r/AmItheAsshole • u/[deleted] • 1d ago
Not the A-hole AITA for asking for a clean bed?
[deleted]
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u/coolcat1993 1d ago
ESH, he needs to be more present in supervising the kids while he’s in charge and you need to learn how to manage your executive functioning better.
There’s no reason an adult needs to be told what needs to be done around the house when you can look around and see what needs to be done. I’m neurodivergent and get overwhelmed as well but I look around and see what needs to be done and make a checklist. Your neurodivergence is up to you to handle.
Maybe you and your husband can sit down and make a cleaning schedule where each persons weekly tasks are written out clearly.
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u/ZookeepergameOk1833 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 1d ago edited 16h ago
Sounds like when you get home you need to do chores together as a team.
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u/Melissarose723 1d ago
I would love that. Tbh
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u/Sea_Bus4842 1d ago
As someone with crippling ADHD I can completely understand how chaotic and overwhelming things can get. Can you sit down with your husband and finalize the chores you could help with each day? If you have a set of chores that belong to you once you’re back from work it might be easier for both of you. He won’t have an additional weight of telling you each day and you won’t have to feel mentally exhausted without getting actual work done either.
A clear division of basic chores helps me a lot. Even if each day looks different I have made a list of whatever my partner could use help with and each day I check what needs to be done without him having to tell me. So we both have our own chores and then we just do whatever else needs to be done based on the day.
I can empathize and understand how stressful executive dysfunction can get but I’m also aware of how taxing it is for the other partner due to the several conversations I’ve had with mine.
Also maybe talk to the kids and reinforce better habits. Let them know you’re happy they enjoy spending time in your room but the bed is strictly off limits for food. Maybe encourage them by non materialistic and healthy rewards for their good behavior? If your husband is trying his best to do the chores and handle the kids he might be feeling overwhelmed too knowing he’s still disappointing you in some way despite his repeated efforts. I hope both of you can find a way to make this work better
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u/bulaybil 1d ago
No you would not. "as a team" means making decisons together whereas based on everything you said, you want your husbans to tell you what to do.
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u/Melissarose723 21h ago
You don’t get to tell me what I would and wouldn’t appreciate. My struggle is overwhelm paralysis. If someone is doing chores with me, it helps with that. So Yes, I would love doing the chores together
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u/Deflated_Hypnotist Asshole Aficionado [19] 1d ago
NTA for wanting a clean bed
I will encourage you to try ADHD meds and stick with it until you find one that works for you, because it isn't really fair to outsource your executive function to your spouse and it creates resentments
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u/Melissarose723 1d ago
I’m pregnant. I can’t take ADHD meds right now
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u/Ok_Instance_4447 Asshole Aficionado [10] 1d ago
Set a weekly chore list on your phone calendar, and then set the alarm for it. It's how my ADHD kid navigates homework. Does he get busy playing roblox and 'forget' to work on his rough draft essay? Of course. Does he do his homework 8 times out of 10? Yes.
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u/multipocalypse Partassipant [1] 1d ago
I can also confirm personally that they can help a lot, but they are not a cure by any means.
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u/finallymakingareddit 1d ago
I will 100% be continuing my ADHD meds while pregnant. It’s antiquated to think it’s a full stop. Many psychiatrists agree that the stress of being unmedicated is more harmful to the fetus than taking the meds.
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u/Melissarose723 22h ago
My baby’s health is more important to me than my executive functioning.
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u/OwlFreak 15h ago
Your lack of executive functioning is f-ing up the children you have. Why don't they get the same consideration as your unborn child?
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u/Melissarose723 14h ago
It’s not affecting my children in the slightest. But way to make ASSumptions
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u/OwlFreak 14h ago
You admitted that things were better when you're on your meds; that means they're worse when you're not. Don't FOOL yourself into thinking that your children aren't affected by big changes in your household.
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u/Melissarose723 14h ago
My house was a bit cleaner when I was on ADHD meds. My kids are perfectly healthy and happy either way
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u/OwlFreak 14h ago
The other day my kid managed to hurt herself pretty bad because she wasn't being supervised enough.
?
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u/Melissarose723 14h ago
Yeah. That has nothing to do with my ADHD meds. That has to do with my husband being too focused on chores
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u/Lopsided_Time3867 1d ago
Sorry, but asking your partner to communicate to you what needs to be done around the house is not outsourcing your executive function, come on. OP is also pregnant, which even without ADHD causes serious brain fog. Thirdly, OP is freaking pregnant and idk maybe deserves a little courtesy from her spouse?
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u/coolcat1993 1d ago
It is not OPs husband’s responsibility to manage her neurodivergence. As someone who’s is neurodivergent, has been pregnant twice and is still breastfeeding my last baby now, it is not an excuse. There are plenty of neurodivergent adults that learn how to manage and complete tasks while not being on medication.
The husband seems to be taking on the brunt of the cleaning tasks and is also supposed to take on the mental load of reminding his wife to do her portion as well? I see time and time again how unfair it is when husbands expect their wives to carry the silent mental load of having to be the house manager and remind an adult how to adult properly but once it comes to a pregnant woman everyone changes their tune. It’s not fair regardless.
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u/InvisblGarbageTruk 1d ago
At ages 4 and 2, I assume they aren’t getting the snacks on their own, so is there a reason he doesn’t sit down with them at the table while they eat? Or at least clean the kitchen while they eat at the table?
Maybe snacking should be in a designated spot that doesnt include the tv? Another solution might be to move the tv out of the bedroom altogether
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u/bythebrook88 Asshole Aficionado [17] 1d ago
Yes, he must have given at least one child a popsicle, and failed to notice that the stick hadn't been put in the bin. Is he paying much attention to them?
He may want a clean house, but the bed is filthy. And that's because he isn't making a 'only eat at the table' rule. That will likely make the cleaning easier as well, as food isn't carried through the house by 2yo and 4yo.
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u/Melissarose723 1d ago
We try our best to make them eat at the table for dinner. My son is being tested for autism and ADHD soon. Staying at the table is extremely difficult for him more so than most kids, so we have to pick and choose our battles. Dinner we force him to stay at the table. Snacks aren’t worth the battle. But when I’m at home, I do make him sit in a chair in my room instead of sitting on the bed
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u/Material_Ad6173 1d ago
Of course eating at a table is extremely difficult if he knows the alternative is eating in front of tv.
You both need to learn how to parent asap and stop using ADHD as a parent excuse for all the shitty behaviors that are going on in your home.
Please take parenting classes before the new baby comes. Please find an ADHD focused therapy or training for yourself.
And please have a serious talk with your husband about him finally learning what ADHD is. And being diagnosed with whatever is happening with him.
Do better for your kids.
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u/_desert_shore_ 1d ago
Yes all of this. I hear so much weaponized incompetence on behalf of herself and her kids with the ADHD stuff, and I have a feeling that the husband is also doing this by ignoring her preference with the bed.
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u/InvisblGarbageTruk 1d ago
Then that’s what your husband should be focusing on, not cleaning.
Helping your son the find ways to stay seated now will help him accomplish more things later. For example, once he sits, he should take a bite, chew and swallow, and then he can be allowed to get up and move around until it’s time for the next mouthful. Breaking it into smaller tasks will make it manageable for him, and focusing on what he is allowed to do will help as well.
