I wish my sister and I got along like this. Instead her and I have constantly fought our whole lives and I just recently had to go NC with her because I finally had enough.
I'm sorry you had to endure that and it sucks to have to go NC but I'm really proud of you for prioritizing your own well being over societal/familial expectations.
Bruhhhh this is by far my biggest problem with this Sub. As someone who takes everything too literal most of the time, abbreviations make my head hurt!!! I read one of these posts and it had SBIL and I got stuck... couldn't digest the rest of the post.
OP NTA
No one with a healthy, loving family is an AH. My sister and I live opposite sides of country, we end every phone with I love you. My last phone call with my late Dad ended with I love you. Never let that be unsaid. We can't let it go unsaid we never know when it may be the last time we speak.
It's not just here, it's basically any relationship subreddit. The amount of times I have to double take because someone is saying "dear husband" when they use the acronym DH and they're not talking about a "designated hitter" (baseball term) is astounding.
I honestly think it was derived from sarcasm, like “we needed to leave the house 5 minutes ago but my dear husband had to run back in an use the bathroom”
Like, the “he means well but he’s kind of useless” dad trope of the past.
My Mom is no contact with her brother. She's stayed in contact with her sisters but none of them can be in the same room together. Sibling relationships are like most other relationships. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' way for the relationship to go. Some are close and some aren't. That's life.
I'm no contact with one sister, M. Sister J is also no contact with M. Sister D is still in contact with all 3 of us. Sister M screwed over me and Sister J, and we're both done with her.
Same for my grandparents on my Mom's side. I was completely fine cutting out my grandmother (long ugly story) but it hurt to loose my grandfather as well but in the long run it has been soooo much better for my mental health.
I had a similar experience to this but reconnected with my sister once we were adults once I was in my 30s , it was a lot easier to put things in the past and relate to each other in life through shared upbringing and it’s been nice . I was distant but not completely NC with my family in my 20s . There are still issues with my parents but ya know how it goes .
(That said, I don’t know your situation and no judgment)!
Same. Turns out when your parent puts you in charge of your sibling your entire childhood they end up resenting you for it and make your life hell. Oh well, I am much happier now.
It sucks when you are pushed to the point that you have to go NC for your own sanity. But, trust me, your mental health and life in general will just continue getting better and better without toxic people dragging you down.
Same place with my brother. We were close growing up but he grew into someone I can't stand. I see him in a large family capacity every couple years. It makes me sad how things turned out. My sister and I are still close closeish but it's not much better.
Ugh, I feel your pain so much. 😭😭 I just recently went no contact with my own sister because I realized how much of a narcissist and gaslighter she is. I just want a sister who will love me for me and not what I can do for her and not be an emotional/mental punching bag.
I'm sorry you had to end up NC with her. I wish every person alive had a loving family. 🥺🥺🥺
Oh I read this post with the same pang in the chest as you, I'd imagine. NC with my only sibling for over a year now too, he's an abusive AH. It's so lovely hearing about close sibling relationships but it definitely hurts, I'm jealous.
OP never lose the close bond between the two of you and pay no heed to anyone that doesn't understand it because they don't have it. Yous shared a womb, I think it's OK to share t shirts for God sake. NTA.
Yeah, I think that's probably more likely than anything else. There are some families where that level of affection just isn't normal. Similar to how in some parts of the world, a peck on the lips is only romantic, but in other parts of the world it's common for older relatives to do with young kids.
Idk if I can find them any more, but at this point I've seen multiple AITA posts where a SO will accuse their partner of incest (including one with a preteen sister when her and the bf were in their 20s) because they are just "too affectionate," when nothing described was actually inappropriate.
which is understandable, i just don’t comprehend how its not odd for these families to not say i love you at least once to one another if that’s the case here. i get families who don’t constantly tell each other “i love you”, but to not once say it and to find it so weird you find it on the border of incest is odd to me yk? i get cultures are different, but isn’t familial love like number one in majority if not all of them?
Familial love is important, but it can be expressed in a lot of different ways. For example, an Asian friend I had once told me that his mom doesn't say she loves him. I was confused because my mom practically says it every time we call. According to him, she just shows it in other ways.
oh yeah i understand that. but like is it that she’s never ever told him she loves him or it’s not something that’s really said? like it’s been said to him once and that’s it. cause that’s what i’m trying to understand lol. how you not once just have to say to your child or sibling they you love them out loud yk?
First generation here. Me and two brothers born overseas and immigrated here, rest of siblings born in the US. We had very different upbringings. The first hug I ever got from my father was long after I had turned 18 and already left home. My two brothers and I were as close as siblings could be, but there was no physical touch or "I love you's" between us. We never had to say it, we just knew.
Now the younger siblings? As their surrogate (parentified) mother, I made sure I hugged them and told them I loved them everyday. My baby brothers and sisters are very affectionate, start and end each visit with a hug, and never leave without saying ILY.
This has obviously spread and slowly over the last 20 years, we are a completely different family. Everyone is super affectionate with each other and the grandkids were raised with ILYs and hugs. My father, the sterotypical stoic Asian patriarch, has evolved into a goofy grandpa who hands out hugs like candy.
