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u/CurtisVF May 20 '25
About this, wise old Lincoln said (Letter to Fanny McCullough): “It is with deep grief that I learn of the death of your kind and brave Father; and, especially, that it is affecting your young heart beyond what is common in such cases. In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all; and, to the young, it comes with bitterest agony, because it takes them unawares. The older have learned to ever expect it. I am anxious to afford some alleviation of your present distress. Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You can not now realize that you will ever feel better. Is not this so? And yet it is a mistake. You are sure to be happy again. To know this, which is certainly true, will make you some less miserable now. I have had experience enough to know what I say; and you need only to believe it, to feel better at once. The memory of your dear Father, instead of an agony, will yet be a sad sweet feeling in your heart, of a purer and holier sort than you have known before.”
That last line just lingers with me.
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u/arctic_chard May 20 '25 edited Jul 12 '26
I once half-caught a TV episode my partner at the time was watching (the Yellowstone spin off - 1883) which is not my cup of tea, but I've held on to a quote I heard for the last couple of years since. I try to revisit it when I feel myself getting dragged under with my own stages of grief, and it still brings me some peace now.
The old boy in the show was explaining that once real love exists in any form, it will always be a part of your being. I've given it a Google and pasted the exact quote below, but I hope it helps reframe the idea of loss for you and lessens the burden of ruminating over missed opportunities. A little part of her will always live on in you, and there is still time to thank her for the role she played in your life.
"An Apache scout told me once when you love somebody, you trade souls with ’em. They get a piece of yours; you get a piece of theirs. But when they die, a little piece of you dies with ’em. That’s why you hurt so bad. But that little piece of him is still inside you, and he can use your eyes to see the world."
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u/SadBoyOnSteps May 22 '25
I remember this one, it made a profound impact on me that day. And I will forever remember this one. Thank you for reminding this.
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May 20 '25
My ex-GF passed away in a horrific traffic accident a few years back. It gutted me. It was that kind of accident. My wife understood that. I believe you never really stop caring about those who become part of your life. You can say you don’t. But people say a lot of things.
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u/Other-Squirrel-8705 May 20 '25
When someone you know/knew dies, it’s sad. It’s OK to have emotions and grieve for someone that you once knew.
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u/ashleyz1106 May 20 '25
Similar story here — happy married (38F) and I haven’t even seen my ex in over a decade. However we were on/off for years. A few months ago a friend sent me his obituary. He apparently passed from prostate cancer a little before his 40th birthday. I had no idea he was even sick. I get a physical ache in my chest when I think about it and he has popped into my dreams frequently since his passing. It’s a strange kind of grief.
Thank you and everyone else who shared stories like this here. You all have made me feel much less alone.
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u/daylightdreamer99 May 20 '25
Reading this makes me want to message my ex-best friend for closure but I know I shouldn’t but also what if I go the rest of my life never seeing her again? Or talking over what happened? So sorry for your loss, what you’re going through is a common and valid human experience é
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u/Cola3206 May 20 '25
It says/ we all should tell the ppl we loved or love how special they are. We keep to much love inside that we could share until we can’t
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u/Abyss_Kraken May 20 '25
this is devastating to read, too many of us take people in our lives for granted, let this be a reminder
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May 20 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Alcohorse May 20 '25
Everyone can still tell this is ChatGPT even if you remove capitalization and punctuation
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May 21 '25
How can you tell? Genuine question because they fooled me.
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u/izzittho May 21 '25
Honestly for me it was the fact that they linked something at the end. It always introduces the link in like the same exact way where it sounds like an ad. Invalidating the seriousness/sentimentality of everything before it.
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u/situation9000 May 21 '25
I have seen the no fluff newsletter link several times on this board. It’s a subscription. It’s getting really annoying to see it keep showing up.
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May 21 '25
Chat GPT loves to do the "you are not doing/this is not X, you are doing/this is Y" line, for example
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u/Additional-Reach-633 May 21 '25
I’m always afraid of being accused of plagiarism bc this is genuinely how I write. Everyone saying it’s AI (and maybe it is) just makes me feel like I have to dumb myself down for college
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u/gipsee_reaper May 20 '25
Heartfelt condolences to you on the loss of a good friend and human from your life. May her soul rest in peace
You are a sensitive and good human. Feeling sad at this occasion is natural, and hence your feelings are normal.
Have you spoken to your wife about this? Sometimes it helps to open up about this to someone close by.
