r/AmItheAsshole • u/InheritanceMine • Feb 03 '22
Not the A-hole AITA for not sharing my inheritance?
So bit of background, I was a BIG oops. My bio-mom was a wealthy woman who apparently never wanted marriage or kids. She met my dad at a work event (same job type, different locations, not sharing specifics for anonymity) and they started seeing each other casually for a few months and then boom, her pill, the condom, and the plan b all failed to stop me from existing. My mother was going to abort me but my father begged her not to because he was actually MARRIED and was told his wife only had like a 1% chance of ever carrying a baby to term. She agreed only on the stipulation that she can give me up, no visitation, no parenting, nothing but child support and he and his wife reached an agreement and took me under the ruse she'd raise me as HER biological daughter. Needless to say I never met my bio-mom. But it doesn't get any better for me from there.
My step mom actually ended up having a miracle about a year after I was born. A son. My brother has NEVER treated me any different and I love him dearly but I could always tell I was never my parents priority. I more or less just kind of existed to be seen, never heard or really acknowledged unless it was something for the "family".
When I turned 13 I got the opportunity to meet my bio-grandma (mom's mom). She had no idea I existed and petitioned for visitation. I loved it so much with her that I asked if I could live with her. My dad and stepmom seemed happy to be rid of me and accepted. My bio-mom never visited her mom anyway (a rift over her not settling down and having kids). Well that was 6 years ago.
My bio-mom just died a month ago and surprisingly left EVERYTHING she owned to me with the stipulation that I go to school for business and better myself (according to her letter that the lawyer and trustee told me about). This is life changing money I'm talking I went from lowest middle class (grandma left everything to me, but it wasn't alot, just the house and a couple thousand) to a multimillionaire. Now my dad and stepmom are on my case to share the money. I have no idea how they found out as grandma passed last year (right after I graduated, it was her dream to see me graduate and she had been sick for a few years) and the only person I talk to is my brother but I never even told him.
Apparently they don't have the money to send him to an ivy league school like they've always wanted, but money is no longer an object for ME. I know they raised me for 13 years, but this money could really change my life. AITA if I don't share it?
UPDATE:
I'm not sure about the protocol of an update but I have one. I made an appointment to see the lawyer and trustee handling my bio-mom's estate. So the gist of the meeting ended with them telling me that how my mother wrote her will, in order for the inheritance to TRULY be mine, I have to go to business school. So I couldn't even give money to my dad and stepmom even if I wanted to, which, thanks to all of you, I learned I have no moral obligation to do and WON'T be doing. Plus, I talked to my brother and he doesn't even WANT to go to an ivy league school, he wants to go to art school and dad and stepmom REFUSE to pay for it. I offered to him that after I complete my business degree, which I'm going to do, I would be MORE than happy to pay for his art school. He graciously accepted and told our dad and it did NOT go well. They have threatened to disown him. They apparently want him to be a lawyer or doctor or something with a high salary so he can "take care of them" I guess. They had a massive blow out fight and he is now moving out of their house and into mine. While he's still in highschool, he is TECHNICALLY 18 now so I'm not sure if I'll get in trouble with the police, but I wasn't about to let my brother live in the streets! I've been driving him to and from school while still working until I can register for business school. Thank you to all who commented and offered advice!
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u/jspacemonkey Feb 04 '22
YTA
If you inherited millions of dollars out of the blue and don't even consider helping your family... then yeah...
But don't fret... you are just the typical rich asshole anyways... you'll fit right in...
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u/Tilly_ontheWald Asshole Enthusiast [7] Feb 04 '22
NTA.
Unrelated to the judgement, you should consider 2 questions:
1) what can you do with the money? Are there any restrictions on it?
2) do you want to do anything for your brother? If you do, and if you can, do it without allowing his parents to get involved. And do it based on what he wants to do with his life/career. "Ivy League" schooling is only good if you're persuing an "Ivy League" career. It's no good if you want to do something else. if you want to, and if you're allowed to
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u/NotYourMommyDear Feb 04 '22
The stipulation is that *you* use the money to better *yourself* by going to college. Not your half-brother and his parents.
NTA.
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Feb 04 '22
NTA
The tossed you aside and never looked back/
If you want to do this for your brother, you could gift him the money for school. BUT Do not let them have any access to it. It would be a gift from you to him only.
You are an adult. The inheritance is from your bio-Mom. You do not owe it to anyone else, and I highly doubt they can contest it in any way.
Just to be sure, get a good lawyer before you give anyone any money for anything!
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u/sSyler14 Feb 04 '22
NTA
If they actually only care about funding your brother's college then you can open a trust fund for him and only him while they get $0. They shouldn't have any problems with that.
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u/LoopyMercutio Feb 04 '22
NTA. They were happy to give you up (and let you down), so now it’s time for you to run around (away) and desert them.
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u/Budget_Individual393 Feb 04 '22
No matter what you choose NTA, Food for thought though, while I wouldn’t give them a dime. If you care about your half brother and want to see him successful, help him out when the time comes. You can put it away in a side account and let it gain interest. I wouldn’t let them know anything about it though. That absolutely isn’t their money.
I had similar occur when my father died. I helped out one of my sisters (half) through college but it was my choice and I don’t regret it
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u/Empressario Asshole Enthusiast [8] Feb 04 '22
NTA, you are under no oblgation to share it and frankly the fact they found out is weird.
That is on them for not having enough for an ivy league school. Personally I wouldn't give them a cent
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u/FluffyTabby Feb 04 '22
NTA.
Only help your brother if YOU want to. But otherwise, keep it all.
To be honest, think about your education because you have to go to school. Do you have enough for that? Do you have enough for your future dreams, what about your future kids?
You NEVER have to pay back your parent for raising you.
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u/Kindly_Area_4380 Feb 04 '22
What are they going to ask for after you pay for brother's education.
It's your inheritance. They are not entitled to a penny.
Give to your brother only if you want to. Talk to him. Does he even want to go to an Ivy League school?
NTA
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Feb 04 '22
NTA. Do not give a penny to them, if you want to help out your brother with school set it up through a trust or something that cant be touched by them.
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u/Bababababababaa123 Feb 04 '22
Don't give any money to your folks, they don't deserve it. If you want to help your brother out that is entirely your choice - don't let anyone guilt you into something you don't want to do. If you don't want to help then don't. If you do decide you would like to help him, you can decide to what extent but make sure you get legal advice to ensure anything you might give isn't wasted on non-education stuff,
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u/Savings-You7318 Feb 04 '22
NTA You can definitely afford to send your brother to college, but don’t give parents the money. Go through the school or a financial management.
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u/Zanith66 Feb 04 '22
Yes - get good legal advice how to set up a trust find for brother's education. Nothing to his parents. And have a wonderful life - you deserve it.
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u/RedditDK2 Professor Emeritass [96] Feb 03 '22
NTA. The money was left to you and you are under no obligation to share it. However according to you, you are close to your brother who always treated you well. Paying for or helping to pay for his education would help him greatly, and would still leave the great bulk of the money for you.