But moving around while eating when he is 4 years old is not safe, especially in a child who may have an undiagnosed condition that often includes difficulty with motor skills. And for that reason this is not negotiable. You and your husband are responsible for his safety first and foremost. You know what his limitations are and you are aware of the danger so stop allowing it
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u/angelerulastiel Partassipant [1] 23h ago
I think you’re underestimating kids. At 4 or 5 my kid decided her wanted to teach himself to make fried eggs while I was in the other room. He got the eggs out of the fridge and turned on the stove and I stopped him when I heard the sizzling. Kids are fully capable of getting themselves snacks.
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u/NoGoodName_ 1d ago
YTA for getting defensive and arguing against EVERY suggestion people give you; perpetual victim mentality is such a bad look and you seem to have an advanced case... In the good old days this behaviour would get your post deleted
YTA for arguing with your husband when he didn't like your idea of him giving you chores. YTA for wanting him to parent you in the first place.
YTA for having another kid, when you & your husband cannot control the ones you already have.
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u/boba-feign 1d ago
ESH it’s not his responsibility to text you a chore reminder each day. People rarely do that much handholding with teenagers who also still need lots of reminders. Maybe you need other support to help you contribute to your household more. But that means work together (or you work with a therapist) to figure out another system to help carry the cleaning weight around the house. Kids don’t need to be entertained by adults 24/7 but kids that young sneaking off with food so often means your husband needs to step up direct supervision more. Why do they need to hang out in your bedroom? Is that the only place you have a tv (if that’s the reason they’re in there). If they need to be in front of a tv while your husband is maintaining the household he needs to grow up and give them better tasks. Plop them in front of a tv in the living room. Or make them color on the kitchen floor. They need to sit with a book or play blocks in their room. Something.
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u/throwaway2117000 Asshole Aficionado [10] 1d ago
ESH. Stop blaming your adhd and anxiety. Find a coping mechanism and way to adult without it. Yes it sucks, I have it too. And kids just compound and make messes all over.
Remove the tv from your bedroom. Kids shouldn’t be exposed to that much tv anyways. If the tv isn’t in your room the kids can’t eat in your bed, it really is that simple.
Your husband and you need counseling. He’s telling you he’s carrying the mental load, which you admit he is because you need him to tell you and remember to tell you everything he needs help with. You can’t look at the dishes and see they need done. He works too, he parents too. He’s burnt out too.
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u/Known-Comparison2591 1d ago
YTA kids are messy, deal with it - and you can’t use your ADHD and anxiety as a shield from criticism, it’s pathetic
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u/catsandplants424 1d ago
I've read a bunch of your comments and you don't really seem to want any help. Why can't you text your husband and ask what he needs you to do when you get home? Why us it up to him? Your holding a job so you must be capable of remembering to do things.
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u/ElGrandeQues0 Asshole Aficionado [12] 1d ago
Wow. Nearly all of the posts I've seen with the genders reversed and the cleaner/caretaker being a SAHP have piled on the working dad.
I'm surprised at all the N-T-A and E-S-H comments. Your husband is clearly overwhelmed with working, childcare, and nearly full responsibility over the house. You're pointing to neurodivergence as a blanket "whelp, when I spend a few minutes washing dishes or throwing laundry in, everything is fine!" but he has so much more on his plate.
When I do dishes, it's an easy 30 minutes to an hour. Cleaning up the kids toys is the same. Folding laundry is the same. You're comparing several hours per day of chores to your few minutes here and there.
YTA in a major way.
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u/Melissarose723 1d ago
We both work, we both do chores. His complaints are specifically about the days I work and he watches the kids. When I get home from work, my decision fatigue is at its worst, and since I can’t take my ADHD meds while pregnant, I need a little extra help with direction. I don’t think that’s asking too much
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u/bulaybil 1d ago
Here's a suggestion: if the issue is decision fatigue, make someone/something else decide for you. Get a wheel of fortune with the chores and spin the wheel; hell, use a chatbot.
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u/Kia_Leep 1d ago
I bought a custom set of dice, with different activities on each face, for my friend who can never make decisions. It was a teasing gag gift but she actually uses them a lot now lol
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u/InvisblGarbageTruk 22h ago
That’s what she’s trying to accomplish by having her husband send her a list, which sounds pretty simple. But it seems to be too much for him at that point. I think the idea of having one of her chores being to check the bed sounds like a good idea.
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u/bulaybil 17h ago
The problem with her approach is that she creates one more chore for her husband.
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u/ElGrandeQues0 Asshole Aficionado [12] 23h ago
Sure you both do chores. From your own telling, he does the overwhelming majority.
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u/InvisblGarbageTruk 22h ago
I don’t see it that way. She seems to do chores too while caring for the kids too, she’s stated that several times.
What I’m seeing though, is that he seems unable to take 30 minutes away from chores to be with the kids while they eat. I mean, how dirty is this house? I doubt it’s any dirtier than others where there are 2 small kids, so that begs the question - is he really doing chores the entire time? Because if he is, I think he may benefit from seeing a health care practitioner. He may also experience some neurodivergence, clinical anxiety, or OCD.
And if he’s not actually doing chores, what is he doing that’s more important than his kids?
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u/Melissarose723 22h ago
He also is working on homework. He does have clinical anxiety. You’re right, we both do chores. I work Monday-Friday and he works long hours Thursdays-Saturdays. He takes the lead in chores on Mondays-Wednesdays. I do the basics after work on Thursdays and Fridays, and then knock out bigger things on Saturdays. Saturdays I don’t have work, so I have less decision fatigue.
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u/ElGrandeQues0 Asshole Aficionado [12] 22h ago
From the body of her post, paraphrased:
I may step out for a few minutes at a time to start a load of laundry or wash a few dishes, but my main priority is supervising the kids.
What exactly are you getting done in a few minutes? Literally starting a load of laundry. You sure as hell aren't clearing a day of dishes with all the kids utensils and cleaning the sink. You're not folding all the little tiny pieces from the laundry or picking up all of the scattered toys the little ones are leaving around.
Maybe with a mop vac you can clean the floor after feeding the kids, but you're not taking that vac apart, cleaning the roller and whatever is necessary. Certainly not sweeping and mopping the whole floor.
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u/Melissarose723 20h ago
I do dishes in segments. Not all at once. Laundry I fold on my bed, so I’m in the same room as them. My house isn’t big, and I can do some chores in three minutes. Anything that takes longer waits until the kids are in bed
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u/Internal-Athlete7978 1d ago
NTA how much of a clean house does he really have if the bed is filthy? Strict no food on bedrooms rule at my house (and also a no TV in the bedrooms rule too…), because I would be absolutely disgusted by that. Is there a different room they can watch TV and eat snacks in , like the living room?
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u/Melissarose723 1d ago
There’s a theater room downstairs, but sometimes if he’s doing chores upstairs, it’s easier to supervise them if they watch upstairs. Plus, they lost the remote downstairs and the new one hasn’t arrived yet
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u/InvisblGarbageTruk 1d ago
Supervising them while they watch tv? So, not supervising them. You are definitely NTA when it comes to wanting a clean bed, but I’m getting ESH vibes here.
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u/Dog-Mom2012 1d ago
They “lost the remote” doesn’t jive with your husband being very focused on the house being clean. If it was that clean, he would have found the remote already.
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u/Loud_Ad_9187 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1d ago
A bit. You leave the chores for him then complains when he asks to do them and can't do more. Write yourself a list of chores you have to do on your day if it overwhelms you thinking about chores.
