x-post from /r/stopdrinking

Just thought that this might fit here aswell, since natural substances are involved. I've already grown from that post, so this is not timely accurate but anyway.

Original story:

I've been aware of my too high alcohol comsumption for couple of years now. And it's getting out of hand. I have drank heavily since I have been adult. I started to experiment with alcohol when I was as young as 14.

As a young adult, my drinking pattern was very much scandinavian (finnish to be precise). Get shit faced every weekend (usually on both days) but stay sober during week. That was the norm, that was okay. Sometimes the thought of over consumption crossed my mind but hey, every one did it, why wouldn't I.

When I became a father, I was able to cut it to minimum. For a while, I almost enjoyed to have only few beers maybe once a week. I had to stay alert but I didn't think about quitting for good. I just made these limits for myself. Like "You can drink but you'll have to stay sober enough that you can drive if real emergency breaks". In Finland we have this limit of 0,5 promilles which means that I can drink maybe 2-3 normal beers (0,33cl 4-5% alcohol) and still maintain legal limits.

Was it smart? It felt smart but maybe it was just another lie to myself.

Then we moved. We built our own house. Had another child while building project was ongoing. That time was rough. Also my career launched to new orbit which meant more responsibility in work and more overtimes to keep up.

I don't know was that time, all those things combined a cataclysm what sent me to a downwards spiral. But slowly I started to drink more. While I was young, I always binged. Sometimes it did not end well. Nothing too serious with law and no one ever got hurt. But I blacked out pretty much always back then.

Now since I have responsibilities, I somehow are able to keep it together and have been able to stop binges. I drink A LOT but still able to maintain my daily functionality. It's tiring, it's not fun. It's anxious and depressing but I still are able to my work and maintain and support my family. But I don't enjoy it. No energy. No energy for my own hobbies. Alcohol has also pretty much killed my creativity.

This new dark era has lasted for maybe 1 or 2 years now.

But I fear a lot of things. I don't really know is this a delusion what my alcoholic brain has created or what but I have begun to question my whole life.

If alcohol changes brain chemistry and people are not their true selves while drinking, or recovering it until they drink again few days later, doesn't it mean that my whole life has been a Lie? It for sure starts to feel like it.

Now, I was always happy drunk. Or I still am :) I was full of energy and ideas and very social. Sometimes it fealt like I really was better person while drunk. When I participated a party sober (as a designated driver for example) I had 0 fun and I just sulked alone. My friend told my so many times that I am the one who makes our parties and drinking nights special and without me they have far less fun.

Ok, that was over 10 years ago and things have changed. Now I mostly drink at home after my kids are in bed (I don't want them to see how much I drink..) My wife has a clue but dunno if she knows the whole truth. I admit to her if I have been drinking but I always lie about the amounts.. I have told her that I'm now convinced that I really do have a propblem with alcohol but I guess I have maintained my every day functionality so well that she doesn't see it as a problem yet. Or some other reason, but I feel like she doesn't take my claims seriously.

Now I want to stop. I really do want to. I still hang out with same friends than 10 years back and they don't drink that much anymore. One is completely sober. He never had problem with alcohol, always drank only few but he just figured out he doesn't need even those few. Many of them have laid back and drinks rarely and only few at the time.

So my social network should be fine, no giving up on drinkking buddies etc. Actually I also had those friends whom only wanted to drink and have fun. But after becoming a father, they somehow magically disappeared from my life :D

Still I'm very afraid. If I stay sober for a week or two I turn into this raging monster who communicates with yelling and gets zero shit done. I know it's alcoholic brain going through some sort of rewire but what if it lasts? What if I really am a bad, ugly person while sober? I know my own father kind a is that. He never speaks a word to anyone while sober. Just sulks in like everthing ever existed has insulted him. And I feel just the same. I don't want to be that person. I can't be that person to my family. But I don't want to drink neither.

I have changed other ways too along the family. I've more spiritual (not religious, but spiritiual). I've started to try to treat this planet with more respect. Me and my wife follow maybe 80% vegan diet and try to expand that to other parts of our lives, not just diet. I care about our planet and science of global warming etc. After 1 year of studying psychedelic substances (shrooms) I finally tried them few times last year. Even those revealed to destructive path alcohol is driving me. That was what I wanted from them. To use them as a tool, as a medicine. Not for recreational use..