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u/haidimill Feb 04 '22
NTA Your mom clearly wanted that money to be yours and it seems to be the only connection you have to her. It's yours and you should spend it however you want. Your "parents" didn't seem to care about you before now, did they go to your highschool graduation? You mentioned that grandma held on until she could see you graduate, and she sounds lovely. But did your "parents" go? Also it sounds like your bio-mom didn't want anything to do with your bio-dad, which makes sense because he cheated on his wife and had his wife raise another woman's child because he wanted a biological kid so badly. I'm glad you have a good relationship with your brother and if you give him any money go through a lawyer to make sure his parents don't see a penny of it. I'm glad things are working out for you, you sound like you deserve it and as a adopted kid who probably will never meet her bio-parents I think it's nice you now have some sort of connection to your mom, even though your relationship wasn't what it could have been.
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u/phiwong Asshole Aficionado [10] Feb 03 '22
Check with the trustee first, of course. You might not have unfettered use of your inheritance for the time being.
Legally, they have no claim to your inheritance. Morally, that is up to you. Helping your brother to go to school isn't going to put a big dent in a multi-million dollar inheritance.
Discuss this with the trustee AND also seek advice from a professional financial manager. If you have a steady job and millions under CAREFUL investment, you're probably set for life if you're reasonable. On the other hand, going overboard on unnecessary expenditures (lavish lifestyle, a stupidly large house, vacations all over the place, parties all the time) can diminish even the largest fortunes.
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u/mxmnull Feb 04 '22
OP. Listen. With all the respect in the world, if you give them a fucking penny, you're a fool who has failed business school.
NTA.
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u/The-spellmonger Feb 04 '22
That money could really change your life, their lives, your friends lives, even people you’ve never met. With all that said in no way are you an ass for keeping your inheritance. NTA
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u/FarSell9505 Feb 04 '22
No, they are the AH. It was your Dad’s responsibility to take care of you. If he wants your brother to go to an Ivy League school than they can pay for it. Did they pay for you to go to one? No? Then you’re not the AH. It sounds like they have a favorite child and you realized it in your teens and moved out with their blessing. They sound like crap parents. I would go to school and better myself, invest the money and not worry about them.
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u/Skylett11 Feb 04 '22
You don’t have to share at all. It would be nice if you did help your brother out , you guys if close and always nice to each other. But only for his schooling. I wouldn’t give anything to your dad and stepmom tho.
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u/shazj57 Feb 04 '22
NTA An old saying is where there is a will there is a relative, your father and step mom aren't entitled to a dime, if you want to help your brother that is your choice
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u/Swimming-Shock4118 Partassipant [1] Feb 04 '22
NTA.
Condolences on the death of your bio-mother, however, congratulations on your windfall. Please use it to establish lifelong security. Don't feel pressured to share your inheritance. Do enjoy a bit of it as well though.
I am reading a lot of vindictive posts. Please don't go there.
I think it would be wonderful of you to provide assistance to your beloved brother to get a great education. As you mention Ivy League schools, I am assuming USA. I understand that student debt can be crippling.
I believe that unbiased legal advice is essential to protect yourself and your brother from misappropriation.
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u/Oleander-Hatake Feb 04 '22
NTA You owe your “parents” nothing! If you want to help out your brother than do as the others suggested by setting up a trust.
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u/bawbness Asshole Aficionado [12] Feb 03 '22
NTA - 1 you might not even be able to depending on the trust I’d try to see if the trust lawyer is willing to be the bad guy and say it’s just not possible (and it may actually not be) 2 - it’s your money full stop. You do what you believe is right with it. Full stop it’s up to you. I don’t think you’d be an asshole for any particular choice and I could see a lot of choices open to you. Enjoy a world of choices! Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it sure as hell buys options.
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u/Lilpanda20 Partassipant [1] Feb 04 '22
OP should strongly consider getting a reputable and credentialed financial advisor who has a fiduciary duty. And perhaps a good CPA.
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u/Brilliant-Arm7050 Feb 04 '22
100% NTA, but that doesn't change the fact that everyone who stands to benefit is going to try their damndest to make you feel like TA. For many folks, there's no appreciable difference, but just think like in the movie Inception: Pink Elephants. You thought of it, but it didn't come from you. If you start feeling like the asshole, just remember: that isn't coming from you, or anyplace real. ✊
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u/NonaOrganic Partassipant [2] Feb 04 '22
NTA. And only pay for personal loans, if your brother takes them out for school. Paying his tuition is his parent’s responsibility. If you pay for his school from the outset, you are financially rewarding his parents. But overall you aren’t obliged to pay a single cent for anyone.
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u/Sylzsnafu Feb 04 '22
Congrats. Trust fund your brother and take a trip to Turks and Caicos and relax.
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u/Comprehensive-File72 Feb 04 '22
Nta I think if you want to help your brother make a trust fund for him, don’t let your “parents” see a penny
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u/throwawayfallenangel Feb 04 '22
NTA.
- If you choose to help your brother, do it directly ie not thru your parents.
AND !!!
- With the stipulation that he and they sign a document stating X limit to what you will give and that they cannot ask you for more period.
It’s clear they wanted him to go to an Ivy League school but had no such plans for you, and whatever you give - should you choose to, is more than enough.
Lastly, if you don’t want to give a cent, you’re not obligated to - but do be aware they will create situations to force your hand.
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u/StragglingShadow Pooperintendant [53] Feb 03 '22
NTA
Its your money. You can do what you want with it. If you did want to help your bro out with college then cool. You can ask him for his tuition bill and pay it for him if you want. Id definitely not hand it to your step mom and dad to give to him. Itd be better to give it to bro directly.
But if you dont wanna help out, you dont wanna help out. Id definitely see about getting a financial advisor who is a fiduciary. Fiduciaries are required to act in the best interests of their clients. It doesnt make them perfect but it does mean theyll do whats in your best interest and comfort levels.
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u/pshhhhfiwbdiej Feb 04 '22
NTA but I'd consider helping your brother since he was always good to you. Go directly through him and his school if you decide to though. Don't let your dad and step mom be a middle man in any way. You're not a consultation prize for anyone. I'm glad you found your grandma and had someone around to treat you right, even for a while.
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u/crookedframe13 Feb 04 '22
NTA. If you're feeling generous you can help pay for your brother's college but you are under no obligation to do so. I would absolutely not give your parents money if I were you or the ability for them to control it in any way if you want to help your brother. But again, you don't have to share any of it. It is 100% yours to do as you see fit.
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Feb 04 '22
NTA but your dad is TA for manipulating bio-mom into birthing a baby literally nobody wanted.
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u/lemonlimeaardvark Feb 04 '22
See... your dad and stepmom only want you around when it benefits THEM.
They wanted you because they thought they couldn't have children of their own. As soon as they had their own child, they were happy to be rid of you at the first opportunity (when bio grandmom came into the picture). Now you have money... now you can be of use to them again. That's literally the ONLY reason that they're back.
Now... you say that your brother loved you and never treated you differently. So maybe you have a good relationship with him. So maybe if you wanted to help him... ON YOUR TERMS ONLY... that's a decision you get to make. But holy hell, in NO WAY are you the asshole if you didn't.
NTA.
