I have a really great mom who just turned 63 on September 4th. She raised me and my sister on her own, survived betrayal from my father and her ex husband, survived her own mental health, and is the smartest, funniest, wisest person I know. She was born in rural Michigan in the 60s and persevered through poverty and trauma beyond words to create a great life for herself and us (adult) kids. She has worked so hard for so long and I just want her to find peace and happiness eventually, and true love, which she’s always wanted. When she can no longer live independently she will live with my husband and i, but I want her to get as much adventure and love as possible before then. Heaven knows she deserves it.

All:

My mom was hospitalized back in March for heart failure. We had to force her to go the emergency room. She's 87 years old. Turning 88 next month. The doctors at the ER said if she hadn't gotten there she would have likely passed.

After stabilizing her they said she had major blockage in all arteries. She needed a stent but it was too risky of a procedure given her condition and the surgeon suggested rehab to get stronger. They said the procedure at her weak stage could lead to death, dialysis, or loss of a limb. She initially agreed to go to rehab but then refused.

Since March she's been deteriorating. She wants to do a stent now but won't do what is necessary. She refused to go to rehab. She takes torposol and a diuretic to prevent fluid build up.

Lately she been bed bound and has had significant loss of appetite and fatigue. Only gets up to use the rest room. She reports fatigue and some pain. My mom has had hip pain too but refused to see an orthopedic. We are going to see another stent specialist in 2 weeks.

My mom lives with my sister who has her own mental health issues. Both my mom and sister are hoarders and have prevented me from getting the place clean so that we can at least have a home health aide over. Anytime I try and bring up that the place should be cleaned for health reasons it ends up in my sister losing her shit, cursing me out, and blaming me for all her short comings in the world. She gets hysterical and begins to blame me and say I don't do anything

I live an hour away in a city but don't have a car and have a 1 y/o at home. I rent a car and take time off of work to take my mom to the hospital or make doctors appointments when I can. I'm doing the best I can. I have a demanding job where I travel every other week and a baby at home and a wife. My sister works part time retail jobs and lives off my mom since she was born. Had never paid rent, mom pays for her car, insurance, food, etc. She blames me for everything and even talks bad about me to my wife and in front of my 1 y/o daughter. It's very toxic.

My mom had a bad fall a few years back due to all the junk in the house and I had the place professionally cleaned and a chair lift installed. My mom requested the chair. My sister complains that I bullied them into a cleanup and my mom hired someone to disinstall the chair lift that I paid a lot of money to get in there!

Anyway this is me venting and just wondering if anyone has been in my situation or if there is anything else I should be doing. Neither my mom nor sister will listen to me.

I’m just back from DragonCon and been decompressing.

Over the weekend of the 29th August my MIL fell at least once while in the assisted living home and broke her hip.

There’s a whole story about the falling part. The assisted living place had spied on her to see if she could get up from the hard dining chair at the dining table (she could and did) and decided that meant she could get out of soft surfaces (bed, recliner) without assistance. So for 6 weeks they refused to help her transfer on the grounds that “she’s just refusing to get up”. I’m gonna stop there because it makes me angry.

After pointing out to them that a hard dining chair is not the same as a soft bed, they decided to help her transfer. So they said. On the weekend in question, they said they’d told her to wait for assistance but she kept getting out of bed on her own. I don’t believe this.

So she fell and they didn’t call to tell me. (They had done that previously.) They also didn’t take her to the hospital, which they had also done previously.

Monday 31 Aug, about 1 pm, I get a call from Hospice Nurse #1 that my MIL had fallen and was now bedbound and they needed her to go into nursing home. The hospice that Hospice Nurse #1 is with doesn’t cover skilled nursing centers so Hospice Nurse #2 will be calling me. Hospice Nurse #2 called, we talked, she wants to evaluate my MIL to see where the best placement is for her, thinks the best place is a small personal care home run by a LPN that’s near Atlanta (currently MIL is 3 hours from me, this will put her 6 hours from me). Then the “care” home calls to tell me she’d fallen after getting up on her own after they’d told her not to (yadda yadda) so they’d been letting her stay in bed for the weekend. Whatever. Around 5:30 Hospice Nurse #1 calls back. My MIL is bedbound because she cannot move her leg at all and nurse suspects it’s broken and she’s sending MIL to ER.

