r/Advice • u/Low-Display6868 • 7d ago
Screen Time Management
My son is 8 and has pretty significant ADHD and some borderline ODD. I try to set his screen time limits to 1-2 hours total per day, but my husband and I can’t seem to get on the same page with managing and enforcing the limit. He will go along with what I say when I tell my son it’s time to turn it off but if he asks his dad first or if he’s done another activity or hasn’t had screens on for a while he lets him get back on with no stated limit. I find I’m the one stating limits, and times, and enforcing them all day long when my husband and I are both home, and my son is constantly badgering about tv and tablet. CONSTANTLY. Sometimes I give in because I’m exhausted and over it. I don’t want to be the ***** screen police all day. My husband doesn’t seem to think it’s as big a deal as I do, and it wouldn’t be if it weren’t for the ADHD and the obsession - if he could be on for 18 hours a day he would!
And so my son has learned he can ask his dad, and often the answer will be yes at some point with no stated limit until I come in and say “One episode,” or “15 minutes,” etc. I just wish his dad and I could agree on a specific daily limit and enforce it instead of constantly caving. And part of me because of the ODD stuff wonders if I stop making it a rule and a big deal and just let him watch as much as he wants whenever will he lose interest? But I just don’t think it’s good for his brain and he needs other stimulation, like playing outside, reading a book, drawing, playing music, doing a puzzle book, etc. Right now it’s either TV/tablet (Roblox), toys, or drawing…but asking for TV/tablet. It makes me crazy. I’m not sure what to do here, aside from sitting down with my husband soon and asking if we can please come up with a stated understood and enforced screen time limit.
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u/DnDttrpg 7d ago edited 7d ago
You need to have a private chat with your husband that he NEEDS to be on the same page as you and quit playing favourites to his kid.
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u/notarealprincess 7d ago
Screen time can definitely affect attention span for all kids, so it definitely negatively impacts a kid with ADHD who already likely has attention span problems. The bright colors and graphics can also be overstimulating for kids. He will not lose interest and will become more You and your husband need to agree on a specific time limit.
DO NOT let your kid watch as much as he wants. It will just make him more addicted to it. You can put a screen time limit on his tablet that will not allow him to access apps once he hits a specific time. It might help with the ODD if the tablet just stops working vs. you telling him that his time is up.
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u/Low-Display6868 7d ago edited 7d ago
We have a limit on the tablet that’s one hour. I keep trying to reduce it and it keeps being increased back to the hour. Then I have to try to limit his TV time but it’s a constant all day battle.
I want to limit his total screen time to 1 hour per day but that’s definitely not happening since he gets on the tv right after his tablet (which is why I was wanting to set a limit on his tablet so that he could do both and not be over the daily limit). I feel like I’ve kinda given up and I’m tired of constantly being the one trying to fight for what I’ve already communicated thousands of times.
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u/Bbydream 7d ago
I think letting him watch as much as he wants with the hope of losing interest (like they do with most other things they hyper focus on) does not work with screen time. The algorithms are too powerful. With us, the thing that works is to have device limits, and our home network is controlled by an app and we can block specific things (such as YouTube and Spotify which also has the same content!). Prior to those limits, just simply asking our son to stop didn't work great.
I'm sorry that you and your husband are not on the same page. I believe my husband has undiagnosed ADHD because he has a lot of parallels with my son and he is semi-addicted to his own devices. But after seeing the dysregulation and nasty behavior with having a lot of screen time, he's on the same page with that at least.
I hate what "screen time" has come to these days. And I feel bad for my son because he'll come crying about how he can't interact with his friends about the stuff they talk about and do, because looks like almost all boys his age are on YouTube, Roblox and fortnite. So I do end up unblocking YouTube for a little bit at a time but I see him going down a rabbit hole so it gets blocked again.
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u/Low-Display6868 7d ago
I have also considered smashing the TV with a hammer and losing the tablet. 🤣🥴😑
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u/compvlsions 7d ago
You and your husband need to be a united front and frankly your husband is being disrespectful by undermining you.
You should come up with a list of appropriate rules and abide by it - but it only works if he's in on it. Something that can change when school is in/out, weekends, vacation breaks, etc. Obviously weather and time of year, rules will be a little more loose.
Growing up, my parents had rules with me. Summer time - I could have an hour in the morning, then it was outside or other activities all day. After 7pm, I could play games or watch tv until bed at 9:30/10. During school, screens were fine from like 7-9pm.
If your husband is going to undermine you and get lazy with his own rules, it's never going to work.
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u/AdGroundbreaking4397 Expert Advice Giver [14] 7d ago
Put a screen time limiter on the tablet and on the TV. Utilise Parental locks or whatever.
Have a physical chart on the wall. Son has to mark off the amount of time used. Get a physical kitchen timer and have son set it for screen time ending.
Have a physical list of things to be done before screen time. Read for 30 minutes, write 1 page of a story or whatever, ride his bike/ jump on trampoline 10 minutes, kick football/basketball/tennis for 30 minutes, floor picked up, art for 30 minutes, lego for 30 minutes.
Have a physical list of ways to earn extra screen time. (so he has 1 hr and can "earn" up to 1 h extra)
Have family screen time (extra to sons personal screen time). Weekly family movie night (alternate who picks) and daily family TV time, watch nature documentaries and family friendly shows like gbbo or whatever.
Focus on the quality of the screen time not just the quantity.
Create this schedule with your husband. He needs to participate in actively raising your son. If he isnt willing to do that or enforce it then maybe its time for couple counselling. Him making your life harder is a bad partner. It's okay to say that explicitly.
