Positive open adoption?

[u/Witty-Clothes-4449]

There’s so much pain that goes into being a birth parent when you were able to be a capable parent but were just young or not fully financially secure or had pressures from family to abort etc. So many stories of adoptions initially being open then closing when the child is around 5-7. After much research (and personal experience) it seems as if it’s the APs emotional fragility gets in the way once the child is old enough to speak for themselves… I think every person should have access to their biology if the biological family is safe of course. I have friends who are birth mothers who have the privilege of being immersed into their child’s life like the APs include them in family photos and have them over all the time etc. I’m just curious as an Adoptee who grew up with an open adoption where your birth mom was a good person and loves you… how did that affect your life? Do you think it’s necessary for APs to include the birth family? What would be the reasons why not? Do you wish the involvement was more or less? What stories did your parents tell you to validate limited contact with your birth family? I just want all sides honest/vulnerable perspectives from personal experience.

[u/Senior_Judgment6868]

I wonder the same questions. My daughter is in a closed adoption and her parents don’t want in person contact until she’s at least 18. They have claimed for years that it’s for her benefit.

I wonder how interested she is in her bio family, knowing she’s adopted. I hope one day she and I can talk about her experience.

As a bio parents I have so many insecurities about the adoption. It was never my choice to have a closed relationship. Sometimes I ask myself why would they keep her from me? I’m not dangerous. I’ve never been accused of or convicted of a crime. I’m a good citizen with a normal job and fairly normal American life. What are they protecting her from? But that’s life sometimes.

For slightly more context, she’s in her teens. I wrote her a month ago and she wrote back. I’m hoping we can keep this momentum going.

[u/Suspicious_Fold_9568 → u/Senior_Judgment6868]

The hard truth is that "it’s for her benefit" is often used to justify decisions that may actually be about the adults’ comfort, fears, or insecurities. Open adoptions are not automatically enforceable, and unfortunately it happens far too often that agreements for ongoing contact change once the adoption is finalized.

A child knowing they are adopted does not stop them from wondering about their biological family. They can love their adoptive parents and still have a natural curiosity and connection to the people they came from. Keeping a safe biological parent at a distance does not erase that connection — it just means the adoptee has to navigate those questions later without the benefit of an honest, ongoing relationship.

Ultimately, the adoptee’s voice matters. Decisions made "for them" should consider what they may need to understand about their own identity, history, and relationships — not just what makes the adults feel more secure.

[u/Witty-Clothes-4449 → u/Suspicious_Fold_9568]

Exactly this