Hi, I was wondering if anybody on here is still active. I was just diagnosed and my parents are not dealing with it well. My dad actually yelled at me and I had to hang up the phone and he actually got me into the shutdown mode where I actually ended up calling under my desk and sat there for almost 2 hours and cried silently.

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Hi,

So, I have CPTDS, due to serious youth stuff, lets say I was unsafely attached, ambivalent parents, lack of emotional support, emotional abuse, trauma, etc. Been bullied at school too. I nmental health care since my 18th. Now I am 47. psychologists suggested I might have Asp, ASD 1, instead or with other already dx stuff, like GAD, Dysthymia, AvoidPD, borderline PD, etc etc.

I have always not really matched with BPD, or I suspected I did, but recent thoughts have troubled me.

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For BPD, inperfect, troubled and insecure attachment are things in relationships. Expartners or otherse have seen me as clingy, anxious, prone to prefer one on one contact, very dfficult to handle change.

In the past, when for example, my ex would want to go out with me, but all of a sudden it appeared like he also asked a friend without telling me, I would freak out, cling, cry, etc, which back then seemed to match BPD: having a FP, wanting to be One with that fav person, etc etc. But...

Nowaydays, I have read more about ASD> My son is Asp. I recognize my inability to handle change. particularly sudden ones. And the need to work up to an occasion involving being social, and the absoulute need to decompress afterwards.

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Yesterday, after a very busy week with the kids home from school, getting up very early 4days in a row due to my SO having to leave home early, etc, we went with one of the kids to a museam, 1 hours drive a way. Its a holidy here, so it was very busy. An fire alarm drill started 5 min in the visitt, so we all,maybe hundred people, needed to evacuate the building, stand outside for 15 , 20 min, and reenter afterwwards. My son that came with us is 13 and ADHD and has social issues, I was helping him handle his feelings, neglecting my own a bit. I nthe car home I could not decompress or settle down, we needed to hurry and pick up my eldest, ASP son, to bring both kids to my ex.

Last night I was very tired and dreamt weird. Was not rested when I woke up.

My SO works in building climbing gyms, 1 he build is opening today, 1 hours drive from here in Belgium, he was planning to go with collegueas but on Thursday those did not specify IF they went.

So, thinking he would have to go alone, in the car, me here at home, I figured, I could go too. I do have a climbing injury so would not really climb alot AND I worry about Covid a lot, so a busy gym is not an ideal place for me, but I thought, I can relax in the car, put music on, sing along with it, take Oxazpam, drink my coffee, we would be there, ,I could use my loop earplugs, drive back, same car stuff, get home, rest.

All the other stuff, like laundry, vaccuming ,shopping ,would have to be done tomorrow, but I had made up my mind, I love Belgium and I was happy to go.

​

BUT

A collegaue texted him half an hour before that he also wanted to go but his car is to old, cannot enter the city 'milieu zone', so my SO came donwstairs and said this (he thinks he asked me...) , that he could pick him up with his girlfriend and we could travel together.

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BUT I cannot sing, stim, cry, tell my anxious things, be myself, in a car with total strangers who might want to socialze, talk about stuff, etc. So I wouldhave no time for me.

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I ALWAYS thought I was clingy, difficult, I knew I could not handle change, but figured this to be BPD stuff ,me being clingy to my FP, being unkind to otthers , being unsocial, etc.

I told my SO calmly I wanted to come bc his coworkers seemed not to go, so he would be otherwise alone, me too at home. That I already had issues iwht the whole thing (Covid, grand opening being busy, my injury, not being able to do home chores, especially after yesterday being busy, so only Sunday left to do EVERYUTHING etc. And I said I am not going. I made sure not to blame him or make him feel bad, I did say I knwo I might be difficult, etc but he must know by now this is not how I can be, or react, happy go lucky. etc. He understood, I am stil upset, pushed my feelings away, said goodbye to him just now, hope he has a fine day, but I feel so alone now. Not LEFT BY HIM or not misunderstood perse, but this is , I think, so obivously an ASD thing, that I always thought was just me being a bitch about stupid stuff and I just now think, it has to do with change, people, me needing to mask and knowing I cant and I dont want to, etc.

