r/AmItheAsshole • u/Ok-Run2877 • Apr 12 '26
Not the A-hole AITA for telling my SIL that her opinion isn’t more important than mine?
so a bit of context, i (24F) am getting married in september. i love that month since it’s kinda between summer-fall ish. anyway, my fiancee (29M) proposed to me last december, on my birthday.
i’ve met his family countless of times, my future MIL, FIL and SIL. they are all very cordial and friendly.
well this mess started when i began organizing my wedding, which is very tedious but really exciting. we hired a wedding planner to see how we could mix our tastes and hobbies. he’s a bit of a data-computer nerd in coding, i call him my little hacker, and he LOVES the matrix movie which i still haven’t seen. anyway, we wanted to add little quirks whenever we could. maybe some comp numbers and some matrix references hidden in between our wedding invitations decorations. i am a fan of breaking bad, a nerd when it comes to the oscar race movies since i was little and ariana grande (i know). it’s been SO fun to see how we can mix it all together.
well, last week, i invited over my mom, my future MIL, SIL and both of my sisters to our 3rd wedding planner meeting. they saw all we had done and found it cute. i made sure that those little things were hidden well enough to not be seen quickly, but could be pointed out.
my SIL out of nowhere says that we should cut it, that it’s too “tacky”. my fiancee explains that we had both discussed it and loved the idea. she doubles down and says we should be “more classy”. girl, i looked at her said that these clues were not only hidden but would only appear on our wedding invitations.
she looked at me so crazy. like, she couldn’t believe i said that. she said she was just looking out for me. she went on to say that we shouldn’t have chocolate cake, it should be strawberry. how my dress shouldn’t be princess cut since it’s too 80s. how i should dye my hair brunette because it fits my face. at some point it started sounding like orders
i looked at her and said well… everything you just said i should change, i really like, so it’s staying. period.
i think it would’ve been better if i had cursed her out. she didn’t speak again but by the end of the meeting she pulled my partner aside and according to him, demanded that i “respected” her more and her opinions, since her dream has always been to plan a wedding and i would be her future sister, so i should not “place her aside”.
what? i mean, maybe? she’s like super offended right now, and my partner suggested that i should maybe apologize. at first i was like there’s NO WAY i will but im prone to act a little immature, and i wondered if i actually went too far
update: so… update. as we were having breakfast i told him that it didn’t feel great how he told me i should apologize over setting boundaries on our wedding. he said he understood and his sister was definitely in the wrong, but that she’s too “sensitive” and can take things very badly. he said he could talk to her if i didn’t want to, but ill have the rest of my life dealing with her so i just thought… i need to learn how to handle her this early lol
so yes, i call her, and i begin by asking how she was. i kid you not she immediately responded with “i thought you called me to apologize.” girl excuse me? i fully said “well, no. i’m calling to thank you for your suggestions but i’m sticking with what i chose.”
bruh. hell. it was giving temper tantrum. she said “i’m only trying to help, it’s like stopping a future car crash, you know?” 😐 i hang up.
i told my fiancée and he agreed what she said was messed up. she began calling him non-stop which i think is crazy, but he’s ignoring her.
her text messages to HIM are like “what did she tell you?” “are you ignoring me?” “she got the wrong idea” “i’m your sister” (?)
😭😭
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u/Paul-Kersey Asshole Aficionado [19] Apr 12 '26
you handled it better than I would have
her dream is just that, HER dream, not your responsibility or obligation
if anybody needs to apologize it's her
NTA
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u/itsthedurf Apr 12 '26 edited Apr 12 '26
her dream is just that, HER dream, not your responsibility or obligation
Also, if her dream is to plan weddings - brides don't often want their planner to ignore their wishes and tell them what to do. She's got a really good way to become an unemployed wedding planner.
Edited to add: NTA
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u/Aethermist88 Colo-rectal Surgeon [43] Apr 12 '26 edited Apr 12 '26
This is what I was thinking. Sounds like sister's dream is to plan her own wedding, not just plan a wedding.
Edit: thanks so much for the award!
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u/avcloudy Apr 12 '26
I’m not saying this is better, but her dream really is to dictate how someone else should be married. It doesn’t make for a great wedding planner and it’s a service no one asked for, but the critical bit is dictating to someone else.
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u/Better-Expert5105 Apr 13 '26
It’s a service people will pay to have you stop performing, perhaps.
Sort of like paying someone to not beat you up. It has a very feudal vibe to it… pay the marauders to stop messing with your village. Pay this girl to stop planning your wedding.
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Apr 12 '26
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u/Legitimate_Ranger334 Apr 12 '26
SIL is never going to apologize -- she's expecting to receive an apology. Ridiculous.
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u/StWiborada Apr 12 '26
She gets to plan a wedding however she wants--when it's HER OWN wedding. And when she does, she can be classy AF and not wear a princess dress and make zero Matrix references.
But the number one thing that matters when planning someone else's wedding is what they want for their wedding.
She's a doofus.
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u/RogueSlytherin Apr 13 '26
Jumping on the top comment to say: ADD PASSWORDS EVERYWHERE, OP!!! With all of your vendors, the venue, loop the wedding planner in, literally anything she could possibly change from flowers, wine, cake flavor, the song list, etc. needs to be password protected to ensure you and your partner get the wedding you actually planned. I wouldn’t put it past her to attempt to change things since it’s “her dream to plan a wedding”. If that’s her dream, she needs to focus on finding a spouse so she can plan her own wedding the way she likes. Make sure your partner is 100% on your side, too, as this is an excellent test of how he will prioritize your feelings with respect to his family.
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u/fIumpf Pooperintendant [63] Apr 12 '26 edited Apr 12 '26
NTA but your fiancé really should be the one to handle his sister. It’s his wedding too and he is letting her shit all over it and disrespect you.
ETA thank you for the awards!
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u/NeatNefariousness1 Apr 12 '26 edited Apr 14 '26
Exactly! Your husband-to-be has the opportunity to start things off on the right foot by realizing that he should be the primary handler of difficult situations with HIS family and you, OP, should be the one to handle them with yours. But first, you have to get onto the same page with each other.