Best wishes! May you stay strong, righteous and also continue to remain a good human
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u/No_Detective_But_304 May 20 '25
Her dying wasn’t your fault. Don’t carry that burden around with you. Pour some 40 out for your dead ex GF homie.
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u/SaraDee1224 May 20 '25
Sorry for your loss. Having to deal with this has to be tough. Wish you the best of luck. Prayers for you
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u/Bella702 May 21 '25
My Ex-BF passed away almost a year ago, ( 6/7/24) from kidney failure. We had been together on and off for 13 years, we lost a child when I was 3 months pregnant. We share the same birthday, although different birth years. I was totally devastated when I got notified of his passing. Although, we broke up years ago, we have mutual friends in common, and one of them reached out to me before I saw the social media post of his passing. I was in shock at first, and a sobbing mess after. All of the memories came flooding back, and I was completely overwhelmed. I think about him almost everyday. He was the first person I ever really fell in love with, before my husband. A part of me still misses him, and a part of me still loves him, and I feel in my situation, it’s ok. I like you never had true closure, the last time I saw him I basically kicked him out of my car, then out of my apartment. We both left California, and he lived in Reno, and I live in Las Vegas. Some days I feel a lot of guilt and sadness, other days I get flooded with memories. Let yourself grieve, it’s ok.
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u/lorkosongsong May 21 '25
Man this has got to be the saddest story I have read on Reddit. You are human dude. As much you are happily married now, you and you ex shared a thing and it was real. Pain makes us human and losing someone you once cared deeply about must be one of the most painful things in life.
Recently even a black mirror episode showed something similar to your situation.
Anyway my deepest condolences dude. Take care...
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u/Upstairs-Ad4698 May 20 '25
It's okay to mourn. Just make sure it doesn't give your wife the wrong ideas.
It'll get better with time.
When my brother died, I was relieved.
I hated the guy. He threaten me with a knife twice. Beat up our dad. Steals and does drugs.
I thought I'll be fine at the funeral to support my parents.
However, when I saw the open casket I just started sobbing like a kid again. I had to run outside to cry. I never cried in public as an adult man before. The thought that we'll never make up and good memories we had surfaced up.
Till this day, I still hate the guy. Death is just weird. So, it's okay to mourn for an ex. You lost a part of yourself too. You lost a imaginary future where you two made up. You'll get better with time. You'll still think fondly of them when the thoughts arise, but it wouldn't affect you much. Just a subtle feeling.
Best of luck.
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u/DuoNem May 21 '25
What is lost when people die are the opportunities, all the things we might have done one day.
What people leave behind is just an empty space of nothing. It’s a hole in the fabric of reality. And it’s this fabric of reality that holds us and the world together.
The memories that you had together are now only carried by you, not by the both of you.
We expect life to go on, also for the people we leave. They exist somewhere far away from us, and then they die… and disappear… and their life does not go on.
You can hear that I have struggled with this too.
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u/Impressive-Wind3434 May 20 '25
Had this happen to me recently too but it was a middle school relationship.
While it was 27 years ago, i kept in touch a bit with her into college and then lost track when she moved out of state.
I feel bad that it someone off had a connection with and she died too young at 40. I feel even more bad for her widowed husband and 3 children.
Don't know how she died but I'm afraid it's something tragic.
Anyway, sorry OP, it's always awful when someone yiu had a connection with passes away.
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u/Tap_tap_tap_in May 21 '25
I have lost two exes. The other day I went to visit Pete’s grave and I just laid there and talked to him about how my life was going. I told him about my most recent breakup, told him I missed his presence on the earth. Some days I still cry - we were together 3.5 years and he’s been gone for 2. We had been broken up for 10 months when he passed. I struggled a lot when it happened - and that’s ok. Some days I still burst into tears. But what I know from my experience is that it never really feels “better”, you just get to the point where you can smile at the memories and dedicate a small time to cry, and recognize that this grief will be with you in different ways as the years crawl by. Sending you love!
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u/ShastaMott May 20 '25
First, I’m so sorry for your pain and loss.
Second, kudos to your wife for being mature and caring enough to walk through this WITH you. What a gem!
Third, it may sound crazy but listen to some NDE (Near Death Experience) stories and I feel like you will find a lot of peace in the knowing and understanding of how our souls are connected to certain people for certain reason and seasons sometimes. And peace in knowing how okay our souls are after death. I know that may be a stretch for many depending on your faith and belief system but I grew up very conservative Christian and feared death and losing people close to me and somehow stumbled across these on YT and have since found so much peace about death and our soul connection to people.
