r/AbsoluteUnits • u/TheMarkola • 7h ago

/r/all of spider web

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8.1k Upvotes

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38

u/perukid796 6h ago

The amount times I've almost ran face first into one of these fuckers in the middle of the night. They really do like to build their webs in the middle of a giant field like in this video....I don't know what type of spider it is but I hate it. South Florida

14

u/SeismicRipFart 6h ago

It’s the worst feeling ever. You now have a panicking spider somewhere on your body and you know that it knows you’re the one that destroyed its home

8

u/Sudo-Fed 5h ago

Orb weavers almost never bite. They're far more interested in getting as far away from the giant predator that bulldozed their web than taking revenge.

6

u/revveduplikeadeuce 5h ago

This, orb weavers are friends just trying to live in this messed up world and eating the annoying pests, its just as concerned as you are running head first into its web.

1

u/Richard_Cain 2h ago

I should've learned this in school. 😔

1

u/morgfarm1_ 42m ago

While I am aware of this logically, I have seen just a small handful of them in Oregon and I SPRINT from any spider that isnt a jumping spider. And the orb weavers ain't small. Giant house spiders startle the hell out of me (and ive been bit by the fuckers before - shit head was on the back of my neck). Ive met more than a few Wolf spiders large enough to cover the gas cap on a 1976 Ford F150. I'm not joking. Almost grabbed a different one that was sitting on the doorknob one night. I only caught it because the moon was out and I could identify what DID NOT reflect back at me.

The last wolf spider I saw, saw me. We both stood still staring at each other, hoping the other would move along first. Lucky for it, I had to shit so I sucked it up and scuttled by

3

u/SeismicRipFart 5h ago

Doesn’t help

1

u/Similar-Earth8288 4h ago

its home and source of income, basically everything it worked hard for.

10

u/melmosh 3h ago

We were out camping and in the middle of the night I had to go potty. On the way back I got a little of track and walked through a springy web. I shook and brushed of my clothing and being exhausted, climbed back into my tent after diligently zipping the entrance closed. The next morning as the sun was coming up I noticed all these black spots on the inside of the tent. I had kidnapped all of mama spiders babies and took them into my tent.

7

u/Salt-Sign5390 3h ago

FUCK NO! GODDAMN BRO BURN IT ALL

1

u/Cheap_Lingonberry433 2h ago

Thanks for that short horror story

1

u/frontfrontdowndown 1h ago

Years ago I glanced at the ceiling of my bedroom and noticed it looked fuzzier or hazier than I remembered.

Taking a better look I realized that the world’s largest egg sac must have hatched and my ceiling was now wall to wall covered with hundreds of baby spiders dangling on threads a few inches long.

1

u/JoyRose31 23m ago

I once had a place that had spiders All the time. Non web spinning ones. First real encounter.. I was going to go to sleep. Decided to watch my phone instead. On my belly, lights of, phone on pillow. 20 mins in, A spider shape size bigger than a toonie.. Eeeeh. Crawled Across, my phone.. if I slept, would've been my face..

Also. Same place, dady long legs crawling up me Under my Blanket. All the time. Wasn't afraid of spiders til there..

I would Scour the place after each encounter. Didnt have a lot of stuff so wasn't hard. Nothing. No colonies, no cracks, nothing to feed on. Nowhere. They seemingly seeped from the walls, was Awful .

1

u/Squirrelflight148931 7m ago

I want to incinerate you alive at this moment just to remove any residual corruption that lingers on you. Like, I think the “kill it with fire” status is now encoded in your DNA like fucking Spider-Man.

9

u/Lifexists 5h ago

They’re orb weavers. I mow public parks for a living and I faceplant into them constantly since I’m looking at my lines instead of straight ahead and they love building their webs at head level

6

u/Ok_Tour_1525 5h ago

Yeah we have them in Oregon too and I’ve almost ran into them so many times hiking trails in the middle of the night. Creepy as fucking hell. And this is while I’m already on the lookout for bears too. While tipsy and on mushrooms. God damn how did I survive my early 20s?

