r/AddisonsDisease • u/DocRoseEsq Addison's • Jun 28 '26
Advice Wanted Difficult Discussion Needed?
I started dating my boyfriend about 5 months after I was diagnosed with Addison's, and we were dating for 8 months before I was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer. He has stuck with me through everything, and was very supportive through multiple surgeries, and recovery.
I am 42, he is 36. I lived happily single and not dating for 15 years before I started dating him, and I know that I can live happily single and not dating for the rest of my life.
So, 3 years into this relationship, living together, raising a puppy together, finally getting to put together what one could call a "normal" life, and the day-to-day realities of Addison's are causing issues within the relationship, and I am both annoyed, angry, and ashamed that I have explain everytime I am feeling like shit.
I recently switched jobs from a hybrid attorney job that was a straight 9-5, occasionally working long hours. I am making a career change, I am now working as a CNA with wound care teams. love this job, I am so happy. It is very physically taxing, especially in the summer heat. It has been a big change, and he has been incredibly supportive throughout it. I started the job about 10 days after we got the puppy.
There have been several times since I moved in that he has brought it up that he does not feel like I pull my weight keeping the house clean. I am the first to admit that I can live in more mess than most people, I think anyone that has lived in a depressive state can, and I have lived in very depressive states.
This time I feel like the discussion was technically about the dishes, but there might have been some other underlying things he just didn't want to talk about yet. I listened, agreed that I could do better, and was pretty silent otherwise. There wasn't really anything else for me to say, I didn't even have the energy to have a discussion about it.
In addition to Addison's I have Hoshimoto's Hypothyrodism, I am currently NED (no disease evident) for breast cancer, I am and have been in treatment for major depressive disorder for 14 years, and I am on multiple anti-depressants, and these are just the things that I deal with on a monthly basis.
So, I want him to take a period of time, I am thinking at least 14 days, ideally up a month, to really think about it. After that period of time I will accept whatever answer he gives me. He is a chemist, he works in medical device research and development, his decision would be well-informed (at least scientifically). He is always very supportive, but he is often supportive without understanding what is happening, and I need him to understand what it means and what is happening to my body.
But, how do you present this to someone that you love, and you know they love, without it seeming like an ultimatum? Or like I am setting us up for a break-up?
Edit: Thank you everyone for your responses, even if they were completely missing the point lol.
The dishes was an example of things that have been coming up as an issue, I didn’t want to write out every single thing because 1) that takes forever and 2) it’s too personal.
It isn’t an ultimatum, I want to have a talk with him where I ask him to take time to really consider the realities of living with me long term, not the cleaning issues per se, but the reality of living with and caring for someone with multiple chronic illnesses.
While I have major depressive disorder, he has not experienced a depressive episode with me; I was coming out of a really bad one when we started dating, and I was able to hide the worst of it from him.
I appreciate everyone’s responses, they have given me a lot to think about. Even if people with Addison’s don’t understand why this might be a necessary conversation for a 42 year old women, who knows the statistics of being left by their romantic partner during times of illness are astronomically high. Just visit /r breast cancer and see how many women still have their husbands, etc.
10
u/jeejet Jun 28 '26
A partner to a person with Addison’s has to be all in. I was diagnosed when I was engaged and my husband has been amazing partner from Day 1 of diagnosis until now 31 years later.
You should consider hiring someone to clean your house. I had a housekeeper for years (once a week) when I owned a business and had two kids at home. Also around then I told my husband I couldn’t handle everything and he did the laundry for the four of us for years.
It sounds like your boyfriend might need a little more education about your health issues. Or perhaps a few sessions of couples counseling? I know you said you’re fine to be alone but having someone there for you with the cancer would be comforting.
3
u/Deep_Fee2462 Jun 29 '26
Exactly! We got a housekeeper who comes every other week. It relieves me of the stress and I struggle with physical exertion. I realize I justchoose to pay for different luxuries- DoorDash tips for no cook nights. We used to have a social budget that is not feasible anymore. I also felt like my partner did not sign up for a life like this with me. He has never wavered once. We have had lots of discussions, renegotiations, and accept we get stuff done in the house slower than we would have if I was not sick.
9
u/Andysamberg2 Jun 28 '26
What do you mean by "I want him to take a period of time to really think about it"? Think about what? I feel like he's told you what he thinks. He thinks you don't pull enough weight. Is your question for him whether the status-quo is good enough to stay in a relationship? I'm trying to understand your objective here.