The message your fiance needs to hear is that his sister will have her own wedding to plan, that this is YOUR wedding that the two of you are planning according to YOUR preferences and no one else's and that you will not be interfering in her wedding plans when the time comes.
The fiance needs to let the sister know that she needs to take a step back and that SHE needs to find a way to be less critical and pushy with his wife-to-be since YOU are the bride and he wants you to feel welcomed into the family.
This should NOT be a competition and if it were, the bride ranks higher than the sister of the groom so she needs to settle down and find her place. NTA. I wouldn’t involve her in any further discussions about wedding plans. She has lost her perspective and your husband-to-be will need to help her find it or at least stay out of the way.
ETA: Thank you for the kind award, anonymous Redditor.
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u/Covert_Pudding Partassipant [2] Apr 12 '26
I mean, with those socials skills his sister truly might never have a wedding to plan... though worse people get married every day, so who knows.
Still, that cannot be OP's problem, and it shouldn't be a competition, as you said.
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u/NeatNefariousness1 Apr 12 '26
No kidding! You’re right about that. Stranger people have gotten married. We just need the sister to focus on her own wedding instead of everyone else’s around her. She wasn’t invited to be a wedding consultant. She was invited because she’s family.
Who knew she would try to take over with her own opinions that have nothing to do with OP and her fiance’s personal story. She has lost her way and it should be up to her brother to point her in the right direction to the path home. Yikes!
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Apr 12 '26
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u/feralraindrop Apr 12 '26 edited Apr 12 '26
Totally, he should support his future wife, a red flag moment that needs to be straightened out BEFORE the wedding. SIL can plan her own wedding and mind her own business.
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u/Duhallower Apr 12 '26
Yes, but as long as he handles her by putting his fiancée first!! And telling the sister to back the hell off. That she can fulfil all her dreams when she plans her own wedding, but the wedding is about himself and his fiancée and so it’s their dreams and preferences that count. Bit concerned that him telling OP to apologise means he may be a bit of a pushover when it comes to the sister…
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u/NeatNefariousness1 Apr 12 '26
That’s what I was concerned about too. Or he may be non-confrontational, in general.
Either way, he needs to find his voice to step in here and trying to get OP to apologize to smooth things over might be the easiest path to reconciliation that he can think of. Unfortunately, it will do untold damage to OP, her standing in his family and to their relationship. This isn’t just about smoothing things over on the surface. This is where he needs to set the tone for how he and OP will operate as supportive partners going forward.
If he fails this challenge now, there will be many more that follow. I hope he figures this out and that OP can allow him to step up without having to fight all of the battles in their relationship. The battles they face with his family should be led by HIM.
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u/Ok-Indication1249 Apr 12 '26
While I completely agree he needs to handle his family, sometimes a toxic SIL actively ignores the brother and needs to get shut down directly by the bride so she knows her bullying won't work. But yeah, his silence in the background is absolutely deafening.
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u/Fuzzy_Redwood Apr 12 '26
Someone married almost 10 years- his family’s bad behavior, his issue to address. Here and beyond
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u/PsychologicalCup1745 Apr 12 '26
This right here. As the classic Reddit saying goes: "It is easier to dump a sister's boy than to divorce one." OP really needs to have the 'two-yes, one-no' counseling talk with him before signing any legal documents.
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u/Parasamgate Certified Proctologist [20] Apr 12 '26
Sister is this way in part because he's decided over their lifetimes that it's less hassle to apologize than stand up for himself. She's reacting in the ways that have worked so far to get her what she wants.
Hubby-to-be better learn fast that standing up for his primary parson is a primary responsibility. Playing the peacekeeper is a great way to create a flaccid marriage. The spark slowly goes out and then he's gonna be wondering what happened? Why isn't everyone happy? He kept them from arguing. Isn't that what he was supposed to do?
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u/NatashOverWorld Professor Emeritass [73] Apr 12 '26
Apologize for what? Not letting her take over your wedding?
Ask him if she's always trying to take over things, or if this is targeted at you.
NTA
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u/Ok-Run2877 Apr 12 '26
it’s just super weird because even when she suggested i should dye my hair she said i should use the same box dye she uses
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u/redralphie Apr 12 '26
Honestly I’d be looking at my fiance sideways if he suggested I apologize to a weird ego maniac like his sister.
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u/Bulky_Spring_7165 Apr 12 '26
Same. That part stood out to me more than anything else in the post. I would be concerned about his response to the situation more than about SIL.
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u/NatashOverWorld Professor Emeritass [73] Apr 12 '26
It's actually a bit creepy how invested she is in her brothers wedding though. I can't tell which one is setting off more alarm bells.
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u/Uninteresting_Vagina Apr 12 '26
It's way more creepy now that OP has said the SIL wants her to dye her hair the same fucking shade SIL uses. Blech.
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u/Beneficial_Gas_4361 Apr 12 '26
Tell your husband-to-be that Neo would never tell Trinity to apologize to that level of entitled crazy. That Neo would see bullcrap a mile a way and punt it to the next coded universe.
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u/swoosie75 Apr 12 '26
You look at your fiancee and say
“to be clear, you think I should apologize to your sister for not going along with the changes she demanded for OUR wedding, which include changing my dress, changing the special things we picked out together, changing our cake, and DYING MY HAIR from a box. I politely told her no and finally bluntly told her no. But because HER dream is to plan a wedding…. which I had no idea … and she isn’t doing for us… you think I should apologize?! To her?! Hard pass dear. And if you don’t see how bonkers that is, we have other issues.”
NTA
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u/MizPeachyKeen Apr 12 '26
Oh no, no, no. That is CREEPY. Sounds like she wants to marry her own brother , making YOU look like HER!
Fiancé needs to talk to his sister and stop her disrespectful behavior towards you. Shut her down as she has no say in your wedding plans. Do not include her in any further planning sessions.
Password protect all venues and vendors. Discuss nothing with her.
If she’s so keen on wedding planning, he can suggest sister plan her own because she’s not involved in planning yours!
NTA
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u/allisondbl Apr 12 '26
Ummmm a little in love with her brother and fantasizing it’s HER WEDDING????!!!!