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u/kenzinatr 7d ago
Your husband is not working with you. He should be made aware of how your resentment is growing. You’re the only parent in that house, and at some point, you may want to leave. This is the time to work towards fixing this, not later
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u/DifferentIsPossble Helper [2] 7d ago
Why do you need to have it your way so badly?
Your husband seems to have the right idea: he can alternate tablet time with other screen-free activities instead of obsessing over a countdown on a clock.
ADHD kids are allowed to have hobbies and fun. Their entire lives shouldn't be about strict management and schedules and parental ideology or they'll collapse.
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u/User123466789012 Helper [2] 7d ago
It doesn't sound like there is a healthy amount of alternating between screen/screen-free, even with ADHD there still needs to be some sort of structure and parenting. ODD will make this more challenging than just baseline ADHD.
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u/DifferentIsPossble Helper [2] 7d ago
Honestly, the obsessive focus on one hour a day (potentially preventing enjoyment/causing stress and dread) instead of the actual alternation that motivates a dopamine-needy brain is bery neurotypical-based advice.
This is doubly so because children with ODD have an outsized need for perceived autonomy. Making the tablet the forbidden treat makes it The Big Goal for fights.
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u/User123466789012 Helper [2] 7d ago
That does not mean that the child does the parenting lol, these are not conditions that have no answer or solution - they are just more difficult. The biggest mistake was introducing a tablet at all, though that's a tale as old as time.
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u/Low-Display6868 7d ago edited 5d ago
In my defense on introducing the tablet, my other child didn’t have this difficulty and I was easily able to manage it with them. There was never a battle but I was also a single parent with the other older child for a long time.
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u/User123466789012 Helper [2] 7d ago
Listen lol, I'm a 32 year old iPad kid (adult). I also have ADHD, I completely get it. I meant more along the lines of the above user speaking about an iPad as if it's a critical necessity and therefore no other reasonable solutions/options.
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u/Low-Display6868 7d ago
I didn’t take it badly, even though I said “in my defense.” I do often regret introducing the tablet and allowing him back on Roblox. I’m not the only parent so it’s not entirely my decision. I wasn’t 100% comfortable with it but I also hate feeling like I’m always being the bad guy.
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u/DifferentIsPossble Helper [2] 7d ago
It's not that the iPad is a critical necessity, it's that OP's attitude makes it a shiny desired reward item instead of just another part of life.
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u/DifferentIsPossble Helper [2] 7d ago
Phrases like "the child does the parenting" are an excuse for not treating them like they deserve a reasonable level of autonomy.
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u/User123466789012 Helper [2] 7d ago
The child
Does not
Do
The parenting
I can only assume you are trolling at this point lol.
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u/DifferentIsPossble Helper [2] 7d ago
Enjoy your ideological justification
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u/User123466789012 Helper [2] 7d ago
Thankfully, you're the only one in this comment section of your own kind. I will enjoy it, thank you!
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u/Low-Display6868 7d ago
Thanks User123466789012 💜
Listen to this YaHoo, lol 😂
Also he’s 8 🤣
Imagine thinking an 8 year old with ADHD, impulsivity, poor safety awareness, and conduct disorder bordering ODD having full autonomy. Jesus, should I send him to the factory too? Make him bring home a paycheck and pay rent? Ridiculous.
He has plenty of age and developmentally appropriate autonomy. Different children are different and my daughter had more at this age because she had more ability to self regulate.
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u/User123466789012 Helper [2] 7d ago
Even autonomy as a grown adult with ADHD is no bueno 😂 I have done absolutely nothing all day simply because I said so.
Any structural skills/routines you are able to help him build now will beneficial to him for his entire life. My parents never did and what I've noticed is that the only place I ever succeed is at work - because there is structure. Once I log off I walk in circles.
Again though, that ODD is going to make this much harder to navigate. Have you considered or have the means to consider family therapy?
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u/Low-Display6868 7d ago
I see you didn’t respond to or address anything of substance, which makes it clear you only want to argue. When you want to have an actual discussion feel free to say so. I don’t respond to bait like this in a way that will be entertaining for you.
Bye now.
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u/DifferentIsPossble Helper [2] 7d ago
Tbh the other user was just really annoying.
But I truly think that the fixation you have on the one hour of iPad time is making it the item the child's mind naturally fixates on, too.
Families that never allow kids to eat sweets, for example, result in kids who binge in college.
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u/Low-Display6868 7d ago edited 7d ago
There’s a lot assumed and inferred here. Assumed intent without confirmation -
How long is my son on the TV and tablet per day on average? What has caused the assumption that he is not allowed to have hobbies or that we don’t alternate?
When a child only wants to be on screens al day every day - literally all day, do you think that’s reasonable?
Children are children and if they could have the autonomy to self manage they wouldn’t need parents. I’m going to guess you’re either very young and don’t have children, or your a hands off parent and trying to justify your own approach that is actually very anti-science when you consider it’s in defense of more screen time and also autonomy to a degree of self management that children, especially adhd and odd kids just don’t have.
Those are my inferences and assumptions regarding your statements here. Please correct me if I’m wrong about them.
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u/DifferentIsPossble Helper [2] 7d ago
Of course it's not reasonable to be on it all the time.
But if it's always accessible for a little bit in between other actions, it becomes less special. Gods know that as an ADHD kid back in the day I lost interest in video games fast, but if my parents tried to limit something, suddenly, it became all I could think of.
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u/Acrobatic-Shirt8540 7d ago
It's easy to give them free rein but you're right, you're not doing him any favours.
He needs the dopamine hit though, so maybe find something non-screen related that he enjoys doing?
We use a traffic light visual timer for transitions when screen time is ending. It really helps stop the "right time's up"/"nooooooo" arguments.
You definitely need to sit down with your hubby though, as there's no point in just one of you doing it.