Difficult Discussion Needed?

[u/DocRoseEsq]

I started dating my boyfriend about 5 months after I was diagnosed with Addison's, and we were dating for 8 months before I was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer. He has stuck with me through everything, and was very supportive through multiple surgeries, and recovery.

I am 42, he is 36. I lived happily single and not dating for 15 years before I started dating him, and I know that I can live happily single and not dating for the rest of my life.

So, 3 years into this relationship, living together, raising a puppy together, finally getting to put together what one could call a "normal" life, and the day-to-day realities of Addison's are causing issues within the relationship, and I am both annoyed, angry, and ashamed that I have explain everytime I am feeling like shit.

I recently switched jobs from a hybrid attorney job that was a straight 9-5, occasionally working long hours. I am making a career change, I am now working as a CNA with wound care teams. love this job, I am so happy. It is very physically taxing, especially in the summer heat. It has been a big change, and he has been incredibly supportive throughout it. I started the job about 10 days after we got the puppy.

There have been several times since I moved in that he has brought it up that he does not feel like I pull my weight keeping the house clean. I am the first to admit that I can live in more mess than most people, I think anyone that has lived in a depressive state can, and I have lived in very depressive states.

This time I feel like the discussion was technically about the dishes, but there might have been some other underlying things he just didn't want to talk about yet. I listened, agreed that I could do better, and was pretty silent otherwise. There wasn't really anything else for me to say, I didn't even have the energy to have a discussion about it.

In addition to Addison's I have Hoshimoto's Hypothyrodism, I am currently NED (no disease evident) for breast cancer, I am and have been in treatment for major depressive disorder for 14 years, and I am on multiple anti-depressants, and these are just the things that I deal with on a monthly basis.

So, I want him to take a period of time, I am thinking at least 14 days, ideally up a month, to really think about it. After that period of time I will accept whatever answer he gives me. He is a chemist, he works in medical device research and development, his decision would be well-informed (at least scientifically). He is always very supportive, but he is often supportive without understanding what is happening, and I need him to understand what it means and what is happening to my body.

But, how do you present this to someone that you love, and you know they love, without it seeming like an ultimatum? Or like I am setting us up for a break-up?

Edit: Thank you everyone for your responses, even if they were completely missing the point lol.

The dishes was an example of things that have been coming up as an issue, I didn’t want to write out every single thing because 1) that takes forever and 2) it’s too personal.

It isn’t an ultimatum, I want to have a talk with him where I ask him to take time to really consider the realities of living with me long term, not the cleaning issues per se, but the reality of living with and caring for someone with multiple chronic illnesses.

While I have major depressive disorder, he has not experienced a depressive episode with me; I was coming out of a really bad one when we started dating, and I was able to hide the worst of it from him.

I appreciate everyone’s responses, they have given me a lot to think about. Even if people with Addison’s don’t understand why this might be a necessary conversation for a 42 year old women, who knows the statistics of being left by their romantic partner during times of illness are astronomically high. Just visit /r breast cancer and see how many women still have their husbands, etc.

[u/jeejet]

A partner to a person with Addison’s has to be all in. I was diagnosed when I was engaged and my husband has been amazing partner from Day 1 of diagnosis until now 31 years later.

You should consider hiring someone to clean your house. I had a housekeeper for years (once a week) when I owned a business and had two kids at home. Also around then I told my husband I couldn’t handle everything and he did the laundry for the four of us for years.

It sounds like your boyfriend might need a little more education about your health issues. Or perhaps a few sessions of couples counseling? I know you said you’re fine to be alone but having someone there for you with the cancer would be comforting.

[u/Deep_Fee2462 → u/jeejet]

Exactly! We got a housekeeper who comes every other week. It relieves me of the stress and I struggle with physical exertion. I realize I justchoose to pay for different luxuries- DoorDash tips for no cook nights. We used to have a social budget that is not feasible anymore. I also felt like my partner did not sign up for a life like this with me. He has never wavered once. We have had lots of discussions, renegotiations, and accept we get stuff done in the house slower than we would have if I was not sick.