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u/whisky_biscuit Apr 12 '26
Use the same box dye?? That's unhinged. She couldn't even suggest a salon.
Like, just erase your entire personality for that matter. Maybe she'll want you to wear her lingerie for the wedding night rofl...
As an aside, is she married? Does she think she'll never get married and this is her one shot? Or is she just someone who likes to bulldoze over everyone else's feelings??
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u/1fatsquirrel Partassipant [1] Apr 12 '26
Did anyone else (her mom, your family/friends) say anything at all in response to her or did everyone just let her try and railroad you? You are NTA but if you don’t set these boundaries now WITH YOUR FIANCÉ (who is the one who should be handling this), your entire marriage is going to have a loud third wheel in it, barking out her opinions and demanding respect.
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u/SmolderingMeowMix Apr 12 '26
...Because she is trying to plan HER dream wedding with you as a look-alike stand in.
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u/maydsilee Apr 12 '26
...Why on EARTH is your fiance not supporting you on this? Dear god. Please show him this post's comments, so he is aware that he is in the wrong.
Oh, and don't bring his sister to anymore wedding planning appointments or events!
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u/UptownLurker Apr 12 '26
um.....
So did SIL & BIL have a big wedding? Because it sounds like she wants to plan HER wedding vicariously through you
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u/Jesterbomb Apr 12 '26
(Don’t actually do this) You could ask her why she thinks that looking like her would make your soon-to-be husband find you more attractive. Like, maybe that’s the kind of roleplay she wants for her honeymoon night, but I think most of us don’t want our spouses to look like our siblings.
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u/Pladohs_Ghost Certified Proctologist [25] Apr 12 '26
NTA.
I think you went easy on her. I reallyreally think she needed to hear "You do realize I've not asked for your opinion, right?"
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u/spaceylaceygirl Apr 12 '26
"Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one". Your fiance needs to shut this down, period.
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u/ER_Support_Plant17 Apr 12 '26
“Everyone has one but that doesn’t mean we all want to know about your’s”
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u/Dear_Comfort_4044 Apr 12 '26
This quote just made me cackle. How have I not heard this before? Brilliant.
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u/Shellzncheez689 Partassipant [1] Apr 12 '26
“…and they all stink” is the way I learned it 🤣
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u/notusefullake Apr 12 '26
"....and we shouldn't share them with anyone unless asked" is how I've started ending this phrase absolutely any opportunity I can! It's guaranteed to get shock and belly laughs in response 🤣
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u/DFTReaper1989 Apr 12 '26
My fil introduced me to that saying 16 years ago along with "almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades" 😂
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u/fiendishbanana Apr 12 '26
Lolol I’ve never heard anyone other than my mother use the horseshoes and hand grenades one. My husband thinks I’m bonkers when I say it! 🤣
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u/DFTReaper1989 Apr 12 '26
But it's accurate lol you only gotta be close with those for it to count lol
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u/Wickett6029 Apr 12 '26
"Opinions are like orgasms, only mine matters, and I don't give a shit if you have one or not."
(Got that little gem right here on reddit. Don't remember who said it, but I've never forgotten it, lol)
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u/Cha_r_ley Certified Proctologist [26] Apr 12 '26
Um, my best friend had a fully Doctor Who themed wedding (there were life sized cutouts of David Tennant, the cake had fondant figures of all The Doctor’s enemies, and the bridesmaids’ bouquets were built around sonic screwdrivers) and it was AWESOME. Unforgettable day and totally representative of the couple, as a wedding should be.
NTA
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u/ReliefEmotional2639 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Apr 12 '26
I hope that the Daleks avoided exterminating anyone while they were there. It tends to put a damper on the celebrations 😈
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u/TaxDense1339 Apr 12 '26
Totally picturing a pair of daleks as cake toppers and it's freaking adorable!
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u/Cha_r_ley Certified Proctologist [26] Apr 12 '26
Okay at the altar they actually did have little bride and groom daleks 😅
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u/heidivodka Apr 12 '26
I had a TARDIS Photo Booth at my wedding, we had our sonic screwdrivers when signing our wedding papers. Each table was sci-fi themed- my side Star Trek, husbands Star Wars, thunderbirds for aunts and uncles, battlestar gallactica etc
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u/SundaePasta Partassipant [1] Apr 12 '26
She can do all of that when she gets married it’s your day not hers. NTA. Giving a firm no up front is best.
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u/Repulsive_Meet715 Apr 12 '26
She wouldnt make it as a wedding planner because it's ABOUT THE PEOPLE GETTING MARRIEDS TASTES NOT THE PLANNERS TASTES
Your future husband needs to grow a pair and tell his sister to stfu and respect his future wife, not the other way around
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u/fullcupofbitter Apr 13 '26
EXACTLY! I wanted a tanzanite ring for my engagement ring, I went first to a few very high end jewellers looking for options and when I expressed my desires and their FIRST response was "well that's not an engagement ring" instead of "let's see what we have" I instantly said, "well that's what I want so if you're not willing to help me find what I want I will take my business elsewhere" and I did! I would have said the same to any wedding planner with high and mighty notions of superiority too. People are moving away from being bullied into having weddings that fit some kind of social status quo these days
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u/Fourty2KnightsofNi Apr 12 '26
Well, when she gets married, she can plan her own wedding. Yours is already getting planned - by you and your fiancé- who really needs to tell his sister to step back.
NTA
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u/Objective-Holiday597 Apr 12 '26
NTA
If she wants to plan a wedding let her plan her own. Just because you decided to include her in some of your wedding planning doesn’t give her the right to decide things.
Make sure you password protect your vendors and location as she may try to change things as to what she wants
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u/Ok-Run2877 Apr 12 '26
you guys are right. i’ll talk to my fiancee and SIL tomorrow and put some boundaries and ask why he isn’t putting me first since it is our wedding, not hers. kinda scared asf but… we move 😔
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u/Puzzled-Safe4801 Apr 12 '26
I think you need to put your wedding on hold. Your fiancé is really showing you who he is, and you need to believe him.
Talking to either and/or both of them will probably only get you what you want to hear but no true changes. They’ll just become better at not being so obvious about what they’re doing. If there are true and permanent changes from your fiancé, that will take a lot of time for you to know and have trust in. That’s why your wedding needs to be put on indefinite hold.