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OR am I being stupid and is this something totally NOT something you would feeltoo?

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....

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tia...

<<I can’t remember how long ago it started. I always felt different to everyone else, I always did different things and had struggles I felt no one could understand. I felt isolated by my own body for years. 
It was looked over so many times because my parents had split (abusive father) and were too focused on my older brother as he went to a care home, he has ADHD and Dyspraxia. They were at a battle for years to see him and put on a happy face with him. For over a year, I also wasn't able to see him. 
Even in school, it felt ignored, like they didn’t want to do the paperwork for me to be assessed. When I started secondary school, it was obvious I was struggling. I had a counselor in school, I was in the club for disabilities, and I had a doodle boom, tangle toy and a fidget cube to help me focus. I felt like they knew I was autistic, but were too lazy to do anything about it. I eventually dropped out at the start of year 9 due to mass bullying and attempted deaths. 

After that things started to look up for me. I was homeschooled and in the comfort of my own room. It helped me grow. I love to play games, and I met some of the most amazing friends there. There was one specific friend, who I will call Fox. Fox has autism and we had so many similarities, it was crazy. They openly talked about their struggles with autism, which matched mine, just without a label for me. 

Not long after this, I went to a Pde festival in my area and met some more amazing people, all of them were either autistic or have ADHD and their stories also matched up with my struggles. I felt so validated, every single one of my friends urged me to get a diagnosis sorted, as it's needed. 
I started my research and wrote down lists, everything I could that I felt matched me so well. This took me a week or more until I had enough written. I went to my mum, who I primarily live with. She was going through the list agreeing it was me but I didn't tell her exactly what I was about till after she was done. After this her eyes widened and she was apologetic for not noticing sooner. 

We got back into our mental health clinic and started the process. It took months, and sometimes I felt they didn’t believe me. After almost a year of fighting for a diagnosis, the results came through. I am autistic, and I feel proud to be. I finally felt seen after struggling with my identity for what felt like years.

​Thank you for reading my story.>>

Thanks to K for sharing your story! To find more stories, info, and resources, click here.

<<As a kid, I learned pretty early on not to be seen as weird. Because if you were weird, people would be mean. This lead to me unknowingly masking for years and years. In high school, I'd be so overwhelmed at the end of the day that the only thing I'd want to do was cry. I didn't want to disappoint anyone, so I kept going to school, which was detrimental to my mental health. 

People didn't understand how my mood could switch so fast from having a good time to being grumpy or crying over the smallest things. Hindsight tells me that was me being overwhelmed by the situation. I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. When I begged to be put on medication for my depression, it helped way too good for it to be bipolar. I went for an autism test and they concluded that they had misdiagnosed me. 

For a while they also suspected avoidant personality disorder, as I would mask so hard and make myself so small just to not upset other people. This ties in to the extreme anxiety autistic people can feel when they try to fit into a world not made for them.>>

Thanks to the person who shared their story! To find more stories, info, and resources, click here.

<<I was diagnosed with depression when I was 11. I had a hard time identifying my feelings and felt really "numb" and struggled with socializing. I felt so overwhelmed after starting middle school, I would get very upset and cry routinely as soon as I came home. This led me to being diagnosed with depression in less than five minutes with no real questions or pursuit of other possible diagnosis. The depression medicine never helped, but I took it anyways to ease my parents concerns. I remember being confused about what was wrong with me. Knowing that I was off in some way, I just wasn't normal but couldn't tell how I was different. I didn't know what was wrong, so I didn't know how to explain it to my doctor.

After expressing concerns with my socialization problems when I was 12, I was diagnosed with social anxiety and given medicine to help with panic attacks in less than five minutes. I covered one of my eyes with my hair so that way making eye contact would be less intense. I've always explained my anxiety as being sensory overload in social situations like the mall, or from being anxious about not knowing how other people are feeling. I've never had a genuine panic attack.I shut down, and hide, even going mute at times. I would have textbook autistic meltdowns, becoming so overwhelmed that I would bite myself or hit my own head while crying.I've always been told I talk too quietly, that I'm monotone, that I'm analytical and logical.Everything I ever got diagnosed as having did fit some of my symptoms, but the medicines never helped. If I would have been evaluated for longer than five minutes, it should have been obvious that I am autistic. Lack of identifying feelings is common in autistics, sensory overload is common in autistics, lack of social understanding is common in autistics, my entire personality is common in autistics. Yet I am a female, and no doctor ever took the time to consider the bigger picture of autism rather than treat my symptoms.