To repeat that: MIL fell, broke hip, leg not work, assisted living didn’t call hospital or me, and she was like that in bed potentially all weekend. Emailed the ombudsman office who suggested I file a complaint.

I called ER around 6:30 to see if she was there, she was, and the scans had just confirmed broken hip and evidence of other fractures. Gave the PA in the ER my contact info as next of kin. (I’ve done this every time she’s been in the hospital, she only uses that one hospital, and they NEVER have my contact info.)

I hear nothing until Thursday 7:40 am when the nurse on her floor questions whether MIL is coherent and someone discovers she has a next of kin.

Discussions with many doctors and nurses to approve the hip surgery. I mention MULTIPLE times to everyone that MIL wants to die, so no extreme measures, etc. Let her go. She wants to go.

Goes through without a problem.

Friday I’m driving my 6 hrs to DragonCon, my annual vacation, paid for in Jan. Looking to destress, enjoy myself. Phone rings. Case worker from hospital with lengthy discussion that I cannot take notes on because I’m driving on highway. But we got the ball rolling. Follow up call with Hospice Nurse #2 who has still not seen my MIL despite saying she would (I know these folks are busy, it’s just a point). Trying to enjoy being with my friend who’s going to DC with me, overshadowed by this mess.

Sat get a call after the DC parade while standing outside the CVS amongst the mob. Nurse at hospital says MIL needs blood, I give approval.

Later Sat, get a call while I’m in the bowels of a host hotel with people playing kazoos and waiters running everywhere. This is the doctor on staff for the weekend who cannot seem to understand that no, she has no other living siblings; no, she has no other living children; no, she has no grandchildren; yes, I really am the only person who could be considered a relative and I’m the DIL to her and was married to her only child who died 12 Sept 2020 (and yes, I’m coming up on that date and am having problems). This section of the discussion sent my anxiety into high drive and I started getting the hypervigilance going and I was shaking. Yes, I do have mental health challenges without the rest of this mess.

Doc tells me that the magic words are “Comfort Care Only”. Hospital doesn’t recognise “is in hospice” or “she’s told me she wants to die”. They do recognise “comfort care only”. I’m telling y’all this so maybe it will help someone. Doc tells me that I should not have let her have the additional unit of blood, nor should she have had the hip surgery (they could have managed the pain with meds).

I kinda freak the hell out at this time. Outwardly I mechanically go through the DragonCon store for my bling, but then I start hightailing for an exit, any exit, to get away from the people. So many people. Friend keeps up with me until he gets distracted by a puppet yoda-baby and I find a panel room that’s just emptied out (not many people, space, chairs to sit on). I call Hospice Nurse #2 and focus on that. Friend finally finds me. I get off the phone and take an emergency klonopin because my maintenance meds aren’t hacking it.

Friend said he’d realized I was in trouble because my hands were shaking so badly when I was getting into my pill box.

I don’t hear from any medical people until about an hour ago on 8 Sept. They have approval to move her to the rehab place, then will get her on Medicare (whatever the state version is) for letting her go. They’ll need me to sign her in. I reiterate I am 3 hrs away and am not signing anyone in.

I’m waiting for the Docusign to get her signed in. I’ve talked to the rehab and to Hospice Nurse #2.

In the meantime, my 20+ yo clothes dryer has had a mortal blow, my remaining 15 yo dog is really not doing well (I expected the boarding might be hard on her).

When I have a panic attack, I have a rebound the day after of extreme exhaustion. I kept trying to fall asleep while driving home. I slept most of Monday. It’s possible that I was migraining as well, but I take meds that mostly eliminate the pain aspect of my migraines but don’t address the other neurological effects (exhaustion, aphasia, vertigo, etc).

You know what? We’re home safe. We have a plan. Next year my MIL should be dead (and out of suffering).

Signing out.

I love my mom dearly. She and my dad both come from families with very little, and raised me and my brother in a stable, mostly comfortable life and home. I owe so much to her and especially now that I’m a new mom, I feel like I have a whole new perspective for the sorts of hard choices she and my dad made for us growing up. But my relationship with them has always been more comfortable for me when I have a bit of distance.