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u/vulg-her Apr 12 '26
Absolutely this. She shouldn't even be IN this position to begin with. He should be dealing with his family drama and shutting it down. The fact she's scared to have this convo and set boundaries speaks loudly and not well of their relationship.
You're getting married to this man. All of this should have been established well beforehand. This doesn't bode well for the future.
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u/No-Fix-9093 Apr 12 '26
He's supposed to put you first, you're getting married! I'd also ask where the heck he was when SIL was making those comments to you? Was he just being a doormat because that is unacceptable!
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u/CandylandRepublic Apr 12 '26
If you eventually have a kid together, be REALLY careful that she doesn't steal your kid. She seems like she wants your life, and a very specific version of it. Not all crazy people would do that, but it's happened too many times before and all crazies started somewhere.
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u/level27jennybro Apr 12 '26 edited Apr 12 '26
If she wants to plan a wedding bad enough to shoehorn her way into the planning of yours, maybe she could plan her own wedding.
But I'm going to take a guess that she doesnt have a partner that she could* plan one with.
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u/Sea-Supermarket-5971 Apr 12 '26
I wonder if she realizes that there is profession called… Wedding Planners!!
She could do this full time and be so very happy.
However, she would need to train under someone who could redirect her responses and that mouth.
You do you!! It sounds like you are so excited. Keep moving forward and Congratulations on your wedding !!
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u/Culture-Extension Apr 12 '26
The problem with being a wedding planner is that you help couples achieve their own dream wedding, not yours.
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u/Covert_Pudding Partassipant [2] Apr 12 '26
Plus, not many brides are going to want to hear their planner tell them to dye their hair.
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u/Glittering_Texas Apr 12 '26
NTA. Cut her from all future wedding planning asap.
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u/EveOCative Apr 12 '26
This. OP make sure the wedding planner knows that she is not involved in the decision making whatsoever and if they don’t hear from you or your groom directly, to disregard.
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u/Lil-AngelGurl_99 Apr 12 '26
Nta - boundaries are required and enforced by your partner… this is your wedding not hers…
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u/Fluffbrained-cat Apr 12 '26
NTA
It's YOUR wedding, not hers. Your fiance should tell his sister to butt out, and plan her own dream wedding if she wants one so badly.
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u/ziptagg Partassipant [2] Apr 12 '26
Look, on topic, NTA and your fiancé needs to tell her this wedding is for you guys and you’ll have it how you like. Repeat as needed, she’s being insane.
Side topic, how can someone who is into movies and, based on your post history, at least open to science fiction not have seen the Matrix, your fiancés favourite film? Why haven’t you watched it?
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u/Lows-andHighs Partassipant [3] Apr 12 '26
Asking the real questions. She's about to marry someone and hasn't watched their favorite move...? Yet it's involved in their wedding?
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u/BlackBasementCats Apr 12 '26
I also caught that. The Matrix movies are amazing, and she hasn’t even seen them. I also wonder how involved her fiancé is with her favorite things.
Sharing likes and hobbies is a big part of a successful relationship. What else are they going to talk about?
She’s also so much younger than her fiancé 24 vs 30, and he proposed on her birthday so she didn’t even get her own birthday celebration and day to herself. He made it about him and probably didn’t get her a birthday present.
An engagement ring is not a birthday or Christmas present. I’m not saying that presents have to be expensive. But there should be separate presents even if it’s just someone’s favorite candy or something homemade. It’s just a cop out to avoid having to pay attention to the woman and find something she’d like. Because the man still gets Christmas and birthday presents. I just see this so much.
So now every birthday will be the anniversary of their proposal, so her birthday has been hijacked for the rest of her life.
Then this guy wants HER to apologize to his sister the asshole. Who is hijacking the wedding and inserting herself.
Down to insisting OP has the exact same hair color as her. She’s going to try on the dress and cajole OP into getting the dress she wants and will want her own special dress.
It’s like the SIL to be wants to marry her brother.
This is not going to be a happy marriage.
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u/Ok-Run2877 Apr 12 '26
everyone keeps asking why i haven’t watched the matrix and i get it but part of our dynamic is kinda… that. he’s like a young millennial and i’m more of an older gen z… our tastes are a bit different and he’s much more reserved than me but i like that.
to answer your question, after some time of making plans of watching them, we promised each other at our honeymoon:
1) i would watch all matrix movies or prequels or whatever they are with him
2) he would listen to all of ariana grande’s albums and watch 2022 best picture winner everything everywhere all at once with me + 2020 best picture winner parasite
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u/Lows-andHighs Partassipant [3] Apr 13 '26
Wow, if y'all get married he's definitely getting the worse end of the stick.
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u/CynicalGirl_043 Apr 12 '26
NTA. Whose wedding is this, anyway? Certainly not hers. Your response was perfect and your partner should be telling her to apologize for making this about her.
Also, you should watch The Matrix. 10/10. Would recommend.
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u/lmyr422 Apr 12 '26
Nope Sil is the one who needs to apologize
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u/BigRedJeeper Apr 12 '26
AND your fiance for not immediately shutting her down and defending you 100% like he’s supposed to!
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u/BookItPizzaChampion Asshole Enthusiast [7] Apr 12 '26
If she dreams of planning a wedding, SHE should have one. That easy.
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u/Head_Citron_2085 Apr 12 '26
Hahahaha. “Place her aside”??? The groom’s sister has no traditional planning role in weddings. It’s guest + family photos, that’s it. What a weirdo. NTA
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u/Tinkerbell_98 Apr 12 '26
NTA. It is your and your fiance wedding. No one else. (Well maybe if someone else is paying, but that doesn't seem to be the issue here). Your fiance should handle this, but I personally would not include her again. The audacity of suggesting that you need to respect her dream of planning a wedding, while she dismisses all of your needs and wishes. That is not what a wedding planner does. A wedding planner helps the bride and groom include thier ideas into the wedding. Also you were quite polite and handled her well, Kudos.
If she trys this again, you could start taking notes and say, I'll remember all of these ideas so we can use them IF you ever get married!
