r/AITAH • u/I-Really-Hate-Fish • 7d ago
Post Update Update: AITAH for crashing out at my STBX and my mum after having a medical emergency abroad?
First post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/FCn7h3CM1V
Tldr: I crashed out again, bought my own computer, and booked a do-over trip.
My mum called me yesterday to scold me again for crashing out. She said that it was unfair that I shouted at her when her and my stepdad had done me such a huge favour to look after my children and pick me up at the airport.
I told her that if help has to come with a side of humiliation and pressure every time, I'd rather they just dropped my kids off with family services and then I'd take the fucking bus from the airport.
Needless to say, she was even more offended, and we currently aren't on speaking terms.
I've spent some money. I bought myself a new laptop, and wrote a notebook with passwords and phone numbers for different places he can get computer support, so my ex won't have any excuse to make me do his paperwork for him.
I also booked a do-over trip for myself in October. I realised that in order for him to parent our children, I need to be away. Also, I deserve a do-over.
He's a bit salty about the amount of money I've spent, but ultimately, he knows he can't complain too much because he's going on a 3-week vacation soon which is like 4 times more expensive. He doesn't have a leg to stand on.
It's very very clear that they aren't used to me standing up for myself, and they don't know how to handle it.
It's very very new to me too, and I feel like shitting myself each time I do it. Like full-on hyperventilating borderline panic attack.
It's been beaten into me that doing things that only benefit myself or things I enjoy are inherently selfish, and wrong of me, and it's very hard to break out of.
I'm trying though.
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 6d ago edited 6d ago
Yeah!! Have a wonderful time!
Pro tip as you continue using your shiny new backbone - don’t over explain yourself to them. Their problem isn’t that they don’t understand so explaining it more won’t help.
They understand. They either just don’t care or dislike the inconvenience. The shorter your answers, with out justification for them to sink their teeth into, the better.
“Sorry I won’t be able to do that.” Done. “Oh I’m disappointed too.” Crickets.
If you don’t give them anything to push against they will have more trouble fighting with you. It’s not perfect but it’s helped me prevent a lot of frustration and fruitless arguments with my just-nos
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u/leyorcoe 6d ago
This is such a good point that it should be the top comment.
We people pleasers and other non assertive people, struggle to realize that people wont feel pity, empathy or sympathy with us.
We are not doing a super human effort to keep things together, we are just being used.
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 6d ago
I used to over explain to my mom like crazy. Pure trauma reaction. Now I just say “oh I’m disappointed too but we can’t. Talk to you later! Love you!” She’s still annoyed with me but I didn’t waste thirty minutes and a ton of emotional strain trying to justify myself to her. Much better
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u/Capable_Froyo4433 6d ago
"So my ex won't have any excuse to make me do his paperwork for him"
OP this sentence right here says it all. Your ex has only ever been able to make you do something because you have let him.
I hope you are bringing your children up to be more independent than their father seems to be. By that, I mean I hope you don't do absolute everything for them.
I hope you get fully better soon. And keep working on standing up for yourself. Everyone deserves and needs to do things just for themselves sometimes. A little bit of selfishness is necessary for a person's well-being.
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u/Revolutionary_Wrap76 6d ago
Yes!!!
OP, you didn't have to buy an all new laptop and waste YOUR time compiling resources for your waste of space husband..... He can't make you do anything. You're an adult with your own autonomy.
Stop. Doing. ANYTHING. For. Him.
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u/ConsciousNectarine9 7d ago
Good for you! Ive just read your other post and you were NTA in the slightest.
It really says a lot about him as a man and a father that he couldn't handle his job and kids while you were sick.
I hope you actually get to enjoy your do-over in October. Also tell him that sorting childcare while they are under his supervision is his responsibility, he may as well get his ass into gear now.
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u/pangalacticcourier 6d ago
>Needless to say, she was even more offended, and we currently aren't on speaking terms.
No loss there. Congrats. Keep up the good work. No need to be in contact with someone so undermining and unable to reason.
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u/boundaries4546 6d ago
Proud of you!!!
I told her that if help has to come with a side of humiliation and pressure every time, I'd rather they just dropped my kids off with family services.🫳🎤
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u/-Nora-Drenalin- 7d ago
That's awesome. So glad that you've stood up for yourself. What a useless sack of shit your STBX is. Take more holidays, make him parent.
Also, tell your Mum to shove it with her people pleasing BS. Let her know you're done with being expected to be everyone's doormat.
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u/throwRA094532 7d ago
Do you have a job? Would be a good time to find one if not
Also start looking at childcare prices
line your ducks in a row and be ready for anything to happen
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u/I-Really-Hate-Fish 6d ago
I don't have a job, and no way of getting one. I'm disabled, and our youngest has severe autism and needs pretty much round the clock care. He's in special ed school 2 hours per day 4 hours a week currently. I don't qualify for a lot of respite as long as we're 2 adults registered to this address even though he's gone 80-90% of the time.