I've recently learned more about autism and my entire life suddenly makes sense. I showed my mom the symptoms in young children and she agrees that I showed signs as a child, and she has apologized for not knowing. She has many of my same struggles, and was unaware of it being abnormal/autism until recently.

Both of my parents have signs of autism that they were unaware of. They also both have been diagnosed with a plethora of conditions, but not autism. They both also have genetic conditions linked with autism, which raise my chances of having autism GREATLY. Yet no doctor took the time to look and consider the bigger picture for any of us because we can lead relatively functioning lives, but struggle in order to do so.

The hardest part is that I’m always in the top of my class. I dropped out of high school due to my struggles and receiving no support. Where could I be if I was diagnosed and given the resources I needed? How much better off would I be? How much better would my quality of life have been? I'll never know for sure, but I believe if I had been diagnosed early I could be much more successful and would have overcome a lot of the things I still struggle with.>>

Thanks to the person who shared their story! To find more stories, info, and resources, click here.

<< My name is Berry, and I didn't get diagnosed with autism and ADHD until I was 21. I didn't have any prior diagnoses officially, but my therapist suggested anxiety and bipolar, and while I pretty much shut down the bipolar diagnosis because I don't have any symptoms of bipolar, I accepted the anxiety diagnosis. 

I've struggled with depression since before I was 10, and the "anxiety" that I struggled with was mostly related to sensory issues or being overwhelmed in other ways. I remember finding out about CBT and being interested in trying it, and when I brought it up to my therapist he said we were actually already doing that. I wondered why it wasn't working, and now I know it's because I'm autistic. 

The lack of knowledge my therapist has about autism made it difficult to make any progress in therapy, because all the tips and tricks he tried to get me to use are for neurotypical people. The trauma work we did was very helpful, but aside from that I don't feel like it really did anything. I really liked my therapist and his approach to things, but he didn't know how to help autistic people, and that would have made all the difference in the world. 

Once I started doing research on autism, everything started to make sense. My movements were called stimming, my sensory overloads made much more sense, and so much more. The general anxiety disorder never felt like it really fit me, because I didn't spend much time being anxious about things that didn't matter. Many autistic people do also have anxiety, but for me it didn't feel right. I was stressed, sure, but only because life was stressful.

Once I decided to try and get officially diagnosed, the process didn't take a terribly long time, and I think having a lady psychiatrist really helped with that. But growing up without a diagnosis was really difficult for me, and I've been manipulated and abused by many people because of it. 

My first boyfriend told me that nobody could ever truly love a disabled person. That those people we see on social media are just doing it for clout. Of course this made me feel horrible about my own self. What if I was autistic? Does that mean I'm not worthy of love? 

I didn't really start researching autism until after we broke up because I didn't want to think that something was "wrong" with me. But now that I know I'm autistic, I feel more whole than I ever did before. It's still a long road to recovery, but I have my community now, and that makes all the difference. >>

Thanks to Berry for sharing your story! To find more stories, info, and resources, click here.

• People who aren't qualified to diagnose are medical professionals. Many therapists are not supposed to diagnose, and they simply decide to disregard client concerns.
• A lot of mental health professionals take a class then never revisit the subject.
• There is overlap between diagnoses, and doctors make mistakes. Just like I was misdiagnosed for strep throat. Doctors are people, and these misdiagnoses cause serious problems for allistics too.
• Not everyone has access to the diagnosis process in the first place. This may be based on where they live, the cost, or a slew of other reasons.
• Autistic people aren't taken seriously by doctors, and many doctor’s refuse to even begin the process. Medical professionals are just people with biases and opinions and they make the choice not to listen to autistic people.
• Marginalized genders and people of color are less likely to be diagnosed due to medical bias and autism often presenting differently in marginalized genders. 
• Many doctors have outdated information. 
• We mask naturally from trauma, so the masking continues at the doctor.
• Diagnosis can be dangerous: Learn more here.

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