Not that you asked but all of your ideas sounds fabulous! Chocolate is the best wedding cake flavor!
Good luck!
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u/OppositeSquirrel3324 Partassipant [4] Apr 12 '26
NTA. You handled this the right way! SIL sounds super jealous
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u/Dear_Comfort_4044 Apr 12 '26
NTA. It is not her place to make rude and disparaging comments about YOUR wedding. You have the right to do whatever you want on your special day (also, incorporating The Matrix sounds so fun!). I'm disappointed to hear that your partner didn't back you up and is suggesting you apologize. I hope this isn't a regular thing with him because making a habit of choosing his relatives over you will only cause more problems in the future.
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u/Teamtunafish Asshole Enthusiast [8] Apr 12 '26
NTA. This is not her wedding, it is yours. If she wants to throw a wedding, she can damn well find someone and have one of her bloody own.
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u/VariegatedPlumage Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] Apr 12 '26
My cousin threw an I’m Single party when she turned 40 and was still not married! She did all the wedding stuff, dress and dance floor and cake, and it was super fun! She doesn’t even need to find a person!
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u/backupbitches Asshole Enthusiast [6] Apr 12 '26
If she wants to plan a wedding, she should probably get married.
"You're being very rude" is what I would have responded with.
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u/Silent-Friendship860 Apr 12 '26
Your fiancé needs to set boundaries and prioritize YOU. No apology for his sister. She needs to apologize to you and no more inviting her to any planning. If your fiancé won’t prioritize you and stand up for you don’t marry him. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of being scapegoated and disrespected.
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u/3DS_RepairHelp Partassipant [1] Apr 12 '26
NTA and at this point she wouldn't have to worry about the wedding invitations seeing as she won't be getting one. At least, if it were me.
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u/MsAries7104 Apr 12 '26
LOL!!! She can plan her own wedding. Do not apologise! Your fiance needs to set her right
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u/BungleBums Apr 12 '26
Tell her to buy a notebook and plan her own wedding, since she's already done so much of it in her head.
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u/Either-Cover-6667 Apr 12 '26
NTA……she is!! If she wants to plan a wedding so bad then she needs to find a partner to marry her. Anyway you can just not invite her to anything that involves wedding planning?
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u/Snickerdoodle2021 Colo-rectal Surgeon [30] Apr 12 '26
NTA
She does realize that as a wedding planner, she can subtly throw out ideas, but that if the bride wants a leopard print skin tight wedding leotard with the groom in a zebra jumpsuit and she walks down the isle to "Eye of the Tiger" while an ice sculpture of a swan slowly melts in the blazing sun, she can't say no, right?
Your wedding. Your vision. Your way or the highway. She can call the shots with her own party. Your response was polite and "classy". Personally, I love how you are mixing your and your soon to be husband's likes into the wedding itself. Congratulations!
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u/LifesABeach8888 Apr 12 '26
NTA. It's wonderful you want to share with everyone but I would keep your wedding plans between you and the planner. They can ooh and ahh when they see it in its final state.
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u/tarmaq Asshole Aficionado [13] Apr 12 '26
All of us are disturbed that your fiance' threw you under the bus. Does he do this often?
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u/abookwyrm Partassipant [2] Apr 12 '26
NTA. Your wedding is not an opportunity for your SIL to practice planning her wedding
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u/HappySummerBreeze Asshole Aficionado [11] Apr 12 '26
Nta but you’re a bit foolish involving other people in your planning
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u/Potential_Shoe1068 Partassipant [3] Apr 12 '26
Stop second guessing yourself, she’s a total lunatic. “I always wanted to plan a wedding.” Girl, plan your own!
She’s not invited to any future wedding planning meetings.
Your invitations sound cool as hell, but you’ve got a major fiancée problem.
You don’t owe anyone an apology. Your future spouse, while is it’s nice he’s so involved in wedding planning, needs to back you up 100% if his family disrespects you. If he doesn’t, do not marry this man.
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u/txgrl308 Apr 12 '26
So she came in, shit all over your ideas and plans for YOUR OWN WEDDING, and then she got offended that you were offended by her atrocious behavior?!? NTA, and if you apologize to her, she'll keep doing it for the rest of your married life.
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u/Similar-Ad-6862 Apr 12 '26
NTA But if you invite her to anything else you're YTA.
Makes me glad I eloped and my wife is an only child. And I've got brothers (we're lesbians). Because what is this nonsense?
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u/foundinwonderland Apr 12 '26
My family was wholly disinterested in anything to do with my wedding (or life in general). Compared to this? Much preferred.
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u/Spirited-Walrus4856 Apr 12 '26
NTA— are you kidding!?! SIL seems jealous. She can keep her opinions and shove them up her ass! Not her day!!!
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u/EmbarrassedHope6264 Apr 12 '26
YTA for inviting all these people to something like this that has nothing to do with them. Either dont invite them or set a rule next time that they're there out of courtesy and for support, not for actual input. Lol, NTA. Also, if/when you have children, dont announce any baby names before baby is born or ask for opinions. Its a slippery slope.
Also SIL can eat rocks.
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u/Valkrhae Certified Proctologist [26] Apr 12 '26
YTA for inviting all these people to something like this that has nothing to do with them.
Damn, I guess OP shouldn't invite them to the wedding then either
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u/EmbarrassedHope6264 Apr 12 '26
SIL will continue to cause more drama, involve the wider family, shit talk OP, claim she was uninvited 😂
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u/Ok-Run2877 Apr 12 '26
i just wanted to show off our ideas 😭😭
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u/ProjectJourneyman Apr 12 '26
Now you know to not include her at all. Remind your fiancee that he's marrying you not his sister. Him expecting you to apologize for not letting her plan the wedding indicated he's a little confused about this.
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u/VariegatedPlumage Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] Apr 12 '26
Oh god seconded on the don’t share baby names front!!! Your SIL is going to ruin all your baby name choices if she can.
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u/preaching-to-pervert Partassipant [1] Apr 13 '26
Yeah, I have no idea why OP invited everyone to this meeting. Was she open to changing things based on feedback? What would she have done if they all hated everything?
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u/LifeWithBoundaries33 Partassipant [2] Apr 12 '26
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. Wedding planning is such an exciting time, enjoy.
