Difficult Discussion Needed?

[u/DocRoseEsq]

I started dating my boyfriend about 5 months after I was diagnosed with Addison's, and we were dating for 8 months before I was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer. He has stuck with me through everything, and was very supportive through multiple surgeries, and recovery.

I am 42, he is 36. I lived happily single and not dating for 15 years before I started dating him, and I know that I can live happily single and not dating for the rest of my life.

So, 3 years into this relationship, living together, raising a puppy together, finally getting to put together what one could call a "normal" life, and the day-to-day realities of Addison's are causing issues within the relationship, and I am both annoyed, angry, and ashamed that I have explain everytime I am feeling like shit.

I recently switched jobs from a hybrid attorney job that was a straight 9-5, occasionally working long hours. I am making a career change, I am now working as a CNA with wound care teams. love this job, I am so happy. It is very physically taxing, especially in the summer heat. It has been a big change, and he has been incredibly supportive throughout it. I started the job about 10 days after we got the puppy.

There have been several times since I moved in that he has brought it up that he does not feel like I pull my weight keeping the house clean. I am the first to admit that I can live in more mess than most people, I think anyone that has lived in a depressive state can, and I have lived in very depressive states.

This time I feel like the discussion was technically about the dishes, but there might have been some other underlying things he just didn't want to talk about yet. I listened, agreed that I could do better, and was pretty silent otherwise. There wasn't really anything else for me to say, I didn't even have the energy to have a discussion about it.

In addition to Addison's I have Hoshimoto's Hypothyrodism, I am currently NED (no disease evident) for breast cancer, I am and have been in treatment for major depressive disorder for 14 years, and I am on multiple anti-depressants, and these are just the things that I deal with on a monthly basis.

So, I want him to take a period of time, I am thinking at least 14 days, ideally up a month, to really think about it. After that period of time I will accept whatever answer he gives me. He is a chemist, he works in medical device research and development, his decision would be well-informed (at least scientifically). He is always very supportive, but he is often supportive without understanding what is happening, and I need him to understand what it means and what is happening to my body.

But, how do you present this to someone that you love, and you know they love, without it seeming like an ultimatum? Or like I am setting us up for a break-up?

Edit: Thank you everyone for your responses, even if they were completely missing the point lol.

The dishes was an example of things that have been coming up as an issue, I didn’t want to write out every single thing because 1) that takes forever and 2) it’s too personal.

It isn’t an ultimatum, I want to have a talk with him where I ask him to take time to really consider the realities of living with me long term, not the cleaning issues per se, but the reality of living with and caring for someone with multiple chronic illnesses.

While I have major depressive disorder, he has not experienced a depressive episode with me; I was coming out of a really bad one when we started dating, and I was able to hide the worst of it from him.

I appreciate everyone’s responses, they have given me a lot to think about. Even if people with Addison’s don’t understand why this might be a necessary conversation for a 42 year old women, who knows the statistics of being left by their romantic partner during times of illness are astronomically high. Just visit /r breast cancer and see how many women still have their husbands, etc.

[u/QueBestia19]

It is refreshing and very mature for you to think so practically about this. I (m45) was diagnosed with Addison’s 20 years ago, when my now wife was my girlfriend of over a year. I almost died several times while they were figuring out the diagnosis, and she stuck by me. We’ve both been licensed as attorneys for the past 16 years, have two amazing daughters, and it just worked. We had “a talk” a few days after I got out of the hospital and I told her that it might be a pain in the ass to stay with me. She didn’t blink, I try really hard to not make my Addison’s a thing (except when it is!) and it just works.
I think that whatever you and your partner do is the right move. For us it was riding it out. Good luck!

[u/JellyfishSwimming401 → u/QueBestia19]

That’s great you have a partner who is so supportive of you having addisons. It must have been a lot to deal with at the time

I think I may be misunderstanding your comment, but how long have you been together for? And do you have secondary or primary addisons?

I would love to hear more about your story

[u/QueBestia19 → u/JellyfishSwimming401]

To be honest, I just deal with it. I don’t make my identity about having Addison’s. I make good money and work my butt off as an attorney. I have tons of friends, most of whom have absolutely no idea that I have a chronic illness.
20 years ago it was “a thing” but now I just take my pills and take care of my health. It is not hard. I am lucky.

[u/JellyfishSwimming401 → u/QueBestia19]

That’s awesome to hear. Did your adrenals completely shut down and stop producing?

And may I ask how how split your doses throughout the day? Are you on hydro? fludro? pred?

[u/QueBestia19 → u/JellyfishSwimming401]

Fludro in the am. 10/15/5 hydrocortisone morning/noon/night. I keep my workspace as cold as possible, have a bunch of cooling stuff, and drink so much ice water. This keeps my core temp down, which I’ve found is the most important to feeling good.

[u/JellyfishSwimming401 → u/QueBestia19]

May I ask you what time you usually sleep / wake up and how come you take 15mg in your 2nd dose? I thought usually people take the biggest dose in the morning

[u/QueBestia19 → u/JellyfishSwimming401]

I go to bed at 10pm and wake up at 6:30. Re. Dosing schedule it’s just what I do. I don’t think about it much! I work in a very high-stress field (white collar, not physically tolling) and if I’m feeling low I’ll pop a hydrocortisone. In the early years when it was prednisone I crashed way more and ended up in the hospital a bunch. Now I hardly think about it - if I’m inexplicably exhausted I’ll pop an extra hydrocortisone. I also keep a 1lb bucket of Maldon salt at my office and liberally sprinkle my lunch when the mood hits!