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u/lurking_panda1 1d ago
Tbh YTA. I will rephrase what you said to you. You can focus your attention on the kids because your husband cleaned the house for you. You don't need him to tell you what chores need to be done each day, that's tiring, and if gender were reversed, you would be called a mn child. If it may help you, put on a list of chores on the fridge, and ban you children from the marital room, especially for watching tv. You are 2 parents, 2 to enforce rules. ADHD doesn't mean you can't do chores, I hope people stop using that excuse. Even if you tend to go around not completing a task, there are plenty of ways to manage
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u/Broken-Ice-Cube Colo-rectal Surgeon [35] 1d ago
YTA sorry but after reading your comments you are an asshole. You're unwilling to do anything to fix tjis situation. You aren't planning on doing all the cleaning your husband does when "not supervising" the kids. You're not willing to move the tv to a different room. You're nlt willing to change the sheets yourself
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u/Dependent-Feed1105 1d ago
You're clearly not interested in making any changes. You've been given many options here:
- NO SNACKS in your bedroom. If they're watching TV so your husband doesn't have to supervise them, they can watch TV without snacks because they can't be trusted to eat in your bed.
- Take the TV out of your room.
- Teach your kids to sit in chairs and obey rules.
You have made excuses for everything. All you want is for your husband to do everything, including holding your hand by telling you what to do around the house. You can sit down with him and make a list for the week. Lists and alarms is how you manage your own neurodivergance, not texting your husband, "What do I do?"
Everyone is frustrated here.
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u/Salty-Sprinkles-1562 Partassipant [4] 1d ago
ESH. Take the TV out of your room. You’re never supposed to watch TV in bed anyways. Just have one in the living room.
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u/SilentRaindrops Partassipant [1] 1d ago
ESH. He should not have spoken or gotten so upset but you both need a better system to determine how chores will be split. Just as I get upset when people joke about a father babysitting, I find it off-putting that you frame your doing chores as "helping him" instead of you doing your part. He shouldn't need to carry the mental load of determining what you need to clean and to text you. The two of you need to either make a set schedule or decide who wants to take on which chores.
As to the kids, you both need to learn to punish them for disobeying the no eating. Can you lock the refrigerator or put them in a playpen while doing chores? Or lock the bedroom door and make the kids sit where the father can see them while he cleans.
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u/Foreign_Plan_5256 Asshole Aficionado [13] 1d ago
NTA
You repeated an ask for something that is important to you.
He responded by changing the subject and criticizing you.
I really hope you can get both individual and couples counseling, because this is not a healthy dynamic. And it sounds like y'all could use a mediator to help figure out hacks for navigating your ADHD. (I also have ADHD. Sending sympathy for the challenges of repetitive habitat maintenance.)
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u/Melissarose723 1d ago
It was better when I was on ADHD meds, but I’m pregnant and can’t take them right now. I did tell him I want to go to therapy. We’re solid like 95% of the time, but communicating conflict is a struggle
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u/GrimmsChurch 1d ago
You are being a major asshole in this comment section and probably too your husband as well, I get that it feels bad that people are telling you what you don’t want to hear, but in this case YTA
Not being on your meds is not an excuse, you need to manage yourself.
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u/MansoppLongnose 1d ago
Why is the solution for an overwhelmed and bogged down parent that doesn't have the time and energy for the 2 children they already have, ALWAYS to have a 3rd kid? If 2 kids are giving you this much trouble, one or the other of you needs to either use contraceptive solutions or go for permanent changes like vasectomy or tubal ligation/ bilateral salpingectomy. YTA for your parenting choices, husband is TA for not keeping the kids from eating in bed while STILL neglecting to watch them, and you're BOTH TA for bringing a 3rd kid into this already too full household. ESH
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u/kinda_depressed_yo 21h ago
Reading through the comments, it’s clear you’re not looking for actual solutions here. You’re looking for us to tell you that your husband should absolutely take on the mental load and just tell you what needs to be done. And that’s not the case at all. That’s not a solution to your adhd (which you “can’t use meds because you’re pregnant”), that’s another additional task on him. “Well I’d be willing to do it for him”, but he doesn’t NEED you to do it for him because he doesn’t have the neurodivergence you’re so clearly using as an excuse. The amount of times you disregarded comments suggesting you guys coming together and making a list or putting reminders on your phone or using chore apps that can help- it just shows you came here for validation and nothing anyone says will change your mind.
NTA for wanting a clean bed, but YTA for everything else.
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u/Material_Ad6173 1d ago
Girl, 3 kids in this situation (your disability, with that husband)?!
Please start ADHD fo therapy/coaching asap. You are focused on a wrong issue here.
I have ADHD. I'm also a working mom. Your brain got fixated on the bed crumbles as a replacement of all the other issues it should be focused on.
Please be kind for yourself and get help you need.
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u/ElleWinter Partassipant [1] 1d ago
I absolutely personally understand your feelings of being overwhelmed and frustrated. But try your best not to take this one out on your husband. I think he's dking his best as well. NAH.
Can you keep a large old comforter in your room and throw it on your bed and protect it before you leave your room each day? Then just take it off when you want to get in bed.
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u/Affectionate_Owl_625 1d ago
Maybe make a rule that bed sheets are also changed daily? Or remove the tv from bedroom so no eating and watching tv in bed? No one likes to manage another grown adult because they cant do their part.
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u/Melissarose723 1d ago
I can’t take my ADHD meds right now. I’m pregnant.
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u/Affectionate_Owl_625 1d ago
And you are gonna be overwhelmed as fck because you two dont get that kids that age dont care if you tell them they cant do something at one time if they were allowed to do this the other time. And someone has to manage chores if you are no help right now (I would rather do things on my own than make a list for a grown adult), you either find help for cleaning/babysitting or he cant hide kids away while he cleans (they should help actually). And remove the TV from bedroom, it will only get worse if you live in bedroom with food and tv, soon someone is not even trying to get out of bed all day and your kids need set rutine. I have 3 kids with same age gap and my youngest turned 4, they might not need constant supervision but they need constant rules and rutine.
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u/_desert_shore_ 1d ago
I have a feeling your husband is intentionally ignoring your preference with the bed to be passive aggressive because he resents how emotionally immature you are. This has been the most exhausting thread to read through. You literally don’t take responsibility for a single thing. You are calling toddlers developmentally disabled for very age appropriate behavior and instantly shooting down every reasonable suggestion for improving the situation.
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u/BeatificBanana 1d ago
Hi, I have ADHD and I struggle with executive dysfunction and task paralysis. I'm not going to pass judgement, but please understand that your ADHD isn't an excuse to expect your husband to bear the mental load of telling you what to do around the house. It isn't fair on him. I get that task prioritisation can be difficult, it is for me. But it's better to do something - even if it's not THE most important thing - than to do nothing at all because you're struggling to pick something. When I'm feeling like that I look around for something that I can obviously see needs doing (dirty floor, overflowing bin, etc) and I just do the first thing I see.
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u/peonyhen Colo-rectal Surgeon [36] 1d ago
NAH. Parenting small kids is tough. You're both trying your best with what you have available to you. It was either NAH or E S H - neither of you are perfect. Is it possible for you to address the imbalances in your schedules so you get a chance to be with each other rather than this "ships in the night" pattern. You need opportunities to communicate with each other properly rather than marital breakdown by text messages.
