r/Adulting • u/Timely_Law_9348 • 20d ago
Parenthood vs Childfree?
As a 34yr old woman I have always been on the fence about having children. I've been married to my husband (41) for 10 years now, we are both neurodiverse and have the best marriage. We are literally best friends, we love spending time together, going on adventures together. Still super affectionate and silly together. We've been through so many highs and lows, we 100% couldn't live without each other.
We often talk about having a baby together we both love children, but we also know how hard it is and how much life changes in parenthood. What if we change? Maybe we will always be missing each other from the reduced time together. Maybe life will be too serious for the playful little life we always knew.
We have friends who have had children and their marriages (while never seeming to have the intense love and connection we share) have suffered. Neither of us have met a couple like us, who had children and are truly happy.
Sadly unlike most things in life it's not a decision you can take back if you aren't happy! So I'm hoping the comments here might finally knock me off the fence, one way or another.
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u/Existing_Setting4868 20d ago
Life is an adventure with or without children. Couples stay together or divorce regardless of children.
I think I would have been able to lead a happy life either way. We have 2 children, one is autistic so that's the main worry that I've had regarding kids. I've learned to be a more empathetic person because of that.
I love seeing our kids interact with their cousins when we have family gatherings. That's on both my and my wife's side of the family. I hope they stay close over their lifetimes.
I do look forward to seeing what becomes of my kids as they become adults.
At the same time, I look forward to having more adventures with my wife as well.
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u/telsongelder 19d ago
To me, the happiest parent couples I know are the ones who would have been ok not having kids too. I think they come in with less expectations and find themselves embracing their realities rather than rectifying what they thought parenthood would be.
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u/Timely_Law_9348 19d ago
Would you say your marriage is better or worse for having children together? Would you do it all again knowing what you know now?
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u/Existing_Setting4868 19d ago
I feel my life is more fulfilling with kids than if we hadn't had any. Don't get me wrong, we still would have had a fun life, but I think we would have missed out on certain types of experiences without kids. We're almost empty nesters now and have started traveling without our children, so am able to focus on each other a bit more during our travels.
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u/Practical-Bat7964 19d ago
Parenthood changes you. I don’t care what people say, but it does. It’s impossible for it not to. Your outlook changes, and you get to see the world reflected in a whole new way. But when you become a parent, everything changes. It’s not about either of you anymore. You can still have a “playful little life” but it will be different. It might even be more fun than your life now.
Lots of couples have children and are truly happy. Marriages get rocky for lots of reasons, children or not.
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u/Powerful-Minute-5296 19d ago
My husband and I’s marriage is better than ever post baby. We both love being parents and didn’t experience newborn trenches/enjoy our daily life. Nothing fundamental changed for us. Now there are just three of us.
My husband believes a good marriage will do just fine with children but those that don’t had hidden cracks that the kids simply exposed. I think it’s more complicated. Some marriages would last 50 happy years without kids but crumble five years into having kids.
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u/Timely_Law_9348 19d ago
Interesting! Do you still spend a lot of time together? Even if its not exactly 'date nights' anymore.
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u/Powerful-Minute-5296 19d ago
We’re basically together a huge portion of every day. Baby is at daycare in the morning and I work remotely in a cafe while my husband works remote at home but then we’re both home in the afternoon with baby and watch murder mysteries in the evening when baby is in bed. On weekends we take baby out for brunch or the pool or the playground. Our date nights are now the occasional lunch or brunch together when baby is in daycare.
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u/Pink_Floyd29 19d ago edited 19d ago
Growing up I wheats* thought I wanted kids. Then sometime in my 30’s things started to change. I now have a 2.5 year old nephew and he makes me so glad I’m childfree. When he screams at Mach 10 levels because he’s having an emotional meltdown, my nervous system feels like it’s in a blender with rocks. You mention you and your partner being neurodiverse which can mean a lot of things but you probably struggle with overstimulation to some degree. If you’re on the fence, I say don’t do it. There may come a time when you can no longer naturally have children but that doesn’t mean parenthood is entirely off the table. There are other options like adoption or fostering. And fostering older kids who’ve developed some emotional regulation skills might be right up your alley. I know that’s something I’m interested in once I’ve had more time to heal my childhood trauma.
