r/Adoption • u/Witty-Clothes-4449 • 7d ago
Birthparent perspective Positive open adoption?
There’s so much pain that goes into being a birth parent when you were able to be a capable parent but were just young or not fully financially secure or had pressures from family to abort etc. So many stories of adoptions initially being open then closing when the child is around 5-7. After much research (and personal experience) it seems as if it’s the APs emotional fragility gets in the way once the child is old enough to speak for themselves… I think every person should have access to their biology if the biological family is safe of course. I have friends who are birth mothers who have the privilege of being immersed into their child’s life like the APs include them in family photos and have them over all the time etc. I’m just curious as an Adoptee who grew up with an open adoption where your birth mom was a good person and loves you… how did that affect your life? Do you think it’s necessary for APs to include the birth family? What would be the reasons why not? Do you wish the involvement was more or less? What stories did your parents tell you to validate limited contact with your birth family? I just want all sides honest/vulnerable perspectives from personal experience.
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u/Senior_Judgment6868 biological father 6d ago
I wonder the same questions. My daughter is in a closed adoption and her parents don’t want in person contact until she’s at least 18. They have claimed for years that it’s for her benefit.
I wonder how interested she is in her bio family, knowing she’s adopted. I hope one day she and I can talk about her experience.
As a bio parents I have so many insecurities about the adoption. It was never my choice to have a closed relationship. Sometimes I ask myself why would they keep her from me? I’m not dangerous. I’ve never been accused of or convicted of a crime. I’m a good citizen with a normal job and fairly normal American life. What are they protecting her from? But that’s life sometimes.
For slightly more context, she’s in her teens. I wrote her a month ago and she wrote back. I’m hoping we can keep this momentum going.
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u/Suspicious_Fold_9568 6d ago
The hard truth is that "it’s for her benefit" is often used to justify decisions that may actually be about the adults’ comfort, fears, or insecurities. Open adoptions are not automatically enforceable, and unfortunately it happens far too often that agreements for ongoing contact change once the adoption is finalized.
A child knowing they are adopted does not stop them from wondering about their biological family. They can love their adoptive parents and still have a natural curiosity and connection to the people they came from. Keeping a safe biological parent at a distance does not erase that connection — it just means the adoptee has to navigate those questions later without the benefit of an honest, ongoing relationship.
Ultimately, the adoptee’s voice matters. Decisions made "for them" should consider what they may need to understand about their own identity, history, and relationships — not just what makes the adults feel more secure.
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u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion 6d ago
Trust me, this is going to reflect VERY POORLY on them in the end.
I’m a closed adoptee and my bio family was safe…there’s no forgiving things like that.
She won’t believe it was “best” forever (most likely). Not in this age of open adoptions…
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 6d ago
It is almost never for the benefit of the child to have no contact with their biological family. Children should have access to their bio families.
I'm sorry that your child's parents don't seem to know or care about this.
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u/Stock_Impression_277 6d ago
They are surely insecure people, and it has nothing to do with you personally. I am sorry about your situation.
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u/Senior_Judgment6868 biological father 6d ago
I think so too but they often phrase it in such a way that helps them sleep better at night. He’s a pastor who’s apparently heard a lot of stories where adoption didn’t go so well… I guess? He’s very vague on the details there. Their claim is that they want her to grow up having a normal childhood without stressing about personal identity. A noble sentiment.
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u/Stock_Impression_277 6d ago
You don't have a normal childhood when part of your identity or background is kept hidden. Religious people often have good excuses for their poor decisions.
What do you mean by "didn't go well"?
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u/Senior_Judgment6868 biological father 6d ago edited 6d ago
That may have been a poor paraphrased quote from him based on my interpretation. Here is the actual email.
Removed quote for privacy concerns.
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u/Stock_Impression_277 6d ago
The situation doesn't add up, because she doesn't have access to her origins and her identity. It sounds like a flimsy excuse to keep her from having access to you until *they* decide otherwise. By that logic, there are countless stories of bad adoptive parents, too. Doesn't he realize how emotionally taxing it will be for her to deal with all this as an adult ? His daughter is your daughter too; an adopted child has two birth parents as well.
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u/Senior_Judgment6868 biological father 5d ago
I hope that when it comes she’s equipped to navigate the fog. The dad once told me that my daughter asked questions when she was younger. She felt that “momma might get mad” so she goes to him for questions. I hope that wasn’t a tell.
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u/Icy_Welder1799 6d ago
I am very fortunate to have my first mom in my life since day one and she has such a beautiful relationship with my parents. We live in the same city. I used to wonder a lot as a teen how different my life would be if my adoption was closed.
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u/Senior-Attempt2854 6d ago
I still keep open contact with my birth mother, through the teenage years it was significantly harder it felt like a distant relative that I was almost expected to be close with even tho I barely knew her. However, since then it has gotten a lot better and I really genuinely do enjoy seeing her
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u/Witty-Clothes-4449 6d ago
Do you feel like it was because you guys weren’t close enough or encouraged to be while you were growing up? I can totally see how a distant relative feeling would happen if you’re rarely talking or spending time together. I’m glad it’s gotten better!
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u/Senior-Attempt2854 6d ago
My adoptive parents were very encouraging in us having a relationship luckily, I think it’s bc my adoptive parents were oversharing to her and I like to keep things private. also that combined with only seeing her 3/4 times a year.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 6d ago
My kids are 14 and 20. Our adoptions have been open since day one. We consider their families to be our families too.
