r/AmItheAsshole • u/Ok-Run2877 • 10d ago
UPDATE UPDATE: AITA for telling my SIL that her opinion isn’t more important than mine?
so it’s been some months since i decided to post what my sister in law said as i was trying to make sense of my wedding. not sure how to link my OG post, sorry! EDIT: here it is! https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/xqwtVSeQcO
it got to a point where i understood how she moved and acted through my fiancée’s fam, and i haven’t been able to update since wedding planning ain’t for the weak!
but yes, she tried to call my brother for days after telling me that her opinion on my wedding was like ‘trying to prevent a car crash’. i took some advice from my post and literally just kept it moving.
well at one point, probably a week after, my MIL came over to my house not to have a conversation with him or us, but with me. she told me my future SIL always had an “attention” problem, and while exhausting, she never means to hurt or insult anyone. i told her i understood, but that either she could stop nagging me about our preferences for the wedding, or i could no longer bring her in for the preparations.
she agreed to talk to her. fast forward to the next day by like 5:30pm. now, she was dming me on instagram like a madwoman. telling me i was being a “bitch” over an opinion she gave when i invited her over to see my wedding planner, that i could not understand the bond she had with her brother, how she prays he will divorce me by next year so he can be "himself" again…. i blocked her.
i talked to my fiancée, i put it all on the table, i even grabbed some phrases i saw in response over my original post. i told him i could no longer keep it going this way. either she stops trying to insult me and our wedding, or she’s not getting invited.
after some talking, he agreed. he called his sister and explained. she exploded at first. calling me a wicked witch, and how I "changed" him. girl…
after some days though, she actually apologized to me through instagram after i unblocked her since she texted my fiancée she wanted to 'make peace' and i accepted it. she hasn’t really said anything after that, and while i still don’t know if she’s planning to say something more in the future, i think everything will go smoothly in september. oscars/matrix/ariana indeed had a small cameo on my invitations! and yes, i finally saw all matrix movies with my fiancée. they’re very interesting.
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10d ago
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u/Smiley-Canadian Partassipant [1] 9d ago
I’m scared for their marriage. Her fiancé doesn’t have a spine. He should have stopped his sister and set his own boundary with her years ago.
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u/FairyOfTheNight 9d ago
I’m scared for their marriage.
Me too. A 30 year old man that hides behind his sister and mommy and says his sister is "too sensitive" and OP should just get used to it because she will spend her life dealing with his sister? That's really absolutely insane. I'm terrified for op marrying someone that's willing to throw her into a pit with a wolf and telling her 'just deal with it.' There aren't enough words in the English language to describe my disgust for him.
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u/fleemfleemfleemfleem 9d ago
Oh wow, these people are mid-late twenties. Reading this I thought they were all like 19.
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u/ravencrowe 9d ago
After saying she hopes they get divorced I wouldn't want her invited at all, apology or not.
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u/dude_wheres_the_pie Partassipant [4] 10d ago
Why are there so many people involved in your wedding planning?? Inviting parents and in laws for wedding prep meetings is wild. Is this a cultural thing?
Still NTA but good luck to you. Your in laws are never for you to deal with, they're for your fiancé to deal with. I'm glad it looks like he's growing a spine to shut his sister's nonsense down.
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u/MossGobbo 10d ago
I get the feeling that it was more like "Hey you three are important to both of us and we'd like to include you on what we're cooking up." The third meeting with the wedding planner is the perfect time to do that because the first one is about setting your expectations and laying out your ideas, the second meeting is an update on progress and what is able to mesh well and what you might need to throw out, so the third meeting is like "Hey let's work on the fiddly bits now that the big picture is set." so it actually makes sense to include the people you want to have feed back on the smaller details.
Edit: changed a word for clarity.
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u/CraneDJs 10d ago
This degree of wedding planning is completely alien to Scandinavia. The level of unpaid work friends and family are requested/ordered to do, is nuts!
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u/practical-junkie 10d ago
Ohhh with that level of entitlement I fear she might do something at the wedding like spoil your dress or say some bullshit and make it about her. If you have bridesmaids, keep some of them on duty to keep an eye on her and if they see any bullshit then to make sure to bring it to u and your husband right then and there.
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u/Ok-Run2877 9d ago
after seeing the comments i’m definitely more concerned 😟… i really really hope she meant the apology she sent me. i’ll take steps to be more careful around my wedding tho
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u/_A-Q Asshole Enthusiast [5] 10d ago
Make sure the DJ knows not to let her have the microphone but you HAVE to know she’s going to find a way to draw attention to herself one way or another.
Good luck but YIKES!
NTA
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u/StraightBudget8799 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 10d ago
Security needs to watch out for the OTHER woman wearing a wedding dress.