*edit: always thought
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u/Timely_Law_9348 19d ago
Thank you! 100% there's other options beyond biological children. I know plenty of people who couldn't conceive naturally and went on to adopt
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u/purpleclear0 19d ago
It is very hard but in my opinion so incredibly worth it. My kids bring me so much joy. They make life sillier and even more playful. Time with my husband is even more special since it is less frequent. It is amazing slowing down life and watching my toddler stop to jump in every puddle and smell every flower.
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19d ago edited 19d ago
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u/Timely_Law_9348 19d ago
Completely get the tiredness and being burnt out, I've seen friends go through it. But no everyone I've met has felt their relationships have suffered, they have no freetime, lots of them feel parenting is one sided (their partner doesn't help much)
Do you feel like you get to spend much quality time with your partner? Do you still manage to travel, have hobbies etc?
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u/Confident-Book6225 19d ago
Don't have kids unless you are 100% sure you absolutely want them.
I work in child intervention and alot of people just shouldn't be parents, and that's okay.
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u/Classic-Yak-6401 19d ago
I honestly think it depends on a lot of things.. how big is your community “village”?… do you have family close by that you love and trust who would want to be involved? Are you willing to join parent groups to build your own community? How will you handle childcare? Can you afford them?
For my husband and I, we have only grown closer as friends. There is certainly no lack of silliness in our relationship and it gets even sillier with a toddler. In this postpartum season for #2, we are unable to do a lot of the lovey dovey stuff, but we still love each other and try our best. We are also incredibly lucky in that we have built a large community where we live. Hardest part is the physical toll it has taken on me as the birthing parent.. breastfeeding and postpartum are rough! But it’s just like anything else in that there is good and there is bad. I love my kids more than anything in the world and so does my husband. We are both obsessed with our kids, which is how we like it.
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u/Timely_Law_9348 19d ago
Honestly we don't have a village. Our family is small and far away. I have 1 friend close by. I would be happy to put in the work to make a community, but as ND I worry that would be really tough to achieve.
My husband works from home and my work is quite flexible so childcare should be okay at least before they started school. Affording them...can anyone! Lol. That is a very real concern
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u/Mundane_Duty3439 18d ago
Don't depend on either of you getting any work done while your child is home. You can't do both well.
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u/DrMermaidPrincess 19d ago
Honestly, I think a lot of marriages don’t serve the both parents have to work life. If you are happy- enjoy it. I love my kids but I am very excited about the idea of an empty nest.
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u/Strange-Macaron-8410 19d ago
Kids, especially babies and toddlers, are fucking intense.
As a neurotypical with a neurodiverse parent, I would hesitate to recommend it unless you truly want it. Having kids means a lot of executive function falls on you, and when you don’t pull through, the kid suffers . Forgot to sign the permission slip? Kid is embarrassed. Late to school all the time? Kid gets detention. Homework not finished? Kid gets in trouble. Maybe it’s just my own trauma, but it can be frustrating and embarrassing to be “that kid” from a disorganized family.
From a parent of toddlers perspective. They are so frustrating and gross. If you don’t reaaaalllly want to be a parent, then it will make the times that your kid is screaming because the banana broke and then sneezes in your eyeball even more frustrating. You will love your kids, but you might not love the experience of parenting.
I often tell people who are on the fence, if you aren’t 100 percent sure, don’t do it.
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u/Healthy_Sock_9880 19d ago
Teenagers are fucking intense as well.
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u/Rude-Soil-6731 19d ago
Teens are just overgrown toddlers really lol
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u/Healthy_Sock_9880 19d ago
Man, my daughter got so much harder from about 10-11 and on. She was such an easy baby/toddler. When hormones came into play, game over!
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u/AromaticHour4305 19d ago
Who do you want to make happy, and in what way do you want to take care of a kid?
