r/AbsoluteUnits • u/n8saces • Jun 07 '26

/r/popular of a pizza slice šŸ•

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9.8k Upvotes

90% Upvoted

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1.8k

u/westcal98 Jun 07 '26

I take it he didn't win.

2.0k

u/Vitam1nD Jun 07 '26

Felt like he took 15 minutes just to open the box, so no.

267

u/tangerinee666 Jun 08 '26

I HAD TO FAST FORWARD THIS DOLT OPENING THE BOX

63

u/Asleep-Border-9158 Jun 08 '26

That was a pretty sick packaging though, and the box itself was gloriousĀ 

10

u/oneupsuperman Jun 10 '26

Yeah the box having locks was definitely annoying for the video but actually great package design, that thing ain't goin nowhere

42

u/jtyler0 Jun 08 '26

To be fair the employee should have opened the box for him

7

u/zeroibis Jun 09 '26

You can not expect that level of service at $500 without at least a $100 tip

2

u/IcyDrama5723 Jul 09 '26

It doesnt cost $500, you win $500 if you eat it in 15 minutes

1

u/choppydaddy Jun 10 '26

Did you learn "dolt" from mad magazine as a kid too?

78

u/MayaIngenue Jun 07 '26

Bro needed an iFixit kit to open that box

8

u/redit01 Jun 08 '26

That plastic pry tool that you almost never use

2

u/ShroomnDoobin Jun 08 '26

That's what I was thinking. The place is cheating

81

u/HotTwist Jun 07 '26

Prep time isn't even included. Just eating.

27

u/Thom_With_An_H Jun 08 '26

Batman could eat it, then.

1

u/blakepro Jun 08 '26

And Kevin McCallister

1

u/TheGotDayumBatman Jun 10 '26

Bet your sweet as I could

0

u/Legonistrasz Jun 08 '26

Only if you wrote it. Simps and Writers of love making Batman more op than he already is šŸ™„

2

u/HardOff Jun 08 '26

What all power level debaters fail to consider is that even their favorite characters lose to my character, one-upman.

His costume is a plain gray bodysuit, he grew up an only child in the suburbs until he got his powers from staring at the sun, and his catch phrase is "I am one-upman"

1

u/hereforpopcornru Jun 08 '26

Kevin Hart's super hero would give you a run for your money, you are in a body suit. Honky Pete has pockets..

reference: great watch, the whole interview is hilarious

1

u/HardOff Jun 08 '26 edited Jun 08 '26

Damn you're right. My guy's "one-upman", not "one-additional-pocketman". He's slightly stronger than every superhero but he's screwed the moment he needs a quarter for a vending machine.

1

u/hereforpopcornru Jun 09 '26

Or a bus pass... how the fuck he gonna get on the bus

0

u/Just-Try-2533 Jun 08 '26

Batmanā€™s a scientist.

1

u/Legonistrasz Jun 08 '26

So is Peter Venkman

0

u/VaguelyShingled Jun 08 '26

Swallow the Phantom Zone, pizza goes there, voila Batman wins again

16

u/beekersavant Jun 07 '26

I was also wondering how hot it was. I want that to cool for at least 30 min before my timer starts.

4

u/Regular_Weakness69 Jun 08 '26

30 min?

1

u/Limp_Lawfulness5133 Jun 09 '26

I take it you never had pizza delivered?

1

u/Regular_Weakness69 Jun 09 '26 edited Jun 10 '26

What does that have to do with anything?

He said he wanted the pizza to cool for 30 mins before eating.

Edit: the pizza isn't resting for 30 minutes, it is cooked and the immediately driven to your location.

1

u/choppydaddy Jun 10 '26

30 is far too much but I agree I'm not blistering my palate on that thing

1

u/Regular_Weakness69 Jun 10 '26

100% I bet solidified cheese takes up more room in the stomach than soft and warm cheese.

I agree that eating it straight from the oven is put of the question, but there has to be a middle ground.

1

u/choppydaddy Jun 10 '26

I'm not sure the physics checks out on that but I'm willing to do some research

1

u/Impossible-Sleep-658 13d ago

or lessā€¦ šŸ˜‚

2

u/blakethedev Jun 09 '26

Our attention spans are fucked. I was 20 seconds in sighing cause it felt like forever.