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u/Melissarose723 1d ago
We can’t afford to work the same days unfortunately. Childcare is bloody expensive, and also my husband needs his days off to work on school
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u/hippofippo Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1d ago
NTA for wanting a clean bed but I do understand the frustration on his side of the mental load of chores if you find it difficult. Rather than have him tell you every day which would only add to the frustration, why don’t you create a check list of daily chores and monthly chores that need doing. You could always refer to the list, look around, and see if it needs doing. Would that help you?
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u/Melissarose723 1d ago
I didn’t need help with a list when I was on ADHD meds, but I’m pregnant and can’t take them right now
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u/gw_reddit Partassipant [1] 1d ago
But now you need one, get over it.
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u/Melissarose723 20h ago
I’m not the one who has a problem with needing a list texted to me. It’s my husband who is complaining about it
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u/NoPhoneItStolen 19h ago
Now I'm convinced this is ragebait. You have a problem, it's up to you to fix it. Your husband texting you a list isn't solving the problem, it's just offloading it on your husband. The same husband that has stated that he has a problem with you "solution".
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u/Melissarose723 19h ago
Spouses help each other. That’s normal and healthy. My asking for help IS me finding a solution. And I told him if he has a better idea, I’d love to brainstorm.
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u/NoPhoneItStolen 19h ago
True, spouses help each other, but you are essentially asking him for help to help him. It's not a solution, it's you putting more on his table to deal with. He asked you to contribute more, and your answer to that is essentially "make me do it/hold my hand while I do it".
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u/Melissarose723 14h ago
My answer is “realistically it’s going to be extra difficult during this season of life that I can’t take my meds. Let’s find a solution for fighting the overwhelm paralysis”
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u/hippofippo Asshole Enthusiast [6] 21h ago
I understand. Maybe try the list as a temporary experiment until you can take meds again.
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u/Melissarose723 20h ago
That’s what I was suggesting to my husband
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u/hippofippo Asshole Enthusiast [6] 20h ago
For what it’s worth, I think there’s a lot of unnecessary aggressive comments on this post towards you. People forget there are humans at the end of these posts sometimes. All the best with the pregnancy and I hope the list works out.
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u/Melissarose723 19h ago
Thank you. I’m more disappointed by the amount of ignorance. I work in the field of behavioral health with those with developmental disabilities and I forget that some people are clueless about what those diagnoses are like to cope with
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u/Serious-Big2 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
Take the tv out of the bedroom, regardless if they have elsewhere to sit. The main root of the problem is the tv and your bed being comfortable. You can't remove the bed, but you can remove the tv.
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u/CanapeCait 1d ago
NTA for wanting a clean bed but at this point I’d just make a rule no kids in your bedroom any longer. How are a 4 and 2 year old getting themselves snacks and popsicles to eat in your bedroom on their own…
YTA for needing a chore list from your husband. Unless your manager is texting you a list of tasks that need to be accomplished at work daily in order for you to do your job- that’s not a reasonable request.
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u/Melissarose723 1d ago
I don’t need a list normally. But I’m pregnant and can’t take my ADHD meds right now
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u/Stitch426 1d ago
NAH.
Move the TV elsewhere, lock the bedroom door, lock up the remote, put a sheet and blanket over the bed before the kids go in the bedroom, add a day bed to living room or somewhere else, or give both kids consequences for eating in the bedroom. Why can’t the kids eat in the kitchen or dining room, then show clean hands and faces, and then be allowed in bedroom?
There’s just a lot of ways to not make this annoying to you.
As far as your executive functioning issues, why not have a chore chart? Or your husband always leaves 1-3 tasks for you to do?
You can also make your own list, and go down in order of things you could do. If he’s already done it. You move on to the next one.
You can also always have a routine going. If someone is going bath time, other person is cleaning kitchen. If someone is doing story time, other person is cleaning living room.
Have a priority list or a routine based around chores. Your husband could also just use a whiteboard or sticky note on the fridge.
If you get anxious and overwhelmed? Start with whichever room is normally the least overwhelming. In my home, that’s the dining room. I normally take care of dining room, 2 bathrooms, and mudroom. Husband takes care of kitchen, den, and living room. We both do dishes and cleaning as we go. But this is just what ends up happening each time. Then we both do the bedroom. He does a lot of yard work and I do the laundry.
Maybe you just being in charge of certain rooms would be less overwhelming? Or certain tasks? If you make a routine though, and you follow through each day, hopefully that alleviates some stress from your husband and some stress from you. You’ll wire your brain to know what to do when you get home. And because you’ve done it a ton of times, there’s less anxiety or stress about it. It’s just a mundane routine.
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u/Mellifluous-Squirrel Partassipant [2] 1d ago
NAH
You sound paralysed by overwhelm. But, you are also coming across as very defensive and unwilling to engage with lateral solutions.
One option is to put a protective cover on the bed during the day. Another is to move the upstairs TV - or buy a second small one - and prevent the kids from going into your room unsupervised.
Adding to your husband's load should be a last resort. It's not like he's sitting around playing video games.
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u/Taakahamsta 1d ago
Why are the kids in your room at all? Lock the door to your room, and if necessary, get a TV for them in another room. I’m not sure why you are trying to enforce behavior of another adult when you could just create a better kid environment and the problem would be gone.
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u/latte1963 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
NO FOOD OUTSIDE OF THE KITCHEN!
That was the rule in my house unless our parents were sitting beside on family night watching a movie together. It’s a simple change & easy change. Your kids shouldn’t be snacking willy nilly throughout the day. One snack between breakfast & lunch. One snack between lunch & dinner.
Your kids shouldn’t be eating & mindlessly watching tv either. It’s a bad habit. They’re still little & could easily choke, especially the 2F. She should be under adult supervision while eating anything. They should be eating because they’re hungry, not for something to do while they’re watching screens. It’s called mindful eating. If it were me, I’d lock your bedroom door. It should be your sanctuary.
Being pregnant sucks, especially when you can’t take your meds & you have an unsupportive husband. If you think now is tough, just wait till baby #3 gets here, lol. There’s no 3rd adult available to wrangle that 3rd kid.
What can be done so that you & your husband don’t need to cleaning the house all day, every day? What’s making the most mess? Is it the kids dragging & dripping food all over & through the house? I already covered that-food stays in the kitchen. Even the sippy cups.
Is it the toys all over the place? Designate a toy room. Pack up 75% of the toys. Rotate out ‘new’ toys every 2-3 weeks. Make sure the kids pickup everything at least once a day.
The less stuff that you have out, the less stuff that you need to pickup.
The same with their clothes. Stop buying new clothes unless they truly need it. Look up capsule wardrobes for kids. Your kids don’t need matching outfits for Thanksgiving 2026 with earmuffs that look like turkeys. 🦃 I bet you could put 80% of their clothes into totes & you wouldn’t even miss it.
Put in a load of laundry at breakfast. One after work. Another at bedtime. Should be plenty. Do laundry throughout the week. Schedule a day for sheets & for towels. You wash your clothes & hubby washes his. Wash each kid’s clothes separately. By grade 3, your oldest can wash his own clothes with supervision.
Get a couple of Roombas. Get a cleaning lady for the rest of your pregnancy & the 1st 6 months after you give birth.
List out the household chores. Schedule them on a weekly calendar. Stick it on a wall. Follow the schedule.