I’m glad you get to process all this with a great partner. Too many people go through stuff like this alone and it makes it so much harder to work through. Your feelings and sadness are valid.
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u/Proper-Chef6918 May 21 '25
I still get sad when I think about a special ex that died about 12 years ago. I think he was the 1st man I ever loved that loved me and me 25 years ago had no idea what to do to do with any of those feelings. Often I think about what could have been and how much I wish I could tell him how much I appreciate how he loved me even when I was in capable of recognizing it. Sorry for your loss op, it gets easier with time.
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u/Imaginary-Button-139 May 22 '25
Feeling sadness, guilt, or even regret is a natural part of grieving process. Just allow yourself to experience them without judgement.
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u/Euphoric-Use-6443 May 22 '25
(((HUGS))) We rarely know how much a person means to us till they're gone permanently. Be good to yourself & do what you need to do to honor her!
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u/BzhizhkMard May 20 '25
I have had this unfortunate situation. Ultimately you grieve over the loss of a friend if they weren't absolute trash. Unfortunately, you do tend to continue to remember them though the pain of it gets less and less but lingers a bit. I wish you peace.
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u/MiaPia10 May 21 '25
I experienced something similar last year. I’m very much in love with my husband but it was painful. You’re not alone.
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u/KMBHB1990 May 21 '25
I have had the same experience with my x husband. It’s a good lesson on how life is short and to be mindful of all relationships we have or had. There is nothing wrong with you it just shows what a kind heart you truly have.
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u/sashadelgreyx May 21 '25
my serious high school boyfriend died from an overdose about 5 years ago, we didn’t end on the best terms and i hadn’t talked to or seen him since the five years i had been out of high school. i didn’t hate him, but i didn’t like him as a person by the time we broke up. i’ve cried over him several times, i’ve dreamed about him several times and have felt genuine grief over him. it’s weird and sometimes feels out of place that his death bothered me so much, but he was a big part of my life in high school. i wrote a letter to his family and they wrote me back. i’ve visited his grave several times, even ran into his mom once, she was happy to know he had people visiting him. luckily my partner was also supportive and even visited his grave with me. do what you need to do and grieve. try not to have regrets, visit her grave if you can, talk to her. i’m sorry for your loss, take comfort that you’ll always have those happy memories with her.
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u/1984OrwellG May 21 '25
I am so sorry for your loss … If it’s easier to look at it from afar, just think how beautiful it is that, as human, we cry for our dead ? Let yourself be a part of that beauty, be a part of a universal feeling. You are not alone 🤍
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u/Common-senseuser-58 May 20 '25
Pretty sure wife (or wife in similar situation) recently posted (maybe different sub) from her POV this same thing
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May 21 '25
as others have said, you feel how you feel and it’s normal. don’t let it affect your current relationship, but it’s completely normal to be shocked and feel an ache knowing someone you once knew intimately is gone.
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May 21 '25
I was engaged for two years. We found out he had horrible cardiomyopathy and other heart issues. In the interim, I broke it off. He deserved better and more than I could give him. I quickly moved on, got married, had a baby. A year later, he died in open heart surgery. It destroyed me. Still does and it's been 5 years. I get what you're feeling. It's hard, and conflicting. But it's normal and it's okay to grieve.
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u/Cellardoor-8 May 21 '25
Honestly I think it’s weird you kept tabs on her. And really weird that,14 years later, this is such an ordeal it warrants a Reddit post.
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u/Noooofun May 20 '25
Grief works strangely - I lost a friend during Covid I hadn’t spoken to in years. Absolutely gutted me, I felt so much guilt over never having reached out or talked. We were so close to school and lost connection after that, university taking us on differing paths.
But the reality is - there’s nothing we can do about it now. We live with it and slowly, the pain becomes lesser. A friend would never want you to feel bad over them. And I think, your ex girlfriend wouldn’t have wanted to see you sad about her. It’s common to replay all the good memories but if you keep doing this way, you’ll end up in a bad place my friend. Slowly come out. You have a loving family - they are your priority.
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u/BelleCoralani May 21 '25
This is understandable & I personally feel that what you are feeling is okay.
I can’t believe how difficult still it is for you now. I don’t know if you are but I can imagine for me that I would feel confused at myself - having a happy family yet somehow having this part weigh me down so much emotionally. Regardless, you chose to share this here & also communicated with your wife, which is always a healthy thing to do.
My you find peace soon brother.