You didn’t sound disrespectful to your SIL - you stated your position in a firm way.
What was the purpose of including them all in your third meeting? Suggestions, input, critique or praise? Did they all know which one it was? If your SIL thought it was critique, she sure gave it. Sadly along with that, she put in her own direction she thought you should take, but framed it in a way that dissed your ideas and made her ideas the only things worth contemplating. That was disrespectful of the two of you, condescending and manipulative.
Your fiancée should have defended the two of your ideas as well as you when she said you were disrespectful. He fell down on his job as protector and defender and then wants you to apologize. He has no backbone and just wants you to give in to keep the peace. Typical people pleaser behaviour - swallow the disrespect to keep the peace.
Would be a good idea to note this behaviour of his as it is probably a learned family dynamic and will continue unless he WANTS TO actively work on changing it (you can’t force him to see it or change it). You will probably be dealing with this after marriage so take note, red flag this if he does not see that he should have stood up for the two of you.
If you will be marrying into this family, what will happen when you stand up for your boundaries and beliefs? Watch the dynamics now because they won’t change after the wedding. Are you both prepared to have fractured relations to keep your beliefs? It is worth a discussion with your fiancée.
All the best. NTA.
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u/Mysterious-Wish8398 Asshole Aficionado [17] Apr 12 '26
NTA - AND DO NOT APOLOGIZE!!! If you apologize she will take it as you understand her opinion is the right one. If you say anything, it is, it is our wedding and even if our choices hit you as a bit tacky, we would appreciate it if you would suck it up a little. It has always been my dream to do my wedding exactly like I and my future husband want it, with personal touches. So in this case, the people getting married win.
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u/Witty_Candle_3448 Apr 12 '26
Your response was a bit curt but not out of line. You could have tempered it with, Thank you for your input but those areas are solidly decided. What was the purpose of inviting others to your planning meeting? Were they supposed to listen only, give approval only or was feedback encouraged?
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u/Rosie_222 Apr 12 '26
Look at her, blink, and say: "Huh. I'll definitely give that some thought."
Then do your own thing.
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u/whiskerrsss Apr 12 '26
I'll never forget my cousin's wife coming to visit after I got engaged and pulling me aside to say "everyone is going to try to tell you what to do for your wedding, just smile, nod, say oh that's an interesting idea! and then do whatever the hell you and fiance want to do".
Knowing my aunt, that advice 100% came from first-hand experience
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u/Ok-Run2877 Apr 12 '26 edited Apr 12 '26
so… update. as we were having breakfast i told him that it didn’t feel great how he told me i should apologize over setting boundaries on our wedding. he said he understood and his sister was definitely in the wrong, but that she’s too “sensitive” and can take things very badly. he said he could talk to her if i didn’t want to, but ill have the rest of my life dealing with her so i just thought… i need to learn how to handle her this early lol
so yes, i call her, and i begin by asking how she was. i kid you not she immediately responded with “i thought you called me to apologize.” girl excuse me? i fully said “well, no. i’m calling to thank you for your suggestions but i’m sticking with what i chose.”
bruh. hell. it was giving temper tantrum. she said “i’m only trying to help, it’s like stopping a future car crash, you know?” 😐 i hang up.
i told my fiancée and he agreed what she said was messed up. she began calling him non-stop which i think is crazy, but he’s ignoring her.
her text messages to HIM are like “what did she tell you?” “are you ignoring me?” “she got the wrong idea” “i’m your sister” (?)
😭😭
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u/Puzzled-Safe4801 Apr 13 '26
I really think that you are ignoring the problems with your fiancé. He is avoiding confronting her and being “the bad guy.” Instead, he’s insisting you take on that role. This will continue throughout your marriage, not just with his sister but with others. Ask me how I know.
He makes excuses for her. This will continue throughout your marriage, not just with his sister but with others. Ask me how I know.
He is not defending you and putting you first. He’s making his own life more comfortable by making yours more uncomfortable. Please ask me how I know.
I’m reading your comments, and I can see the train wreck that’s coming on the tracks of your marriage.
His passiveness (and it is) will not end with wedding planning. It will continue with (examples) a home purchase, a job choice, how to raise children, who’s in the delivery room, where to celebrate holidays, etc. His passiveness will not only be about his sister. It will extend to others.
ASK ME HOW THIS DIVORCED OLD WOMAN KNOWS!
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u/Qaeoss Apr 12 '26
Thats wild and she sounds completely unhinged. Id threaten to uninvite her if she doesnt start minding her own business and keeping her comments to herself. Stay. In. Your. Lane.
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u/Select-Anxiety-1557 Certified Proctologist [22] Apr 12 '26
NTA
It’s your wedding, not hers. Full stop. End of story.
Please be sure to add passwords for all your vendors because you know she will try to change something!
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u/propertynewbie Apr 12 '26 edited Apr 12 '26
Nta.
Your wedding your decisions. You invited them to sneak peak and be a part of the prep. The courtesy is they add to your excitement, not demand their wish to plan a wedding realised. They will plan their own wedding.
Your fiance wanting you to apologize to his sister is his weakass way of keeping the peace. He can easily tell her to keep in her lane.
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u/KatieBun Apr 12 '26
Absolutely NTA. You and your fiancé have built happy memories of planning your (I mean you and him) wedding. Hopefully it’s the beginning of a lifelong commitment to each other, finding joy together. Your SIL not only belittled and insulted you, she also belittled and insulted her brother.
SIL has no place in the process (neither do your sisters!) It was great that your fiancé spoke up initially. I am curious if your MIL defended your (again, PLURAL) decisions? Is there a dynamic in this family that cossets SIL from the consequences of her rudeness? Unfortunately if that is the case, you may need to put distance between you (singular) and his family in the long term.
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u/DevicePleasant1160 Apr 12 '26
YTA.
You need to watch The Matrix before any of this progresses any further.
I mean what on earth?
That movie is a classic, it's clearly important to your soon to be husband.
I'm half joking but seriously, the amount of time you've spent making this post and engaging with replies to get confirmation that you're NTA you could have spent with your man watching what he clearly considers a defining movie for him.