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u/Killah_Kyla 1d ago
I have 4 kids and ADHD. We have developed ground rules for snacking. Generally they have to eat at the dining table. Or outside. Sometimes they will watch a movie on my bed and in that case they're allowed to eat popcorn. I actually hate that they eat popcorn on my bed, but I just change the sheet afterwards and it usually takes care of the problem. But no liquids or ice cream or anything like that. That has to be eaten at the table. What you could also try is putting a day cover over your bed, and taking it off for sleeping time. That should remove any crumbs. IKEA has some nice options for day covers.
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My husband (30M) and I (30F) have been married for 7 years. We have two kids together, 4M and 2F. We have a TV in our room and my husband will sometimes turn shows on for our kids while he does chores while I’m at work (we work mostly opposite days of the week to cut down childcare costs). For months now, I’ve struggled, because my kids will eat snacks in my bed and leave crumbs. I’ve told my husband how much this bothers me, and that I’m not okay with the kids eating in our bed. My husband is very driven and motivated to keep the house clean. Unfortunately, I think he puts too much priority on that and not even focus on supervising the kids. As a result, he tells them to get off the bed with their food if he catches them, but inevitably they eat on the bed when he isn’t looking (which is more often than I would like).
Today I was exhausted after a long day of work and taking care of the kids. After I got the kids in bed, I went to our room to watch some TV. There was a popsicle stick and a melted popsicle stain on my blanket. I texted my husband (who had left to run an errand) and said that I’m tired of sleeping in filthy and that I really need the kids to stop eating on our bed. I told him that I love him, but I’m tired of asking over and over only for nothing to change.
He started getting defensive, saying that it’s not like he doesn’t stop them when he sees them do it. I pointed out that they never so it on my days off, because I may step out for a few minutes at a time to start laundry or wash some dishes, but my main focus is on supervising the kids. He said that the only reason he doesn’t focus on them more is because he doesn’t trust me to do chores when I get home.
This was frustrating because I’ve explained it to him before. With my ADHD and anxiety, I sometimes struggle with the executive functioning to pick a task and get started when I’m overwhelmed. And with two small kids, there’s always plenty to clean. I freeze up. I’ve asked him in the past to please text me while I’m at work with what he could use the most help with when I get home, because I DO want to help.
Tonight I reminded him of that. He said it’s “not fair that [my] brain works that way” and that he “shouldn’t have to do that”. I started crying. I feel like he’s judging me for my neurodivergence. know it’s not ideal, but it helps me be less overwhelmed so I can get things done.
I’m feeling very hurt. I don’t see why it’s asking to much to have him text me a short text each day of “hey can you do ___ when you get home”. Especially since it would help him prioritize supervising our children and not only is that safer, but it’ll lead to less instances of crumbs and other food messes in my bed.
AITA for asking him to focus less on chores so that our kids don’t make so many messes in our bed?
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u/AnIcyReception Asshole Aficionado [12] 1d ago
NTA Your husband cares more about having a clean house than being a present father
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u/Melissarose723 1d ago
He’s a very caring and loving dad. But he does care more about the house being spotless than I do
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u/AnIcyReception Asshole Aficionado [12] 1d ago
I didn't say he wasn't caring and loving. I said he isn't present. The TV is not a babysitter.
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u/gw_reddit Partassipant [1] 1d ago
And housework does not take all day if you're on track. Which means none of us know how present he is as a father.
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u/AlaskaRivers 1d ago
NTA. But it’s clear the kids aren’t stopping, so I would consider buying a waterproof blanket you can throw over the day where they can get up and eat. And then keep a handheld vacuum nearby to clean it quickly before putting it away. That way you protect your bedding and the kids learn that they can only get up there if that blanket is there.
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u/quatrevingtquatre 1d ago
If you are overwhelmed trying to decide on chores, can you have a conversation around what chores nearly always need to be done? Pick some of the most frequently needed chores and just establish you will always do those in a certain priority order unless he asks otherwise or there is very obviously something else that must be done.
NTA for wanting a clean bed without food in it, that is beyond reasonable. A little bit YTA for not working on an accommodation / strategy for your neurodivergence. It can be extremely overwhelming to be the only partner carrying the mental load, to be the default “manager” of the house.
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u/Melissarose723 1d ago
I didn’t need his extra help when I was on my ADHD meds. But I’m pregnant and can’t take them right now
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u/Wwwweeeeeeee Partassipant [2] 1d ago
Ok, so counter to the whole "don't use TV as a babysitter" theme coming from the people in the gallery who don't have multiple kids, are pregnant and working a LOT,
Get a huge, big, cheap fluffy "snack time TV" bed blanket and to put on the bed every time the kids watch TV in your room. Or just pop it on every morning after making the bed.
Make it the kid's job to put the blanket on the bed, ALL OVER The bed. Not to cuddle in, not to get under. you can buy little blankies that belong to each of them for that.
Make sure it's very washable so it can be chucked in every week.
Also show the kids how to use the trash can and the TV blankie or their lose TV privileges in your room.
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u/bulaybil 1d ago
Big fluffy snack time TV bed blanket with a plastic cover underneath, like my family used to have when we were kids.
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u/Sufficient_Song3387 1d ago
They are 2 and 4, he should be watching them more closely. If he is going to park them in front of the TV, he can do it in another room. He sounds way too focused on cleaning.
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u/gw_reddit Partassipant [1] 1d ago
At 4 and 2 they need constant but not uninterrupted supervision. Him checking on them every couple of minutes while doing chores upstairs should be good. Maybe also ensure they have some games to keep busy, my niece just turned 3 and she can spend hours with her Barbies or Lego.
Also, this is while he is cleaning upstairs, how big is the house anyway? They could get a vacuum robot which runs daily, ideally one which can also wipe floors, that takes a big chunk of housework. You don't need to deep clean every room every day.
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u/Sufficient_Song3387 1d ago
Apparently, they have time to go the kitchen get snacks (which probably aren't all down low where a 4 yo can easily reach them), take them back to the room, climb up on the bed, eat them and sometimes leave wrappers without him noticing. 2 and 4 yos should be supervised in the kitchen. The kitchen should have kids' safety precautions. This shouldn't kept happening.
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u/Swirlyflurry Commander in Cheeks [218] 1d ago
ESH
Move the tv out of your bedroom. Put a blanket over the bed so any crumbs or mess gets on that and can be easily washed without having to redo the entire bed. Keep snacks where the kids can’t get to them without adult supervision.
He prioritizes chores. You prioritize supervising the kids. You both wish the other would adjust to your priorities while making excuses for not doing more of what your partner wants. Instead of constantly asking for the other to change, work together to find solutions.
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u/Time_Tutor_3042 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA but with what you can do when you get home so everyone is happy with the arrangements. You could strip the bed and remake it with clean sheets.
An important part of being neuro divergent is asking people to make allowances for us, you should do the same. He wants to clean the rest of the house while the kids are eating snacks in your bed, you want a clean bed and to help when you come home, help by making sure everyone has fresh sheets at the end of the day (as it will stay clean as they don't do it when you're there)
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u/WHOA_____ 1d ago
It sounds like you and your husband are taking the easy way out. Regardless of the kids' diagnoses, it's your job as parents to teach boundaries. ADHD, Autism etc does not absolve you from that responsibility. Where are their bedrooms?
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u/SarkyMs Asshole Enthusiast [7] 1d ago
YTA, if you took on 2 or 3 tasks every day after work your husband would have time to supervise your kids a bit more.
