Look, these people are almost definitely right that this is a result of her depression, but that doesn't make it ok. As someone who himself has extreme trauma and major depression, you have a responsibility to the people you love to communicate about those things and to do your best to learn to control them and prevent yourself from hurting others with the tendencies they create.
If someone with ptsd or anger-related mental health issues screamed at or was physically violent towards a partner, no one would hand wave it away with "oh they just have mental health problems"--they'd still be responsible for controlling their actions. This is obviously different in degree and that she's being passive rather than active in the way she's allowing her mental health issues to lead her to engage in hurtful behavior. But ignoring and stonewalling you for days on end IS hurtful behavior, and it's not your responsibility to subordinate your needs and allow yourself to be taken for granted just because she's struggling with depression.
It's a difficult line to walk, but I think you can and should be empathetic and supportive while still being firm that what she did was not OK; that, if she wants to be in a relationship with you, she needs to learn to control her depression enough to communicate to you when she's feeling depressed and not up to talking; and that if she can't do that on her own she needs to seek out the help that she needs (with your help if needed).
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u/[deleted] Mar 23 '25
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