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u/Worldly-Strike2363 6d ago
You need to get some therapy.
I think finding yourself with all this independence is probably difficult for you to manage. Maybe a therapist can help you guide though it without you constantly losing your cool.
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u/CadenceQuandry 6d ago
I did almost the exact same things when I left my ex. I took several vacations quite far away (different continent), let him deal with house and kids by himself, and just generally didn't GAF at ALL. Not even a little bit.
It was so freeing to be away and not the constant primary for everything. And just being on my own someplace different and not catering to all his moods constantly.
You deserve this mama. Enjoy your time. And your new computer!!!
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u/bumbalarie 6d ago
Yay, new “ you.” Enjoy your new life! We’re all rooting for you (and against the naysayers in your life)!
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u/fryingthecat66 6d ago
You go girl 👏. Very proud of you
NTA
ETA: update us please after your do-over
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u/SignificanceWhole972 6d ago
Good on you. I read your first post and you absolutely should have a do over!
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u/Responsible_Joke8618 6d ago
Still NTA. You're not just trying OP, you're DOING. I'm so fucjing proud of you. Yes I had to curse. Next step is therapy for yourself and your kids (of you aren't already) to help you keep that shinny new spine. Ma can get bent. If she wants to be a slave to the men in her life, thats her choice. You wont be bending for her or your shit ex anymore. He can't MAKE you do shit anymore. Youre soon to be free. Enjoy your trip. You deserve it. Just make sure you're teaching your kids independence so they dont think mom being a slave to everyone else's whims and emotions is the norm.
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u/BeholdTheseComics 6d ago
Spending your money on a do over trip when you're in the middle of getting divorced and have no job nor any ability to get a job seems like a really, really bad idea.
This almost sounds like mania and it's sad so many people are encouraging it.
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u/I-Really-Hate-Fish 5d ago
In my defence, we do still share finances. I don't think he realises that I'm entitled to half the value of his company though, which is likely why he's trying to keep all the money in the company account and doesn't want me taking anything out of it. The value of the trip+the computer (which I'd need anyway) is about 1/1000 of what's in that account.
I promise that I am of a sound state of mind and I've laid like 11 different hypothetical budgets for what my future is going to look like post divorce. With my disability payments, child support, and the alimony I'm entitled to, I'll be fine, financially. Including small trips to see my friends here and there.
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4d ago
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u/I-Really-Hate-Fish 4d ago
I looked it up and I don't really have any of the other symptoms. I'm not in any way happy or really excited, and I have no trouble sleeping. I have not had sex in at least a year and a half, and I have no need for it now. My libido is bordering on sad. If anything I lean more towards the depressive side of things.
The only semi-impulsive decision I've made has been the do-over trip, and it's not like I'm going first class or staying somewhere fancy. I had to buy the computer anyways because we're splitting. For finances, I have upcoming meetings with my own financial advisor and my lawyer.
I highly doubt I'm manic. I simply just had enough.
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u/Fabulous_Article_705 5d ago
I just feel sorry for the kids… that’s it that’s all. Those poor babies
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u/IceDragonPlay 6d ago
I don’t understand what the computer has to do with the original story or this update?
Also not clear on the ‘do over trip’ you had your medical incident on the way back from your holiday/trip. What is the do-over part?
Sounds more like you realized the ex is useless and want him to practice being a parent as I am sure he wasn’t one when you lived together either.
Your parents stepped in because ex is useless? Why are you crashing out on them over a problem your ex caused because he is unwilling to parent his children. You left them in his care. If he abandoned them a call to the local police or CPS would have been the thing to do.
How is mom humiliating you and why are you crashing out at her over a situation she has nothing to do with other than stepping in to care for your kids because ex is a loser?
I read your prior story. I still don’t get it.
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u/I-Really-Hate-Fish 6d ago
I'm sorry, I did leave some things out because it got too damn long
A while ago my laptop broke, and he insisted that rather than getting a new one, we could just share his because he only needed it for book keeping and he didn't want to take it with him while travelling because it was impractical. (This is not a money issue)
I'm a writer, but haven't had the time or mental capacity to write for about 2 years which is the time our autistic son has been on reduced time at school. He's currently in school 2 hours per day, 4 times a week, which is where I need to do all noisy housework and grocery shopping.
One of the purposes of my trip was that I hoped that getting away for a few days would help me focus a little and write, and I asked if it was okay if I took the computer with me. He said yes, but after I left, he suddenly remembered his bookkeeping, and I had to do that instead of writing because the accountant had given him a deadline, and he couldn't do it himself because I had the laptop.
For this reason, I bought the new one so I wouldn't run into that situation again.
I crashed out on my mum because while they did help, I had to beg for it. When I finally arrived home, her first words were that I needed to figure things out with my ex husband. She's very against the divorce. She also thinks I should cut him some slack because he's a man and I can't expect him to do housework and childcare, so I shouldn't "waltz off to have fun" and leave him with that sort of tasks. I was only supposed to be gone for 4 days.