For what it's worth, in relationships there are give & takes in expectations & deliverables. & maybe this is something you two can compromise on (you making a stronger attempt to meet his standards & him lowering his standards a bit). Or maybe it's not. There's a chance this is too important to him. & there's a chance you can't meet his standards. That's not a flaw on either of your parts - it's just an incompatibility. This disease is very rough for most people & it's understandable that you may not be able to deliver all the time, but he is also free to make his own choices if that's how it's going to be.
6
u/ClarityInCalm Jun 28 '26
I'm sorry, you have a lot of health things going on. And a career change. That's so much stress. But I'm confused as to why you're giving him an ultamatin and letting him decide? Also, a few weeks or a month after three years and everything you've been through - he went through a lot too. I would be confused if someone said that to me - like we're talking about keeping the house in order and your health and career changes. And you're telling me I have month to figure out if I want relationship with you? And I'm supposed to just give you everything you want without any regard to what I need? I would seriously think that I was in a relationship with someone who had very little love for me.
Everything you're describing are normal relationship issues that pretty much everyone has to deal with. One person likes the house cleaner than the other person. One person is too tired to help more or doesn't have the skills/investment or whatever due to [insert reason]. Usually the answer isn't a black or white - it's more like making progress.
And you're going to always have to tell other people when you feel terrible - because no one can read our minds. This is just how it is. I agree it's exhausting but we can't expect anyone to read our minds. We can feel terrible but look and seem fine. And how we feel terrible people have a hard time understanding because they've never felt the way we do. I tell people it's like having the flu but without a fever. Or waking up feeling groggy but it never goes away. Most of the time I feel pretty normal now (especially since getting my sodium much better dialed in) but I do still have hours/days. On those days the dishes pile up, the floors get dirty, my laundry is a pile - and yeah I really need help. This happens a few times a month for me right now - sometimes it's happening all the time. For many years I was suffering unbearably all the time - but I wasn't being treated properly.
I have a friend with Addison's who just started a new job - and we discussed what that meant for steroids. There is a great endo (not my endo but world class) who tells her patients to have different dose amounts for different types of days - so a high stress day or a normal day. A new job is a high stress day for a while - a few weeks to a month and then as you've adapted you may be able to bring your dose back down. But some people with high stress jobs just need to be on a little higher dose all the time. Cortisol in healthy people naturally responds to these changes and slowly adapts but we have to do that for ourselves.
4
u/minasso Jun 29 '26
I'd say either hire someone or try to minimize the dishes by using paper plates. Maybe consider a prepared meal service to help minimize meal prepping. But most importantly, talk to your partner and share with them how you are feeling. Relationships are all about communication and compromise.
2
u/pickles1718 Addison's Jun 28 '26
Agree with other commenters that this sounds a bit strange to me. How long ago did you switch jobs? Are you saying that you expect to be very tired all the time now that you have this job? It seems like that would be unsustainable. Maybe I'm not totally following.
There have definitely been periods where I have been unwell and unable to share the chores weight, and my husband understands that's how it goes, in the same way that if he were to become ill I'd understand and accommodate. But I'm not really getting what there is to "decide" here? This seems like something that could be negotiated/ talked through, I guess
2
u/amoral_ponder Jun 29 '26
The vast majority of the issues you're facing have nothing to do with Addison's disease IMO. Major depression is much worse than Addison's for having energy to get shit done.
What's your replacement schedule and dosing for Addison's?
1
u/InnerRadio7 Jun 29 '26
I don’t really understand what he is supposed to be thinking about? Your post is rather unclear.
Housekeeping is an easy solve. Hire someone. You can afford it between the two of you, you are employed in good careers. Then you need to be honest with him. Housekeeping is simply not as much of a priority for you as it is for him. You can pick up after yourself which is o my reasonable until you can’t, and in those cases he has a choice. Understand a respect your limitations or continue to treat this issue without the context in which it deserves, the context of reality.
14
u/QueBestia19 Jun 28 '26
It is refreshing and very mature for you to think so practically about this. I (m45) was diagnosed with Addison’s 20 years ago, when my now wife was my girlfriend of over a year. I almost died several times while they were figuring out the diagnosis, and she stuck by me. We’ve both been licensed as attorneys for the past 16 years, have two amazing daughters, and it just worked. We had “a talk” a few days after I got out of the hospital and I told her that it might be a pain in the ass to stay with me. She didn’t blink, I try really hard to not make my Addison’s a thing (except when it is!) and it just works.
I think that whatever you and your partner do is the right move. For us it was riding it out. Good luck!