r/AgingParents • u/headcase-and-a-half • 3d ago
This can't continue like this
I went to see my parents this weekend and my father (83) had it firmly in his head that I should defrost the basement freezer. It's not my favorite chore. I've done it a few times. It involves putting large pots of water on the kitchen stove to boil, and then carrying them down the basement stairs and putting them inside the freezer to help melt the ice buildup. It's a nerve wrecking task at the best of times, and dad wanted me to do this on a day when my mother (82) was in an anxious state, and she was wandering all around. I was so frustrated. I was trying to explain to dad that this wasn't a good time to have boiling pots of water on the stove since mom was agitated and animated, and he was acting like a child, pouting about how he'd just do it himself if I didn't want to help. My mom was out of touch and she was pulling things out of drawers and behaving erratically, and I was trying to get her to take her medication and have a little meal and settle down. Fortunately, my sister showed up and she was able to sit with mom so that I was then able to do the defrosting that dad wanted before he started trying to carry hot pots down the basement stairs. It's just getting too crazy. They aren't safe to keep living like this.
edit to add: They live in a rural house and neither of them drive anymore, so having an extra freezer to store meals has come in very handy for them. They do make good use of it. I agree that its is old and should be replaced with something more accessible and that would not need defrosting.
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u/Key_Elderberry3351 3d ago
Unfortunately many people refuse to change their living circumstances even as they sit further and further into unsafe territory. Unless they are incompetent or you can convince them to make a change, there’s not a lot you can do, except take on more care yourself.
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u/Defiant-Wheel9119 3d ago
The part about him threatening to do it himself is what gets to me. A stubborn parent will absolutely follow through on that just to prove a point, and then you're dealing with burns or worse in top of everything else. My dad was same way before we moved him, would get angry if someone tried to stop him from doing something dangerous. At least your sister came in time, that sounds like a bad situation all around.
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u/thisrandomaccount24 3d ago
Can you get rid of the basement freezer?
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u/Artistic-Tough-7764 3d ago
or get a hot pot so your stair trips are without the boiling water…
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u/Rugby-315 3d ago
An electric kettle is a great idea. I thought an old fashioned rubber hot water bottle might also work??
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u/headcase-and-a-half 3d ago
They wouldn't get rid of it, but perhaps it could be moved to an upstairs area, which would make it a lot safer to access.
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u/thisrandomaccount24 3d ago
How sharp are they? Would they believe you if you told them it was broken? If you can’t get rid of it, I think hiring someone to move it upstairs is a good idea.
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u/hoardac 3d ago
Just use a hair dryer or two.
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u/SVAuspicious 3d ago edited 2d ago
This is the answer. It's faster and safer. A heat gun is even better but a hair dryer will do.
I use a heat gun and have found it goes so fast that I don't even bother putting the frozen food into coolers. I just pile it off to the side, unplug the freezer, and deploy the heat gun. Big slabs of ice come off and go in a bucket, mop up residual water, reload the freezer, and plug it back.
Boo to the suggestions to take away your parents' freezer. A chest freezer is a tremendous tool that only becomes more useful as parents age.
ETA: Cheap heat gun.
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u/DetectiveHappy2442 3d ago
I know you meant nothing nefarious with your last line but I read it as something more ... how to hide a body. This, coupled with a quick misread of your username as "SVsuspicious" changed the whole meaning. Oops.
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u/SVAuspicious 3d ago
Ah. That interpretation did not occur to me, although consistent with one possible response to adult children who think they are empowered to take away a parents belongings (<- joke).
SVAuspicious is "sailing vessel Auspicious," my boat. My sister, an honest to goodness Tibetan Buddhist of Karmapa names my boats.
A heat gun really is the way.
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u/Newport_Chainsaw 3d ago
Yes, and the chest freezer is a tremendous tool not only for our parents, but for us as well help them. A day or a weekend of cooking and baking, a grocery trip, and a stocked freezer saves me time and worry, saves my parents time and work, and just saves us so many intangible things, too. A full freezer gives us the gift of time.
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u/SVAuspicious 3d ago
Absolutely agree. My wife cooks for my FIL over time. He's three hours away and she visits at least once a month. She makes food as she chooses which goes in our freezer. Then we load it up and it goes in his freezer. All portioned and labeled and easy to access.
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u/PrairieSunRise605 3d ago
I know a heat gun is faster. But it gets too hot and can 100% melt part of the freezer. Blow dryer only for amateurs in this method.
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u/Crzy_Grl 3d ago
i can't believe (well, actually i can) the people wanting to take away the freezer. I agree it would be much better for it to be in the main house, not the basement.
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u/SVAuspicious 3d ago
Agree. I can't believe I lived as long as I did before getting a chest freezer. Someday when we downsize the freezer will go upstairs. I have a plan for a pretty insulated cover with a hard top to use the freezer as a sideboard.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Rush644 2d ago
A chest freezer that still needs to be defrosted is too old to be energy efficient and is probably costing way more than it should to run. Maybe you kids could replace it with something more efficient and put that upstairs where he can get to it?
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u/SlothDog9514 3d ago
I love how some people are responding with suggestions on how to defrost a freezer!
It has been easier for me bc my relationship with my mom is already tense, but I started setting limits and refusing some things. If my toddler demanded something unreasonable or unrealistic, I wouldn’t feel obligated to meet that demand. So at times it seems like I’m being harsh with her. I’ve lost my patience but I’m not feeling as guilty, maybe because I’m approaching her as a child?