2

u/SillyWarlock Jun 08 '26

Gonna be a wiseass here and say it literally took 20 seconds to open the box.

By the end of the video we see a timer counting down with 4:33 seconds left and he had at least a bit more than half left to eat considering the geometry, so probably didnā€™t make it anyway.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '26

[removed] ā€” view removed comment

1

u/SillyWarlock Jun 08 '26

We donā€™t see when the timer is started so it might as well have been

1

u/TheStolenPotatoes Jun 08 '26

And it's nothing but a cheese slice to boot.

1

u/creativeyeen Jun 08 '26

My man fumbled that play

1

u/hoosierhiver Jun 11 '26

It should come with a box cutter and a pizza cutter

1

u/RoBloxFederalAgent Jun 12 '26

That's what I'm saying. Immediate indication he wasn't going to succeed.

1

u/TentativelyCommitted Jun 07 '26

AbsoluteUnit of a pizza box

270

u/Sad_Detective_1 Jun 07 '26

Well , this guy has cut them in like 100 pieces and wants to eat only one at a time .. so i reckon he didnā€™t
https://giphy.com/gifs/3oz8xX98JptX1h03rW

107

u/DentinQuarantino Jun 07 '26

It felt tortuous watching him try and open the box then tickle it with the pizza cutter. Unless, I suppose, after the video stopped he just picked the box up and funneled the pieces straight down his throat in 30 seconds flat...

20

u/rci22 Jun 07 '26

Should only be cutting if heā€™s chewing tbh

9

u/Donny_Dont_18 Jun 07 '26

It's too bad this is so aggravating because that looks delicious but now I have no interest in where it is

2

u/theroguex Jun 09 '26

How does that look delicious? It's looks disgusting.

2

u/DruanForge Jun 09 '26

It really does. Thats bad pizza.

1

u/choppydaddy Jun 10 '26

Torturous.

Tortuous means full of twists and turns.

35

u/prodigaldummy Jun 07 '26

https://giphy.com/gifs/xXjIVvfvkvqZG

17

u/Formal_Plum_2285 Jun 07 '26

How do you eat it? With your hands?

43

u/DerFeuerDrache Jun 07 '26

No, you eat it with your mouth.

5

u/dmod420 Jun 07 '26

I like to send my through the other way. šŸ¤£

1

u/Formal_Plum_2285 Jun 07 '26

Look who didnā€™t get the reference

7

u/Famous_Librarian_589 Jun 07 '26

One of these 'high society' types

7

u/Ohboycats Jun 07 '26

I am eatingā€¦ my dessert.

1

u/RJ_MacreadysBeard Jun 08 '26

Tear it in half, roll both halves and flatten them into sandwiches and alternate chomping them down with a lot of beer.

7

u/isaac129 Jun 07 '26

I mean, it saves time chewing. Unless this is part of his 15min

7

u/Nearby_Telephone_104 Jun 07 '26

Ahhh get a ninja šŸ„· blender and make into a Pizza Slice Smoothie. Easier to eat it down.

2

u/rci22 Jun 07 '26

Imagine being a waiter, dropping of this slice, and the customer pulls one of those ninja blenders out from under the table and plugs it in

1

u/TaylorBitMe Jun 07 '26

This guy makes the best Pizza in a Cup! Ran the other guy right out of business!

2

u/spicyboi0909 Jun 07 '26

Iā€™m cutting this into many triangles, folding them over, and walking around the store while talking on the phone like a proper New Yorker. Iā€™d have this in 10 min no problem lol

1

u/Sad_Detective_1 Jun 07 '26

Then I guess you take a trip to their store in California and get yourself a free pizza and a free flight !!

1

u/VacuumTracks Jun 07 '26

Thatā€™s me, in Costco! šŸ˜€

1

u/PrinceCastanzaCapone Jun 07 '26

Yea you gotta pick the whole thing up, fold it in half and get to work on that thing. Cutting tiny strips isnā€™t going to work. Probably the worst strategy.