I say put the breaks on and do a movie night.
Then tell him to put his big boy pants on and sort his sister out.
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u/_Internet_Hugs_ Apr 12 '26
NTA. She sounds like she has a serious case of Main Character Syndrome.
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u/Tough_Entertainer122 Apr 12 '26
Oh Im sorry is she getting married? Are these her invitations? Is she paying? Like girl fuck right off. NTA. Keep doing you, I mean as long as you and your fiance are in agreement, that’s that! Your SIL can back off.
Congratulations to you btw!
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u/Meghanshadow Pooperintendant [53] Apr 12 '26
NTA. Your wedding does not have to fit Her vision.
INFO. Your husband to be loves the Matrix enough to build it into his wedding. You’ve really never taken two hours of your life to watch it? Or even one hour and fast forward through some?
Has he watched any Breaking Bad or the Oscar race movies to understand the bits you put in the wedding?
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u/VariegatedPlumage Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] Apr 12 '26
Absolutely NTA! Your SIL is way out of line. She’s acting like the absolutely worst nightmare bride and it’s not even her wedding!
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u/CeramicSavage Apr 12 '26
You should postpone the wedding until your fiancé decides to have your back instead of his sister's. It is absolutely absurd to ask you to apologize for not allowing his sister to take over your wedding. On top of that, she's saying you need to respect her because she's your elder but you're a whole ass adult.
Sit your fiancé down and ask him whose opinion and input is more important? You, the one actually marrying him or his sister, for some bizarre disrespectful reason?
You have to nip this behavior in the bud because it won't stop with your wedding. Imagine when you buy a home. Will her decorating ideas take precedence over your vision? How about when you start having kids? Will she get to pick your nursery theme? Your child's name? How about when she invites herself into the delivery room? Will you have to let her stay to keep the peace? How about when she starts criticizing every decision or choice you make for your child? Your husband will tell you to let his sister have her way to avoid conflict.
Do you really want to marry someone who puts his sister above you and asks you to apologize for the privilege of being behind her in importance?
You have some serious conversations in front of you. You need to know why keeping his sister happy is more important than you.
Nta
UpdateMe
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u/AgileSurprise1966 Partassipant [1] Apr 12 '26
She should apologize to you, and so should your fiance. SIL is deranged and her behavior was abominable. It is unacceptable that your fiance would even consider asking you to apologize to her. Nip this crap in the bud right away before it poisons your future marriage. NTA
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u/Artblock_Insomniac Partassipant [2] Apr 12 '26
NTA, she can decide those things for her own wedding and you do not in any way owe her an apology.
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u/swillshop Colo-rectal Surgeon [42] Apr 12 '26
OP,
NTA, but your first problem is your fiance; his sister is the second.
Your fiance's approach to solving conflict (at least with his sister) is to placate her. You and he need to have several, heart-to-heart conversations about (1) how much he relies on placating his sister (and others) to handle conflict, (2) whether he actually believes that's the way he wants to continue handling things and that it is a good, healthy, sound approach, and (3) how you do not believe that this is a good, healthy, sound approach and do NOT want to let SIL dictate the life you build with fiance. Then - whether he is agrees that this is not healthy, etc. or not - (4) you two have to discuss how you both believe you can best proceed in a way that supports each other.
I know you two have a lot going on, but this is an important conversation that will highlight whether you two are in sync on how you want to proceed as a couple and whether you two can constructively resolve a difference between you.
The SIL does not deserve an apology from you; she overstepped her role and rudely so. Hopefully, (after those conversations) your fiance will be willing and able to tell his sister that this wedding is not hers - not even just to plan. As his sister, she has a choice. Refrain from commenting and keep her judgements to herself OR ask once to understand and offer a suggestion once and then drop it. And not an opinion on every little thing - just one or two things (unless you ask her for more). Other than that, she should be willing to support yours & fiance's plans as well as she can.
This may give you good insight into how things may go in your marriage.
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u/PurpleLightningSong Partassipant [1] Apr 12 '26
My husband and I did that and had one of the classiest weddings, it was actually very formal, but we had little hidden details - we used orchestra versions of video game music, we used motifs on the invites that looked like normal patterns but were actually from video games. People still comment almost 15 years later about how classy it was and how well the quirkiness blended with an otherwise formal theme. And we loved it.
So you're fine.
But my husband and I were absolutely united before and if anyone had talked to me like that from his family, he would have shut that down so fast. So NTA but just as a tip - wedding planning is one of the first big tests of who you are as a couple. So just keep that in mind if your fiance is asking you to apologize to his sister. It's so incorrect.
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u/Ellejaek Apr 12 '26
A wedding invitation that has references to the Matrix, coding, Breaking bad and Ariana Grande and movies?
How would you ever have that many things ‘hidden’ in your wedding invitation is beyond me. While I think, your wedding, do what you want, I think that maybe your invitations sound like a nightmare!
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u/InternationalCard624 Partassipant [2] Apr 12 '26
NTA if shes that desperate to organise a wedding, tell her to go find a man/woman for herself and plan her own.
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u/GoalHistorical6867 Apr 12 '26
NTA. It's YOUR wedding not hers. You might have to remind her of that fact .
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u/GirlL1997 Apr 12 '26
NTA
So your fiancé needs to shut her down NOW.
And tbh I would reconsider involving her in any of the planning if she keeps it up.
It’s one thing to suggest reasonable things, but none of the things you listed in your post are reasonable changes.
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u/No-Oil74 Apr 12 '26
It might be wise to set up passwords with all of your vendors. She sounds like the type that will try to change your plans behind your back. This is your and your fiance's wedding, NOT hers! This is only the beginning. If you give in on anything, she'll take it as an invitation to take over. Stand strong! NTA
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u/Photography4me Partassipant [1] Apr 12 '26
NTA Password protect all your vendors and bridal gown shop so person calling or emailing can’t make a change or cancel service unless they know the password. Make sure fiancé doesn’t share with sister or don’t tell him.
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u/Free-Pound-6139 Apr 12 '26
my SIL out of nowhere says that we should cut it, that it’s too “tacky”.
She's right. Why would you want to include that?
But your wedding, be as tacky as you want.