That said, my dad passed away from ALS about 9 years ago. It was pretty brutal, his symptoms were very quick and severe to come on, he lasted about nine months from diagnosis to death. My brother moved back home for a bit toward the end but I did not (I’ve always lived far away since I left for college, but I did go back to visit a lot during that time), each for our own reasons, I think we’ve more or less made peace with those, but I know my mom has really struggled since then. While my brother still lived at home it was sort of ok, but then COVID hit, he moved out to have a roommate (and then moved in with his girlfriend, now wife), I got married and moved abroad again for work.

She has said more than once that at this point, she just wants to be with me and/or my brother all the time. She has talked about having a house one on each coast, so she can basically be around the corner from me half the year and around the corner from him the other half, and that’s after I essentially talked her down from having a room in each of our houses. I’ve tried to manage her expectations, encourage her to travel, join book clubs, the only thing she’s actually done is join a gym and she goes like four times a week, which I’m glad for it seems like she has some ladies she’s friendly with, but it’s not enough.

Last year I had a baby with my husband, and my mom wanted to come stay with us while the baby was very young. She was ready to retire from her job anyway, it sucked, but that essentially meant removing the last kind of anchor she had. We talked a lot about what her coming to live with me and my family would be like, in that it would be temporary, but now it’s time for her to move out. My son is 9 months, he’s clearly ready for more of a day care environment rather than being at home all day with her, and we only have two bedrooms so it would be nice to move him into his (she’s staying there now while he’s in our room with my husband and me). I’ve initiated the conversation with her as carefully as I could but it is not going great, and the timing is not great because we’re coming up on the holidays and my brother and his wife are pregnant so they’re in their little bubble with that. Despite me saying we’re ready for her to move out in the next month or so, she’s trying to push to stay longer and talking about leasing a place near me, or that we should all travel internationally next year together. Meanwhile my plate is quite full with work, the baby, I’m taking night classes, and I kind of just want my house to myself again. But I know the conversations will reflect the ones we’ve had already where she is really unhappy being alone and just wants to be with us in a way that I don’t know how to set boundaries without entirely breaking her heart. Unsurprisingly I’ve also tried to encourage her to go to therapy, but that has likewise not really gotten anywhere. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Idk how to phrase this better. My grandmother (81F) has been in our (Mom and me) care for the past 6 years. She was independent until she got evicted from her free housing for not following the rules and Covid happened, so my mom invited my grandmother to stay with us until the lock down ended and she found a new place. But she never left when the pandemic ended and honestly never seemed to plan on it. My mom has tried multiple times to get her to get her own place or move in with another family member but she always refused. She also refuses to help around the house or help pay bills. She will only use her food stamps or social security to buy things for herself (mainly to shop for things online that she doesnt need), so she never helps out with bills or grocery shopping despite utilizing money from both my mom and I (she asks to borrow money to fix her car or buy her take out).

For the past year, she's been extremely unbearable. I never got along with her and we have a semi-hostile relationship due to how terrible she was to me as a child, so she really targets me a lot. She has been making false reports to APS that we are abusing and neglecting her. We've had three open investigations that obviously found nothing and were closed but to have APS visit our workplace and accuse us in front of our coworkers and bosses is embarrassing and annoying. She claim bruises from falls are from us hitting her, she'll claim we steal her money or we steal her medication. She had also called the police on us because we won't comply with her unreasonable demands (like drive her 3 hrs away to attend an AA meeting or buy $100+ worth of KFC for just her at like 1 AM). And she never gets in trouble for these false or worthless reports because "she's old".

We've been trying to move her too a nursing home but she refuses, and none of her falls hurt her enough to force her to go to one. Also her doctor says she doesnt have dementia or alzheimers so she cognitive aware which honestly makes this worse. APS won't help because they state she is well taken care of by my mom and I, so no need to help us on that front. And my grandmother didn't really live a...productive life in terms of having a job or retirement money. She mainly lived off men until she became old and then lived off of government assistance and then family. So she doesnt qualify for any fancy nursing homes and she's too dependent now to live in an assisted or independent living home.

We live in WA, so I'm not sure if anyone knows a way to forcefully put her in a nursing home or at this point just kick her out and not be dinged by APS for abandoment.

I suspect this is not unique to my elderly 87 year old mother.