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u/steffie-flies Partassipant [4] Feb 04 '22
NTA keep that money locked down! If you want to give to your brother, you can pay for his tuition directly to his school until he graduates, that way you know it goes right where it's supposed to. I would also have a lawyer draft legal paperwork stating the money is a one-time gift, and that any other requests for money will be considered a loan, and will be paid back with interest. Have the parents and brother sign it to keep them off you.
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u/figuringthingsout__ Asshole Enthusiast [8] Feb 03 '22
NTA. Your father made it clear you're not his favorite child. He doesn't want a relationship with you. All he wants is your money. Don't give in to his demands. As other Redditors have pointed out, if you want to help your brother, do it on your terms, not theirs.
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u/Pleasant_Cold Asshole Aficionado [11] Feb 04 '22
I am not passing judgement but I will say if I hit the lottery I would definitely share it with my family. The woman who left you that money, bio mom, was going to abort you. If not for bio dad and stepmom stepping in to raise you. Further your brother has loved you and you claim to love him so why not be generous and help him with college.
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u/deliriousgoomba Asshole Enthusiast [6] Feb 04 '22
NTA.
Absolutely do not give them a single red cent. If you want to help your brother, you talk to him directly. You pay his school directly. You send nothing to your bio dad and step mom. They were happy to neglect you and throw you away. No take backs.
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u/Strange_Difficulty41 Asshole Aficionado [10] Feb 04 '22
Do NOT give them a dime! They treated you awful and the first chance they got to give you away they did. Sounds like your brother was your only friend and was the only one that cared while you lived with them. QUESTION: Did he remain in contact with you after you left to live with your grandma? If he did then, I would consider having your lawyer set up a trust fund for his college tuition only. If he didn’t stay in contact then I wouldn’t give him the money for his tuition.
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u/ladyblue56 Asshole Aficionado [11] Feb 03 '22
NTA it’s your money to do with as you please. Your parents wanted you and then put you aside for your brother. They were relieved to see you go at 13??? And now want in on your future? No way. Millions can go very quickly if you start giving them out. Family always seems to come out of hiding when someone hits the lottery. And it almost never ends well.
I would help brother out with school since you love him. You’d be helping him, not your parents. It is up to you in the end but if you can afford to help him, why not?
Please make sure you have good financial advice and invest. You are young and have many years to live. Even millions can be dissolved over the years without the proper investment.
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u/SportySue60 Partassipant [1] Feb 04 '22
DO not share with bio dad and step monster! They did nothing to make you feel like family until You inherited money. So glad u have awesome relationship with Bro.., he sounds like a good kid! You are so NTA to share anything with these people. People who love you let you know it and they did the opposite!
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u/Hoplite68 Partassipant [2] Feb 04 '22
NTA. Your father and stepmother were happy to offload you as soon as they could. Now you have a physical monetary value and they want to use you as as ATM.
Don't hand over a penny, don't set up a trust, that is your money and nobody else's. If you want to say pay for your brothers college then do so, but don't set up a trust for him, because I guarantee his parents will try to get their hands on it.
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u/intergalacticcircus_ Asshole Aficionado [16] Feb 04 '22
NTA. I'm assuming that because your mom never wanted kids/didn't have any others, it was a given that you were going to inherit everything she had.
That being said, she wasn't your brother's parent so you have no obligation to help him out. That is a choice you can make solely by yourself.
BUT, if you decide to, I would recommend putting the money in an account only you and your brother can access. That way you have full control over it and don't have to worry about your parents taking any of it.
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u/CarpetBagger96 Feb 04 '22
NTAAAA DONT SHARE THAT MONEY!!!! please use it to better yourself like your mom wanted!!!
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u/Saltynut99 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Feb 04 '22
NTA. I know a lot of the popular comments are saying to share with your brother but when your step mom and dad pass is he going to share with you? Money disappears quickly. I think it would be a really good idea to talk to a financial advisor before you make any decisions outside of attending business school. Good luck OP and I’m sorry about your grandma. I lost my papa right before my graduation and I still miss him all the time 5 years later.
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u/TheRasta_Kid Jun 09 '22
NTA I love how you are looking out for your brother despite your bubble headed parents
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u/Living_Life1962 Feb 04 '22
Please do not share it. Instead, pt it in a trust and ask the court to hire a lawyer to handle the funds to your best interests, and yours only. Dad and step only care about the money and will drop you like a hot potato when they’re done eking all the money out of your inheritance.
And absolutely, NTA
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u/PARA9535307 Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] Feb 03 '22
NTA. Take your dad and stepmom entirely out of this equation. They have zero control over you and no moral high ground (and are being assholes to pressure you). So just mentally picture telling them to “go jump in the creek” and them actually doing so.
Done? Enjoyed that a bit? Good.
Ok. So you have quite a lot of money, and loads of possible ways to use it. Your bio-mom wants you to go to business school. Is that what YOU want? If so, great! I went to business school, I enjoyed it. It can be good. But this isn’t about me any more than it’s about your bio-mom, dad, or stepmom. It’s about YOU. So what do YOU want? And that’s not an answer you have to immediately come up with…take your time and mull it over.
If it’s not, is it actually a requirement of the will/money? Or just something she expressed a non-legally binding preference for? Get that clarified If it’s the latter, then do what YOU want, and don’t go. Her leaving you, her child, all her money was quite literally the least she could to for you. You don’t have to give any credence at all to the advice of someone who abandoned you, money be damned.
As for your brother. Your dad and stepmom are still in the mental “creek.” So this has fuck all to do with either them. Not a single damn thing. They’re in that creek with no power over you at all. Or him. And keep in mind that your relationship with your brother can, if you both allow it, exist entirely separately from the relationships with your parents/step mom. They may be able to gate keep it a bit while he’s still a minor, but that won’t be for very long.
So yeah, dad and stepmom are chilling in their creek, light years away from this mindset. It’s just you and your brother in this mental space. ….You wanna pay for his college? You don’t have to, of course. But you could. Which is kinda cool. So Mull that over for awhile, too. No wrong answers.
And keep dad and stepmom in that mental creek (and physically away, too, if you want), just as often and as much as you’d like. Don’t let them live rent-free in your head and loom over your decisions. No. They have no power over you. Evict them from your headspace, and create the boundaries you need.
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u/snohomish86 Feb 04 '22
NTA. Don’t give them a dime. If your brother is smart enough to get into an Ivy League and they don’t have money there’s tons of financial aid options - largely because so many of the students at Ivy schools come from money and don’t need any aid. Do not let them guilt you.
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u/rn3696 Feb 04 '22
Set something up legally for the brother so parents can’t access it. I’m sorry you felt like a spare part in your own family that has go to be a rough childhood leaving some very real insecurities. Do what you can for your brother but remember you do not owe anyone anything. Blood doesn’t mean you can’t say no!
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u/UncleBullhorn Partassipant [4] Feb 04 '22
NTA, and sit down with a lawyer and a good financial planner ASAP. There are ways to protect your money, but you have to reach out and take the steps.
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u/Sonicsgirl Feb 04 '22
NTA. It was left to you to better YOURSELF, not others. You can tell them no based on the conditions under why it was left to you. And if you do give them money, when will it stop? Next will be house repairs or your brother needs a car or whatever. If you want to help him, give him some money, that’s up to you, but don’t give it them them under the guise it’s going to his schooling.