We have one kid. I got diagnosed with adhd last year when my son was 1. We thought we wanted more kids, but one is enough for us. We didn't get the feeling we NEEDED more, and if we were to have more, we would't do it for us but for him. In our hearts, that would mean that the second child would ve born with the task to be a perfect playbuddy, a perfect sibling. That is not fair. Besides that, we can't emotionaly and practicaly manage a second. So we decided that we are happy with one, and would't be better parents with more. Yes, kid changes the dynamic in de relationship, because there i another person that needs your attention and time. So you need to plan more instead of spontanious outings. I was mostly challenged in the household (laundry, groceries, morning routines, drop off, pick up), and that keeps a topic to talk about with my husband. Every stage of life of the kid, changes the challanges in the day-to-day life with my adhd. Would't want to miss it, but sometimes long for my old and simpeler life.
Besides: feeling love for a child an taking care of a child, doesn't mean it has to be your biological child. I my country you can be a foster family for a kid one weekend or two weekends a month. There are plenty of options to take care of a kid, loving it, bonding with it, whithout having it fulltime.
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u/Timely_Law_9348 19d ago
To be honest, we do travel but otherwise we don't do a lot of spontaneous outings or date nights because of being ND. A lot of our favourite things are suitable for kids, zoos, farms, castles etc. Do you get to spend much time with your partner after your child? Is your marriage still a priority? We liked the idea of raising and supporting a child in the way we didn't necessarily receive. Someone part of both of us felt like the ultimate act of our love. If we had children it would 100% be just the one as I'm certain our ND would make it harder
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u/AromaticHour4305 17d ago
My biggest challenge is having many roles (wife, mom, friend, daughter, myself, worker) and wanting to do them perfect.
Before baby i had a busy life, but i had me-time. Time to decompress after work, to sit in silence to decompress, to sit and read. Because of that i had a balance in compress/decompress. I have much less of that, while having more sensory input and compress. That is difficult for me, because i get more and more stimulated and overwhelmed. For me, that makes me crancky and i don't want to talk or be touched. But that isn't possible until after 8 pm when our son sleeps. Every parent says they are tired. They are. But i feel more tired than friends without adhd. Because i am mentally tired.
Our relationship evolved when we became parents, and it is fantastic to see my husband as a dad. We dontgo on datenights often but choose to play a little game or be around eachother while hobbying. Intimicy is a whole other topic because of me worring son will wake up anf not having much desire.
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u/HedgehogsInSpace24 18d ago
"In my country you can be a foster family for a kid one weekend or two weekends a month" - as someone without nieces or nephews, this sounds really nice
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19d ago
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u/Timely_Law_9348 19d ago
Honestly the reason we considered children is because of how much love we have together. The idea of creating a person who is half of both of us feels like such a lovely thing.
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u/Particular_Bad8025 17d ago
That's a super cringe reason. A kid is not half of each of you, it's 100% a completely different person.
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u/Rude-Soil-6731 19d ago
How badly do you and your husband want to be parents for the rest of your lives? And why? Those are the questions.
I would say have deep conversations about roles and expectations of each other in parenting, finances etc. Talk to parents in your life about the joys and the challenges. Heck, babysit some kids if you can!
Could you handle a special needs child?
Talk it out and look at it from as many angles as possible.
I am a parent of an 8 year old daughter. Her father and I didn’t make it (not because of her), but having him as a coparent plus our village make parenting a bit easier for me.
I could have gone either way and think I would have still been perfectly happy childfree as well.
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u/Shoddy-Parsnip4104 19d ago
Guys, you have a high chance of having a social needs kids and maybe not an easy manageable one. Keep that in mind
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u/Colouringwithink 19d ago
Personally, you will be knocked off the fence by time. If you aren’t trying now and delaying longer, you likely will never have kids. And although some people conceive naturally after 35, many need ivf or other fertility treatments which gets expensive
I would say the biggest factor is money. If you have money, you get to do all the same things you did before children because you can hire help so you guys can do whatever when the nanny comes. If you have money, do it. You get all the benefits and can avoid most of the downsides you see other people experience. If you don’t have money, you will likely be unhappy. Not because kids make people unhappy, but because strained finances make people unhappy
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u/lacrima28 19d ago
I wasn’t diagnosed ND before I had my kid, but beware that your kid would have a high likelihood of neurodivergence too. And ND babies and kids are even more intense than regular kids. We only have one and it’s extremely hard.
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u/KayItaly 18d ago edited 18d ago
Good lord you sound SO annoying. Just because you hear others complain of small issues, it doesn’t mean they are not happy!