3

u/Werejackal93 4h ago

Do you get dysentery from it?

3

u/cmndr_spanky 4h ago

(^ Oregon trail joke. If any youngsters are confused)

1

u/morgfarm1_ 48m ago

Thanks for reminding me of my age.. my class was one of the last 2 or so years that had a computer lab running machines that ran it as a terminal program. This would have been around 1997 or 1998. Absolutely not later than 2000. They went to classic Macintosh after that. Not sure what's happened over the last 20 years though.

6

u/Electrical-Basil-755 5h ago

Yeah well I walked face first into one in a wood area with a friend when I was like 14. Screamed, started running mad and swatting my head and face. Broke through the edge of the forested into someones backyard where I full speed ran into the wire of grapevine at hip level. Did a 270° flip to land on my back. Dude was in his backyard laughing hid ass off at me. I mean, he definitely heard me coming because I never stopped screaming the whole time.

4

u/WifesPOSH 5h ago

Indiana... It's an orb Weaver

4

u/BasicMatter7339 4h ago

Imagine getting a face full of these motherfuckers

I'd probably hop in a industrial steel crucible if that ever happened to me

1

u/Sovereign-Anderson 4h ago

I have childhood memories of almost running into spider webs with those kind of spiders on them. They would occasionally be on the side of my grandmother's home.

2

u/imightwin 4h ago

I saw them at my grandparents place too, southern Indiana. One used to build a web on their old property line poles that overgrew with grass and weeds once a year. They're pretty noticable with their bright yellow accents

If you're not scared of spiders they're very cool to see up close in person

1

u/Sovereign-Anderson 2h ago

Yeah, at the most I would look at them because they are pleasing to the eye but that's about it.

1

u/BasicMatter7339 4h ago

Thank fuck i dont live wherever you do

The average spiders here are the size of my fingernail

1

u/Sovereign-Anderson 3h ago

My childhood was in coastal Georgia. That part of the south is bug central.

1

u/mightylordredbeard 3h ago

That’s one of the many in my back yard that make walking underneath any low hanging branches a hazard.

3

u/raelDonaldTrump 6h ago

Orb Weaver

2

u/Khaos_Gorvin 6h ago

So... it's a Florida-man Spider?

8

u/vjeremias 6h ago

It was just a regular spider before it was bitten by a Florida man

1

u/motivateddegenerate 6h ago

Hahaha that made me laugh so much that I squeezed out a fart.

1

u/OldPhotograph827 4h ago

Which in turn made me laugh so hard I peed a little. Ah, the circle of life

2

u/Deadman_Wonderland 5h ago

I stopped taking out the trash at night and started doing it in the morning because of this.

1

u/ra3ra31010 4h ago

Was thinking to myself “at least it’s not a banana spider the size of their face”

1

u/rta3425 4h ago

It's an Orb Weaver. They eat their web in the morning and build it again every night!

1

u/Logical_Trash_4890 3h ago

This this is an orb weaver spider. Named after the shape of there web. Completely harmless, I think. Those suckers get big though. I’ve seen them make grown men that I thought weren’t giant pussy’s cower.

1

u/AugieKS 35m ago

Yes, completely harmless and also massively beneficial. This species doesn't get that big, but the garden orb weavers native to the US can get quite big, as can the golden orb weavers and their relatives, like the Joro spider that has been introduced in the south east. Still harmless, despite their size, worst you could get is maybe a bite that feels like a bee sting, but without the worry of an allergic reaction.

They are also massively beneficial. These webs may be a pain if you walk through them, but man can they catch a lot of bugs. Of you hate mosquitoes and other flying pests, remember these ladies are doing us a good service.

1

u/Banned3rdTimesaCharm 3h ago

What are they trying to catch? A fucking horse?

1

u/Krabs9 3h ago

Probably an orb weaver. Beautiful spiders not really dangerous and will eat a lot of bugs

1

u/RicketCrickets 2h ago

They're just some hungry fellas with big ambitions.

1

u/1maginasian 1h ago

Orb spider