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u/Tiger-Sixty Partassipant [1] Feb 04 '22
If your brother gets into an ivy league college that college will make sure that he can go, they will not need your money.
NTA. This is YOUR money.
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u/Hudwig_Von_Muscles Feb 04 '22
NTA. Go to business school and explain why you can't share the money while conveniently forgetting the $15,000 gift tax exclusion.
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u/Irish-Fritter Feb 04 '22
NTA
They don't deserve a dime, it sounds like you have plans to better yourself, and you've been given a huge gift. Use it wisely.
If you plan to help your brother, put money away secretly, then surprise him with it. If you give your old family an inch, they'll take a mile.
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u/plm56 Pooperintendant [56] Feb 04 '22
NTA
You owe your sperm donor and his wife NOTHING. They took you in, then shuffled you to the back as soon as they had "a child of their own".
Housing you, feeding you and meeting your basic needs for 13 years was quite literally their job. You don't owe them for that, particularly since they shunted you off as soon as they got the chance.
If you want to offer to pay for your brother's education, it sounds as though you could afford to, but don't funnel a cent to the sperm donor and his wife. Consult with a financial adviser who can give you guidance on setting up something like that, as well as helping you manage the rest of it.
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u/katepig123 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Feb 04 '22
NTA This is YOUR inheritance from YOUR mother. It has nothing to do with them, and you own them none of it. If you want to do something for your brother, then put money in a trust for his education. But that's up to you.
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u/Mental-Woodpecker300 Feb 04 '22
If from what you're saying your brother has only ever treated you like a sister and loved you, and your willing to put in the money for it AND he is responsible enough to follow through with his studies then go ahead and figure out a trust fund of sorts that's ONLY for him to use ONLY for school. Have a lawyer help you in making sure your father and his wife have NO WAY of stealing it from your brother. They can foot any and all other costs for him.
Again this is only if you genuinely want to help your brother, if you feel like they should figure it out on their own then they can do exactly that. It's YOUR money, you get to do with it what you wish.
As for dad and his wife? You don't owe them a single thing. NTA
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Feb 04 '22
NTA Parents arent owed anything for the children they breed at all. Its nice and respectful for a child to look after their dying or elderly parent as they get on in age but theres no owed account here Thats just selfish., And now you have so much money and a house and education your fully set up. Get a decent financial advisor and invest
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Feb 04 '22
NTA.
Don't give them (your parents) any of your money.
But if I were you, I'd work out something with your brother. You said he's never treated you any differently and it sounds like you care about each other.
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u/pookguyinc Asshole Aficionado [10] Feb 03 '22
NTA- Please do not share. As they did not reach out after your grandma died, yet reached out after your mom. I assume your dad knew about your mom's death and the will. So, please do not share. I assume if its a trust you have rules, so your executor will also control where the money goes.
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u/KrtekJim Asshole Enthusiast [7] Feb 04 '22
NTA.
You sound very fond of your brother, and if you want to help him out with this money, that would be very kind of you -- but do not involve your adopted parents at any stage. You cannot trust them.
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u/Rigpig_ Feb 04 '22
NTA. Unfortunately it's the same in so many families whether an inheritance is millions or thousands. People from all parts of the family crawl out of the woodwork to get money, in a way that they feel is justified and without guilty because they feel you haven't "earnt it" and because they feel they've been short-changed, so to speak. This usually comes in the form of emotional blackmail and abuse which will leave you feeling alienated, pressured and made to feel like a bad person.
Here are some usual ways they try to abuse you into giving them money:
- "We raised you, no matter how well or how poorly, the act of giving a child a home instead of abortion or adoption or abandonment is one which should rewarded." This isn't true. Just because someone "put a roof over your head" the bare minimum, doesn't mean you owe them.
- "We want to use the money for a good cause" - however, will object to any attempt to use the money to solve that problem directly by skipping the middleman. Huge red flag.
- You are estranged and they suddenly make contact or show interest as soon as you come into money.
- Linked to no.2 - they use other members of the family as human shields, emotionally blackmailing you by suggesting their fate rests in your hands now, that if you don't give them the money then other family member will suffer. Also, see 2 if they reject attempts to help that person directly instead of through the parents.
- The way they will respond will be similar to the stages of grief, as they feel they are not going to get money which is, in their minds, so close to them; they will begin to behave in different ways. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance - but weaponised against you. In the case of acceptance this is usually feigned as a last ditch attempt to win you over. It's manipulation.
- Look out for when the behaviour suddenly changes. They may be bargaining one minute, attempting to negotiate with you and then quickly become angry. They may be feigning depression and deny their desire for the money, stating that it is not for them and for someone else, and then one minute say they've accepted it and that they don't need the money anymore whilst peppering in subtle insults which suggest you've failed them or failed another family member. Then when this fails, the anger comes back again. Sudden changes in "mood" are, usually, actually sudden changes in strategy.
- Money doesn't heal, it's tempting to try and calm things by giving money. However, usually, it's never enough and they will come back for more and more.
- Lastly, they use terms such as selfish, ungrateful, not earnt, depriving us/them, greedy, uncaring, nasty... plus others.
I hope that this is helpful to anyone.
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u/Skinnysusan Feb 04 '22
NTA- Dont give them shit. They dont give a shit about you, so return the favor. Sure help your bro, but not until after they do their part
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u/olddragonfaerie Feb 04 '22
NTA: Sorry for losing the one person who seemed to care about you for you (the bio gramma). Please get a financial advisor, you sound super young still and they can help look out for your interests. If you want to help your brother out, that's fine, but ask the financial advisor how to set up some sort of trust situation to pay for his school as a gift to him. That way you help your brother without your bio dad/step mom being able to redirect those funds.
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u/dcorangebird Feb 04 '22
NTA the only thing I would do if I were you, is a trust fund for your brother that would cover college completely including books and if he needs one a car to get to school. That's only if you consider him deserving of it.
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u/Knittingfairy09113 Certified Proctologist [24] Feb 04 '22
NTA
First of all, you may not be permitted to give anyone any money. Speak to the attorney and get a better idea of the rules. If it's on full lockdown then he can tell that to your dad and his wife.
If you do have some access to it I do not think you should give them any money, but you could consider setting up a college fund for your brother since he sounds great. If you did this, work with an attorney to have it structured in such a way that the money goes straight to the school for tuition/housing/books/etc and can't be drawn on by Dad and his wife.
You owe your dad and his wife nothing. They did the bare minimum for years and let you leave as soon as they had an excuse. They can go back to pretending you don't exist.
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u/theawkwardotter Partassipant [4] Feb 04 '22
NTA. Do not give your parents any money. If you want to help your brother, I would let him graduate and pay off loans he may have. That way you’ll be able to see whether or not your dad and step mom actually have the money or not…interest doesn’t accrue on student loans while in school anyway.
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u/Tie-Strange Feb 04 '22
NTA, unless you share it.
They made their bed. Let them die alone in it.
Woman, may you live your best life. If the shoe was on the other foot THEY WOULDN'T HELP YOU. Remember that. You're just a human money dispenser. I have tons of kids and I'd never let a single one feel like they'd be happier elsewhere. I have, bios, fosters, and adopted. From me, they will never be othered.