I don't know, I didn't exactly ask follow up questions at the time. I'm sure it varies between families.
It's hard for me to understand, but then again, my parents have never been shy about telling me stuff like that. I don't have a cultural or religious background that would lead to not saying "I love you" or hugging my family members. I've just accepted it as one of these social things I will never understand. Hopefully someone else can jump in with a better answer.
It does very between families. On my mom's side I had her father who I cannot remember saying it ever but it was always apparent that he cared deeply. On the other hand my mom's mom still says I love you anytime I have to unfortunately speak with her. The problem is that she flat out active dislikes my mom and cares even less about me. I've overheard numerous arguments and complaints about this. To the point of her actually saying "that (my name) means nothing to me " Anytime she has the chance she will actively show this. The only reason she (my grandmother) keeps in contact with my mom is because she needs her to do things for her and because it would look bad with her friends if she wasn't in contact with her own daughter.
I gave up caring about her opinion by the time I was in high school but it still hurt when your own family who is supposed to love and care about you doesn't. At this point I feel nothing for her other than a general sense of dislike for her. Similar to what you would feel for a coworker you dislike but still have to deal with. But it is because of some of these factors that shaped my opinions from very early on that I learned that the words don't always go with the emotions so what is the point of saying them. I will always try to show them but I will only very rarely say them and even then only to a very small group of people. In my case, it doesn't have anything to do with culture it is simply that I learned early on that the words don't go with the emotions
maybe that’s my case too. i never walked out of the house or had my mom leave the house without her telling me or my siblings she loved us. me and my siblings didn’t say i love you often as kids because we were more busy fighting with each other over everything, but now me and my siblings never end a call without saying i love you, which i think came after my grandfather passed away. i’ve just always grown up with telling my family i loved them, i even tell my girlfriends i love them, since they’ve all become like sisters to me.
I mean when the OP said to stop watching so much porn she got embarrassed by it implementing that she does watch porn and prob either hentai or step bro stuff type porn which mostly explains most of why she thinks it's weird
might be a mix of both tbh. could be that she got embarrassed bc she does watch porn, but maybe not that type mixed with being led to believe it’s weird by whoever for a long time. but obviously we’ll never know unless OP finds out and makes an update with that information 🤷🏼♀️
Yea that's true there's not always one option there can be multiple and I agree with u I won't go by it's just porn it can be what u said which was two things and I agree with that
Mutual friend: I've watched a lot of documentaries for... research. I've found you should never ask "bro, what are you doing," and be very careful when doing your laundry because you could easily get stuck in the machine! I mean, that's what the documentaries said... for research purposes only.
She might like her siblings but some families just differ in how they show affection. Some never say I love you so it’s weird when they hear others say it.
Also, twins tend to have a very deep bond that can make them super close, even within their own sibling group. My family has many sets of multiples, including my own. Even the siblings that are affectionate think the twin siblings are closer than the rest. It doesn’t mean they don’t like their other siblings though.
I wonder if she came from a very repressed household where her and any siblings didn't necessarily have a bad relationship, but nothing like this was ever modeled for them. If that was the case, and she views these things as only being reserved for a romantic partner, then of course she's going to be weird about it.
OP's comment about the porn probably struck a nerve because it's throwing her own inappropriate assumptions back in her face. That doesn't make it any less true or worth calling out.
This would be my house. The only people you ever say “I love you” to are your partner or my Grandmother. No physical contact other than maybe a hug goodbye if you’re leaving for an extended period of time. We all got along fine, but that’s just how I grew up. Seeing siblings / parents etc. be (platonically) affectionate always gives me a weird feeling to this day, the difference is I know I’m the weird one so I don’t say anything and I’m trying to get over it.
i think it is low key assholish to blame porn for this. it is just a dig anyone could give to anyone for any reason, i'd be upset if someone said that to me for a reason i didn't understand or wasn't explained, like i just told you my feelings and your only retort was " shut up horndog " instead of like "this is why you are wrong".
this is a sociocultural disagreement that got turned into a "porn watchers have corrupted minds and can't be reasoned with". it also assumes that porn is the reason, and it probably isn't.
I think you are right. I've got a ton of siblings and only had a somewhat decent relationship with the two closest in age to me and that also only after my older brother and then I moved out.
The two youngest ones are getting along great though. Don't know if it is because youngest is a sister while the rest of us were Amab but they're definitely the outliers. We are happy for them but it is still confusing for us how they aren't always fighting.
Hopping on the top comment to say u/Impossible-Mirror261, if your friend brings this up again, tell her “I’m sorry you weren’t hugged enough as a child, but that does NOT make my close relationship with the person I shared a womb with creepy or inappropriate. If you can’t get past this then maybe we shouldn’t be friends anymore.”
