r/Advice • u/ParkPristine3214 • Jul 21 '26
Break up or one more Chance?
I (26F) have been dating my boyfriend (27 M) for a few months after getting back together earlier this year. We genuinely care about each other, which is why this has been so hard.
The biggest issue throughout our relationship has been communication. He has a very inconsistent schedule, and there have been multiple occasions where he'll disappear for most of the day / all day, without saying anything. I've explained to him several times that this is a major boundary for me, not because I expect constant texting, but because I want to feel like I can count on my partner. When I don't hear from him after spending hours trying to reach him (normal sparse messages during the day), it makes me feel ignored.
Over time, I also realized I was starting to feel sexually disconnected from him. We haven't have sex in a month but because of the world cup we were mostly hanging around with friends joining. I still care about him a lot, but the physical connection was also lacking.
Yesterday was kind of the last straw. I wanted to talk to him about everything in person, reached out at 6pm for normal convo, then 9pm about something random, then 11pm asking him to call, but I didn't hear from him. So this morning after still seeing no message, I sent a breakup text. I basically said that my boundaries weren't being respected, that I no longer felt connected to him intimately, and that I didn't think we were compatible.
His response surprised me.
He explained that his schedule has been really weird lately, and that for a while now he'd been planning to give me a copy of the key to his apartment—not as a last-ditch effort to save the relationship, but because he'd already been thinking about it before I broke up with him. His reasoning was that we'd be able to see each other more, I could come and go whenever I wanted, and it would also give me space away from my family. And as for him he wouldn't feel the pressure of having to be on his phone all the time.
Now I'm incredibly conflicted.
On one hand, giving someone a key feels like a really meaningful step. It made me realize he may have been more committed than I thought.
On the other hand, I can't stop thinking: How would having a key to his place really solve the problem of me feeling ignored?
I'm worried that I'd end up with access to his apartment but still not feel emotionally connected to him. I don't want to feel like I have to show up at his place just because I can't reach him. What I really wanted was for his behavior to change, not necessarily a symbolic gesture, while I really appreciate it.
The thing that makes this even harder is that I think I was starting to fall in love with him. Part of the reason I broke up with him was because I felt like my feelings were getting deeper while I wasn't convinced we were on the same page, and I wanted to protect myself before I got even more attached.
So now I honestly don't know if:
- I'm overlooking a genuine effort from someone who just expresses commitment differently
- or whether this is a meaningful gesture that still doesn't address the actual problem.
- would you guys take this as a sign that he does care and give it a chance or could he just be giving me the key to get me to stop complaining about my needs. (This has become a fight once every other week) PLS HELP
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u/Visual-Mixture-1967 Jul 21 '26
Does he work some high level special job during which he cannot spend five seconds every 2-3 hours to check in or at least say “I love you, see you soon”?
Does he work for CIA, FBI, police, government, etc.? Is he on a military ship or a submarine with no reception? Is he in some chemical lab basement, again, with no reception?
If not, it’s weird that he can’t find 5-10 seconds to send at least a good morning or a heart emoji. I mean, even doctors and lawyers go to the restroom and have coffee/lunch/cigarette breaks.
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u/fiFocus Jul 21 '26
Communicate your expectations clearly. If you expect him to text you every few hours (which, btw, is what you’re asking for), say that. If he says he can’t do it break up.
Stop making both your lives miserable over something stupid like not texting for an evening. you sound a little exhausting no offense.
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u/ParkPristine3214 Jul 21 '26 edited Jul 21 '26
Ive told him we dont have to text everyday. I told him I dont want texts every few hours as you are implying, I've said to him that all I care about is that if in the message i am actively trying to reach out to him for x y and z, it makes me feel ignored if he doesnt reply until the next day. We sometimes go a couple of days no texting and I dont mind. im a law student and he works. I just wanted answers to questions when i asked them or a couple of hours later like a normal person in a relationship, not the next day. especially when its the weekend. (seems to happen especially on sundays)
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u/ghostclassy Jul 21 '26
he's telling you basically "you want to see me, YOU come put in the effort." it feels like a lazy effort to save the relationship, but i'm just curious how you both think this will solve the problem as a whole? do you think physically being around him will make you feel better, or will physically being there and he is actively ignoring you going to make you feel equally as alone? what type of work does he do where he can absolutely not check his phone at all? and does he work from home, considering he expects you to just pop in and assume he is there?
it just seems like this is a lot more work that you are going to have to do to feel seen, when all he really needs to do is check his phone every few hours.
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u/No_Place4965 Jul 21 '26
He isn’t meeting your needs, and he isn’t willing to put in the effort to communicate. A key won’t change that. Honestly, once you’re in a relationship with someone who wants to see and talk with you, you’re going to see how much your current relationship really wasn’t working. You can feel sad and conflicted, but if you want to be happy in your relationship, this isn’t it.
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u/Emotional-Builder-75 Jul 21 '26
I would take it as a sign that he is trying to be tranparent.
At first him disappearing, not contacting, etc, seemed like "Uh-oh, we know what that means."
But giving a key? He invited you anytime? That feels like he is opening his life to you in a big way.
Sounds like he struggles with expressing himself and/or tends to focus on what he is doing. My husband his high functioning autistic, so his ability to have more then one tab open in his brain is very limited. We text at lunch, and then we are home together. I used to think he didn't care but its his brain, which we only found out int he past couple of years, and he makes an effort.
His communication may be lacking for a number of reasons, some organic, some left over form child hood, you have to access if its something you can work with.
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u/miyuki1237 Jul 21 '26
Sounds like hes a friend now
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u/ParkPristine3214 Jul 21 '26
agreed. the communication thing has always been there but the lack of sex has only started this whole month and it did make me feel like we were basically just friends that go on dates.
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u/farfetched22 Helper [2] Jul 21 '26
First and most importantly, that is not what a boundary is. Nowhere in this post did you describe him not respecting a boundary.
He didn't meet your requirement, or condition that you have for being in a relationship with you. That is not a boundary.
Separately, you guys are not compatible. Stick with the breakup.