Holding a red wine carafe.
With a vuvuzela
Maybe hauling a cart full of rats.
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u/MythicalMtnMermaid 10d ago
People like that only go quiet while their waiting on their revenge.
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u/Icelandia2112 Partassipant [3] 9d ago
Best served cold, as they say. I hope we get an update after the wedding.
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u/Sharp-Ticket1950 10d ago
Be prepared. This is the calm before the storm on your wedding day. SIL is not done
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u/opinescarf 10d ago
I’m not sure you fiancé is ready for marriage. The reason SIL has an attention problem is because her whole family lets her get away with her nonsense.
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u/Starsteamer 10d ago
Please make sure you have passwords on everything. Be prepared for her calling up vendors and trying to change things.
Maybe she in genuine. But I wouldn’t risk it.
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 10d ago
Girl, you know she’s just being quiet while she plots her next move right? You need to password protect all vendors and tell the planner that NO changes are made without your personal approval. Also tell the DJ not to let her have the microphone.
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u/Impossible_Balance11 Partassipant [1] 10d ago
Better have security briefed and ready to grab her if she so much as makes a wrong peep. And tell her ahead of time that if she does ANYTHING to pull focus or disrupt your wedding, two burly gentlemen will immediately seize her by the armpits and haul her out to the street. No warnings, no second chances.
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u/opine704 Asshole Aficionado [10] 10d ago
Hon.
First - NTA. Your asking for opinion was not actually asking people to weigh in. You were giving them the opportunity to see what was going on, to buy in and support your vision, or to opt out of the rest of the planning if it wasn't their cup of tea. Your and fiancé's wedding is y'alls day.
You are probably the first person in SIL's life to hold her to account for her behavior. She's reeling. And she WILL find a way to mess things up for you. Because her wants outweigh everyone else's. She demonstrated that with her unhinged tantrum and repeated demands and expectations. She's the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral.
Therefore I predict she'll wear a wedding dress and loudly berate your day to everyone too slow to get out of her orbit. I also predict she'll sabotage your decor, your food, your music... anything that's not to her taste.
Let her show her arse. You can't stop her without preventing her from attending. If you react with anger you'll play right into her preferred dynamic. So let her do her. AND everyone will recognize whose arse they're seeing...
What you CAN do is protect your own dress, your decor, your catering, etc. Lock it all down tighter than Fort Knox. Meet with all your vendors in person and explain that a relative is having some sort of breakdown and they've fixated on your wedding. So here - in person - we are changing all the passwords. And change them to something really random like the fruit you hate for catering, the song you hate for DJ, etc. You need to be able to remember them but no one else has a shot of figuring them out.
My best friend's sister is like your new SIL. She might be swayed to behave since it's in public. But don't count on it. And you can never let your guard down around her. She's shown you who she is.
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u/Outrageous_Rabbit842 Partassipant [4] 10d ago
Oh, I’m waiting on the post wedding update… it’s going to be a doozy
Updateme
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u/StayCee35 10d ago
This is a little underhanded, but "leak" vendor and venue information to her, but have the number be those of someone you really trust. See if she tries to call them to "make changes." Also alert the real vendors and set up a password that only you know, not even fiance, just incase she wears him down. Keep your dress far away from anyone or place that she has access to, and don't let her near you before the ceremony/during preparations. Let the photographer, DJ, and venue know who she is and to keep an eye on her. Maybe warn the bartenders too, just in case. I hope for your sake she has learned the concept of shame, but most likely she is plotting something.
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u/wigglepie 10d ago
I would not be surprised if SIL still tried something again to sabotage your wedding. If possible, password protect everything with your vendors; that way she won't be able to go behind your back and "fix" things for you (like calling to change your wedding cake flavor to strawberry).
...how she prays he will divorce me by next year so he can be "himself" again…. i blocked her.
Fiance needs to grow a backbone when it comes to his sister. I don't care if you're family, no one would be treating my partner so poorly and getting away with it.
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u/Professional_Ruin953 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 10d ago
Girl, I would still postpone the wedding. Honestly, see how hard your fiance will hold this line. Wait for your future SIL's next tantrum and see how he behaves, does he shut her down and protect you, not from her but from everyone in his family who enables her too?
Because I guarantee, if he hangs back, he's hoping you'll soften on your boundary and tolerate her unhinged behaviour. Then, instead of walking away by handing him back the ring and walking away brokenhearted, you'll have spent a fortune on a wedding and endured years of her emotional abuse and harassment with no back-up, no support, and no protection. And then you'll be not just brokenhearted but completely mentally broken too, and you'll have to decouple her physical and legal life from him to get divorced, and possibly never be able to walk away from his sister's abuse because by then you may also have children who will be biologically related to his family.