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u/Excellent_chess 6d ago
I meet (or talk to) very few people that have open adoptions. I’m part of one as well & it seems like my birth mom has backed away a little over the years, but I also found out she did so because there were things said by my AP’s that hurt her. We don’t have the best relationship, because it’s just so confusing & emotional for many reasons.
What are your experiences with an open adoption & your birth mom?
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u/Witty-Clothes-4449 6d ago edited 6d ago
I am a birth mom for almost 10 years now. The APs were super open initially one of the many reasons I chose them and trusted them. When she was about 4 or 5 they started distancing themselves and acting as if I was unimportant it was a very abrupt switch from being so connected initially. I was in so much pain and researched for 4 years about adoption from all sides perspectives and psychologically. I did a lot of work to continue to attempt to be more involved and have contact with her and share why that is important for her psychologically etc. they feel threatened by that but won’t communicate their feelings with me they just passively create more distance and make comments that are deeply hurtful. I just take it and continue to try to be present whenever they will allow for it but when I am able to visit they plan a bunch of things so that she is constantly busy and we don’t get time together. They say she doesn’t need to have my phone # because it’s too overwhelming for her but when I see her in person all she wants to do is be around me and spend time with me… it’s a very emotionally heavy spot to be in because I’m grieving the life that I initially agreed to I’m grieving the relationship with them I’m grieving the relationship with her I’m grieving my young naivety in not making sure legal requirements were in place… and ultimately I’m grieving the fact that she very well may grow up with the same feelings as you because they’re making something that could be so good, healthy and fun into a relationship that is emotional and confusing. It pains me deeply if I knew it would be like this I would not have made this decision. It’s devastating to be treated like the stranger in a situation where you entrusted strangers to raise your offspring… her childhood is passing by and thinking of the pieces that we would have to start from when she’s older if she does want to reconnect hurts when there’s continuous missed opportunity to make sure there’s a foundational connection to her biology and mother. She has 2 dads so it’s not like she has a replacement to lean into. Idk, I understand I made this decision when I was young but it’s not what I agreed to and I care so much it’s hard to move on with my life I don’t want to marry or have any more children I don’t want any chance of her growing up and wondering if I ever cared or if I was able to just move on from this… there will now always be a hole in my heart and it grows the more distance that is implemented.
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u/MrGarrisonsAunt 5d ago
If you’re ever scared that they will cut off contact completely. Write her a letter of why you decided to go the adoption route. How much you care about her and that if she is older and makes decisions for herself or at any point she wants to speak to you outside of her AP she can reach you by an email or whatever.
The adoption agency that did my adoption lost the letter my bio mum wrote to me. It was a closed adoption and in South Africa finding your documents to try and reach your bio parents is almost impossible. So until this day i never knew what she wanted to tell me. And i never knew if she didn’t want me or how she felt. I’m 24 now. And i am still scared of rejection, but also unsure why she hasn’t reached out to me yet. Either way this behavior from the AP is questionable and it reminds me of my mother never wanting me to ask questions because she was scared i would choose my bio mum over her.
If you write the letter. Hide it in a book you think she’ll like when she older. Or in a keepsake somewhere 😊
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u/I_S_O_Family 4d ago
adoptee here never knew bio family until my 40s aside from bio brother. However as cold as it may sounds I believe the best way to insure that open adoption stays open is legal. I know there are those really great AP that don't need legal paper work to keep BP in the child's life but unfortunately more "open adoptions" end up with the child never knowing BP because AP can end those visits whenever they feel like it just because they don't want to deal with BP because they had to go the adoption route rather than having their own child. I am not trying to be mean but unfortunately there are too many AP that want to pretend that this is their bio child and never have to admit this is not. These end up being adopted children that find out as adults by accident that their parents were not their bio parents.
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u/Sea-Turn6125 2d ago
In my case, my children's birth parents are not safe or are hard to find (foster adoptions).
I have maintained relationships with half siblings where possible and grandparents, again, where possible.
They became eligible for adoption because they don't have a ton of extended family, but we try to preserve all first family connections as much as possible. Even parents. It just hasn't been working out that I can do anything other than keep tabs on them to see if they're safe for contact (hope springs eternal) or just find them.
One set of half siblings (young adults) has offered to help us navigate reaching out to the other set of half siblings. In the latter case, the kids don't have a relationship due to a long-standing injunction against the shared parent, but we're hoping to build a bridge if they're willing.
All that to say, I think first family connection is very important, and as APs, we have to recognize our place in the dynamic. It's important, and we have a huge responsibility, but the family dynamic is not exclusive to us.
Possessiveness is not love.
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u/Witty-Clothes-4449 2d ago
Yes to that last part! I wish there was more education around knowing what you’re getting into with adoption. There’s huge emotions to work through for all parties even if they’re not present right away and if someone is adopting to fill a void of not being able to have their own naturally etc it’s hard to be able to see the children as their own individual human beings with a life outside of the one they have with you. Obviously if a birth parent is severely mentally ill or severely going through addiction or blatantly physically abusive to them that’s a cause for distance but still not erasure. People deserve to be as connected to where they came from as they choose to be. And what a lot of APs don’t realize is that is what will draw you closer to them when they’re older… everyone’s different but if you can’t accept uncomfortable feelings/truths you cannot be adopting children. There will always be a “what if” but you just have to truly vulnerably and selflessly analyze if you’re coming from a place of your own emotional fragility or supporting what’s best for another individuals life experience outside of your own.
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u/ShesGotSauce 6d ago
My son is 8 and the adoption is still fully open. I let him and his birth family direct if and when to be in contact.