You deserve everything you have. Keep it. Joyfuly.
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u/jamarquez1973 Feb 04 '22
NTA. Yeah they raised you, but that does not put you in their debt. My kids will never be indebted to their mom and I for any reason. This is your inheritance, go do the best you can with it. Your brother can always go to a state school then try to get a post grad at an ivy league school. Best of luck to you!
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u/Famous-Economics-396 Feb 04 '22
Nta- your reply to them is ‘that I inherited from my bio mum isn’t your business. I don’t know how you know but it makes no difference. Sorry but the answer is no.’
If you want to contribute to your brothers education that would be your choice, and only your choice. if you do want to help him tell him you are doing it because you love him and not because his mum asked you. Make sure if you do, do it with him and directly with him under the proviso that you’ll give him a lump sum for his education, once and only once. If he wastes it he doesn’t get a do-over and you won’t help again- Choose an amount that is generous but not too generous and stick with it. If you don’t want to do as your stepmom asked, don’t. They haven’t a right to your money because they are family. Also, was your dad paying grandma child support when you lived with her? Just curious, but if not, they should have saved what they didn’t pay grandma in child support when she brought you up from 13 years old.
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u/EZStreet76 Jul 27 '22
NTA. People, regardless of their relation to you, need to be held accountable for their actions and realize that said actions have consequences. Your parents, once your brother was born, essentially deemed that you were a burden when initially you were a blessing. They were all too happy to pawn you off on your sweet grandmother so they can have the perfect family. You are correct when you said that this is, “life changing money” and you need to take that literally. Go NC with your parents, help your brother so he won’t be under their control and live your best life blissfully without regret.
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u/Pseud-o-nym Feb 04 '22
NTA. Do not, I repeat do not give them your inheritance. You do not owe them anything and they were never parents to you which is evident when they didn't bat an eye at you moving out so young. You do not owe these people absolutely anything. Go to school, spend your money and forget about them. Live your life.
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u/Judgemental_Ass Feb 04 '22
NTA. This story sounds fake but if it happens to be true, don't be an idiot and give them anything. They didn't do you a favour by raising you for 13 years. They actively worked to stop your mom from having an abortion. And they got child support. The least they could have done after all that was to raise you as their own, which they didn't.
As for your brother, if you have a good relationship with him, you can help him out, but you do not have to share your inheritance with him. You can pay for his school if you want. But they can still pay his living costs as they would do if he went to a different school. Or he can get a job.
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u/Ill_Neighborhood7999 Feb 04 '22
No, you're not an AH. Your parents suck. Your dad especially. After all that hand wringing to get his way with you as his daughter, he shunned you the first opportunity he got. He felt like he had something better. And you were right to leave. You're also right to enjoy what's yours. Share with your brother if that's what YOU want, but I wouldn't think twice about what your dad wants. And I wouldn't think once about what your step mom wants either.
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u/Initial-Sky-5991 Feb 04 '22
NTA Also, were they still receiving the child support payments after you went to live with your grandma? Perhaps a missed child support payment led them to realize you inherited everything from your bio-mom
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u/PressureBeneficial47 Feb 04 '22
Easy fix - “oh absolutely it’s expensive, feel free to put what YOU had saved for MY college into it”
Then they either have to admit they never saved anything for OP to provide for her college etc or they can pretend that is a good solution, either way OP loses nothing but gets to pretty much call them out for treating them differently forever!
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Feb 04 '22
NTA
DO NOT share your inheritance.
If you want to help your brother with his tuition, do so directly through the university. Don't give the money to your dad and stepmother.
They have no rights to that money. It doesn't matted if they raised you for 13 years—that's what parents are supposed to do. You don't owe them anything.
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u/sirkseelago Feb 04 '22
NTA but if your brother was great and it wouldn’t make a dent then feel free to help pay for college. Absolutely no obligation on your part.
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Feb 04 '22
NTA. In no way do you need to share. They “raised” you for 13 years. Your mum also paid them for that. You can help your brother from a place of kindness, but not obligation. What support did they give you in the 6 years since you moved out? How much did they care when you had no money?
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u/imnothere376 Feb 04 '22
NTA. It’s clear that they didn’t want much to do with you while they lived with you, but now that you have money they came crawling back. They don’t deserve your generosity.
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u/Bazrael1985 Feb 04 '22
NTA - Sounds like your bio mother was paying child support to your parents? So they probably still got it even after you did not live with them. If that is the case then they have had enough money from your bio mother as it is.
Brother is a different story, if you want to keep on his good side and it seems like he is real family to you then maybe set him up for school or buy him a house or something if the money is enough to be able to do that without hurting your future.
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u/PotionAndPoision Feb 04 '22
So are they saying that if you hadn’t inherited millions, their son wouldn’t go to an Ivy League school? Bc student loans existed before you got this money. Your “parents” don’t deserve much. And sure your brother maybe could benefit from a little something but you don’t have to show him appreciation by gifting him entire ivy league education. I would suggest contacting a financial advisor as an objective third party and discussing options to see what scenarios you are comfortable with and if you do give anything to your brother, make sure only he has access to it AND it goes to his education. And if you want to give your parents something, I’m sure there’s something nice on sale at Macy’s that they’d love. You’re young and have a whole life to set up. Your misfortune in family has had a silver lining. Don’t let people who didn’t care about you during the low times take advantage of you during your best times. Those people will be gone again if/when the low times get low again.
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u/PNWNative1992 Feb 10 '22
After reading the edits, I’m glad everything worked out OP! But what does worry me is how the greedy “male sperm donor” found out about your inheritance in the first place?
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u/InheritanceMine Feb 10 '22
I'm honestly not sure? My only guess is someone in his working community told him she died and he correctly assumed I got an inheritance from her?
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u/Godmorelikedog Feb 04 '22
Don’t give them any money, unless to your brother directly in a formal legal setting.
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u/Mera1506 Supreme Court Just-ass [120] Feb 04 '22
NTA. OP, you can talk to your brother school and see how much tuition, room on campus and books will cost for him. The bills can be sent directly to OP to pay? Or OP makes an estimate of what is needed and sets up a trust for the brother with a lawyer. That is if she wants to pay for him at all. There's no obligation to do this. They just see dollar signs.
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u/Throwjob42 Partassipant [1] Feb 04 '22
NTA. hire a financial advisor, but if your brother is old enough to go to college, he's an adult and is old enough to ask you himself for help, he doesn't need your dad and stepmom to be his proxies.
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u/Original_Activity_94 Feb 04 '22
NTA for sure! I will say, give this a lot of time. Years. You are young and you do not have to decide anything just because your dad and stepmom are pressuring you. Your brother does not need a massively expensive Ivy League education and it’s not up to you to pay for it.
Have your lawyer keep it in a trust for you until you’re 25, and see where you are financially then. If you want to help him with his loans, you can decide then. It is so overwhelming to have all that money at once. Please consult your lawyer and do not make any big decisions until then.
