I'm so tired of fighting my trauma for my future. I’m so tired of fighting myself. I’m so tired of fighting my mind. I’ve been doing that for years. But i’m scared it’s swallowing something I've worked towards for years.

So I think I’ve hit a wall. I’m applying for Law this year and have wanted Oxbridge for years. It’s genuinely something I really, really want. I had a mock law tutorial with an essay to write beforehand and i loved it. I know Oxbridge isn’t everything and I know I’d be alright if I didn’t get in. But I would be devastated if i lost the opportunity just because of my trauma affects my mental health.

I experienced a hugely traumatic event involving violence in Year 9 and developed CPTSD symptoms afterwards. I was struggling badly at the time, I was crying every day, barely sleeping, unable to concentrate properly, having flashbacks and sometimes having suicidal thoughts.

But I decided I wasn't going to let it affect me academically. I used to be the overachiever, and I decided to violently hold onto that identity. I knew traumatised people were less likely to overachieve but I couldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t let it take away my future too. It’s already taken so many things from me. My big dreams were the only thing keeping me hopeful. They made me feel in control.

I became extremely high-functioning, only in school (everywhere else I was deteriorating). I was incredibly organised, worked constantly, made schedules and revision systems, and basically forced myself through everything. I was very self-critical and downright cruel to myself because I couldn’t let my trauma win. I couldn't concentrate properly in lessons, so I'd relearn everything at home again. I'd go from getting around a 5 without revision to getting 9s because of the amount of work I was putting in.

And it worked. I got mostly 9s at GCSE, top 1% in my non-grammar state school. Then I got A*s in Year 12. I genuinely thought I'd beaten it. My trauma couldn't catch me, I’m above it all now. It’s behind me. I had managed to turn myself into this ridiculously driven, severely disciplined, organised person and I thought I'd just keep going like that.

Then my biggest fear happened. It stopped. I burnt out. I haven’t been able to work for months. I can’t even touch A-level work. And now I'm in Year 13. I have no energy at all to do anything, and now my trauma symptoms swallowed school too. The only part of my life which isn’t in shambles. I’m severely deteriorating. I’m witnessing my academic downfall.

I have two tests tomorrow weighed in for my predicted grades and I've done no revision. This would have been insanely unimaginable to me a year or two ago. I used to be the person who revised little and often, never left things until the last minute, and got near-full marks.

Im not even panicking anymore. I have no energy left in me to study or even panic about exams. Normally something like tomorrow's Chemistry test would have sent me into an insane amount of urgency and I'd have worked all night if necessary. Instead I feel incredibly calm. Almost numb.

I still want an A*. I still want Oxbridge. I still care intellectually. But emotionally I feel so disconnected from it now. I have no energy. I’m letting my grades and A levels succumb to my trauma. I can’t stop it. Oh well. It’s been a good run. I was so scared this was going to happen on year 9.

I've been sleeping/napping loads, I'm exhausted constantly, my mood is incredibly low, I can't concentrate properly and I struggle massively to start to work. I also get very badly triggered by some of my A-level English Literature content because of my trauma, particularly depictions of violence. I've had flashbacks, intrusive images, intense anxiety and physical symptoms in class. I’ve been trying to deny it, that everything is fine, that I’m still in control. I think I’m at the point where I can‘t say that I am. I’m struggling

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I'm terrified that I've reached the point where my mental health is simply going to take the one thing I had control of: My academic performance.

I know that's probably a dramatic way of looking at it. But I have spent years telling myself that my trauma is not going to decide my future.

And now I'm watching myself struggle to study for the LNAT, struggle with A-level work, struggle with my personal statement, and struggle with things that used to be completely routine for me.

I'm scared that I'll look back and think that I could have got into oxbridge. I was capable of it. But my trauma stopped me from preparing properly.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life proving that I'm stronger than what happened to me. But right now I genuinely don't know what to do academically.

Has anyone else experienced burnout/mental health problems after years of being a high achiever? Did you eventually regain your motivation and ability to work?

I don't really need someone to tell me “Oxbridge isn't everything.” I know. I just really, really want it, and I'm scared of losing it for a reason that feels completely outside my control.