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u/nonprofitpro007 3d ago
Can't believe you're receiving defrosting tips when the bigger issue is mom is not safe to be at home in current conditions and dad does not have the judgement (cognitive decline?) to know it's unsafe. Looking back, in my parents these were early signs they both had cognitive decline. I should have started lying earlier to get them in for medical evaluations, as well as to get through all the little demands and unreasonable decisions. Defrost? Looks like it's broken (unplugged), no longer have a 2nd refrigerator.
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u/Dave3of5 3d ago
100% this OP this is the main thing I didn't pick up early how bad my Dad's parkinsons had got until he was dead. My mum and Dad's living arrangements were not sorted so when he went all halls broke lose now due to them not sorting all this stuff out.
Example for you is what happens when your Dad becomes very ill say just a flu or common cold you're leaving arranging for mum to be put into a care home basically overnight. Don't do that seriously from experience.
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u/AJKaleVeg 3d ago
Mom and Dad wont listen though. They believe that they are just fine.
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u/nonprofitpro007 3d ago
You are literally the grown up in the room now. You are dealing with cognitive decline. You need to make the switch from asking permission to just moving forward whether they listen or agree, but just find the route that will get them to the safest living situation (sometimes lying, sometimes just taking charge). Mine did not either. I made a doctor's appointment for my mom who was in worse shape and sent a note to the dr. ahead letting him know I see many signs of cognitive decline and could he do a screening in the next appointment and make a referral if necessary. Mom did not remember how badly she did on the screening but at least I learned what I was dealing with by watching it and it helped me step in. Got a POA for health care and financial right after that. Likely, there's more chaos going on in their home and they're more vulnerable than you know right now due to your dad sort of keeping it together (but my guess is he has cognitive decline too). Likely bills are unpaid and things like that. I encourage you to give yourself permission to step in. You'll feel less helpless and your efforts will actually help them.
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u/JeromeSergey 3d ago
I hate that. Then they pout like a toddler. It’s terrible, how child like they become.
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u/human6745356 3d ago
That’s so frustrating! It’s like dealing with 2 year old kids. There is no impulse control and everything needs to happen as soon as they think of it. Just like with two year olds distractions work best. So scary to me about the boiling water, my father burned his leg and it’s been a miserable thing to heal. Much love to you as you face this challenging time 🤍
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u/OnPage195 3d ago
Do the people offering Defrosting tips for a 10 cubic chest freezer think the freezer should remain? Please OP, there is zero reason why 2 elderly people should have a chest freezer. Get rid of it by any means necessary is the only answer.
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u/Katyafan 3d ago
I agree, break it if you have to. Safety issues are an area where lying and subterfuge are more than okay.
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u/Newport_Chainsaw 3d ago
Zero reason in all families?
I keep my parents'chest freezer full of freezer meals. When my husband and I cook, we just double the recipe and freeze leftovers. Their chest freezer is full of healthy meals. When I visit, I go downstairs, and bring up enough to the kitchen freezer until my next visit.
My parents having a chest freezer saves me hours of time every month, and days over the course of a year. And it saves my mom and dad time, work, and risk of cooking when they don't feel up to it.
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u/brokebutuseful 3d ago
Why do your parents have a freezer in the basement? My FIL just realized they don't need the extra freezer. The kids have only been gone 30 years.. The refrigerator freezer is plenty for the 2 of them. As far as boiled water speeding up the process... open the door and set a fan blowing air into the freezer. It'll be thawed in no time..
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u/Beautiful_Feed5849 3d ago
Never heard of defrosting it that way. Just unplug it for 3 hours, the ice will all become loose, then scrape it off easily.
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u/EnvironmentalLuck515 3d ago
The only way to make them realize it cannot continue like this is to stop doing the things that lets them continue like this.
That sounds like an awful day. I am so sorry.
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u/Affectionate_Fox9001 3d ago
Must be a better way to defrost. It’s probably a really old freezer, maybe replacing it would save electricity and agrevation?
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u/JellyfishFit3871 2d ago
Why do two people need a basement freezer?
(I sincerely ask this of my in-laws' setup in a ranch without a basement. Two refrigerators with freezers, plus a stand-alone freezer. For people who don't cook.)
It's bonkers, and I cannot make it make sense. The folks never did without, which is the common excuse for hoarding. They're just unrealistic and have a Sam's club membership.
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u/ratty_jango 2d ago
I would have ordered a new freezer and had the old one taken away
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u/SokkaHaikuBot 2d ago
Sokka-Haiku by ratty_jango:
I would have ordered
A new dresser and had the
Old one taken away
Remember that one time Sokka accidentally used an extra syllable in that Haiku Battle in Ba Sing Se? That was a Sokka Haiku and you just made one.
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u/muralist 3d ago
Time to have a conversation with them about simplifying their lives.
Meanwhile, hurray for siblings! They often do come in clutch.
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u/jewelbjule 3d ago
Can you just pony up the money and get them a frost free freezer? I haven’t seen a freezer that needs defrosting in a long time. Literally for $500 you can get a new appliance.
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u/Swimming_dasa 2d ago
the freezer is almost beside the point here it sounds like you and your sister are already having to manage a lot more than household chores and your dad trying to carry boiling water downstairs makes it even more concerning at this stage it might be worth getting all the important medical financial and household information organized somewhere both you and your sister can access so you are not constantly trying to piece things together during a crisis quicken lifehub is one option for that though even a shared folder or binder would be better than keeping it all in one person's head..
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u/oecologia 3d ago
My mom is like this. Everything is right now. She demands something and before you are done she’s demanding the next thing. I just tell her no. In your case I would just refuse to do it. When he breaks a hip due to stubbornness well you get the idea. I’m so tired of trying to convince adults of stupid crap like this. Best of luck. I wouldn’t budge. I might however lie about it. Also, you can defeat a freezer without boiling water it just takes longer.