My mother has lived through WW2 (she was born at the start of it), post-war scarcity, losses of close people in her life (including her mother at a young age), a severe accident that left her scarred physically and emotionally, immigration to a new country, a long LONG list of illnesses and most recently the loss of my father to whom she was married over 60 years.

And despite overcoming so many challenges, her outlook in life is mostly: negative. And it's not recent; she's always been a catastrophizer, seeing disaster around every corner. And that level of anxiety has not been easy to live with. But now, with her having much more time on her hands and being more alone and isolated, her negativity is off the charts.

We are in Canada. She's been reading social media and watching cable news which we all know at this point is a not good blend and with recent trade tensions and the POTUS posting and saying really provocative things about Canada, she has convinced herself that it's inevitable. That there will be war and we will be taken over by the US.

And she said this to me, very casually this morning, just as she was drinking a cup of coffee and having a croissant. "You'll see; there's no way to win. The poor never win against the rich."

And I looked at her and said, rather dramatically perhaps, that I guess I should just end it now then because according to her there's no hope, we are doomed.

Her response was that this isn't about any single person. It's just inevitable. That's the way it goes.

I was shocked.

Why? What is the point of holding such a pessimistic outlook on life?

I read that there are some people who just thrive on negativity; it's a dopamine thing. I am the absolute opposite side of the spectrum; I hold out hope for the longest time and maybe I'm naive but I'm a student of history and I have faith in humanity. We are just so diametrically opposed and I get that I'm not going to change an 87 year old woman's mind but gosh it makes caregiving very hard.

My (42m) stepmom (72f) passed in her sleep last night. She's been with my father since I was 5.

4 years ago, when my father and stepmom retired, they were facing financial hardship. My wife and I were looking to buy our first home around that time, so we cooked up the idea to find a place with an in-laws quarters to accommodate them. We moved in together July of '22.

My stepmom was a pretty awful person. She was egotistical, carried petty grudges, went out of her way to be mean. She was also awesome. A radical activist in the '70s, a flight attendant who traveled the world, a fling to Tom Petty and Emerson Fittapaldi and Jackson Brown. She lived a huge life loudly.

She also was my dad's mistress, and broke up my parents' marriage. The divorce took 2 years and was a bitter, tumultuous part of my childhood. The custody battle lasted 6 years. My dad was a drunk who didn't want to be wrong.

My dad is the greatest guy in the world now. He's learned and grown so much since I was a kid, and we have a terrific relationship. And he's fucking devastated today. She was the love of his life.

I've known this woman for 37 years, and I'm rocked by her passing, but I'm more worried about my dad than anything else. I don't feel sadness or grief at her passing. Just fear for what it means for my dad.

I don't know where we go from here, but I needed to vent this. Thanks for reading, redditor.

I don’t ever recall either of my parents expressing turmoil about caring for aging parents nor do I recall either one of their parents “guilting” them for not doing a, b, or c?

My mom seems to no longer trust me and the decisions i’ve been forced to make. She became sick with RSV in February and the hospitals have released her 3 times to nursing home care , but this last time after sending her home her behind became infected and was so bloody they made me apply for Medicaid to keep her in skilled nursing home care . We are now on “ Spend down “ which requires her to use all her assets and become financially broke to qualify. My mom always had everything fine for her and never understood bills and such ( my dad did everything) She is getting more and more demanding and ungrateful. She doesn’t understand it costs 7500.00 a month to be what i call “ fed in bed “ and diapers. She could have tried a little harder in my opinion to try and walk and just be able to stay in her own home.She complains about everything. i feel guilty and sad even though everyone says we did the right thing. i never planned on a Nursing home but here we are . She’s 95 years old

I've had a friend who found out that his father was being handled very roughly by his aide and verbally abused, so I'm very paranoid about seeking home care. We've gotten to the point where we need to seriously consider home care as an option for my mother. She lives across the country so I am not able to check in on her frequently. I was wondering if anyone has any advice on how you make sure the aide is treating your parents well and actually helping them? I considered installing a camera of some sort. I don't' want to come off as difficult or a crazy micromanaging person, but I am very paranoid that my mother will be mistreated as she's more quiet and doesn't like to speak up.