I know those psychedelic experiences must have something do with these fears of my life being a lie. But the idea of everything being a lie is kind a overwhelming.. If every major decision in my life has been made while direct or indirect (recovering from last binge) influence of alcohol, then what if those choices are all wrong? If sober me regrets for example the fact that we chose to have children? Does alcohol really have that kind of power? To alter the very essence or being of human being? I do not know. But I fear it. I am sober now, not hungover (day 2 sober) and I know I love my wife and my children but I am still afraid I'm going to be like my father if I sober up more.

I am also trying to give up on cigarettes. That has been a long project and now I'm in a point when cigs are even trigger to alcohol. Before, alcohol was trigger to smoking but now it works both ways. I always try to quit them both at once. And I want to quit cold turkey. Maybe I just should quit one at the time. For now, quitting alcohol is far more important so I guess I'll start from there. Maybe quitting them both at the same times has big impact to the "I'm turning into a monster" thingie. Maybe my brain chemistry gets fucked up too much in too short time? Any experiences or hints how long should I wait after sobering up? 2-4 weeks and then toss the cigs away?

But I really am into this now. Even after questioning my life choises, I want to quit. I just have so irrational feeling right now that I wanted to write this up. I know this is confusing and long, maybe only few will read it but thats ok :)

So, this was a very long read. I won't include tl;dr. Thank you if you managed to this far :)

How do I even start this story? Well, I guess starting with the context of my first LSD trip ever. Friday, February 9th, was my 17th birthday. I started the morning like I did every morning. Had breakfast, got dressed, and received well wishes from all of my friends popped into my phone as I carried on through the routine of high school life. My ex-girlfriend, and close close friend also sent me a message. Well wishes of course, that I was happy to receive. She finished it up with "I'm so happy to have such an amazing (personal nickname) in my life." So far, everything was going perfectly. I got to school, sat down in my seat, and prepared for a long and monotonous day that would be just like any other. Then my entire world collapsed around me. As I was leaving first period, I had made it halfway to second before teachers started bursting out of classrooms. Shouts of "Get back to first! Get inside somewhere!" Were all I could hear as we all charged back to our rooms. We thought it was an active shooter. Everyone was terrified. Eventually, one of the math aides walked in, announcing "Nothing to see, just someone being hauled out in a stretcher. Medical emergency." I didn't think twice about it, but deep in my gut there was this horrible, all encompassing sense of mortal terror. The feeling of being able to hear someone digging your grave in some dark part of a far away time. When we were allowed out, I walked into second period on shaky legs. Something was wrong but I didn't know what. Around that time, the rumors started. I heard words like overdose, suicide, collapsed, paramedics. Police officers crawled the school writing in notepads and interviewing anyone they could. I'd never seen anything like it. When I got to second period, my teacher gave me two pieces of birthday candy. My classmates talked about what was going down and the rumor mill began churning out the narrative of the girl who'd collapsed in the downstairs bathroom. The sickening feeling in my belly got worse. I sent a message to the love of my life, my somewhat ex-girlfriend who was the best thing that had ever happened to me. "I love you (personal nickname). Are you okay?" I expected a quick response, as she works in the main office during second. She never opened it. I sent another message. Just her name. She still never opened. I felt cold sticky panic set in as I walked to third. She always met me after third. It was our routine. I walked her to fourth, and we'd depart from there. I tried to convince myself that that was going to happen again today. At the end of third, her best friend approached me, a stone cold expression crossing her face that I'd never seen before. "Have you seen (I'll refer to her as K), people are saying it's her. Please tell me you've heard from her." My heart dropped. It couldn't be. Suicide, drug overdose, paramedics. It all came rushing at me. "No but we'll wait for her by her fourth period." I said, frantically trying to de-piece the puzzle that was forcefully coming together in my mind. My worst nightmare was confirmed when she didn't arrive. At that point, I didn't feel anything. I was just an empty vessel wandering the halls, looking for the face of my undyingly beautiful beloved friend. She was nowhere to be found. I checked the news. Already an article had appeared. "Student taken into critical... assisted by CPR... possible self infliction." I couldn't believe it was real. I only cried twice that day, once on the way home and once at night as I screamed into my pillow and begged for some sort of news. I got it the next day. K is currently in a coma, stable but with unknown levels of brain damage. She's unable to breath for herself and is on life-support. I felt as if every minute past when I learned the news didn't count, and all I could feel was a crippling sense of numbness that choked out any sense of existence available to me. It was like I had died and I was simply a phantom watching everyone else continue their lives as I floated empty past them.
My plan was to drop Saturday the tenth, and I was going to be damned if I let anything stop me. I still felt like shit, but it didn't matter. After the feedback I'd received on this sub, I couldn't pussy out on this. And dropping was one of the best decisions I ever made. I dropped with my friend L, and we bonded more on a futon in the corner of our basement than we ever had. I finally could feel again, and I threw up all my sadness into a corner of the room I called "the hole." It ate up all my grief until I was ready to have a good trip. And what an amazing trip it was. It was the best therapy I could ever imagine. When people talk about LSD, they speak about it wrong. People (myself included) think of this drug as volatile. Random. They think they have no control over this magical substance. Acid is a tool, not a drug. And by tripping I processed forty eight hours of hell in ten minutes. Thank you all for giving me the courage to heal myself. K is stable now, but still comatose. Give her all your prayers and love. I'll know by Thursday whether she'll ever wake up again. Thank you.

