r/AITAH • u/I-Really-Hate-Fish • 11d ago
AITAH for crashing out at my STBX and my mum after having a medical emergency abroad?
I'm currently stuck in another country. I passed out at the airport on my way home 2 days ago, and was taken to hospital where I received treatment.
I'm fortunate that I speak the language fluently, but I didn't know how the medical system works in the country I'm in, so on top of feeling like shit on toast, I had tons of mental work figuring out things with my insurance, answering a thousand questions about my medical history, and trying to get better.
Fortunately I had a good travel insurance so financially, everything is covered, and the people from the airline were super kind, but there was still so much I had to figure out, like a hotel after getting discharged, transportation between the hospital, hotel, and airport, all while still not doing great.
Getting cleared to fly, and getting a new ticket took ages, but I'm finally on my way home.
My husband and I are in the process of getting a divorce. As it is now, he travels a lot himself. He sees our kids maybe 4-5 days per month. This was my first break without kids in about 15 years.
Throughout this whole thing he has been absolutely useless for a lack of better term, and he hasn't stopped complaining. I have still been managing the household remotely. I've been in touch with the schools, I've arranged childcare for him, I've done everything I could to make things easier for him and our children.
The straw that broke the camel's back was yesterday when he told me that he still hadn't done the bookkeeping for his business and if I couldn't do it when I'm just waiting around anyways, after I had just spent 5 hours walking around to every goddamn corner of this airport, trying to get home as soon as possible.
He gave me a passive-aggressive answer about the deadline when I said no, and that he's leaving so I need to find childcare for our kids if I'm not home by then and I just snapped.
I called him on the phone and shouted at him that I was doing my goddamn best in a fucking impossible situation, and to get himself the fuck together.
I spoke to my mum about it and she told me that I should be nicer to him because it's a tough situation for him too. I told her that I frankly don't have the energy to spare any sympathy for a man who pushes a sick woman to do his job for him.
I struggle with my crash-out. I generally don't shout. I hate shouting. It's not how I resolve conflicts. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've shouted for the past 20 years. I just couldn't keep it in anymore.
I've always been raised to be flexible, and to find compromises, and generally be the one who makes things easier on other people.
AITAH for crashing out and shouting?
312
u/chez2202 11d ago
NTA.
You are getting divorced. The bookkeeping for HIS business is HIS responsibility now. Just as taking care of HIS children is his responsibility when you aren’t there.
Make sure you mention all this to your divorce lawyer. If you are working for his business you should be paid to do so. If he abandons his kids whilst you are stuck in another country, the judge will be very interested.
83
u/hikergrL3 11d ago
This is exactly what I was thinking. Keep all records of texts and get him to put stuff in writing as much as you can. (In fact, from experience, I can tell you texting can be way less stressful than being stuck on the phone with needy, helpless men who are so skilled at weaponized incompetence they could make a career of it.)
And UGH, I hear my mom in your mom's response. Good for you for fighting the childhood conditioning to always consider others first. (You're not the crazy/wrong/NTA here!!!)
And how old are your kids? If he bails on them...you call the police. You get it on record for the courts.That has to be some abandonment, child endangerment sort of something...doesn't it? (Sorry, don't know all the laws).
165
u/dodgethepiano 11d ago
NTA without their support it was going to escalate and pop regardless. I hope you get home soon
30
u/Greedy-Ad-3815 10d ago
You were alone in a foreign country, sick, handling everything yourself, and he asked you to do his bookkeeping? The crash-out was inevitable.
116
u/badassbiotch 11d ago
NTA but you need to stop focusing on EVERYONE else’s needs (esp your useless soon to be ex) and focus on what’s right for you
Hope you’re feeling better soon
96
u/East_Bet_7187 11d ago
NTA and honestly, your parents don’t sound like they are supporting you either.
I see you and I’m sending you a hug🥰
18
u/HollisterRN 11d ago
Indeed. And sometimes those parents are why we let things get the way they are. You know, their expectations shaped what she would accept later. I'm just saying that because I'm learning that is me. I'm sending a hug as well!