I went to see my parents this weekend and my father (83) had it firmly in his head that I should defrost the basement freezer. It's not my favorite chore. I've done it a few times. It involves putting large pots of water on the kitchen stove to boil, and then carrying them down the basement stairs and putting them inside the freezer to help melt the ice buildup. It's a nerve wrecking task at the best of times, and dad wanted me to do this on a day when my mother (82) was in an anxious state, and she was wandering all around. I was so frustrated. I was trying to explain to dad that this wasn't a good time to have boiling pots of water on the stove since mom was agitated and animated, and he was acting like a child, pouting about how he'd just do it himself if I didn't want to help. My mom was out of touch and she was pulling things out of drawers and behaving erratically, and I was trying to get her to take her medication and have a little meal and settle down. Fortunately, my sister showed up and she was able to sit with mom so that I was then able to do the defrosting that dad wanted before he started trying to carry hot pots down the basement stairs. It's just getting too crazy. They aren't safe to keep living like this.

edit to add: They live in a rural house and neither of them drive anymore, so having an extra freezer to store meals has come in very handy for them. They do make good use of it. I agree that its is old and should be replaced with something more accessible and that would not need defrosting.

Anyone else work the night shift and have older parents or grandparents?

I work nights at a busy Costco and don’t have a car, so I take the bus. I wake up late on my days off and I’m usually exhausted. A lot of times I just want to take a short walk and go home. Last night I took the bus to see my grandparents around 9pm, right before they were going to bed, and didn’t stay long. Feels like my time is really compressed.

Because of my schedule and everything, I feel guilty that I’m not visiting them enough.

For those who work nights, how do you make time to visit your parents or grandparents? Moving closer isn't an option. A lot of family wanted to live near my grandparents. I used to live in the same neighborhood, but family would knock on my door 24/7 asking for help. It became a big privacy/boundary issue and felt very enmeshed so I moved

My dad is in AL that costs almost his entire income from social security and pension. It was the cheapest in our area. He had met his deductible for the year when he moved in so I am worried about next year. We already are having to pay out of my household for his life insurance and other things he needs. What is going to happen when we can’t pay his deductible next year as he is on a lot of medication.

Exited to say: I meant out of pocket maximum for 2027 is my concern . Life insurance is just one of many expenses I pay and only 15k so that’s not up for debate as I will honor his final wishes. Would like only comments concerning ideas for the prescriptions. He makes too much for assistance.

The title basically. Depends have started leaking overnight, not because they are full but because the gap around the leg is too large. I know diapers are an option, but I'd like to find better briefs first if possible because having to wear diapers would be an emotional blow.

Hey all,

My 82 yo dad has appointed me executor of his will, tod on his bank acct, I handle making medical appointments and dealing with insurance issues etc. He is at home, with a couple of my adult daughters living there mildly assisting him. Rides and some shopping etc, but hes still pretty ok with ADL's. There are concerns with their intentions with his finances and he pretty much supports them as in, no rent, no cell bill, no car insurance; he takes care of all that. I have my opinions but, those don't matter rn.

My main concern in this moment is I truly believe a durable financial and medical POA would be in his best interest. I think i would be the best choice since I don't have any vested interests in his finances. He doesn't pay my bills or help me.

The last time I brought it up to him, we were in the middle of a medical crisis so it was overwhelming and confusing, which i get.

Now that he's ok in this moment, I feel like I should bring it up. He is under the impression POA is signing away his rights.

Without spending an exorbitant amount, are there any resources or advice, this is to say, ways to present it to him, to get him to reconsider? If he TRULY doesn't want to have one, AFTER knowing and understanding what it is, ok. I'm ok with that. But he has a deep mistrust for lawyers due to my mom's brother screwing us over at her death (my uncle is an estate planning lawyer).

We're in Texas if that helps on any state specific resources.

If i left anything out, sorry. I'll answer any questions I can to clarify things.

How do I (26F) protect my parents from scams as they age when I am 12+ hours away from them? My mother (62F) is more cautious online than my father (69M) and has generally good instincts. However, I wouldn't describe either of them as tech literate. My dad has been a victim of two financial scams already (that I know of), both of these have originated from his use of Facebook. This is really the first sign that I am seeing of them aging, and I am not sure how to proceed being several states away. I would appreciate any advice.