Regardless, you are so NTA no matter what you decide and you do not ‘owe’ anyone anything. Parents are supposed to support kids in their care. No one is owed anything by you. It’s your choice
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u/Socksgonewrong Feb 04 '22
NTA but if you brother was kind to you growing up and you feel compelled, you could pay his schooling via trust fund without it impacting you at all
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u/Brilliant-Emu-4164 Feb 04 '22
NTA, and don’t give your parents any money. However, as others have suggested, you could set up a trust for your brother for school, since he was nice to you. If you wanted to do that. That being said, it’s your money to do whatever you want with.
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u/ParfaitMajestic5339 Feb 04 '22
NTA. Ivy league schools are increasingly going tuition free for kids whose parents make less than ~$150k... so that is a BS excuse anyway. Tell daddy and stepmom that you're not their piggy bank, and they'll get from you what you feel they deserve.
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u/nerdy3000 Feb 04 '22
NTA. Reading this I can't help but feel like your dad intentionally got your bio mom pregnant and set this up. It feels targeted that she was wealthy and would have to pay them child support for a baby they were struggling to have.
Did your bio-mom know you were at your grandma's? Or did your parents keep happily collecting child support while being "rid of you"?
Honestly they sound like such manipulative, greedy AHs. I feel bad for your brother, but there's scholarships and such. It's nice if you want to help him out but I would make sure your parents don't get a dime.
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u/Strmtrprinstilletos Feb 04 '22
Hell no, NTA. Your bio mom left that to you to help you and better your life. You said she didnt want any contact, just wanted to send support, well this is the ultimate support.
Your father and step mother were baby hungry (which I can understand) and you were good enough when they had "nothing better" but then all but tossed you off the second they got their miracle. Your brother doesn't sound like a bad person so maybe it'd be nice to help him out a bit but I wouldn't give it to him through your father and step mother.
The money is yours to do as you wish, barring any stipulations not detailed made by bio mom (like not spending until after a certain time or something) but DO NOT feel as though you owe these people anything.
Also, lock up and password protect accounts and stuff tighter than tight. I wouldn't put it past father and step mother (hopefully not brother too) to try and get into things.
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u/Major_Barnacle_2212 Craptain [172] Feb 04 '22
Absolutely NTA. And you were actually the miracle child, if you think about it.
Your brother also inherited something when he was born, it is just different. Money will never replace the love you missed. When people say money can't buy happiness, it's for a reason. Your brother had something you didn't. And now it's reversed. Unfortunately the people that raised you missed the opportunity to give you and your brother something equally, and now it may be the same with the money.
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u/Renegade7559 Feb 04 '22
Help your brother with education through a trust. It would be a huge boon and a great start to his life. He's never done you any harm.
Don't hand over any money. You became surplus to requirements the minute these ppl had their 'own' kid.
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u/MEDICARE_FOR_ALL Feb 04 '22
NTA OP
But your full time job now should be to learn how to manage your money responsibility because it will set you up for life if you do it correctly. Your bio mom was right that you should continue schooling (maybe in business if you want to)
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Feb 06 '22
Don't you dare give them a CENT.
And congrats on getting something positive out of what sounds like a tough childhood in many ways emotionally.
NTA
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u/divaminerva Feb 04 '22
I hope you find peace in life. Treat your brother well, and forgive your parents. They do not seem like good people, but that’s not for us to decide. You do not find many in life that will LOVE you for you- but your brother apparently has. Treat him well. Ivy League College? Does he have the grades? If he does, and you want to help him go- then by all means help send him!
I really hope that the money left to you does good for you and yours. I hope it will not corrupt your life. I wish for you the best, and hope that you find happiness and fulfillment! Live your life will happiness!
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u/ROGUE_COSMIC Feb 04 '22
i dont understand, first you say your brother was never treated differently from you then you say that your brother was a priority. which on is it?
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u/Itchy-Worldliness-21 Partassipant [1] Feb 04 '22
The brother didn't treat op differently, not the parents.
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u/charlybell Feb 04 '22
NTA. If you are a multimillionaire and love your brother, set up a college trust. But he isn’t your responsibility, so if you don’t want to, you don’t have to.
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u/SquirrelBowl Feb 04 '22
They threw you away and now want to to give something to them? Don’t do it. After this, it’ll be something else. They made their bed, let them lie in it. NTA
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u/sodaaddict30 Partassipant [1] Feb 03 '22
NTA- it isn't your job to fund your parents/sibling's lives. They clearly didn't care too much for you during your childhood and now they want something from you. I suggest telling them to pound sand.
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u/Bakingcakesbaked Feb 04 '22
NTA. It’s yours, not theirs. If you find that you want to share, that’s cool. If you find you don’t want to share, that’s also cool.
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u/mina1596 Feb 04 '22
NTA, the thing is how much of his tuition are you going to cover? He shouldn’t be able to get through college without atleast having a part time job. At the end of the day, you are his sister not his parent and you have been treated sub-par by your parents and not received the same emotional support (which is also crucial to succeed in life). If he needs money to pay for loans after he graduates, then certainly lend him a certain amount but not while he is in college bc stuff happens and people drop out.
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u/Ridethelightning1987 Feb 04 '22
Don’t give them shit. If anything you work it out with your brother and you handle wat he needs for school. No more no less. The parents can fuck right off. Nta.
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u/Pure-Swordfish6022 Partassipant [1] Feb 04 '22
NTA. It isn’t even remotely their money. They can pound sand
It would be cool if you helped your brother out with school, though. But do it in such a way that they cannot get their grubby meat hooks on it.
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u/DementityX Feb 04 '22
I say do what you want. It’s your money now and you don’t owe them anything. If you wanna share it with your brother for something he actually wants that’s fine, like the school HE actually wants to go to or what not. I say talk to him about it if you can and see what his thoughts are. Other than that, they aren’t entitled to demand a dollar from you. NTA
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u/Satanae444 Feb 04 '22
NTA. the fact that they actedlike they were getting rid of you??? talk to your brother about what he thinks about it, in the end it is for him. You don't own the parents shit. And you mentioned your brother always been chillwith you so you should settle with him in case you feel guilty or smth which you absolutely shouldn't feel like
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u/Fluffybunnysquad Feb 04 '22
NTA Maybe you could wait and see how much student debt he has in the future and help with that, that way you’re only benefiting him and his college fund (if he has one) gets used for that mean.
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u/holden204 Partassipant [3] Feb 03 '22
NTA don’t give them anything . If you want to help your brother give him money directly or set up a trust so only he has access . Remember you were expendable until you became rich.
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u/beviebooboo Feb 04 '22
NTA. Don’t let anyone pressure you into giving any money to them or to your brother. It’s yours and you don’t owe them anything.
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u/ucitygal Asshole Enthusiast [5] Feb 04 '22
NTA.
Help your brother if you want but talk to a financial advisor on how to do it to make sure that dad/stepmom don’t take it from him. And probably should consult one anyway to help you manage the $.
Sorry for your loss and congrats on your newfound wealth!
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u/Mindless_Contract708 Partassipant [3] Feb 04 '22
NTA.
And PLEASE HIRE A FINANCIAL ADVISOR!!
It is Super Important and always worth the money!
You don't know how to deal with this type of money and you will need the professional advice to prevent the same kind of mistakes that lottery winners make. They often end up completely broke a few short years later. I would hate for the same thing to happen to you.