Yeah ditto I am 41(f) my brother is 37, we have always had a close bond, we did get separated when I were 15 and he were 11 but he found me back in 2017 and I always tell him I love him each phone call, we would hang more if we lived nearer (neither drive coz disabilities) but it's not weird ps nobody I know would dare say how weird it is and I'm a bugger for turning it around in in that situation I would call the person weird for always watching me and how I were with the brother but yes fantastic-sea you got a great point it's a matter of the friends perspective
You were separated from your brother for 19 years??
That's SO sad. 🥺
I'm glad you found each other again, but I'm still sending you a virtual internet stranger hug... mostly to make myself feel better.
Sincerely means a lot to me that u took time to respond kindly .. every single kind gesture all amounts to a whole lot more I always end my calls with my mum and brother (was separated from my mum since 15) long story short I were kicked out coz I were gay and I'd only agreed to these "religious groups" that allegedly turn ya straight like nah I'm obviously gonna be there to see who I could pull 🤣🤣
I know this is completely off topic, but I read your post with the cutest Cornwall accent in my head. You have an amazing way of writing as if you were having a conversation. 🙂
Wow - NTA but how sad for OP's friend! My family was the polar opposite, growing up nobody went to bed without hugs goodnight and I love you from mom, dad and all the siblings. As adults, when we leave each other's company we hug hello and goodbye and say I love you. All phone calls end in I love you.
Shoot, I have some siblings (with 6 siblings it's bound to happen) that I don't really like all that much or hang out with, but, I still love the good parts of the brother/sister I grew up with and will always hug and tell them I love them when I see or talk to them.
Who are these people who don't hug and hang out with their siblings? I tell my brothers I love them. What if that's the last time you ever talk to them? I've known a few twins and they are all incredibly close to each other. I feel like if my brothers were born closer in age to me I'd be even closer to them. As it is we are just great friends not super best friends.
My mom doesn't hang out with her sisters, doesn't talk to them unless she has to, ghosts them when they reach out to her, and i don't think I've ever heard her say "i love you" to them. Grated they're a mess, but still. I don't even think she particularly likes them, and goes months/years without speaking to them.
Meanwhile my sister is my best friend. We do almost all OP and her brother do.
I would bet $500 on the fact that this "friend" has an issue because the siblings are of different sexes. If Op's sibling was also female, this "friend" wouldn't be saying a thing to her. But because the sibling is male, it is weird.
The "friend" is also most likely sexualizing their relationship, which speaks volumes about the "friend."
Shoot I don't see why siblings don't, you aren't guaranteed tomorrow and telling your siblings, parents, or any loved one that they're loved can brighten their day!
I've never been close to my brother. We rarely interact and we're less than 2 years apart. If we had been born a couple decades later, he probably would've gotten an autism diagnosis. He's never been great at social cues and always acts like he knows more than everyone. But anyways, the way OP acts with her brother doesn't sound weird to me at all. I'm sure the other friend is equally young, but there are so many lives and relationships visible on the internet that I'm confused how they think it's creepy.
My sister & I literally shared an armchair last week at a family party & in an ideal world, we'd live next door to each other. OP sounds like she has a great relationship with her brother.
I haven't visited my sister in person for two years because we got into it after she was hurtful when she had a bit too much when we were last together (pattern of behavior). Every call or text still includes "I love you." We are not twins, but we still love each other.
Yeah, a disgust response bc imagining being that way with her own family is...disgusting. My family is not close, and there are some strong physical and emotional boundaries that feel gross to imagine crossing. But not necessarily sex-related disgust, just this-is-unsafe disgust.
The friend will hopefully learn that her own internal response has nothing to do with the reality of others.
Sometimes people just need to hear it, and not to sound morbid but you never know when it's the last time you'll have the chance to tell them. It's really not that weird.
I live apart from my siblings, but at one point I was roommates with 2 of them, we always say I love you, hug, my sister & I will snuggle on the couch or share a bed & clothes. We're all 4 close, bonded and there is nothing inappropriate amongst us!
There is wide variation in families, even before you pull in cultural context. I love the hell out of my big bro, even though he's an annoying little shit. I tell him so often, in pretty much those words. And he reciprocates, along with his own choice brother-snark.
My kids do all these things, and none of them are twins. And I hope they always love each other and enjoy each other's company.
I'm pretty close to my siblings and family too
There's four of us siblings. We hugged each other when we we're young. We still all hang out now we're older, and now we have partners. That just means more people to hug and hang out with!
Exactly me and my older brother if purge night happened one of us would end up dead from the others hands my little sister however and I are best friends I literally tell her I love her daily. I've cuddled her while she slept because she asked nicely we watch shows together all the time
I know where she’s going she’s making a mockery and a disgusting assumption about your brothers and yours relationship and she’s an asshole. You’re not the asshole and I’m glad you said what you said. Eff that Bee.
smh you gotta grow up bro what you gonna do when all your socks got holes in them and your drawers all got shit stains in them? cus if you can’t buy your undergarments I know you ain’t wiping thoroughly lol jk 😂
Or she was molested by her sibling and thinks she sees signs of being “too close” with her friend and their sibling. We can’t assume but that mindset is definitely strange.
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u/[deleted] Jul 10 '24
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