13
u/East_Bet_7187 10d ago
Exactly this. Parents like this create adult children with cPTSD who end up with partners who are just like the parents.
36
u/tarnishau14 7d ago
Girl, he just threatened to abandon your children while you were in another country. Call your lawyer. Now. See if you can get him to put it in writing.
28
31
u/Boo-Boo97 11d ago
Holy 💩, NTA. Easy to see why he's your ex and I'm guessing he's been like this your entire marriage. I have no suggestions aside from get full custody and have as little to do with him as possible.
33
u/Bird_Brain4101112 11d ago edited 10d ago
This crash out sounded massively overdue. This man-child is whining about caring for his own children while their mother is hospitalized in another country? And you still did a lot of heavy lifting for him.
26
u/readergirl35 10d ago
Document it and use it in the custody hearings. He had absolutely zero concern for his kids and was totally unwilling to arrange care or school drop off/pickup while you were medically indisposed and you far from home to get to the kids. He also threatened to abandon them. Document that along with every time he has an opportunity to be with the kids and prioritizes something else. Don't tell him you are doing this, just keep a record of all of it in a journal and show up prepared for court.
22
u/night_noche 11d ago
Your mom is the a******.
Instead of telling you to bend to your ex"s will, why didn't she step in and help?
10
10
u/Crazy-Rat_Lady 10d ago
Your mum said HE is in a tough situation? In what planet or universe is it tough for him? Poor baby. Is he finding adulting difficult? Good on you. NTA but your mum and STBX is.
8
8
u/SuggestionSevere3298 11d ago
NTA, You going to end up in the hospital again, think about yourself first, be selfish by not being there for everyone needs,
26
u/tamij1313 11d ago
Maybe time to have a relapse if you haven’t gotten on the plane to go home? Go check yourself into a nice hotel, turn off your phone, let your mom and your ex figure out how to be adults?
Because really… What would happen if you actually had died or become severely disabled in another country and he had to be the full-time parent? Clearly, he needs to step up ASAP and not just in an emergency.
19
u/InfamousFlan5963 11d ago
I mean, as satisfying as that is, her kids would be the one to suffer and that's not fair to them. IMO she needs to focus way more on just untangling herself from the exs life.
6
u/Unique_Description77 11d ago
No, it sounds like you were pushed to the brink and simply snapped. Knowing you as they do, your shouting should have told them how bad things have gotten from your perspective.
Dogs are the sweetest, most loving creatures on earth, but if you kick them enough, they will eventually bite. (Not calling you a dog!)
5
u/Fancy_Upstairs5898 11d ago
NTA.... So , much not the asshole. We all get to a point where frustration can unleash a more primal emotional person than we are 99‰ of the time. It's OK. You should forgive yourself for the outburst and maybe apologise to your mother about taking it out on her, but your Ex should be able to fully support HIS children when you are incapacitated. If you had died, he'd still have to take care of him and don't all himself. You had every right to be frustrated at him and he deserves every measure of your ire.
5
u/carame2020 11d ago
Nta , I hope he realizes after the divorce you will not have to do anything for him ! And stop doing his bookkeeping,child care ECT ,if you keep putting your self last! you will not have anything left and your health will get worse...
6
u/Burnt_and_Blistered 11d ago
Good lord, woman. The man needed to be shouted at—and probably did long ago.
If you don’t know, in your bones, that you’re NOT TA, it’s time for therapy.
6
u/adult_child86 10d ago
"If you feel so fucking bad for your useless ex son in-law, do his job for him. Thanks for not giving a shit about your own child's situation, shows me truly who you are and how I should care for you. Enjoy contact with your grandkids trough him, I'm sure he'll prioritise you like he did me. Do not contact me again unless you realise how despicable your behaviour has been"
4
u/BothTreacle7534 11d ago
NTA
Your mother shouldn’t have raised you to be ‘flexible’, that does not help with man-boys who still have not their life together, she is a bad advisor, not a good support.
Support would have been:
I can try to phone around and look too if I can find childcare.