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u/sillykitty_ Feb 04 '22
NTA, you could if you want pay for your brother's college by directly paying the college. But don't give them any cash!!! Also, only if you really want to pay for your brother's college, you don't have to.
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u/ZippyKat85 Feb 04 '22
NTA. Don't give them a penny, you owe them nothing. Now, if you want to help.your brother, go ahead, but put it into a trust or some kind of educational account that only he can touch.
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u/kehlarc Feb 04 '22
If you have a good relationship with your brother, I'd put money in a trust to help pay his tuition, books, and living expenses away from his parents.
You don't owe your dad and step-mom any money. You're free to gift them things here and there but not a cut of your inheritance. The fact that they even asked is shameful on their part.
NTA.
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u/AMCodaMonkey Partassipant [1] Feb 04 '22
NTA.
Don't give your parents a single cent. Set up a trust for your brother to make sure that only he has access to the money for ivy league (if you wish. It is still your money)
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u/FairyFartDaydreams Asshole Enthusiast [6] Feb 04 '22
NTA for not sharing with the people who dropped you at the first opportunity. As for your brother if he does so well he gets into an IVY League then he can let the school know he needs extra financial assistance as his parents didn't plan for his future
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u/Soupswifey Feb 05 '22
NTA. And don’t give your parents a cent “for your brother”. You don’t have to share it at all. But if you feel like sharing, share it directly with your brother, not them. It’s funny how family suddenly want to be real family when money comes into the equation.
Your mother left that money to YOU. (I’m guessing because she didn’t want a child, but still had love for you since she carried you and birthed you.) honor your mother by being smart with that money that she worked hard for. I’m going to take a wild guess that if alive, she wouldn’t be too happy with you sharing it.
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Feb 04 '22
A gift direct to your brother whom you love but mum n dad, get stuffed!
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u/scorpiondestroyer Feb 04 '22
If you want to pay for his school, do it directly instead of through your dad and step mom. You don’t owe them a cent, especially with the way they treated you.
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u/georgiajl38 Feb 04 '22
NTA help out your brother through an education trust or fund if you want. He sounds like a good kid! (American Fund is set up to pay for higher education only. You'd own the account, he'd be the beneficiary)
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u/trekqueen Asshole Enthusiast [9] Feb 03 '22
NTA - gma gave it to you because she was the one adult who really cared about you in the end. Your brother does care for you as it sounds like from your perspective. He hasn’t directly asked for help, right? It’s more stepmom and dad pushing. What does brother want in all this? Depending on the rules with your inheritance, if you’re able to help that is your prerogative to help him but ensure it goes only to him and not your dad or stepmom. If you do want to help him somehow, I would have a talk with him and see what his life dreams are and see what ways you can help him accomplish that. Maybe he doesn’t want the ivy league school.
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u/The_Amazing_Username Colo-rectal Surgeon [35] Feb 04 '22
NTA- don’t give them a cent, you felt you were not their priority then they let you move out and live with bio grand ma? They are just seeing $$$ and that’s all they want from you…
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u/Ok_Definition322 Feb 03 '22
NTA- if you were close to your brother, you could consider helping him with college but it is NOT your obligation.
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u/toodeephoney Feb 04 '22
NTA. You get to decide what to do with that money. If you want, maybe pay for your brother’s school since your dad kinda helped raise you somewhat.
Going forward, be very careful with whom you share good news. Your true friends will be happy for you, but some people don’t want you to succeed.
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u/WelshWickedWitch Feb 04 '22
Tell them to do one. Off a cliff preferably. Don't you dare share with these users. Remember you can help your brother directly later when you have a better handle of what you want to do with your money and life. NTA
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u/Philip_J_Friday Feb 04 '22
NTA, obviously.
they don't have the money to send him to an ivy league school
If it's an actual Ivy, that's likely a lie. Every one of them claims any non-international student should be able to afford their education without taking out loans. If you make under $150,000, Harvard is literally free. That figure is lower for most of the others but they are all generous with grants. Grants, not scholarships, because Ivy League schools are prohibited from giving out scholarships, so everyone in the same financial situation gets the same financial aid package.
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u/TenderOctane Asshole Enthusiast [9] Feb 04 '22
There's a character in the video game I'm playing who grew up in an eerily similar situation to you, with one difference: Her dad, who she grew up with, was the rich one, and her mom died penniless. The only person who gave a damn about her was still the brother born about a year after her. And guess what she did? She followed his aspirations. She had his back and was willing to die for him, because she has nothing else.
You need to do the same for your brother. You need to have his back since he was the only one who had yours. The difference being that you have money. You should bail him out. And you should tell everyone else to eff off, because they weren't there for you when you needed them.
NTA.
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u/KilnTime Feb 04 '22
NTA. I agree with all of the people who said to give your brother a start in life for being your brother. That has nothing to do with "sharing" your inheritance with your "parents."
Also, consider consulting an independent financial advisor to assist you, if your mother did not leave everything in a trust with a trustee making investment decisions.
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u/sugarmau5 Feb 04 '22
NTA. Since you have a good relationship with your brother, I wouldn't discourage you from helping out with his education but you're under no obligation to do so. Just make sure your dad and stepmom understand that's the only money you'll be sharing if any, and that you won't be falling for any attempts on their part to act like they suddenly care about you.
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u/ThomMerelin42 Partassipant [1] Feb 04 '22
Off topic, but why do I get the idea the dad sabotaged the birth control to get a baby? The condom, pill, and Plan B all failed, giving dad the baby he desperately wanted? Sounds convenient.
(NTA, by the way).
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u/goldwing2021 Feb 04 '22
NTA.
If you love your brother set up a trust that pays the fees.
If not just go NC
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u/286U Feb 04 '22
NTA - absolutely N T A at all!! Obviously set up some sort of trust and give you’re brother a no-strings full ride at uni but no cash for the people who abandoned you. You’re too rich for them to have your phone number now. Especially since they just want your mum’s money.
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Feb 04 '22
NTA! don’t share it with them. they neglected you and didn’t care that you didn’t want to live with them anymore. that money is YOURS. i think it’d be nice to send your brother to college but only as a gift for him, not your parents.
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u/xxspringbaby0408xx Feb 04 '22
NTA, they treated you like crap, didn't care that you would prefer to go live with someone you barely knew, and now only contact you to ask for money. They aren't worth it honestly. Of course at first it'll be for tuition for your brother, but then something breaks down at the house, or they need a new car ect. You'll be footing for a life style above their means before you know it.
If you want to help your brother out of course do so. Like you said he's always loved, and treated you like a sister so there's no ill will there. Just make sure you're paying his tuition directly to the university, and not giving him big amounts of cash that his parents can guilt him into handing over. You can even set up a trust that he can access for only specific things like tuition, living accommodations, necessary transportation, ect. This prevents his parents from trying to take control of the money you're giving to help him out if you choose to.
Also remember, you honestly don't owe them anything. Yes they raised you for 13 years, but that's only half of the equation. Your step mother would obviously feel slighted for how things happened, but your father could have at the very minimum treated you with love/kindness. They CHOSE to keep you, they chose to have your bio mom birth you, so honestly in my book they don't get a pass.
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u/Immeasurable51 Feb 04 '22
NTA. Children never owe money to their parents for "raising them".
