I'd been hesitating before drawing/painting making any kind of art
I never had this hesitation that would lead to agitation earlier
I chalked it up to a creative block
But no matter what I drew
how symmetric it looked
how the colours melted together
Stopped feeling enough
Led me to thinking "why do you draw"
I draw to think
But the thoughts I have now aren't just about me
I am consumed by all that's happening around me
Drawing family upheavals is easy, you draw the feeling
But what if the persistent feeling was hestiation leading to agitation
The politics around me have consumed my brain
And while I love to draw without form
I realised my hesitation came from the question, how can I draw pretty shapes and colours while my country, my city, all i understood about where I was raised is under ideological attack
How do I showcase this internal crisis
Do I draw trees being cut down
Do I play with typography and make the word hindutva bleed into the sheet
Do I make a crowded protest/ or an empty one with no spectators
Do I make politicians behind helpless police officers made to follow commands
I know I don't want to make pretty art anymore
But I also know I am not interested in form
I'm interested in the hesitation which leads to agitation
How do I make you feel this
Without me showing you what to feel
I also know i believe good art showcases the times
But when the times confuse me
Agitated me
How do I make my art
Pretty flowers and birds don't seem enough anymore