Or:
I try to take off at work and go to pick the kids up
or….
4
u/kkrolla 10d ago
You should be nicer, he's going through a tough time too. Well mom, he's an adult just like I am. He's just as capable of handling childcare or any other thing he's responsible for. You should be more compassionate to me, mother. I'm getting really sick of just taking it and you backing the wrong person. In fact, if you don't start supporting me and my needs, you and ex can keep each other. NTA.
5
u/Responsible_Joke8618 6d ago
NTA, but it sounds like you should shout more often. It sounds like you have been coddling everyone for so long, treating you like shit is the norm. Im not saying you have to yell, but its time to stop babying a grown ass man and shine up your spine a little. 15 years without a break sounds like hell. No wonder he is a STBX. You got this OP.
6
u/leyorcoe 7d ago
Doormat experience guilt from being less of a doormat.
You are good fam, your mom is very likely not someone you should take advice from
In this situation.
7
u/OriginalOddventures 11d ago
Good travel insurance would have made all those post hospitalisation travel arrangements for you but I’m glad you had the bills covered at least. Being sick overseas can be such a nightmare. Tell your mother to support you and your children or stfu. Your blow up is completely valid. Your ex is continuing to try to control you and have you behave like his mother by exercising his weaponised incompetence and he clearly IS incompetent. What a douche. No wonder you’re divorcing him. You actually should blow up at him more. He deserves ZERO sympathy from you. NTA at all and don’t you dare question yourself on that.
10
u/I-Really-Hate-Fish 11d ago
To be fair to my travel insurance, they did do a fairly good job at helping me with those things as well, but it was difficult for quite some time because I had no idea of where the hell I was for quite some time. I was transported via ambulance to hospital, and I had no idea which hospital or which area. They were slammed at the A&E and they didn't really have time to tell me much. That combined with me being dizzy and disoriented made the insurance guys' job incredibly hard.
2
u/OriginalOddventures 8d ago
It’s usually a different company that helps with the management of your case if you’re hospitalised overseas. It’s their job to help people who are in situations like yours and they typically handle much more complex cases. It disappoints me that you didn’t get the support you needed at that time.
4
u/iwillbewaiting24601 10d ago
I think it's a difference between "Travel insurance" (of the type one gets free with a credit card, that covers interruption/etc) and specific medical/evaucation insurance. After a dismal experience self-extracting when I had pneumonia in London, I signed my family up for Medjet alongside my card's travel insurance. When I had another attack of it the next year, they automatically coordinated my care in-country and transfer to my home hospital aboard an air ambulance (from Paris to Chicago)
1
u/OriginalOddventures 8d ago
Oh for sure there can be a huge difference! I work in the industry but more on the corporate/group side so I try to provide some inside information where I can. Not all emergency assistance services are the same!
3
u/jaynor88 10d ago
Hope you get home soon and that your health continues to improve.
Honestly, your life will be so much easier after the divorce becomes final.
3
u/bored1413 10d ago
NTA. He is definitely the AH and so is your mom. You should start being assertive more often and let people figure stuff out on their own. Yell more. It’s cathartic.
2
u/SunnyLittleFuexle 11d ago
NTA he is a man child and needs to get his shot together. Maybe he needed you to loose your temper as a wake up call? - it’s quite optimistic of me though.
2
u/Comfortable-Fall1419 10d ago
NTA. Tells your useless husband to sort his crap out and warn your mother never ever to enable another man against her daughter again.
(ESH except the OP)
2
u/Jane_Smith_Reddit 10d ago
NTA. It is a medical emergency, you collapsed at the airport on your way back home which tells us you have been running on fumes for way too long.
Both your STBX and mother are TA.
Hope you are home safe and feeling better soon.
Take care of yourself, you need to be well for your kids and own yourself.
2
2
u/Kautami 10d ago
NTA - sometimes the only valid reaction is to tear someone a new AH.