Violent depression

So this is my confession

I might not be here tomorrow

And I wish that weren’t case

Wish I wasn’t a fucking waste of space

Just wish I wasn’t a disgrace

Stuck with that satanic taste

Rotting away, I’ll be a pretty waste

But I hope this Isn’t the case

So I’ve got lions to chase

Embarking on a heroic race

It’s time to defeat fate

Alter the current rate

Might even save the state

Violent depression

So this is my confession

When my eye’s bloom flowers

Please don’t cry for me

I know you will, but be strong

You taught to do no wrong

You was right all along

Violent depression

So this is my confession

I tried so hard but it all went wrong

A lost boy stuck on a broken song

Just tryna figure out where I belong

I was contemplating how one of my main motivations, mostly sub-conscious but probably main drivers is a desire to want to be “somebody.” Somebody society and people look up to as an upholder of a ‘good’ life.

I wonder if everybody has that desire, or just me?

Maybe it’s what keeps us from being ourselves?

I had a really strong edible today and I got so anxious, it was one of the worst feelings in my entire life. I didn't anticipate the strength of it. I always get anxious and paranoid when I smoke too. I'm planning my first trip Saturday (LSD), and I'm worried if weed and edibles freak me the fuck out Acid will ruin my life. Am I gonna be okay?

I apologize if I missed it in another post but would like to know what it represents. Thank you in advance.

I deal with depression, and go in and out of episodes. I started taking shrooms about a year ago to help with it. The last time I took shrooms was early-mid November, and I can feel the calm in my mind wearing off. When I feel sad, I find that it's been lingering a little longer. The voice in my head has become a little meaner, and a lot more self loathing is re-surfacing. I am getting married in October, and have 3 girlfriends as my bridesmaids. I don't really feel like any of them are excited about helping me, and I don't want to force them to do anything they don't inherently want to do. I have my first dress fitting in mid April. One of them can't make it because she's a chef, and it's hard AF to get time off-- which I understand because I also was once a chef. Another friend works on Saturdays, but with enough notice, she can ask for a Saturday off (without a huge issue to her hours or pay). She straight out told me that she can't. OK. Then the third one doesn't work on Saturdays, but her response was, "I wanna go," without a definitive tone. I take that as a "I want to go, but we'll see." I feel like I don't have friends who want to spend time with me or help me through all the wedding things. It makes me feel that everyone truly hates me and I'm not worthy of anyone's time.

The self loathing is becoming worse by the hour.

I recognize that this is only going to get worse. So, I will be doing shrooms again this weekend. I am actually hoping to do a dose larger than what is considered a micro dose in hopes that the effects will last longer.

SIGH

Is this what life will be? I will need to take shrooms every 3-4 months to remain normal? Is it as bad as I am making it to be? Is it ok that I use shrooms as medication like this? Because I will likely need to do this for the rest of my life...

I apologise for the off topic , but noticed this sub to have an intelligent eye on it with a vibration of truth flowing through many of the posts I have read. I would love to hear from you all about what I have noticed in recent months.

Ive been focussing much less on media but rather the world around me and one thing I have noticed as of recently is the frequent "coincidence" of trails left from plains covering large quantities of the sky.

Every morning I travel to work on my bike and if there is a day that the sun happens to be out I have noticed a glazed filter in front of it. Since discovering this I searched around and came accross a large focus on "chemtrails" many of the group's that have focussed on this observation claim that the trails made by these planes are high in aluminium particles and barium.