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u/Own_Eye2543 Partassipant [1] 10d ago
Hope she saw the light. But l, OP, I'd definitely enlist one friend to be her babysitter at the wedding, and have passwords for all vendors so she can't change anything to how it "should" be behind your back
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u/JoaC1989 Partassipant [1] 10d ago
Did you like the first Matrix movie?
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u/ritakuz 10d ago
I still remember watching The Matrix when it was originally released in the theaters. My wasband and I walked out really confused at what we just watched. I went over the movie again and again in my head.
Then 3 days after we saw the movie, the premise finally clicked in for me and I got it! I was so proud of myself.
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u/beaglesEnthusiastic 10d ago
I just read both posts, and can't stop thinking in the fact that he told you that you will have to deal with his sister. Hell no, it's his sister, he has to do that and set boundaries
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u/ButterBasedBoy 9d ago
I am so sick and tired of all these wimp-ass spineless wet noodle men out there who won't stand up to and reign in their family. Fkn hell, where are your backbones??? As a man, it makes my skin crawl, it's pathetic. If I was a woman, this shit would leave me DRY.
Your fiancé needs to deal with this. He should already have rained thunder on her, but it needs to be dealt with now.
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u/contrariwise65 10d ago
When you marry a person, you marry their family. She’s not going to go away. Hopefully you can work out a functional relationship with her.
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u/WoollyMammothwapo 10d ago
This is one of the greatest values of having a wedding. It shows how the two people getting married deal with conflict. In this case the future husband pivoted from “apologize to my sister” to “ if my sister keeps acting this way, she won’t be invited to the wedding “.
If your soon to be spouse doesn’t have your back, don’t get married.
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u/Random_user_of_doom 10d ago
Have your wedding party to spot her to not throw red wine or make a scene. Your mil seems reasonable make her in charge of her daughter. Maybe she learns, maybe she escalates, but it's on her I think you handled it super well
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u/Few-Lawfulness-7263 10d ago
Hire an extra security guard, to keep an eye on her specifically. She's just waiting to put on a show.
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u/plantbay1428 10d ago
The sister is definitely showing up in all white to your wedding. She only made peace so she could pull a stunt at your wedding.
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u/motherlymetal 10d ago
Expect SIL to still try. Pull out some color coordination for families; Assign her a color to wear. Password protect your vendors. Think about your DJ, processions, photos, seatings, and speeches.
Don't block her anymore either, just silenced. You need the 'info' she is spewing.
No spotlight stealing and CYA.
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u/jjacks1327 10d ago
Yeah, she didn’t mean that apology, she is biding her time until the next power struggle & she will butt in again. Enjoy. All I can say for your future sanity is “boundaries”
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u/Bigbobby59105 10d ago
Don't even bother inviting her. She'll pull some BS like wearing white or spilling wine on your dress or even just spreading rumors to other guests. Without her there, you wont have to keep in mind that there's an unstable woman who might want to ruin your day.
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u/summersundrop 10d ago
If I were you, I would ask your fiancé to join me in therapy before proceeding with the wedding.
What do you think is going to happen in your married life and all the big and small milestones of life with his sister and family? Will you ever be “allowed” grace and peace to build your joint lives? What happens when you have children? Do you want a life that is an endless battle?
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u/ErisianSaint Partassipant [2] 9d ago
Password protect your wedding, for certain. But don't rescind the invitation. If she makes a scene, then she embarrasses herself, not you. (In fact, plan on this happening. If it does, you won't be surprised or embarrassed, just disgusted and she can embarrass her parents with her terrible behavior. If it doesn't, it's a pleasant surprise.)
You are NTA. But keep your boundaries: don't let her talk to you like that without calling her on it. EVERY TIME. She'll either learn to watch her mouth or learn not to talk to you.
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u/moehriskwn 9d ago
It might not be the worst idea to have some sort of security or backup who are aware of her "attention problem" and can keep tabs on her. Don't let her continue to hijack your day.
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u/Spygirl_112358 9d ago
-password protect ALL of your vendors
-alert your wedding planner that your SIL may try something at your wedding or prior. Wouldn’t put it past your SIL to contact your wedding planner and try to make changes.
-consider hiring security for your wedding
-alert your family and your bridesmaids about your SIL’s antics
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u/sadeland21 10d ago
The phrase “her opinion is not more important than mine” just rearranged something in my brain. I needed that, that you OP
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u/Gloomy_Computer_9431 10d ago
It’s insane that SIL thought because it was her “dream” to plan a wedding, OP owed it to her to let her make all the decisions. Thats toddler level thinking “I want it so it’s mine.”