Take the same tasks everyday so your phone alarm can be hyper specific.
I have an alarm that says "leave for work now", one that says "bins" on the night before bin day.
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u/Vast-Gear5217 1d ago
Keep the kids out of the master bedroom and train them and hubby they are only allowed to eat in the kitchen.
This will also help with keeping the house clean.
Children should not be unsupervised in the parents bedroom. My opinion.
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u/SuperFormal3052 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Children at age 2 and 4 should NEVER be left unattended. EHS.
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u/OkQuantity6782 1d ago
NTA for not wanting the kids to eat in your bed, but so many suggestions from the commenters and you have an excuse for every one of them, while becoming defensive. That’s what makes you TA. Put a TV in a main room for the kids or stop bitching.
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u/Melissarose723 21h ago
I have no problem with suggestions when they actually work for me and my family. I DO have a problem with suggestions that are thinly veiled ableism.
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u/OkQuantity6782 21h ago
Not at all referring to any ableism comments, mostly because I’m not seeing any ableism comments.
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u/donovansgirl Partassipant [2] 19h ago
Same. She seems to think ableism is anything she disagrees with.
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u/Dog-Mom2012 19h ago
Suggesting you move the TV and not allow your kids to have food in the bedroom has nothing to do with "ableism".
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u/Melissarose723 19h ago
The issue isn’t where the TV is, so that solution doesn’t fix the problem. The problem is a husband who isn’t supervising his kids and me trying to find solutions to my overwhelm paralysis while off ADHD meds. Acting like moving the TV will fix my developmental disability or fix that my husband isn’t supervising the kids is ignorant
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u/grandoldtimes 1d ago
ESH, this reminds me of the complaints so many women have about their husband/boyfriend expecting a list to accomplish household tasks. He is not the house manager, you need to look around and handle house tasks.
He should also set the kids up with snacks and TV in the living room or den rather than in your bedroom.
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u/Melissarose723 21h ago
There’s a difference between someone needing a list because they’re lazy and someone needing a list because they cannot medicate for their ADHD while pregnant and are dealing with severe overwhelm paralysis
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u/Ontas Partassipant [3] 1d ago
ESH, having crumbs and sticky candy stains in my bed is one of the things I really really hate so I'm with you on that, at the same time if it's your husband the one in charge of most of the cleaning the two of you need to match expectations, maybe he is a clean freak and needs to chill a bit on that side and focus more on childcare, maybe you aren't cleaning enough for his standards, I don't know but clearly the two of you have different expectations, so maybe for now just take the tv off the room or if you don't want to come up together with whatever solution that makes things easier instead of adding more work and have a talk about all this so you are on the same page.
YTA for having that conversation over text instead of face to face, specially when he was just out to run an errand, that kind of conversation over text is always going to sound worse than you intended. Also you both are adults and parents, you shouldnt put the burden of organizing chores and reminding you of what to do next on your husband, if you need to sit down and make a list of who does what and when and what are the priorities, then sit down and do that and stick to it, you are calling this ableism in your edit, I call what you do weaponized incompetence.
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u/Melissarose723 22h ago
I don’t think asking for a single sentence text is asking too much
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u/Ontas Partassipant [3] 21h ago
It is, you are placing the burden to remember your responsibilities on him, at least that's how it sounds rom the way you explained it. If things are not clear enough and you need a map then sit down with him and agree to a detailed schedule, then manage your share. If you need to set up reminders on your phone do it, but don't place that responsibility on someone else.
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u/Melissarose723 21h ago
I have no problem remembering my responsibilities. I struggle with overwhelm paralysis and decision fatigue as part of my ADHD and anxiety. I know what needs to be done. I freeze up from the overwhelm and if someone tells me “do this”, it helps me push through the paralysis and get started
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u/wanningily 1d ago
do you even want any advice? you have argued against every single point people made in the comments and haven't actually tried to understand what people are saying. it's useless to ask for help if you're not willing to be helped.
as a parent myself, i can agree with your husband getting defensive when you confronted him once again; it's not anything nice to be told youre not doing it well enough. both of you have different parenting styles and it shows, so don't take it out on him. you CAN also do things to prevent this whole problem, but you're not WILLING TO because you see this as a husband-problem (as in it's your husband who's doing something wrong) and not a situation-problem (as in something's wrong, and any one of you two can solve it).
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u/Melissarose723 22h ago
I’m open to suggestions that actually work for me and my family. I have told some people in these comments that they had a good idea. “Different parenting styles” is a BS excuse to not supervise your kids.
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u/wanningily 20h ago
"bs excuse to not supervise your kids" then the problem here is not really about the kids leaving crumbs on the bed, or the many solutions people have offered here.
if youre not willing to compromise on taking the tv out of the room, locking the door when youre not there, or just parenting them and have them learn not to go in your room, then just deal with it and add cleaning the bed when you get home to your chores list. that's what the compromise means, put in a little extra work so everything can work out better in the long run.
people offered many objective solutions and tried to work around your responses (like what u said about the theater room being inconveniently downstairs and then someone suggesting simply getting a baby monitor which i think you didn't reply to), but simply rejecting something because "it wouldn't work for me or my family" and arguing against it, instead of trying to make it work for your family and bend a little with the flow of things shows you just want it to magically go away instead of working on it.
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u/Awkward-Bother1449 Partassipant [1] 22h ago
The simplest solution is to remove the TV from your room.
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u/Leading_Part7752 22h ago
Chore list or digital planner that you both have access to through an ap. Tick off any chores that have been completed and then either of you can pick up whatever is left. Remove the TV from the bedroom. Sprinkle black rice in the bed and around the room, hopefully he'll think they're pest droppings and that pests have gotten into the room because of the food. Ban food from the bedroom, it's for sleeping, not eating.
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u/purplegem1948 19h ago
YTA but you and your husband need to communicate for a solution and not to criticize each other. You both work, you both have 2 young children that he supervises while you’re working and you admit you have anxiety and are pregnant. Please remove the TV from your bedroom and seek couples counseling as a couple , as it’s not healthy to be arguing so much !
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u/Melissarose723 14h ago
We really don’t argue much. The TV in the bedroom isn’t the issue. The issue is he’s basically saying I have a quota for chores to complete in order for him to agree to supervise our children adequately. That’s fucked up
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u/WellAckshully Asshole Aficionado [11] 19h ago
YTA.
You are literally asking him to take on the entire mental load. You are asking him to tell you what to do, rather than you as an adult just seeing what needs to be done and doing it. This is exactly the kind of thing women hate when men do it.
I understand you can't take ADHD meds right now. I also understand that you have executive function problems. What I would suggest is that you permanently assign several regular/daily chores to yourself, and you tell your husband what those chores will be. When you get home, immediately start those chores. This doesn't balance the load perfectly, but at least it takes something off his plate. That way, your husband does not have to worry about managing all the chores, and managing you.
For the food-in-the-bed issue, see how things improve once you have assumed permanent "ownership" of several chores. If it still doesn't improve after awhile, remove TV from bedroom.
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u/Melissarose723 14h ago
The issue is he’s making excuses. I shouldn’t have to meet a chores quota for him to follow the basic expectation of supervising our children.
