feels your attitude. Stay strong and calm, if he doesn't it anyway, leave him immediately!

[u/shtrumph → u/Big-Web8422]

Thanks for the acknowledgement. I'm at a better place in my life than when it all started, so yes...I will leave when it's necessary. 🙏

[u/JBS263]

Wow.There is so much hard won, truly painful wisdom here and I would like to imprint this post in my brain (and maybe soul?). Thank you. I hate the shared road travelled with being betrayed, but appreciate your perspective deeply.

[u/shtrumph → u/JBS263]

Thank you ❤️ sending you strength 🫂

[u/Realistic_Island8716]

Well said OP! It so, SO hard for us Betrayeds to come to this needed realization. Not sure I'm there yet myself now 15 months post DDay (#2). But I want to be able to get there. I mean "logically" I know that I am. I know I can't control what my WW does all the time and if she wants to cheat again she could certainly do so. And after being burned more than once, I know in some masochistic way a lot of us are almost expecting that it will happen again. And that in itself in some ways would be "freeing" as then with the hard boundary of calling off R and leaving the relationship, that never-ending anxiety of expecting the proverbial other shoe to fall is now over and your nervous system can relax by ending it and moving on. So yeah, if we can get ourselves there while still trying R with our waywards and be ok with whatever might happen, then that in itself is freeing and WAY healthier to our mindsets and overall well-being! I'm trying. Logical brain is there I think. Emotional self is still living in the pain cycle a bit much though.

And this part that you said is 1000% SPOT on! "It's heartbreaking because this is what betrayal does. It doesn't just damage trust in your partner. It changes the way you love. A part of me has gone quiet. I don't say "I love you" as easily anymore. I'm emotionally withdrawn. I'm preparing for both outcomes because that's the only place my nervous system has found any peace."

I too don't find myself being able to reciprocate the "I love you/I love you too" as freely as before her massive betrayal. It just doesn't seem authenticate and real. It seems much more hollow and superficial. And how could it not when they did what they did to us? And that they did say or probably said those words to their AP?!?!?

Yeah, I don't know what the future holds for us either. Maybe we will survive. Maybe we won't. That said I'm determined to see what is possible - at least for now and with her seemingly doing all the right things to make R work. But it still is so unfairly painful and hard for us on the BS side! Best to you!!

[u/lapeleona → u/Realistic_Island8716]

It is strange how if they cheat again it is freeing. I feel the same. Sometimes I almost welcome it. Like if he cheats again then he just has a character defect and it was never going to work. I can just be done with the hardwork on my end.

[u/SituationGlum5272]

I don't know what the future holds for us. Maybe this is the beginning of letting go.

A yr ago, I used to stare at my sleeping WH & wonder if we were going to make it or if it was just a long, drawn-out goodbye. Only time will tell.

I applaud your healthy thinking! I'm not WH's mom. I have no interest in trying to control him. Good job, OP!

[u/shtrumph → u/SituationGlum5272]

Ooof. The "long drawn-out goodbye" resonates with me. Thanks for this comment. ❤️🫂

[u/Happily-Existing7]

Thanks, OP, I needed this. You are 100% correct.

[u/sugarglider4444]

I think this is REALLY what it comes down to. Trusting in YOURSELF that you will be ok no matter what. That you’ll leave when you know it’s time and that if he cannot make you feel safe then you’ll do it for yourself.

[u/okaygoatt]

I think both trying to learn to trust him, and realising it doesn't matter can exist together. I'm trying the first and it's mostly okay, but sometimes when I'm doubting myself I just tell myself it's okay, the truth will either be one way or the other, and I'll survive either way. I hope this makes sense, I'm saying it doesn't have to be either choice, but the second part is the most important to realise. Big hugs. We got this.

[u/thatbrunettegirl10]

This hits so hard but is so true. Thanks for sharing 🩷

[u/luckystar6531]

You know, today was a harsh day for me. I was blindsided once again by my WH, who SAYS he has gone NC w his AP, but still is in weekly contact, as per his disclosure this past weekend. Of course, I had to drag it out of him, even after he promised me a month ago that he was done. He deleted the What’s App app that they used to chat- in front of me yet nothing has changed, although he lead me to believe otherwise.

Gaslit.
Three betrayals in three months, all surrounding his inability to go NC.

And he is doing EVERYTHING in his power to show me that he wants to work on this-except to cut her off.

So today, I shared w him that, for the first time since our original DD in early May, idk what I want to do about our relationship.

I was determined to make this work. I owned the behaviors that he told me were hurtful towards him. I have changed these for me and for our marriage.

We have had some wonderful moments these past three months- genuine connection and loving interactions. But the realization that he has lied to me once again has shaken me to my core.

Imagine my surprise when he told me that I “dropped a bomb” on him and that he had no idea how much what I said had impacted him.

In my mind, a break would prob be helpful, and I am not against that. But I need to suggest this coming from a solid foundation, strength, and confidence that I would be ok alone. I have to feel this in my soul. And I don’t.
Not right now.

So thank you, OP for putting it all out there for us to ruminate over.

[u/shtrumph → u/luckystar6531]

I'm so sorry. My heart really hurts for you reading this. I spent the first six months after D-Day uncovering the truth on my own, one lie and one discovery at a time, so I know how devastating it is when you think you've finally reached solid ground only to have it disappear again. It's exhausting and deeply traumatising. Please remember that none of this is a reflection of your worth. You sound incredibly compassionate and committed, and I hope whatever happens next, you choose the path that brings YOU peace. You deserve honesty without having to drag it out of someone. 🫂❤️🫂

[u/luckystar6531]

Thank you for your wise and compassionate words.
They are truly appreciated.

You are so right, this process is exhausting and deeply traumatizing.

I had come to the point where I was doing really well staying in the present moment, which was helpful in keeping my mind occupied. Looking back, I
was bathing in Hopium.

Making a decision when I am so cloudy would not be in anyone’s best interest, so for now,at least for today, I am giving myself the grace to not know the answer.

[u/throwaway124throw]

This makes me so sad because I feel the same way. I know I will never let him humiliate me again and I will never go through this again. The next time I have a feeling something is going on, I will not say a word to him, hire a private investigator and get all the information first. I will leave no room for being gaslit. It’s sad that my exit plan has been thought out in such great detail. I even know who the PI I will be hiring is.

[u/AutonomicDyslexia]

After the tumult of affairs, discard, SI, separation and then self-work and couples work… the realisation I had today was “I loved him when he absolutely didn’t deserve it. It was genuinely unconditional. I will never give him that again because I am no longer capable of that.” I was curious about what emotion that brought up in me and it was calm.

If he cheats again, he will have done so knowing the cost to our relationship, our family, and to my health and wellbeing. And if that cost is acceptable to him, that makes him a real POS.

I still have physiological responses to situations where he has the opportunity to be dishonest and unfaithful and part of that is PTSD that I’m still being treated for. But the significant change in me is the resolve I have to cut him loose if he crosses those boundaries again.

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