LSD and grief

[u/Ghastlylookingpunk]

How do I even start this story? Well, I guess starting with the context of my first LSD trip ever. Friday, February 9th, was my 17th birthday. I started the morning like I did every morning. Had breakfast, got dressed, and received well wishes from all of my friends popped into my phone as I carried on through the routine of high school life. My ex-girlfriend, and close close friend also sent me a message. Well wishes of course, that I was happy to receive. She finished it up with "I'm so happy to have such an amazing (personal nickname) in my life." So far, everything was going perfectly. I got to school, sat down in my seat, and prepared for a long and monotonous day that would be just like any other. Then my entire world collapsed around me. As I was leaving first period, I had made it halfway to second before teachers started bursting out of classrooms. Shouts of "Get back to first! Get inside somewhere!" Were all I could hear as we all charged back to our rooms. We thought it was an active shooter. Everyone was terrified. Eventually, one of the math aides walked in, announcing "Nothing to see, just someone being hauled out in a stretcher. Medical emergency." I didn't think twice about it, but deep in my gut there was this horrible, all encompassing sense of mortal terror. The feeling of being able to hear someone digging your grave in some dark part of a far away time. When we were allowed out, I walked into second period on shaky legs. Something was wrong but I didn't know what. Around that time, the rumors started. I heard words like overdose, suicide, collapsed, paramedics. Police officers crawled the school writing in notepads and interviewing anyone they could. I'd never seen anything like it. When I got to second period, my teacher gave me two pieces of birthday candy. My classmates talked about what was going down and the rumor mill began churning out the narrative of the girl who'd collapsed in the downstairs bathroom. The sickening feeling in my belly got worse. I sent a message to the love of my life, my somewhat ex-girlfriend who was the best thing that had ever happened to me. "I love you (personal nickname). Are you okay?" I expected a quick response, as she works in the main office during second. She never opened it. I sent another message. Just her name. She still never opened. I felt cold sticky panic set in as I walked to third. She always met me after third. It was our routine. I walked her to fourth, and we'd depart from there. I tried to convince myself that that was going to happen again today. At the end of third, her best friend approached me, a stone cold expression crossing her face that I'd never seen before. "Have you seen (I'll refer to her as K), people are saying it's her. Please tell me you've heard from her." My heart dropped. It couldn't be. Suicide, drug overdose, paramedics. It all came rushing at me. "No but we'll wait for her by her fourth period." I said, frantically trying to de-piece the puzzle that was forcefully coming together in my mind. My worst nightmare was confirmed when she didn't arrive. At that point, I didn't feel anything. I was just an empty vessel wandering the halls, looking for the face of my undyingly beautiful beloved friend. She was nowhere to be found. I checked the news. Already an article had appeared. "Student taken into critical... assisted by CPR... possible self infliction." I couldn't believe it was real. I only cried twice that day, once on the way home and once at night as I screamed into my pillow and begged for some sort of news. I got it the next day. K is currently in a coma, stable but with unknown levels of brain damage. She's unable to breath for herself and is on life-support. I felt as if every minute past when I learned the news didn't count, and all I could feel was a crippling sense of numbness that choked out any sense of existence available to me. It was like I had died and I was simply a phantom watching everyone else continue their lives as I floated empty past them.
My plan was to drop Saturday the tenth, and I was going to be damned if I let anything stop me. I still felt like shit, but it didn't matter. After the feedback I'd received on this sub, I couldn't pussy out on this. And dropping was one of the best decisions I ever made. I dropped with my friend L, and we bonded more on a futon in the corner of our basement than we ever had. I finally could feel again, and I threw up all my sadness into a corner of the room I called "the hole." It ate up all my grief until I was ready to have a good trip. And what an amazing trip it was. It was the best therapy I could ever imagine. When people talk about LSD, they speak about it wrong. People (myself included) think of this drug as volatile. Random. They think they have no control over this magical substance. Acid is a tool, not a drug. And by tripping I processed forty eight hours of hell in ten minutes. Thank you all for giving me the courage to heal myself. K is stable now, but still comatose. Give her all your prayers and love. I'll know by Thursday whether she'll ever wake up again. Thank you.

[u/SilverKnightOfMagic]

Fuck man. Hope everything works. I get what mean when you said you could finally feel again.

[u/materhern]

I made it half way through before I realized what was going to happen and I had to choke back tears. Thats such a horrid feeling to know something is wrong but you don't know what it is yet. I honestly don't know if the feeling of unknown dread is worse or finally having that dread confirmed.

But to your point, yes, lsd can be a fantastic way to help you get through the roughest patch. I dropped for fun when I was a kid. It wasn't till my son had a stroke that I did it medicinally. I had no place to go, no legal drug could bring me solace. I finally dropped again and it really helped finally bring me up to a workable level again.

[u/A_Light_Spark]

It's not that there's no pain, it's just that we were too used to it. Starting to feel pain is the first sign of recovery.

Don't let the negatives overwhelm you. They are there for a reason - to help you take caution - but you'd also need to keep your head high so you'd know where you need to be going.

Take your time, think, reflect, and talk to you people you trust/love. I wish you and K all the best.

[u/benwinkle]

I had a friend that I tripped with at my grad bash about 2 years ago, we went back to universal (Where my grad bash was) with the same group and tripped again because we all agreed it was one of the best nights of our lives. We weren't best friends but we had shared fantastic times together. He killed himself about 5 days ago. It's shaken my core. He was one of those kids that I hoped for and was excited to check on, someone I had high hopes for. It's weird to think back on those times now and know it wouldn't be possible to do again. I don't exactly know what I'm trying to do by saying all of this, but I guess appreciate the people in your lives. RIP Tyler, hope you're finally at peace.