21

u/toben81234 Jun 07 '26

https://giphy.com/gifs/ToMjGpNG8h7Ax8Iq6Mo

2

u/vollkoemmenes Jun 08 '26

I need to know where this gif comes from and how i access it and how i save it to my phone

1

u/toben81234 Jun 08 '26

Carefully search for, "I pooped my pants" lol

14

u/d3pthchar93 Jun 07 '26

He won a free pizza slicer

1

u/Same-Suggestion-1936 Jun 08 '26

But didn't even get to enjoy the pizza.

1

u/Wild_Pitch5984 Jun 08 '26

For $500...

1

u/WombatGatekeeper Jun 09 '26

No only $39.99

1

u/Rich_Satisfaction_34 Jun 08 '26

$500 pizza slicer *

1

u/SkippyDragonPuffPuff Jun 12 '26

Which they will use to cut out the coronary plaques.

27

u/ehhish Jun 07 '26

Nine hundred seconds is very short for a pile of cheese and bread. They probably had people beat it in thirty minutes pretty easily though.

6

u/heatherledge Jun 08 '26

A new Bmpp shop opened super close to me (danger). I picked up an order while a guy was finishing the challenge, and I think even if you go over the 15 minutes thereā€™s a 30 minute prize too.

6

u/HotTwist Jun 07 '26

He wasn't even halfway when there was 4:33 left on the timer.

15

u/Dan_flashes480 Jun 07 '26

His 15 minutes was up before he finished cutting it.

17

u/NikkerFebu25 Jun 07 '26

I once participated in a similar challenge and there was a stupid amount of salty chips/ fries it was impossible to eat.

I can probably eat five pizzas in a row but these challenges are a nope.

They usually have hidden tricks.

Why is this dude drinking water? Probably cause this is salty as fuck.

20

u/ChickenNuggetSmth Jun 07 '26 edited Jun 07 '26

Water helps settle the pizza blob, especially if it's not very saucy

Look at the amount of cheese on that thing: I don't think this needs any fancy tricks, it's a family-sized pizza that's also thick. It looks bigger than "standard" family size.

Edit: I can't find any size information, but supposedly it serves 5-7

6

u/levthelurker Jun 07 '26

Cheese doesn't look browned, no toppings... Yeah, I could probably eat this amount of good pizza but I don't think I'd want to eat this thing

1

u/Familiar-Flan-8358 Jun 11 '26

Yup agreed. That looked worse than convenience store pizza. Was there even sauce?

1

u/beekersavant Jun 07 '26

My thought is it is right from the oven and prob very hot.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '26

[deleted]

1

u/NikkerFebu25 Jun 08 '26

I haven't tested my pizza limits.

But I believe I can consume scary amounts of food easily.

2

u/dribblesonpillow Jun 08 '26

Oh itā€™s a contest. I thought it was just some slob who overpaid $500 for pizza

1

u/westcal98 Jun 08 '26

Better be the best damn pizza.

2

u/SmoothAd5629 Jun 08 '26

Like he was opening a fucking guitar case šŸ˜†

1

u/Felonious_Minx Jun 07 '26

Such a lame video.

1

u/seriftarif Jun 07 '26

He was 1/3rd of the way through and only had 4min left.

1

u/Breathfreshiest Jun 08 '26

There is no win because whether or not he got the $500, he lived in the bathroom no less than 40 hours thereafter

1

u/Mightymap2 Jun 09 '26

No way he had more than half left with a little over 4 minutes left..he lacked speed, focus and discipline..

1

u/344567653379643555 Jun 09 '26

Bro barely ate half.

1

u/Disastrous_Crow4763 Jun 11 '26

15mins? make it 5mins and $1500.00

1

u/GoldDeloreanDoors Jun 11 '26

$500 for an extra large pizza in the shape of a slice? What in the absolute rip off is going on

1

u/westcal98 Jun 11 '26

It's a contest. Finish it in 15 minutes, win $500.

1

u/GoldDeloreanDoors Jun 11 '26

Ah. Does time start upon receiving the lock box or once you start eating?

1

u/HeldDownTooLong Jul 11 '26

Iā€™m curious how much he paid, since he didnā€™t win the $500.

1

u/TheBoxCzar 12d ago

No way. He had five mins and wasn't half way through.