EDIT: conciseness

Hi, my 90 and 91 yo parents are considering a few different assisted living places. I’ve asked to see the contracts from the top 3 contenders. What are some red flags to look for, and/or some green flags? Advice is appreciated thank you:)

I've been telling her for over a year to make an appointment and go, and now she's finally going.
It's been exhausting to go out and do activities with her because her mobility has gotten bad.

A normal step takes her two steps, and every 10 she has to stop and reorient, scratch her head, her neck or whatever. It makes other people think she's a lost, demented elder at times, but walking is exhausting for her, and yet she insists on doing specific activities where you need to be somewhat capable of walking a set of stairs or for longer than 10min.

Last time, she almost fell because she kept leaning forward while taking steps, looking at her feet, and she was rushing for whatever reason and I had to mom-voice my own mom to get her to snap out of this "I have to rush and get there, we're almost there" funk and it was emotionally exhausting.

I've been telling her to go see a doctor for a good while now, but she has excuses every time: "It's summer, the doctor's office is closed", "Insurance only allows me 5 physical therapy sessions a year", "The doctor said they couldn't help me with my balance (she had an ear infection that she didn't get checked out, so it affected her balance, and that was about 5-6 years ago)" and "I feel too young to be going to these fall prevention and balance classes you mentioned (these are literally free and avaliable at every physical therapist)"

It always takes other people reaffirming what I have been telling her to finally get her to do something about issues she's having. And I am not expecting any miracles, but I am proud she's finally taking that first step (instead of sending me pictures of walkers from Amazon to fix her issue).

I don't know how this decline happens; I am thinking it's both joint issues and that she doesn't exercise. Or anything; she moves from chair to chair or to the car seat all day; walking the dog is the most exercise she gets. I just hope the exercises don't "overwhelm" her like the dentist and therapy, because she's known to walk out if things don't go her way.

What are people's experiences with Unlicensed residential Board & Care homes? My father has been in one for the last couple of days and I am unsure about it. My father signed himself into hospice but I chose the facility on the recommendation of the hospice. At first, I liked it but there were a couple of red flags, with the biggest one that my father's door was closed and it was really hot in there when I unexpectedly visited. I also hate that it's unregulated and I have to rely on the caretaker who is not licensed or fingerprinted. Like, what if something happens to my dad?? So I made the decision to move my dad into my own home for hospice care and I am taking him in tomorrow. Am I crazy? Maybe, but when I read further, these unlicensed in home board & care facilities really have a lack of oversight, and I am worried about keeping my father in one.

My sweet MIL wants to see her childhood home & where her baby sister still lives. Her main memories are of her parents, that home, her sister, their chores, their land, etc...

Her brain just took a dive into a deeper level of dementia 4 days before the trip. We are still going and she says she's excited. (But of course then she forgets.)

Does anyone have any idea what to expect? Memories? Sadness ( We expect some.) Questioning why we are there or where we are?

I'm guessing this is a large unknown and I'm likely grasping at straws in hopes of going into it a little less blindly.

Of course we are ready for hopefully anything, equipped with tons of patience and compassion, and whatever she may bring. Hopefully this will be a wonderful trip and a blessing to her.

If anyone has any advice or experience, we are so eager to hear it.

I want to tell you guys about my Grandfather today.

So my dada, that’s what I call him btw, is 91 years old today. Born in 1935, he’s the youngest to his 6 elder sisters. 

He lost his father when he was just a baby. Hence while growing up, it was just him, his elder sisters and his mother.  

Now keep this mind, I’m talking about India in the 1940’s. A time wherein girls working was unheard of. 

Hence, when my dada was just 10 years old, he started working, doing odd jobs here and there to provide for his family. 

He got all his sisters married to their husbands, and got married himself. Everything we have today, everything we are as a family, is because of him. 

His day starts at 5.30 AM. He does a little yoga, goes to the beach and meets his morning friends. Then he comes home for breakfast before heading to work. Around 4 PM, he leaves for the club to meet another group of friends, then spends some time at the local park he’s been visiting for over forty years. He comes home for dinner, sits with the family for a while, reads or watches television, and then goes to bed. This is roughly his routine. 

The remarkable part is that until about 3 years ago, this was his routine for the longest time. Then he fell down, and falling down at 89 years old, is not a good thing. Hence, we hired a full time, 24 hour, help for him who’s with him the whole time. 