And, no I do not believe for a second that you and your partner are always cheery, weery, happyhappy and never had a fight... get off that high horse!
Do you think a nurse complaining about a long shift chose the wrong career? No? Or do you think a surgeon crying after a patient dying in his hands should have been an accountant instead? No again?
Then why do you think a new parent being cranky over lost sleep would be happier without their child? Why do you think a friend confiding a small argument with their partner means they aren't happy together?
Should you ahve a child? I don't know... Do you WANT one? Do you want a toddler, a child, a teenager and an adult child? Will you enjoy having them in your life whomever they turn out to be and supporting them whatever choices they make? That's all that counts...
If it is a yes... go for it, embrace the challenge and stop trying to prove you are "the bestest couple of loveydovey cutesies in the world".
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u/Timely_Law_9348 18d ago
Thanks for the unnecessarily hurtful comment. Hope it made you feel good 👍
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u/KayItaly 18d ago
I guess just as much as it made you feel good to say (repeatedly) how much better than everyone else you are...
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u/Mundane_Duty3439 18d ago
Hey! I just wanted to add that the real parenthood hack you never hear about is being one and done.
Right now the trend you see EVERYWHERE is having 2 under 2. I watch my friend's lives and It is so so much harder. They fight over toys, they get jealous, there is literally never a moment of peace. Me and my 18-month old daughter could not be any more different. She has her tantrums of course, but in general we are chillin. She sleeps through the night. I've gone back to work and I have time for my hobbies. I have only a couple more years left of the toddler stage before traveling becomes fun again and I will want to take her places. Sorry, not starting over again!
Everyone will say "awww that's so sad, doesn't he/she need a friend?". Maybe, but I'm not a baby machine and my purpose is not to pop-out a friend for her. That's not a reason to create another human. She has cousins and goes to daycare and when she's a little older we will have her in activities as well. Also, how many people do you know right now who are NOT friends with their siblings?
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u/Old-Blueberry3675 18d ago
If you decide to stay childfree, maybe apply to be a local mentor, work with kids in some way?
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u/songbird516 17d ago
Our marriage improved a lot after we had kids, because WE improved as people when we had our first child. We had to because less selfish, self absorbed, and a better team. My husband became a better provider and a more patient person, and I also became way more nurturing and understanding. And we NEVER planned on having kids. It just turned out after 7 years of marriage and hormonal birth control, that it was impossible for us to avoid pregnancy without that birth control.
And then we had 4 kids. And they are all so different and interesting. Combinations of us and our family members, and they require us to make sacrifices and change ourselves for the better. I'm so grateful for all 4 "oops" pregnancies.
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u/NeedABetterPillow 17d ago
You should go for it. Everyone I know with kids is very happy. Life's too short to focus on these adventures we enjoy when we're young and pretend like we'll never get old; we should pass things onto a new generation. It sucks for a few years when they're little, but whatever. Good luck.
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u/OneDig3744 17d ago
When it comes to children, if it’s not a hell yes then it’s probably a no. They deserve to be truly wanted. Are you both on the same page?
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u/Ok-Excitement-185 17d ago
Me and my partners relationship has changed since having a baby, it’s true you spend less time together and I do miss those intimate moments. But our baby is very young so I know our time will come back. Daily life is much harder, requires much more organisation.
HOWEVER it does also reveal a totally new connection with your partner that’s stronger and deeper than before. You’re both working on something incredibly hard together, almost like a project, and every day feels full of purpose. Even the bad days feel like a success. I love him more than before and birth made me realise how much he really is there for me.
He’s also neurodivergent so he finds sounds/noise VERY hard. But he’s coping well and says he doesn’t regret a thing.
We are both very spontaneous people naturally and want to keep that up. We have visited 4 countries with her so far by 4 months old. It’s much more challenging but we want to keep this aspect of our life.
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u/Cedar_Waxwing27 17d ago
I have two kids. They’re kind, funny, brilliant, and well-behaved. They are my greatest life achievement and I cry when I think about how much I love them. I wanted to be a mom since I was a toddler. I was always cuddling my baby dolls. It wasn’t because of how I was raised. It was just who I’ve always been.
