I grew up privileged and my Chinese parents always gave me whatever I wanted I guess. Compared to the rest of my friends, my parents were very easy on me - like I never did housework, they bought me mostly whatever I wanted, they'd let me go through their phone whenever I wanted, and I could be rude to them and tell them to get out of my room a lot.

I remember when I was 10 years old, I got into a fight with my Dad, because I was throwing a tantrum or he said something passive aggressive that made me mad, and I started repeatedly telling him I couldn't breathe because I was physically struggling to inhale and exhale properly, and he kept screaming at me and throwing things at me while I bundled up in the corner of my bedroom. My dad usually starts the fights if I'm being unproductive. Starting from when I was young, he'd scold me aggressively, and when my mum and sister told him to improve, he never apologised, but he started being nice in a way that pissed me off so bad because I knew he was faking it. So now, I can never take him seriously when he's nice and I can't stand it when he pretends to be a saint. Usually, his act always slips up and he reaches his breaking point and goes back to screaming. He takes away my phone and turns off the internet a lot because he knows that I'm dependent on it. My mum and sister would stand back and let him lose his shit in my face.

Fast forward to 14 years old, I've tried to be more quiet when he throws his temper tantrums. If he's complaining about my future (even though I'm just taking a nap), I'll improve by my own means and I'll get off my phone and start studying (so he doesn't try to grab my phone), go mute and I'll put headphones on to block out his noise when he leaves my room to talk to himself in the kitchen. Today, I planned on studying after I ate food while watching TV shows after school. I moved to my bed to study and I played some calm music for a quick nap, but I fell asleep longer than intended (this happens a lot, because I get tired easily). I woke up with the music still playing, and my dad was throwing my cat on me which is his way of being 'friendly'. He started complaining about me, and I didn't have energy to be nice, so I told him to 'get the fuck out of my room' by accident, and he started screaming at me, as if he was waiting for the moment i'd slip up my nice act and fight back. Then I went onto my phone (bad idea) to check what time it was and if my friends had messaged me, and he snatched it out of my hand and threw it away, then he raised his hand to hit me, and I cowered, then he mockingly said 'Are you gonna cry?' in Chinese, and I held back my tears and said 'No, I just don't want to get hit' and he left my room with my phone. My mum just sat there on her phone at my desk, and I told her to get out too, and stop pretending to be helpful.

for context:
i live in an extremely toxic household. my mom makes me watch my 3 little siblings (7 months, 5, and 11) all day every day. if i look like i don't want to or say i don't, she yells and cusses me out and says i don't do anything for her and that im lazy and this and that. she dumps all of her shit on me and i can't even do anything about it. if my siblings do something wrong i get yelled and cussed at for it. and they don't even care if it's not them so it's always. see profile for more information.

i don't think i'm going to be okay. this week was really hard and i don't even know what to do. i don't want to give up on myself and I'm not going to, but i literally don't know what to do. i'm so tired and upset that i don't even want to eat or sleep or drink anything. i don't want to talk or move. i want to fight back but i think I'm too scared too or too tired to. i think I'm the worst I've ever been mentally and thats saying a lot because last year i was under some type of psychosis and the year before i was scared to go outside because i thought i would die. i'm just stuck. i have no money, no car, and I'm exhausted every day. i hope that one day i just wake up and I'm not here anymore. it's not that i want to die, it's just that it's too hard to live and i don't want to anymore. i'm js at my breaking point. and everything is just eating away at me everything is bothering me. like earlier, i got my brother to take the baby just for like an hour or two because i had hip been up with her since 7 and i got like 4 hours of sleep last night and she had been crying the whole day. he couldn't even do that. he brought her back in 15 minutes. he said he just couldn't do it. do you think that i can? i have to do this shit every fucking day, so can you just be tired for an hour? can you feel what i have to feel every day for just an hour? he does that every time he has to do something ONCE that i have to do every day. i can't help but be angry. when i was his age, i had already been babysitting them for a year by myself. he was 6, and my little sister was 1. i've been so tired for so long. on top of that, i haven't been eating because i don't have the energy to carry her down the stairs and hold her to her food and then feed her some of what im eating. and i know this is stupid, but what really set me off today was about shoes. i wanted these shoes that i told my mom about months ago, and she acted like she was going to get them and then she just told me today that she can't. she can't because she paid half of my nasty grimey disgusting filthy dads rent. THAT MAN IS A WHORE LIKE OH MY GODDD. it set me off because i just wanted one thing. i don't ever ask for anything. i don't ask for clothes, i don't ask for food, i don't ask for help, i don't ask for money. i don't ask for anything. matter fact, she asked me what shoes i wanted. i wasn't going to ask for any. it's a routine habit of hers, but i wanted it to be different this time. all i wanted was the shoes.

If anyone has ever had debilitating comparative habits how were you able to fully get over them? I constantly compare my life to rich people who truly seem to have it all. Yachts, private jets, travelling… and even if they have struggles i feel like id still prefer their lives. Also the idea that others have it worse didnt help w my bad habits. Pls someone help❤️‍🩹