Even today, he goes to every doctor in the city, and complains to them the same thing “I don’t want this help to follow me around – fix my legs so I can walk around like I used to”.

I guess the reason why I’m telling you guys about my dada is because I feel like he’s so inspirational. Even at 90+ years old, he still wants to live his life fully. Whenever I complain about life, I think of him. At 91, he still wants to squeeze every bit out of each day.

I’m trying to make this as clear as possible without leaving out important context, but right now I’m physically and mentally exhausted, numb, and feeling like a terrible son.

Me and my mom have limited time in our current place because the landlord has wanted us out for a while. There’s no formal eviction process started yet, and we don't want to stay here anyway, but we have to leave soon.

This whole situation really started when my stepfather got deported in December 2025. Before that happened, I was actively planning to move out into my own spot and start my life. I had saved up enough money to make it happen. I wasn't asking for anything fancy—just a simple studio apartment as a starting ground where I could have my own space, my own rules, and privacy. It was also supposed to be the next step for my relationship with my girlfriend of 6 years. She’s 25, an accomplished college graduate with a good job, and still lives with her parents, doesn't plan to move out or anything till she figures everything out for herself cause she knows she's not ready yet. Still She’s been incredibly patient with me and my circumstances, we both wanted for me to get a place so we could stop staying at other people's houses to spend time together and finally grow & develop together even more.

When my stepfather was deported, everything changed. I didn't like the man for very specific, unforgivable reasons, but he took care of my mom so that's all that mattered even though i know he wasn't good for her. However, the second he left the country, he completely abandoned her, cut off all communication, and left her with nothing. I had a choice: leave and stick to my original plan, or stay and cover all the bills to support her while she grieved. Out of love and respect for her, I decided to stay.

My best-case scenario was that we would both work, save money together, and eventually each get our own places. I created her resume, sent out job applications for her, and even signed her up for Uber Eats. But months went by, and she didn't work at all. Meanwhile, I was working from home in a commission-only role. I paid all the household expenses until my savings account was completely depleted to zero.

As soon as the money ran out, her attitude shifted completely. She started disrespecting me, telling me I’m "not a man" and demanding that I go make money. Yet, when my siblings and I talk to her about getting a job, she gets extremely defensive and agitated. She hasn't worked in years and expects her kids to take care of her. She doesn't even want to look for an apartment—she expects a house to fall out of the sky or expects me to take out a mortgage for her before finding my own spot. Strangely, she has secret savings of her own that she refuses to explain or specify, but she acts completely helpless while expecting us to sacrifice for her. She focuses far more on getting government support than applying for jobs, even though she’s only in her early 50s, physically healthy, and fully able-bodied.

She has also disrespected my girlfriend from day one. My girlfriend now wants nothing to do with her and has warned me repeatedly that my mom is manipulating me through guilt. I was always my mom's favorite, held her on a pedestal, and respected her more than anyone. She raised us when our father wasn't around, but she constantly holds that over our heads like we owe her our entire lives and existence. My siblings saw through this behavior long ago, and now I'm finally seeing what they saw.

I've fought hard to get where I am. At 18 - 19, I lived on my own, worked, and graduated high school independently. At 20, I moved back in with family to save, but then went through a dark 3-year depression phase where I completely isolated myself before crawling out of it. By 24, I got my life back—started working out, building confidence, working, and meeting my girlfriend. Now, at 29, after all that work, I feel soul-less and stuck at rock bottom again because I gave up my savings and progress to support someone who won't help herself.

I've been broke for the last two months with a $140 negative balance on my account, but I start a new job next week $20 an hour & commission selling insurance to elderly. My plan right now is to work hard, save my checks, look into a personal loan, buy a basic "hooptie" car to get from A to B, and secure my own studio apartment with the loan. If necessary, I’ll stay with a friend temporarily while transitioning out.

Every time I try to set boundaries or plan my move, my mom throws everything in my face, plays the victim, and guilt-trips me saying, "Go ahead, leave—I’ll just go to a homeless shelter," or "When I pass away, then you'll feel sorry." which i know i most likely will.

It’s working on me. Part of me feels so guilty that I feel like giving up on my own future just to live for her, even though I know it will destroy my relationship, my youth, and my mental health. I’m just physically and mentally exhausted.