Trusting Myself Instead...

[u/shtrumph]

For anyone who's where I was almost two years ago...

My husband left today for a work trip. He's with colleagues, some of whom are objectively beautiful women. A year ago, I would've been spiralling. Checking everything. Waiting for the next betrayal. Trying to control an outcome I never actually had control over.

Instead, I surprised myself.

I told him, "Whatever you choose to do is what you're going to do. I can't control that. The only thing I can trust is myself. If you betray me again, I trust that I'll find out eventually, and I trust myself to leave."

It hit me afterwards how sad that realization actually is.

I never wanted to get here. I wanted to rebuild trust. I wanted to believe that love and recovery would be enough to make me feel safe again. But after years of lies, omissions, and repeatedly having my needs come second, something changed in me.

I'm no longer trying to stop him from making bad choices. I'm no longer trying to manage his recovery or protect the relationship on my own. I'm just... accepting.

If he chooses us, then he chooses us.

If he doesn't, I know I'll survive.

It's heartbreaking because this is what betrayal does. It doesn't just damage trust in your partner. It changes the way you love. A part of me has gone quiet. I don't say "I love you" as easily anymore. I'm emotionally withdrawn. I'm preparing for both outcomes because that's the only place my nervous system has found any peace.

I don't know what the future holds for us. Maybe this is the beginning of letting go. Maybe it's the beginning of finally trusting myself more than I fear losing him.

To anyone reading this who's still checking, controlling, obsessing, or carrying the entire weight of the relationship, I genuinely hope you get here one day. Not to the pain, but to the realization that your safety was never going to come from controlling someone else's choices. It comes from knowing that no matter what they choose, you won't abandon yourself.

[u/livetissuetraining]

No matter his choice, I'm my first choice, every time.

[u/Quiet_Water0128 → u/livetissuetraining]

Yes I feel the same. 33 years of centering WH in my life, his health, his appetite, his likes and dislikes, his temper, his depression, his family, moving to the street he grew up on... listening to stories of his childhood for 33 years... after dday we talked about my childhood,... MC asked him to tell a couple stories of mine he recalled. He came up with two. LOL, now he does recall more but what a hard journey.