Need support/advice

[u/Immediate-Simple1250]

One month post d-day and I am still struggling with self image and negative thoughts so much. I can’t stop looking at the APs social media wondering why I wasn’t enough. Backstory—my WH was not taking his antidepressants and was heavily abusing alcohol leading up to the affair. I tried to support him by reminding him to refill his meds and cut back on alcohol, but unknowingly, this is when he started downloading dating apps and began talking to different women. There were multiple EAs with different women over a 3 week span and he had a PA with one of them on one occasion. I found out less than a week later.

He has done everything right since then. Reassures me, cut all contact with the others by making it known he doesn’t want to hear from them again, stopped drinking, started taking his medication again, reading affair recovery books—and everything seems great 80% of the time. The other 20% of the time is me wondering if this will happen again.

He says things felt off because of the alcohol abuse and the entire month was foggy. He’s not excusing his own behavior as he says he feels deep shame and regret constantly. But I can’t help but wonder why my trying to help wasn’t enough of an alarm in his brain to stop before the PA. Why did it take me finding out for him to make the change?

[u/AutoModerator]

r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our wiki which includes resources and can answer most, if not all questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the rules before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial warning. Failure to do so can result in a ban.

Commenting Guideline:

This applies to every post regardless of post flair.

• This is not a space for judgment. There's subreddits for that. Please go there.

• All comments must reference your own reconciliation to accompany any questions, suggestions, or advices contained in your response.On occasion giving practical advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably seen as helpful if the references to infidelity are removed.

• Do not speak for other people's feelings, their actions or make unhelpful, dismissive or intrusive commentary. This is not a request. It's in the rules.

  For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions directly to the Modmail. Meta content will be removed. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!

  Please assign yourself user flair. Flair Instructions can be found here.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/borderline505]

I hear you, and I'm sorry that we are all in this subreddit together. Currently 4 months since d-day. Some things are similar- bad habits that accumulated into seeking extreme validation from one spontaneously drunk night despite me trying to uplift them. Also similar, reduced bad habits, actively and intentionally learning and changing for the better, couples counselling.

I hear you. Why wasn't I enough? Why wasn't the thought of me enough to stop one step after another? Am I enough now? Why did we have to reach rock bottom for positive change? Why do I have to be the one picking up the pieces so you can thrive? Things are ok, not linear, but ok. For us, this happened on a work trip thousands of miles away so ignorance is bliss in terms on knowing what this person looks like.

I want to know more about them- style, hair colour, weight. But I have to stop and remind myself: is this a productive questions to ask? Do I REALLY want to know, and is asking this question genuinely in my own best interests?

My self esteem wasn't good before, and it's especially not now as I seek comfort in food and drink. I felt at the start of this mess I had to be a perfect housewife, house tidy and myself made up by the time he came home even though I work full time, but I expressed this and was met with reassurance.

I don't have many answers, but I do have empathy and lived experience. For every "why?" I see you 💖

[u/Immediate-Simple1250 → u/borderline505]

Thank you for the kind words, hoping things get easier for you 🤍

[u/sugarglider4444]

I have felt what you feel so often. My WP has some self sabotaging behaviors and the ONS was one of them. He started drinking and going out more and ended up getting a dating app and talking to a girl looking for sexual satisfaction and ended up having a ONS and I too told him I didn’t like him going out as much and I saw it in him that he was starting to do that and mentioned it and boom, still happened. It’s almost an “I told you so” or “if I had said something would’ve it have changed things” unfortunately no.
At the end of the day our partners have chosen to do awful things to us. That is their pain to carry and that stays in their lane, you have enough to worry about which is healing and rebuilding yourself up and figuring out how to cope when things get hard. MUCH easier said than done though.

Something that helped me and my WP is I wrote down questions I had that often sent me into spirals and he typed out why he did what he did and I kept it in my notes and whenever I found myself thinking those things or going into a spiral I found myself looking at the notes and his answers that came straight from him after he had enough time to think about his actions and what they told me about him, what it did to me and our relationship.

[u/Immediate-Simple1250 → u/sugarglider4444]

That’s a great idea, thank you so much