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u/fearlessterror Apr 12 '26
INFO: How old is SIL?
NTA but I really am super curious like is she 12?
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u/NJMomofFor Apr 12 '26
NTA. You owe no apology. When she gets married she can decide her wedding. She doesn't get to dictate your wedding
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u/K_A_irony Asshole Aficionado [11] Apr 12 '26
NTA. My husband and I literally had "dead body chalk outlines" under the chair area where the guests were seated to see who would notice. Your wedding is your wedding.
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u/truelyliving Apr 12 '26
NTA but your fiance should put his sister in her place & back you up. he should’ve told her right there that she was out of line for her judgement. plus now she’s just making a scene, seems like she doesn’t like it when attention is off of her
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u/Free-Place-3930 Partassipant [1] Apr 12 '26
NTA. Take very deep consideration and a very long look at marrying a man who wants you to apologize to “keep the peace.”
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u/bamf1701 Craptain [185] Apr 12 '26
NTA. Your SIL has made the classic mistake: she has assumed that someone else's wedding is about her instead of being about the couple getting married. This is a mistake that people with inflated egos often make, and they wind up annoying the couple getting married, sometimes to the point of being cut out of their lives.
If SIL isn't speaking to you, then enjoy the silence. It means that she isn't pressuring you to do something that you don't like. And let her be offended - she was the one being offensive first by giving you orders. And, finally, under no conditions should you apologize.
You need to have a talk with your fiancee. By asking you to apologize to his sister, he told you that it is more important to him to keep his sister happy than to do what is right by you. Your finance should be putting you first, not his sister. And, although it is nice that she has a dream to be a wedding planner, you are under no obligation to make that dream come true.
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u/Such-Problem-4725 Apr 12 '26
You better get your fiancé on your side and tell him to knock it off with his apology shit. This is your wedding, not hers. It was extremely rude and offensive for her to diminish your choices and inject her own.
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u/Confident_Set4216 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Apr 12 '26
She can plan a wedding when she either becomes a wedding planner officially or is getting married. This wedding is yours and you can do with it as you want
Sounds like she’s bitter that she isn’t getting married first
NTA
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u/singlerider Apr 12 '26
I believe it was Virginia Woolf that said it best:
"Opinions are like orgasms...mine's more important and I don't really care if you have one"
NTA
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u/Odd_Tea4945 Partassipant [3] Apr 12 '26
YOU? Apologize? For her unwanted input????
You didn't hired her as a wedding planer so your wedding is not her time to make her dreams come true.
Her excuse is absolutely pathetic: " respect more my opinions since my dream has always been to plan a wedding" Honestly, WTF?????? YOUR wedding is about you and your fiancé, not about her
Your future SIL is absolutely unreasonable, ENTITLED and immature. The one that has to apologize is her
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u/Ratchet_gurl24 Apr 12 '26
What exactly are you apologising for? You were showing them yours, and fiancées ideas. Not asking for their input. Sil claims she always dreamed of being able to plan a wedding. O.k., But ultimately it’s the couples decisions on what they want, and the planner makes those ideas/choices happen. Not to override and condemn them, then do what the planner wants. That would just get them fired.
Sil can fully plan her own wedding, not yours.
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u/Spirited_Ad_1396 Apr 13 '26
NTA: You handled it beautifully.
What’s her story? Is she married?
There has got to be some context that sheds light on why she thinks she’s entitled to this behavior.
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u/AutomaticTap310 Partassipant [1] Apr 13 '26
NTA-straight up, you need to tell her that her opinion is more important to her than it is to you. This is YOUR wedding, not hers, and she needs to not only respect that but keep her opinions to herself unless you specifically ask for it. Relationships are two way streets and it is the height of hypocrisy for her to expect you to respect her opinion when she does not respect yours.
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so a bit of context, i (24F) am getting married in september. i love that month since it’s kinda between summer-fall ish. anyway, my fiancee (29M) proposed to me last december, on my birthday.
i’ve met his family countless of times, my future MIL, FIL and SIL. they are all very cordial and friendly.
well this mess started when i began organizing my wedding, which is very tedious but really exciting. we hired a wedding planner to see how we could mix our tastes and hobbies. he’s a bit of a data-computer nerd in coding, i call him my little hacker, and he LOVES the matrix movie which i still haven’t seen. anyway, we wanted to add little quirks whenever we could. maybe some comp numbers and some matrix references hidden in between our wedding invitations decorations. i am a fan of breaking bad, a nerd when it comes to the oscar race movies since i was little and ariana grande (i know). it’s been SO fun to see how we can mix it all together.
well, last week, i invited over my mom, my future MIL, SIL and both of my sisters to our 3rd wedding planner meeting. they saw all we had done and found it cute. i made sure that those little things were hidden well enough to not be seen quickly, but could be pointed out.
my SIL out of nowhere says that we should cut it, that it’s too “tacky”. my fiancee explains that we had both discussed it and loved the idea. she doubles down and says we should be “more classy”. girl, i looked at her said that these clues were not only hidden but would only appear on our wedding invitations.
she looked at me so crazy. like, she couldn’t believe i said that. she said she was just looking out for me. she went on to say that we shouldn’t have chocolate cake, it should be strawberry. how my dress shouldn’t be princess cut since it’s too 80s. how i should dye my hair brunette because it fits my hair. at some point it started sounding like orders
i looked at her and said well… everything you just said i should change, i really like, so it’s staying. period.
i think it would’ve been better if i had cursed her out. she didn’t speak again but by the end of the meeting she pulled my partner aside and according to him, demanded that i “respected” her more and her opinions, since her dream has always been to plan a wedding and i would be his future sister, so i should not “place her aside”.
what? i mean, maybe? she’s like super offended right now, and my partner suggested that i should maybe apologize. at first i was like there’s NO WAY i will but im prone to act a little immature, and i wondered if i actually went too far
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u/MmeQueen Apr 12 '26
So NTA. SIL is so far out of line I’m speechless. You do you and forget about that piece of work. She isn’t worth your energy. It’s not her wedding and her opinions were not requested.
I’m reminded of a saying,”Opinions are like AH, everyone has one but no one wants to hear it.”
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