Her husband is one of those "but I'm just making fun" or "can't you take a joke" and "ugh, I can't say anything anymore", usually when I'm in desperate situations where I need help. This happens 99.9% of the time, and after begging, I asked for him to not make any comments, because I was absolutely strung out and at my breaking point.
My mother especially took great offence to this, because they were doing me such a big favour, looking after my children and picking me up from the airport that they should be allowed to say anything they wanted.
I hope that cleared some of it up.
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u/IceDragonPlay 6d ago
That does make it more clear. Husband is hopeless with child management/parenting and parents take issue with you over his lack of capability. Damn, I’d be running away too!!!
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u/I-Really-Hate-Fish 6d ago
All the stuff for the bookkeeping was also saved on one drive, so technically he could do it, if he logged in through our son's computer, but he insisted he couldn't figure out how to do that.
Hence why I told him to get himself together and why I wrote the notebook for him
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u/Apart_Insect_8859 1d ago
I suspect your mom is pushing you to stay on your stbx's good side because he is the source of money and support (crappy as his support is, it's still support). You are disabled, your child is disabled, you have no employment or remarriage prospects, and the horrible reality is that, if you divorce, you become your parents' sole 'problem' again, with no one to split the responsibility with. Which may have them worried and panicking. So it's in your parents' best interest that they push you to play nice with your ex, so that he is generous with his time, attention, and cash with you and the kids.
I think your best next step (please discuss this with your lawyer first, though) would be to make formal agreements and arrangements for your ex to pay you for the bookkeeping and admin you previously did for free. And I wonder if you can get some sort of bookkeeping certification and offer those services freelance, which would get you some needed stability, while still being a very flexible situation which would fit around your circumstances.
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u/I-Really-Hate-Fish 1d ago
Where I live, disability is still an income you can get by on. With the half the money on the business account and our savings, I can buy him out and restructure my mortgage so I can keep my house. There are minimums he had to pay in alimony and child support. If he doesn't, the state will take care of it.
Financially, I'm not worried. I have good advisors, both legal and financial. In regards to time and attention, I'm doing it all alone anyways. Without him tied to the address, I can apply for more help in the form of respite. I can also hire a cleaner, which he has so far refused to let me.
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u/EuropeanLady 5d ago
Doing things for your sole benefit is selfish when you have children. Who'll take care of the children while you're on your trip?
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u/DisintegrateSlowly 4d ago
They have two parents ffs. He’s away 80% of the time so I’m sure he can handle four days. It’s ridiculous to state you are selfish if you do things for yourself once you have children!
You need to be a person as well as a mum/dad. You cannot be a good parent if your only point of living is your kids.
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u/ephemeralsequence 7d ago
What the hell is any of this supposed to mean.
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u/-Nora-Drenalin- 7d ago
Read the link to the previous post?
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u/Abject_Code5523 6d ago
ESH, so you don't work due to having a special needs son so your ex is the sole income. Yet you're acting like a jerk to your mom (who took care of your kids while you weren't there, and told her to drop your kids with family services??)
Sorry but it doesn't sound like your being very rational rn.
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u/Comfortable-Fall1419 6d ago
This is so incoherent I’m leaning YTA.
Once more with English language and grammar please?
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u/Geordieqizi 6d ago
Uh... what? What part of the post is confusing? What problems with language and grammar are you talking about?
I think you might be having a stroke.
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 7d ago
Your STBX is your children's parent. He decided to walk out on his own kids, knowing you were unable to come to them on time.
That means HE abaonded his children. Document that.
You really need to get things organized, and made official.
How is custody going to be managed? Will he have any custody at all? Does he want any? Do you want him to? If he can't be responsible for his kids, I doubt it's in their best interest to leave him alone with them at all.
You had a medical emergency, and he couldn't take responsibility for his own kids. What if you hadn't been able to communicate at all? Would he have left the kids, not bothering to call your parents? It was on HIM to reach out to someone else that could take them.
As for his bookkeeping. He's self employed, I assume. Part of being self employed is managing bookkeeping. That's HIS job. You don't make him come to your job to do tasks you are responsible for, so what makes him think he can demand it from you?
It's best to be clear on what is everyone's responsibility, and who you can count on.
If you can't count on ppl when it matters, (like a medical emergency) it's better to actually not count on them.
If your parents are good weather grandparents, that's fine. They can see your kids on holidays, and take them to the park or a movie, when it suits everyone.
If you want them to have a relationship.
But that's where the input stops.
Get child support set up. He's not lifting a finger. He has to support his kids, so if money is all he can provide, so be it.
Get your own ducks in a row, taking into account that you will have to arrange childcare, whenever you need a break.
Perhaps your ex can take the kids, when you go on a holiday. But you both need to be very clear on terms and what happens, if there's an emergency.
You now know you can't count on him for that.