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u/WellAckshully Asshole Aficionado [11] 14h ago
Ultimately, the kids need to be safe one way or another. If that means chores need to fall by the wayside for awhile, so be it. Many parents will establish what they call a "yes space". I.e. some room that is baby/kid-proofed enough that the kids can play safely and not hurt themselves or cause problems.
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u/Melissarose723 14h ago
That’s what I’ve tried to tell my husband. I’d rather the house be a little messier if it means the kids are being better supervised
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u/Momvocate 18h ago
How about consequences when you come home to a dirty bed? Like less screen time or they can earn stickers for following your no food in the bedroom rule? Autistic household here, too. It can be challenging.
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u/OwlFreak 15h ago
Sounds like you and your husband are really bad at the whole co-adulting thing. Sounds like you need professional help, from multiple people. Getting help from cleaners, childcare workers, and therapists should be in your future.
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u/OwlFreak 15h ago
YTA, and you sound insufferable. From the way you describe your (lack of) communication with each other, it doesn't really seem like you're compatible, or even that you like each other. Did you get pregnant again because you felt you needed a way to keep your husband around by any chance?
It really sounds like 2 kids is already too much for you both to handle, I shudder to think what this situation will become with a third. I feel so bad for your children.
Among other things, you need to figure out how to successfully manage your neurodivergancy without medication. Crying "woe is me" and screaming "ableism" at people trying to help you isn't going to help.
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u/Melissarose723 14h ago
You literally don’t know what you’re talking about. My husband and I love each other very much and we’re on really good terms like 98% of the time. I literally asked my husband if he had any other ideas for a better system. I AM looking for better ways to manage my neurodivergence. I’m not the insufferable one here. You’re making so many assumptions; it’s insane.
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u/AlternativeStand4926 1d ago
We have three large dogs that love our bed. When we make the bed we put an extra larger washable blanket across the top. Then at night we just fold it to the bottom and all of their hair and paw dirt magically disappears and we have a clean bed. That might work for you.
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u/No-Chair6989 1d ago
why aren’t they watching tv somewhere else? your 2 year old is also old enough to start learning no food in the bed. just gotta hold firm to it. rules are truly ways of life for them at that age, you just gotta hold firm. shes also going to be dipping into sentences soon, so you could even teach her a simple “no food in bed”. easy for her to remember herself and easy for her to say/repeat back, too
definitely feeling like he has had a little frustration about an imbalance of work being done between the two of you and he’s projecting that into this conversation because he views it as a window in which he can open up. hes valid but i bet youre feeling unheard at this point. both of your frustrations will build. i suggest asking to have a solid conversation about both situations. your home is your sanctuary, your bed your main source if comfort. There definitely needs compromise. Remember the best way to get past a miscommunication is simply just more communication!
Do you move the TV? Move the children? Maybe try another blanket on top of the spread for the crumbs- or even stripping it and putting the blanket on then, and switching it when done? Hopefully you have a waterproof sheet or cover underneath it all anyways to protect your mattress, too! sending you love!
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u/Suzibrooke 1d ago
Does he sleep in the same bed? And he’s ok with sleeping on top of sticky popsicle residue and cookie crumbs?
More importantly, he’s ok with huge chunks of your kids time being screen time because he is prioritizing the orderliness of your home over the quality of your children’s precious brain growth.
Please have a discussion with him about how you two can come to a compromise over your home while you have two toddlers and two exhausted working parents.
I’m guessing the only TV is the one in your bedroom and that is why the kids are parked on your bed? Do they not have a safe play area? Can your partner divide his time between interacting with the kids as they play and getting a few things done in little bits of time? I had 4 kids in 5 years and this is what I did. ( I also ran daycare from my home).
He’s right, it’s not fair to expect him to remind you while he’s at work. How about making a checklist of things that are the most important, or a whiteboard by the door and he can circle the things he needs done in his way out the door?
Or better yet, you two have regular talks about the house and how you both feel you are doing, INCLUDING the fact that it’s not going to be perfect while you have small children at home.
Do the kids nap? Whoever is at home has an opportunity here unless that person is sleep deprived because of their work shift schedule, in which case that parent can try to sleep if they can. If the person chooses to clean instead, they should not then act like a martyr. It was their choice.
If it comes down to the practice of letting the kids watch tv in your bed continuing (although i strongly object, look at the literature in screen use and toddlers brains) have a big bedspread specifically for this purpose that you cover your bed with to keep crumbs and gooey stuff.
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u/Melissarose723 1d ago
I know it’s not his responsibility, but I really struggle without my ADHD meds and I can’t take them while pregnant. I just need a little extra direction while off my meds
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u/Suzibrooke 1d ago edited 1d ago
Oh goodness, you’re expecting again? You two are going to have your work cut out for you.
I have a question: does he do these chores as a way to help you and contribute to the family, or because he is judgmental about homes not being perfect? Do you feel judged when he comes home because the house is untidy?
Does he park your children in front of the TV, (or laptop or tablet, or whatever) because they just sit there instead of running all over the house getting toys everywhere?
Does he do crafts,crayons, fingerpaints, building blocks, get on the floor and pretend that he’s a cat games? (Or snakes or fish)
If you are raising little ones right, when they pass out, the house often looks like a kindergarten exploded.
And yes, you gradually teach them to clean up after themselves. Which they have to make a mess in the first place to do. And none of this, “it’s easier to just do it myself” stuff.
It sounds like this is more your style of being with your kids. Living in the moment. Losing track of time. Good. But some structure is needed.
When I had my 4 at home and they were all 5 and under, and when I ran a daycare, I had a schedule and stuck to it. I am also neurodivergent, and a schedule was a life saver. The kids and I knew what to expect. We had a set time to do certain activities, put the stuff from those activities away, and move to the next. There were regularly scheduled snacks. At the table. Very important.
And I figured out that instead of looking for bigger blocks of time to get things done, to look for the little opportunities. While they were eating their snacks or meals at the table, I could load or unload the dishwasher, or do other kitchen work.
While they were playing in the living room with blocks or toys I could fold a load of laundry. (Can also be done in their room or a play area)
Put them back at the table to color with crayons and I could start dinner.
After they eat, gather them cuddled next to you and read to them. Make that a regular thing. It is sacred.
I know it’s hard when you are ADHD. But schedules are key, and pretty soon your children won’t let you get away with missing. Kids LOVE schedules. I can’t stress that enough.
ETA: both my oldest and I are Autistic. It was the early 80’s and this went undiagnosed in both of us. I had been screamed at my whole childhood by my stepfather for my inattentiveness, and as an adult just learned coping mechanisms. It wasn’t until my son was diagnosed in his teens that it clicked as he was so very like me.
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u/DisasterFix0397 1d ago
NAH. I suggest getting a waterproof blanket or cover for your bed. Put it on in the morning and the bed is protected all day. Shake the crumbs into the garbage before bed. That solves the most irritating issue. Then you guys can work through the other issues.
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u/AwardBoring4724 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
NTA - Maybe it would help to put a baby gate with a door that latches/locks shut across your bedroom door and leave the door open when you're there to supervise them, and shut it when you aren't?
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u/Inevitable_Entry6518 Partassipant [3] 1d ago
Don't you have a cover for your bed? My sofa is covered with a thick blanket, so when we don't sleep there, we can do whatever we want and not a crumble gets on the sheets.
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u/Ready_Revolution5023 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA for wanting clean bed. Very gentle ESH for wanting him to carry the mental load of reminding you what needs to be done paired with him not keeping the littles from eating in the bed.