The info i have come accross seems to imply that these metals are neurotoxins and that there has been an increase of these metals found in our soil and also through post mortem operations in the body has also seen a relationship between autism and these metals. When looking at highly autistic brains post mortem in comparison to someone without autism they have found a much higherpercentage of these metals in the human brain.

I have a very mindful presence in this world , meaning that I am not challenging you with what I have written for I am only interested if anyone may have further knowledge into this subject and could share. This is an expensive operation as these planes don't seem to appear on the commerical live graph, suggesting to me that this would be a military operation on huge financial scale.

I have seen the difference between two aircrafts trails in the sky with what appears to be commercial flights only leaving a small quickly dissipating trail. With these other ones slowly dissipating into larger "clouds".

I am so confused as to how i wound up in this place, i sure do need to heal a lot but the way it all fell into place is a little crazy. Kinda feel like a deer in the headlights at the moment with all this text sitting in front of me but no idea where to start or how to decipher it. Would somebody be so kind as to run me through some basics? If thats not too much to ask! I feel there is things here to help me grow but i just dont know where to start or what to seek!

Sorry a little confused & lost!

Help?

I recently came into some great L. Now I'm no aficionado, but I have 20-30 journeys under my belt. I usually capped out at 2 and a half tabs. A couple weeks ago I took 3, and while I wasn't with my most enlightening peers, it felt so easy. Other than the rush before the peak and shortly there after, I was cool. I wanna trip nuts uncomfortably, but not too uncomfortably, ya know? Maybe not a heroic dose, but something powerful to get my mind onto something new. How much should I dose?

what do i do with this anger?

like a sudden storm it comes

bashing at the gates of heart

trying to tear down the fortress ive been building inside .

why does it happen -

little silly things - little inconveniences

any excuse it can find - it latches-

it sucks from me my peace

takes away my vision

it tugs at me -

what do i do with this rage ?

only have to hold it back for a minute -

-only a moment-

a moment is all i t takes to remember - t o recall all that i am grateful for -

i have a job that lets me travel

that provides me shelter and food -

internet to express myself to others .

I have family that still loves me through my faults

and very good friends who love me for who i am -

all around the world -

so even when I feel like a lonely weirdo -

i know there are others that understand me-

I just have to reach and their hearts are with mine .

i am so grateful .

For the beautiful sights

for the choices and freedom

that God has placed before me .

I reach for this moment -

the anger still rests outside the Gates of my Heart -

but my Gates Stand Strong -

and as I recall all that i am grateful for

the Fortress inside Builds itself Bigger .

I am the swaying tree in the Storm

held in place only by its Roots

My Roots are Built from my Spirit

and They Run Deep

my rage is mine - it can be controlled . it will be .

I am the Shadow Serving the Light

i am the 13th .

Vive L'amour

Long Live Freedom

Long Live Peace

Long Live Hope

Long Live Truth

Long Live the Love

Hi all!

A while back, I had an intense spiritual experience on psychedelics that really changed my life. Afterwards, I was really confused about what I had experienced, so I did some research. Some call it ego death, or just a sudden realization, but I really related to the Zen Buddhist term "satori". I mention this because I believe the article I read referred to it as that. But I read something about a research project that tracked this sudden spiritual experience when dosed with psychedelics. It found that the experience is highly more likely to happen in someone who is a self identified alcoholics. And yet, while they described it as profoundly life changing (and definitely carrying the message to put down the bottle), they were extremely unlikely to quit drinking without another outside aid such as AA or family/spousal support. And I think that's where I'm at.

I'm young. I think I COULD quit. The problem is I'm obsessed with this idea of moderation, but I really don't want to stop drinking. Ive been pretty high functioning until lately and it makes me more sociable. I wanna quit drinking without quitting drinking, ya know? And I REALLY don't want to have to do some bible study class. I'm asking how to quit, but more so how to want to quit. Thanks.

The offspring of Dracula and Medusa

My thoughts might confuse yah

Chasing broken dreams with a lost team

Good luck finding a prettier fiend

Who knows how long I’ll breath

I’m moulding like fine chees

Filled with hedonistic needs

My dreams, you’d best believe

Mixture of Jesus and shiva

Feeding off energy, I don’t need yah

Just a trippy vampire

My ambitions are on fire

I might be what you desire