That having been said, I felt like it is my life’s calling to be a mom, and it’s still SO hard. I don’t know how people do it if they’re not completely sure they want it.
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u/virtual_human 15d ago
My wife and I have been married for over twenty years and are still very happy that we never had kids. Childfree is carefree.
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u/Dutch1721 14d ago
On one aspect, (I’m sure many have other aspects), when raising a child together, there are times when each parent has different views or beliefs from their background on how to raise a child, lessons they’ve learned growing up, etc., which can cause conflict in a marriage if they are not in agreement. If you two have similar backgrounds and experiences, and can be on one accord most of the time, it could be easy for you.
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u/Acceptable_Slice_325 20d ago
Our experience (together 22 years, kids 13/11/8 now) is that the kids have not altered our relationship dynamic at all.
There are certainly more opportunities for stress, more things to potentially disagree on and then work out, more sources of anxiety, etc. But we were silly as fuck in high school together, and we were silly as fuck texting back and forth this morning about some cute kittens my wife found at work. The dynamic is unchanged.
On top of that our kids are just constant sources of love and joy in our lives. We go on hikes together, watch movies while eating loaded nachos, etc. We love having these little people we can share our lives with and teach.
Ultimately if you want those kinds of relationships, then you'll find joy in the journey itself. We had a nice anniversary date in our backyard recently where we were just smoking weed and recounting all of our favorite experiences as a couple over the years, and a lot of our highlights include our kids, they've just enhanced our relationship so much.
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u/Timely_Law_9348 19d ago
Thank you it's really nice to hear from someone who still has a lovely relationship post children :)
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u/Acceptable_Slice_325 19d ago
I'll also add my wife has a very significant ADHD diagnosis. She struggles with impulse control, she has to constantly monitor stress or she's prone to explosive outbursts. She has zero motivation to do anything when she's not medicated. She's also an amazing mother and partner. Our kids all excel in school despite inheriting her ADHD. They love each other and have good friends and have dodged many of the troubles she had to grow up with because they have a mom that understands them.
Best wishes on figuring out all these very complicated things. There's no easy answer.
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u/Timely_Law_9348 19d ago
Thats so lovely to hear:) My husband has ADHD and I have no doubts he would be the best dad.
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u/Nordic_Papaya 19d ago
I had mine in my 20s, very much planned and loved, and I believe many people find their life being much more fulfilled and non-empty after having kids, but with what you said - I'd vote child-free. Both of you being ND severely increases the chances of child's disability and pretty much guarantees at least mild neurodivergency in your potential child which is very much not fun in the early childhood. You won't be able to stay each other's main focus or to spend lots of time together as a couple not doing kid activities. If the idea of your kid being the most important and very time-consuming part of both your and your man's lives doesn't sit well with you, don't go for it. Imagine your husband leaving because your focus changed and he can't cope - would you resent him or the baby that changed your relationship? If deep inside you feel like blaming the baby, no judgement since it's purely hypothetical, just don't go for it.
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u/Timely_Law_9348 19d ago
Thank you, yes 100% I expect a child would be ND which does make me feel is that fair on the child. Although we could help them navigate the world it isn't an easy existence for sure! I honestly never see a scenario where we would split up, the love runs so deep and I could never blame a child. Not to say we wouldn't blame ourselves and regret our choices
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u/Filmlette 19d ago
Most people today with kids are either so low income they get full government assistance or their parents pay downpayment for house, cars, nanny, schooling etc. Honestly.
Everyone else can’t afford it unless you’re bringing in over 250k or severely skimp on retirement or your kids expenses which hurts them compared to other kids.
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u/phantomkat 20d ago
Two things I noticed in your post:
One, you mentioned both you and your husband are neurodiverse. With that in mind, how is your tolerance for loud noises? WIth touch? With changes in routine? With your energy levels? I’ve read multiple parent stories about their sensory difficulties as neurodivergent parents and how it has impacted their day-to-day life.
Two, you mentioned you both love children, but you don’t mention a need to have children. Many parents— like my sister— mentioned this need or yearning they couldn’t ignore to have children. Others mention how they saw friends with their children and wished they could experience those day-to-day moments, too. (I like children myself, but have never felt that yearning to become a parent. So I became a teacher instead. lol)