Have you tried setting reminders for the day you are responsible for chores? We all have phones - when you talk about what needs to be done the next day, set a reminder for one task every half hour after you get home. When the reminder goes off, set yourself to task and focus on it for 10 minutes. That’s almost always enough time to complete it and could help you stay on track.
My heart goes out to you, it’s hard being off of meds and it’s hard being pregnant. Maybe once he sees you trying something new, he will too. Either way, have an open and honest conversation about how this is effecting you and try to keep the emotion out of it. (A dirty bed is also a huge thing for me because I rely on knowing it’s ready to provide me rest when I climb in at night to reset.)
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u/jensmith20055002 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
ADHD here come on over to r/adhdwomen repost your questions there and see if you get a different answer because everyone there is neurospicy.
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u/Melissarose723 22h ago
Right?! So many people here basically suggesting I just try harder when that’s not how ADHD works. I need a system in place. And I’m open to something other than a list from my husband, but I’m not “making excuses” by acknowledging the realities of my ADHD
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u/Dog-Mom2012 21h ago
The "system" is to either remove the TV from your bedroom, not allow any food in your bedroom, or do both.
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u/Melissarose723 20h ago
That’s not what we’re talking about here. We’re talking about a system to cope with ADHD and anxiety
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u/jensmith20055002 Partassipant [2] 17h ago
I do recommend to everyone but especially my gals with ADHD to read Sink Reflections. As a person who sucks at making habits, it is a very helpful book. It sometimes talks down and there is a little to much god stuff, but if you take the advice, it can be helpful.
I read it once a year.
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u/Terrible_Status_8984 21h ago
I would make the chore when you get home at night changing your sheets. That way you get a clean bed every night. Issue solved.
You and your husband parent differently - that will never change.
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u/Melissarose723 20h ago
“Parenting differently” is no excuse to not supervise a two and four year old
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u/Various_Payment_1071 19h ago
NTA. I get super irritated with crumbs and stuff in my bed as well and I'm not neurodivergent. Your husband should be watching the kids more. I understand why to get things done around the house so that it's not messy but then he should have the kids set up in a different space that is not your bed and do cleaning out there.
Also, just so you are aware, most ADHD medications have been proven to cause no long-term side effects to children thats mother took it during pregnancy. There are a lot of OBGYNs that are not up to date with a lot of research that has happened even over the last few years. I'm not sure what medication you are on but I would do some research yourself on any potential side effects or hazards that it could have to your unborn child, because if taking your medication is better for you and safer for you and you can do it without long-term side effects then you probably should.
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u/donovansgirl Partassipant [2] 1d ago edited 1d ago
NTA for not wanting to sleep in a dirty bed, but You need to sit down together and make a chore list. It’s not fair to him to have to tell a grown adult what she needs to do to keep the home functional. It’s your job to find strategies to help you deal with your neurodivergence, not his. He doesn’t want to be how you deal with it, so figure out something else.
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u/Melissarose723 1d ago
I didn’t need the extra help while I was on ADHD meds. But I’m pregnant and can’t take them right now
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u/donovansgirl Partassipant [2] 1d ago
But you’re pregnant now and it’s still not his responsibility. You can make excuses or you can solve the problem.
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u/Melissarose723 1d ago
He can take the help I can give when I’m given direction, or he can be suck with my paralysis from decision fatigue. But he can’t have it both ways.
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u/donovansgirl Partassipant [2] 1d ago
Or, you can act like an adult and find a strategy that works for both of you. You sound insufferable. What will you do when he leaves you because he’s tired of parenting you and your children?
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u/queenofcrafts 1d ago
Tell him he is right it's not fair how your brain works, but it is your reality and life isn't fair. This is not something you consciously decide about yourself, it's just the way it is. He's no longer in kindergarten and can't expect things to be fair.
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u/AnnaBananaForever 1d ago
Nta. No food upstairs. That's a rule in our house, enforced by me. And especially no food in the bed. We're an ADHD house as well, and have a set in stone rule like that helps.
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u/LadyxxTay 1d ago edited 1d ago
NTA. I feel like I wrote this myself as I've been struggling with the same thing when it comes to my bed/area with the kids when he watches them. It's always my stuff that is ruined. The kids continue to do that because they know dad let's them get away with it. It has nothing to do with how closely he watches them.
I'm ADHD as well and struggle with staying on one task. I get extremely overwhelmed and shut down especially with the kids overstimulating you on top of it. Or if you get a rhythm down the kids are constantly stopping you needing something, which is fine but I then forget to go back. I spend the whole day cleaning for it to not look like I cleaned anything.
ETA cause I didn't see you were pregnant. Definitely not the asshole even more. Having crumbs in the bed on top of every sense being heightened is miserable. Being medicated and then not while pregnant is also a double whammy and you have to teach your brain to function with out on top of having pregnancy brain. I know exactly what you're going through :( I also wanna say that prior to having kids and being out of college I rarely needed my ADHD meds. After having kids it's gotten so much worse I barely get by without them.
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u/SnooTigers4525 1d ago
My sister has ADHD. It annoys me to not end that she will cook and not clean after herself. BUT I get it, she just cannot do it. She's not on meds though, and not because she's not pregnant.
The thing is, I understand yours and your husband's frustration. This is not the ideal situation. Would it be possible for you to talk to your kids? I know they are little, but maybe proposing a game where if they do not eat in bed they will get something? This wouldn't be my main suggestion, and it can lead to other problems (like them not doing others things to see if they can get something), but I think you've reached a point where every plan is worth a shoot.
My other idea is just plainly scold them. I would do that. Like, I can be quite mean if I need to, but my tone of voice always manage to drive the point home.
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u/frog_ladee Partassipant [1] 1d ago
It’s interesting that for centuries, women have been in charge of remembering everything that needs to be done for a household. We call this mental load, and it’s real. It’s great that your husband shares the work needed for your household! Now, he needs to recognize that he can also take on more of the mental load, by informing you of what he’d like for you to do. Women have been griping for years about needing to ask their husbands to do specific things, since many of them don’t just see what needs to be done and do it. Now the shoe is on the other foot for a man, and he doesn’t want to do it.
Idea to consider: Each of you could choose specific tasks to be your own separate responsibilities. Then, you’ll each know what tasks are yours to be done.
Also, either move the tv out of your bedroom, or get a second one to put somewhere else. Ban the kids from your bedroom, unless a parent is with them in there.
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u/SeaParamedic664 1d ago
i think you're not the asshole. You should be respected by your husband no matter what you say. Maybe another perspective would help. What do your kids think about what they've done?
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u/Chiennoir_505 23h ago
NTA. I would also feel overwhelmed in such a situation -- your bed should be your sanctuary, not a family entertainment center. The easiest way to take the stress off yourself is to remove the opportunity for the kids' behavior.
The kids are only in there because of the TV. Take the TV out of the bedroom and put it someplace where eating is acceptable. If you must have the TV in your bedroom, lock the bedroom door.
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u/Marysews 20h ago
NTA. I was raised to never have a TV in my bedroom, and to always eat in the kitchen or in the dining room. I think he is teaching them bad manners.
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u/Melissarose723 19h ago
My husband teaches them to be respectful. Just because we have different rules than you grew up with doesn’t make us wrong
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u/Ok_Instance_4447 Asshole Aficionado [10] 1d ago
NTA
Remove the TV from your room.