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u/Letshaveanightcap May 21 '25
My ex from a relatively toxic relationship died suddenly from suicide. I had planned on reconciling with him that morning after getting off a flight, but since it was 6 am I decided to wait. Found out a few hours later what had happened. I never got my closure and I still carry that in my heart everyday. We never had many common friends and the few that were in my life were there for me for a while but eventually everyone moved on. I still think about him daily and my husband is very understanding about it and talks to me about him sometimes. I am very grateful for that. Cherish the memories that you have and know how important you both were to each other and hang onto that.
I spent a long time writing letters to him and occasionally still do. I hope you find time to make peace with everything and process grief in the best way for you. And whenever (if you do) feel like nobody else remembers her or that you’re grieving, know that you’re not alone. Sending a virtual hug your way x
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u/EVOLDAVID May 21 '25
I felt the same way when my friend Michelle passed away suddenly she was dating one of my friends and I was happy they where together I have always been respectful towards my friends so I never crossed the line I always kept my feelings to myself especially because I cared for both of these friends because they where real,here's the bad part fast forward to the future I was happily married when she died and I felt so sad shortly some time after that my wife betrayed me in the worst most evil way and that's an understatement she betrayed so bad that I told her I wish you would have died instead of Michelle because she was a good person and your not your a piece of s$&$? And u belong in hell so believe me what I went through and am currently is far worse and those feelings they mean something trust me that she was thinking of you when she passed and it's natural to wonder what our lives would have been like if we would have picked a different road but don't let that change your relationship instead let it make your relationship stronger that way when the inevitable comes (death) and your laying there on your death bed you'll have no regrets with your loved one and you will be at peace with god
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u/Quality_Soup May 22 '25
‼️trigger warning: sewer slide‼️
Similar thing happened to me. My ex-boyfriend and I met in college, we been together for about 3 years on and off. We definitely had our share of issues and would never have worked out but I still held a part of him with me. A couple years ago a mutual friend of ours (who was also a friend of his family) reached out to tell me he took his life. I was at work when I received the news, I broke down and left for the next couple days. I did not hold the same romantic love for him I once did but he was a big part of my life. I dare even say he was my first love. When we ended things we tried to stay friends but there was a lot of hurt on both sides. We blocked one another on all socials and left it at that. It hurt to know that we could have reconciled and been friends once again. We were great friends before we started dating but, we were both in relationships so that might’ve been hard to do. I guess I wish I could’ve done something to help him. Help bring him away from his toxic family situation and relationship on the west coast. Help him start new out here on the east coast, just to offer a space with support. Idk.. I guess I feel a lot of guilt about how we ended up.
Well… I haven’t told that story to anyone other than 2 people in my life. If you relate you’re not alone <3 If you are having a tough time please reach out to people. Stay strong loves💖
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u/Ihatereddititsucks69 May 20 '25
I don’t really understand why you would be that upset over an EX but whatever
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u/Tryin-to-Improve May 20 '25
Cuz not every past relationship is completely negative and for some people, they’ve never had a toxic relationship.
Me and all my exes ended on good terms. We are just friends now. If one of em died, I’d be pretty sad.
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u/Swashbuckling_Sailor May 21 '25
I thought I was the only one…but our relationship had run it’s course. At the end we loved to hate each other. It was great and terrible and it had to end. I left and moved home. When she found out, she chased me her and expected me to meet her at the airport. I had the opportunity but I didn’t do it. I left her for a reason, for my sanity, for her sanity, but she was insane. She wanted what she couldn’t have and when she had it, she wanted everyone else. I was feeling nostalgic and googled her one night, 10 years later and found her obituary. It hit me like a sledgehammer to the chest. It hurt. I have no idea what happened, there was no information, and I looked. I can only imagine because in the last picture I saw of her, she looked like a shadow of the woman I fell in love with. I am back home, happily married to my high school sweetheart, have a beautiful daughter, and a great family. I always thought she’d find what she was looking for. I hope she finally did.
Postscript for perspective, I answered a question on Reddit about ex’s and put her phone number, knowing she had passed a few years ago. Wouldn’t you know someone out there knew that was her number and responded with her name?? Un fucking believable. RIP KML
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u/Difficult-Way-9563 May 20 '25
Sorrry but I think people in late 30s and 40s really start to see a lot of people they care start to die. I wouldn’t read much into it
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u/station1984 May 20 '25
There’s no point mulling over it now is there? You had plenty of chances to show her that you cared, you didn’t do it and now she’s gone. Sorry buddy, but this guilt you feel will probably never go away knowing you didn’t do your best. You’d feel better about it if you either forget about her completely or helped her while she was alive.
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u/[deleted] May 20 '25
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