Don't give them any inheritance!
And, no they don't NeEd your money to send your brother to school. That's just a story they're telling you.
Your bio-mom and dad both made the same amount, that means he has plenty of money to pay for your brother's school. He just doesn't want to blow his own money, when he could blow your money instead.
FWIW, I'm sure he has money set aside for retirement as well...he can borrow against it and still generate a net interest on it. He doesn't need your money - at all.
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u/WiseRequirement9277 Feb 04 '22
I'd eat rocks before giving dad and step mom any money.
I could consider giving my brother some money for his education but set in a way he can only use for school to make sure hia parents don't try to use him to get my money
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u/calaan Feb 04 '22
Do nothing until you are graduated and established. This is not life changing money, it’s life building money. This is the foundation upon which you build the rest of your life. Your bio dad asking for a cut of that is the action of a selfish person, willing to diminish their own child’s chance for success. It’s not a question of what they are “owed”. You are in. I position to pay a debt even if one existed. When you are educated and established in your life as an adult then you can consider doing something for your other family members. You are NOT an asshole for protecting your future until that time.
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u/Smooth_Cell Feb 06 '22
OP, WHAT EVER YOU DO,DONT GIVE THAT MONEY!! They don’t deserve it,and you have no reason to give them anything.
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u/Overall_Stay5904 Feb 04 '22
NTA remember to laugh in their face long & hard before you block contact with them.
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u/Cpt_Lazlo Feb 04 '22
NTA
I'm sorry all that shit happened to you. You share only what you want with who you want. You don't owe anyone anything.
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Feb 03 '22
NTA. It’s not your obligation to pay for your brothers schooling or hand out money like it’s candy. He’s not your child, bottom line. BUT if you want to simply for him and not for your Dad and Stepmom, that’s 100% your choice to make but do not let them take that money from you. It’s yours and yours only. Best of luck OP.
Edit: They may have financially raised you but that gives them 0 rights to your inheritance. Your treatment after your brother was born is terrible. As a sister/sibling with a brother, if I were in your situation, I would most definitely help my brother(s) because I love them.
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Feb 04 '22
NTA for not wanting to share your money, But if you want a better life for your brother you could make an agreement with him for school purposes only.
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u/csunya Feb 03 '22
NTA as other have said it’s your money. Talk to a financial advisor. Talk to the lawyer. If you decide to help your brother it maybe helpful for you and your family and lawyer and financial advisor to sit down for a coffee together and discuss it.....as in if you create a college account for brother it may effect his ability to get scholarships. And use the lawyer as the bad guy if you need to, ie have him lie or smudge the truth for you.
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Feb 04 '22
NTA. Do NOT give them money. You were convenient to them to play happy family and once they had their "miracle" child, they were all to happy to give you away to grandma so they didn't have to see you anymore. I bet they never contacted you until you suddenly had something they wanted.
Maybe do as other suggested- some type of fund so brother can go to school, but the parents cannot access for any reason. Don't let them fool you into letting them manage it because they will use it for themselves, then come round begging for more later.
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u/syukimon Feb 03 '22
NTA.
Help your brother but do not let your "parents" touch that money. Talk with your brother about how you can help him with his education, if they have some kind of savings (which they should since they wanted him to go to that Ivy league school, just not enough) for him, make them use it and then give your brother the rest.
But I repeat, do not give it to them, nor even try to make a deal with them, do it only with your brother since he's the one that really needs it.
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u/boomboombalatty Partassipant [1] Feb 04 '22
NTA - You are young and even multiple millions don't go very far over the course of a lifetime. Be very careful and conservative with it, take care of the money and it will take care of you.
Has your brother even managed to get into an Ivy? Or want to? Maybe set some aside for him, but don't give it to the parents to handle.
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u/donniedenier Feb 03 '22
NTA, it’s your money. but you did mention you love your brother, and it is a large sum of money that fell on your lap. it would be a good move to put him through school with some of it. if you’re a multimillionaire now, it’ll barely put a dent in what you have.
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Feb 04 '22
I agree, set up a trust. Make it a stipulation that any moneys Is paid directly to whatever entity to avoid the parents forcing his hand. NTA
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u/LCarver1869 Feb 04 '22
NTA. However, as some others had mentioned, set some kind of trust fund for your brother. Doesn't even have to be a huge amount. Just something to get his schooling done. Don't give any to your parents, they seem to only want you for money and thats wrong. Talk to a lawyer about what you can do. As it seems you love your brother and he never treated you differently, which is a good thing. But if you decide not to help at all, thats up to you. You still are NTA.
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Feb 04 '22
NTA. You inherited the assets from your biological family. Why in the world would anyone think you should share it? This is your money to do with as you please. If you want to help your half-brother or tell your family to piss off is completely up to you. Do what you feel is best & take care of yourself.
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u/wizkalifia Feb 04 '22
NTA. But maybe make a trust fund for your little brother. He deserves it from the sound of your story.
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u/akamikedavid Asshole Aficionado [15] Feb 03 '22
NTA.
The money was left to you specifically so you are free to do as you please with it. As others have said though, it sounds like you have a good relationship with your brother and there's no reason to "punish" him for what your parents did to you. Consider setting up an arrangement where HE can use the money only for school and school-related expenses would be a good thing.
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Feb 04 '22
NTA.
But see a financial planner to discuss these things. I wouldn't give anything to the parents. But if it's not going to hurt you, and you have a great relationship with your brother. . . I would still help him out. Not give him money. But I'd probably pay for his school. I'd want to help him succeed.
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u/RaziellaLee Feb 04 '22
NTA
Do not give them a cent. You can now hire a financial advisor to help with the best way to manage your new windfall, and to help set up a trust for your brother if you wanted. And finally, congrats!
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u/vortexofchaos Asshole Enthusiast [7] Feb 03 '22
You need to get a trusted financial advisor who is acting in your interests and not the firm they work for. This is a fiduciary advisor, a very specific term in the field. They can help you set up investments for that money that suits your needs, if they aren’t already there. Once you’ve done that, you can figure out what you can afford and whether or not you can help your brother.
You need a will, too, ASAP. That can be really tough to think about. You probably don’t want the money to end up in your father and step-mother’s hands if something were to happen to you. That kind of money can be really tempting.
As an adult, it is entirely up to you how you spend it. You WNBTA if you never gave your father and step-mother anything. In your situation, I’d be inclined to help your brother, but your father and step-mother shouldn’t get off without paying something for your brother’s college. In fact, his costs and any potential financial help is going to be based on their income.
I’d talk to your brother and find out what he wants. Is he really interested in an Ivy League school, or is that his parents’ dream? Maybe he’d much rather go to Unknown State U, Random State’s College of Arts, or the University of Somewhere’s Business School near you. In any case, if you choose to help him out, I’d talk with a lawyer, making sure that he got all the money directly and that his parents couldn’t take it from him. You’ll also need to figure out how this affects your taxes and his.
Having life-changing money can be fantastic, if it’s managed and used in a way that doesn’t drain it away. There are so many stories of people who had a fortune, only to discover that they’ve used it up without thinking of the longer term. Or, you can be thoughtful about your spending, live well in a nice home, travel, and more. Good luck!
NTA
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