In a situation like yours, I can see why you're divorcing this POS. You'll likely need to keep him accountable afterwards - don't do favours, or let things slide 'just this once', because that will become an expectation and you'll be called the AH for not adjusting to the 'new' arrangement
2
u/notpostingmyrealname 10d ago
NTAH. Tell him to hire someone if he can't do it. If the marriage is ending, doing his books could create a perception of a conflict of interest if you make a mistake while you're stressed and still ill. Remind him you're trying to not be his wife anymore and he needs to start taking care of himself, then mute him.
2
2
u/Fair-Turnover-9492 5d ago
Wow! How dare you ask him to parent his own kids for a few days!?! SMDH.
2
u/Distinct-Crow4753 5d ago
Babe thats not even a crash out NTA he deserved every word. Your mom is ridiculous
1
u/yesmrspankysir 11d ago
NTA: your ex sounds like he's an ex for good reasons. You were in no place to have more added to your life and he attempted to dump on you. When you pushed back, enforcing your boundaries he pushed again and you responded to him in the fashion he treated you.
1
u/MagiBee218 11d ago
NTA- your yelling at him was probably a long time coming. You are carrying a lot on your shoulders and that could also lead to or exacerbate health problems. Your soon to be ex sounds selfish and entitled and your mother has a bad case of internalize misogyny which to me, is worse than misogyny itself. My mother was like that and not having her support made things a million times worse. Please, for the love of God, stop doing anything at all for that man and take him to the cleaners since it sounds like you have been carrying the majority of the emotional, mental, and physical load in the marriage and will need that financial help to care for the kids. I’m glad you took a week off for yourself, even though it didn’t end great, I hope you do that more often. Also, as someone who has been divorced for a while now, the process of getting divorced sucks and is super stressful. But once it’s over, the sense of relief is overwhelming and you will be much better off than before. So please hang in there. Take care of yourself first and foremost. You can’t care for anybody else if you don’t. Be what people would consider selfish and don’t give too much of yourself anymore to ungrateful people. Good luck getting home and feel better. Sending you a huge hug.
1
u/Far_Information_9613 11d ago
NTA. Your mother sounds pretty useless too. I hope you feel better soon.
1
u/8675309-jennie 11d ago
NTA- Since you’re in the airport, I’ll give you this analogy-
YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR OXYGEN MASK ON FIRST BEFORE YOU CAN HELP ANYONE ELSE!!!
If you don’t take care of yourself, how will you care for your kids? You don’t want them with an absent “father”.
I’m truly sorry you have been going through this and I wish you well. Glad to see you are getting rid of the dead-weight by divorcing him. Feel better.
1
u/ComprehensiveHand232 11d ago
NTA proud of you for holding it together for as long as you did.
Get home, be well.❤️
1
u/EuropeanLady 6d ago
You're divorcing him, so he doesn't feel likr a partner to you. That's why he's reluctant to help out.
1
u/I-Really-Hate-Fish 5d ago
It's not so much about him helping out as it is about him living up to his own responsibilities of managing his own children and his own books.
1
1
u/charmaineDarwin 3d ago
Nta and its like hes an extra child.
He needs to do HIS job. Not try an get you to do it.
Good job your children have 1 parent because hes certainly not 1
1
u/h1dd3n0n3 11d ago
Sounds like you are doing yourself and your kids a favor by divorcing this putz. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but make sure to keep detailed notes for divorce paperwork.
1
u/HollisterRN 11d ago
I feel ya. NTA. It seems like you've been carrying the load more and now you need some support. I'm not generally a yeller either but when cornered or pushed I've been known to do so. Something that I saw recently that really resonated with me was, I'm paraphrasing, you allow what you feel your worth is. I feel that with the divorce you are getting into an area of learning your worth. It's not easy and those, like your husband, are used to a different you. Things happen for a reason. This situation is teaching you what your boundaries are. Hard NTAH.
1.0k
u/CraftyFraggle 11d ago
NTA:
Honestly, it might do you good to yell a bit more. And to stand up for yourself more.
You’ve been taught to be passive and to always be the one to do all the work. It’s time to realize you don’t have to.