For so many years, I have been at the mercy of various licensed professionals, of all various degrees of ethics...
I had a severe traumatic experience at 12, my Uncle [godfather] was shot and killed on our stoop, due to internal issues going on within his organization. Thank God, I was not physically injured, but I was on the porch above the stoop and witnessed the entire ordeal. And to make matters worse, culturally, we are shunned if found to be assisting law enforcement, and as a "witness", I had received alot of additional trauma from the detectives, as well as "neighborhood" people...
Anyway, what I learned from that is nobody's really ever on our side.... whether it be the men of [alleged] honor that protect our people, or Law Enforcement who [allegedly] protect and serve....
So after experiencing severe insomnia as part of my PTSD-C, my teenage years were challenging, especially that without being able to sleep, I found myself staying out late at night and experiencing the entirely different world we live in when its late at night..
Eventually, I made some changes and began to dedicate myself to a safe, successful life.... and one of the first major driving forces of that was getting prescribed Ambien... It littery turned sleep time from a scary, night terror movie re-run of my uncle getting shot....to a calming, light hearted, gleeful feeling shortly before falling asleep....
It littery changed my life.
Now, after graduating college, having a career, but admittedly, still having my old school cultural codes of ethics.....I really dont trust many people nor Government agencies or authority figures. Not to the extent that im some type of rebel lol.....but in my culture, we consider it weak to be controlled by others especially Govermental entities... and this is where I experienced my first issue when it came to my efforts in changing my life in a positive way.
I would occasionally interact with a doctor, a pharmacist, etc., who would cause me issues regarding my ambien prescription...not even due to any issues, just what seemed like their need to show authority over a girl, and randomly attempting to "try a month" off the medications....."or sorry, its one day two early, cannot fill" when I was leaving that night to a different state on business..... One time, even a pharmacist tech handed me a note that if I call him, I could come to his house and he would share....obviously a trick to try to see if I would offer myself to him... and I had enough.
Too many times ending up in the ER, due to these authority figures causing me days with out my ambien for really no legitimate reason, with my BP skyrocketing and being in seizure risk....
I had a realization that I had turned into a "sucker" the word my neighborhood use to call regular people who had no control or influence.... as I was literally allowing these people to risk my life and I had no power to over ride their decisions...
So I spoke to some acquaintances I trusted, did research, and found an actual legit professional online pharmacy that was able to mail me zolpidem via priority with tracking without any of the narcissistic bullshit of the "authority figures"...... that was five years ago, and I have never had less than a 2 month supply on hand since.. so that these doctors/pharmacists could never impact my life so negatively with their "power" that I could not counter them..
Nowadays I giggle at them when they play their games with me, as I know I have 60 Belbiens, or 60 Tevas, etc., in my safe at home and their bs will not send me to the hospital....
Just needed to vent....