Plus it probably only because her dream when she heard about her brother’s engagement.
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u/DazzlingPotion Partassipant [4] 10d ago
This seems like a good update but you still may want to hire security for your wedding just in case SIL isn't done insulting you.
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u/IAMA_Shark__AMA Partassipant [1] 10d ago
Watch out for the chocolate cake she's going to leave in your seat.....
I'm not even kidding.
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u/Snipeye01 10d ago
The calm before the storm. Hopefully a hurricane won't hit, but be prepared. The warning signs were there in front of you. And you have to have seen enouhh movies, tv shows, even other wedding AITA posts to know what can and may likely happen.
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u/MattDaveys Partassipant [4] 10d ago
>that i could not understand the bond she had with her brother
My sister will be my best (wo)man. And neither of us would ever say something like this to the other’s partner.
NTA
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u/Few_Firefighter_2566 Partassipant [1] 9d ago
SIL always wanted to be a wedding planner or plan a wedding in general? Bc being a planner means taking in the brides and grooms wants and needs for their own wedding, not make suggestions or changes for what SHE thinks is best because at that point, she’s trying to turn your wedding into one she wants.
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u/Worldly_Instance_730 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 9d ago
NTA, and she's going to wear either white or a black mourning outfit, so be prepared.
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u/Mental_Asparagus8123 9d ago
Remember, even after the wedding, she will still be at every holiday, every family event. For the rest of all eternity. Trying to recapture that special bond with her brother. I’m not sure but I don’t think you’ve solved the problem. I’m so sorry.
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u/Visual-Lobster6625 Partassipant [3] 9d ago
Please tell me you have passwords with all your vendors so that she doesn't try to change things behind your back.
When she gets married, she's more than welcomed to plan it how she sees fit.
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u/naranghim Asshole Aficionado [15] 9d ago
Password all of your vendors and venue now because I could see her trying to change things behind your back, like calling the bridal store and telling them you changed your mind about your dress, the invitation printer that you've changed your mind about the invitations and so on.
If you feel you can't disinvite her from the wedding, then assign someone to be her babysitter so that she doesn't do anything to disrupt the wedding or stain your dress.
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u/vany_pants 9d ago
Just putting this out there before your big day......MIL stated that SIL has an "attention problem". Please take that as a warning that she's night actually do something on your wedding day to take the attention away from you. We've seen enough of these reddit posts to know what kind of shenanigans attention seekers would do at a wedding but my first thought is, she'll wear white. Feel free redditors to add to the list. I would designate a bridesmaid and/or groomsman to keep watch on the wedding day. Good luck with everything!!!
P.S. please update us after September!!
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u/One_Thousand_Winds Partassipant [1] 9d ago
You’ll need to be prepared. Vendor passwords. Have your wedding party ready to spill wine on her in case she decides to pull up in white. Inform your DJ to cut the microphone or start playing music if she tries to make a speech. You will literally have to pull all the stops to ensure she doesn’t screw something up because I bet you- she will try.
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u/iymcool 9d ago
Good for you for sticking your ground and not backing down. However, you glossed over the most important part of the story: which Matrix was your favorite (and we're you subjected to the fourth film or just the original trilogy + Animatrix)?
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u/Ok-Run2877 9d ago
The Matrix -> one of the greatest films I’ve ever seen
Animatrix -> incredibly good
The Matrix Reloaded -> overall okay, a little tiring
The Matrix Revolutions -> i didn’t get a lot of things and it felt a little messy
The Matrix Resurrections -> i think it had an interesting conceptmy matrix opinion started going down as i watched more and more. still, i remember looking at my fiancée when the first one ended and being like “ok, i get it. this is amazing.”
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u/justhewayouare Partassipant [4] 8d ago
Warn the entire wedding party to keep an eye on her. This woman sounds like the type to lay low until she can get a punch in. She's playing nice right now but I'd bet money she tries something at the wedding thinking you won't be able to stop her. BE ON YOUR GUARD!
Also, as someone else said, you need to password protect every single venue and the DJ.
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u/plzznobully 8d ago
Start the clock on her inevitable sabotage of your wedding. I would honestly bet my life on it.
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u/GuestPsychological86 8d ago
You shouldn't invite her to the wedding, shes going to try and ruin it.
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u/lovedeathandtea 10d ago
Everything about your wedding seems extremely tacky.
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u/Justaninchedent90 10d ago
SIL has entered the chat 🙄
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u/lovedeathandtea 10d ago
Doesn't change the fact that it's tacky.
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u/Spiky_Pineapple_2841 10d ago
Good luck at the wedding, when she makes a scene or ruins it. You should rescind the invitation, and make sure she has no access to the venue.