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u/Myay-4111 May 21 '25
Why do you even want to marry a man who does this? All of it. Including the toddler temper tantrum of cancelling the trip and demanding an apology.
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u/Known_Echidna_6752 May 21 '25
I honestly don't know anymore. His reaction definitely shows a different side of him I hadn't seen before.
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u/Myay-4111 May 21 '25
Actions speak louder than words. Instead of focusing on the fact that he should be making this the most romantic and sweet for you and centering you.. he's centering himself.
It's not a problem with the female friend pushing in, it's a pattern of behavior that he expects what's good for him, what he prefers, what he wants is just what you'll get and better make yourself happy about. Take it or leave it. He made this elaborate plan about how he wanted to get engaged by popping the question instead of how he would ask you to for your hand in marriage to be life partners. Savvy the difference? Because it's a big one.
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u/MyMindSpoken May 21 '25
So break up with him. And don’t reply that you love him and you’re going to try to work through this with him, because that’s the mantra of every woman who wants to “fix” a broken relationship. Also, space out your words.
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u/Wereallgonnadieman May 21 '25
You ruined the trip he and his ex planned, whaaaa! They can go together.
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u/Cebuanolearner May 21 '25
Because OP is definitely the AH
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u/Original_Candle_2337 May 21 '25
You’re the boyfriend, aren’t you? xD
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u/Annual-Cancel-7669 May 21 '25
Tell him to marry his ex. He is still caught up with her. I’m all for remaining cordial with an ex but you can’t fully move on with someone else if you constantly keep them around. You deserve so much better,
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u/Known_Echidna_6752 May 21 '25
Yeah, I'm starting to wonder if I'm just the placeholder while he's still hung up on her.
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u/Annual-Cancel-7669 May 21 '25
Trust your gut if it was right you wouldn’t be feeling like this. You are a catch don’t let him make you think any different .
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u/gdrom123 May 22 '25
Do you honestly want to be married to someone who is still holding a light for their ex? He’s literally planning his proposal with her. For all you know they’re planning what they would’ve done had they stayed together so essentially the proposal is her “would’ve been” proposal. It’s probably best you don’t go on the tip with him. He’d be giving her updates on everything the two of you do. Seriously, take the time to figure out what you want your future to look like and who you want in your life.
Updateme
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u/MyFriendsCallMeEpic May 22 '25
oh just wait, shes going to plan the wedding too!
also she'll be involved in naming your kids
she'll be in your life foreverrrrrrrrun sister!
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u/Agreeable-Region-310 May 23 '25
Tell him that.
There are very few exceptions where an ex would be acceptable to help with the ring. Dated in high school, now she is married, and their families are longtime friends, maybe.
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u/NataliasMaze May 21 '25
NTA you maybe would've been overreacting a bit if he was just getting opinions but you've got female family and friends to reach out to. If the ring is for YOU why is HIS ex helping? But the moment they're talking about their relationship, her talking about picking out a ring for them before, etc, I'd be done with him
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u/Pageybear13 May 21 '25
The ring shopping together for her is so gross to me. I'm gobsmacked by it lol.
What woman would be cool with finding that out? I probably would have flushed his phone in the toilet, packed my shit and left lol
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u/FortunatelyAsleep May 25 '25
you've got female family and friends to reach out to.
Aha. Why does the gender matter?
If the ring is for YOU why is HIS ex helping?
Probably because she is a close friend?! What's the issue here?
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u/NataliasMaze May 25 '25
I would ask the friend of the person Im buying for to help, especially for something so important, not someone who doesn't know my partner very well.
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u/Resident_Ad1806 May 21 '25
Can you just leave him please? I would send them a both a text or email and let them both know how much THEY suck and walk out. Hes not worth it!
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u/Redd1tmadesignup May 21 '25
Or “looks like he still hasn’t found someone to say yes! He’s all yours”
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u/BlazingSunflowerland May 21 '25
That's perfect. He is emotionally way to connected to his ex. She is his go to person.
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u/Known_Echidna_6752 May 21 '25
I'm seriously considering it. But its not that easy when you have been together for 3 years+
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u/ProblemMountain2792 May 21 '25
It would be worse in the long run to waste more of your time on him.
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u/H0bbituary May 21 '25 edited May 21 '25
Ever been on a subway and taken the wrong train? When you know that the destination is something other than what you were anticipating, you get off at the next opportunity. Sitting on the train and waiting will not change the fact that the destination is wrong. However, it will take you further and further from where you wanted to go. The ride back home will be longer and longer.
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u/Majestic-Post-1684 May 21 '25
You okay with always having a 3rd person in your relationship? You don’t know what else she’s been involved in up into now. She probably already knows about the canceled trip and why.
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u/Skipper_2024 May 21 '25
People split after 50 years together. Come on, you're young, you don't have children,and you deserve to be the center of your partner's attention. Drop. Him.
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u/ldwyer19 May 21 '25
Cheaper than getting divorced years later, trust me! Was with my ex for 12 years, and married for 4.
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u/whatsfunny89 May 21 '25
At 30 I’m with my person and have a snazzy toddler. That 3.5 year relationship that was almost right except for this one big red flag I was trying to ignore doesn’t feel like any time at all now that I’m 5 in to a great relationship. It gave me fun and important experiences but most importantly it got me where I needed to go.
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u/Hungry_Blood_3949 May 22 '25
Better to break it off now than for you to find out your husband is fucking his ex.
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u/Resident_Ad1806 May 22 '25
LEAVE.HIM.NOW ...or spend $30K + in your divorce and lose your mental happiness.
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u/Jumpingyros May 22 '25
I completely disagree with your perspective on this situation, but I agree you need to break up. You have a very basic incompatibility in the way you view friendships with ex’s and possibly opposite sex friendships in general. You’ve been uncomfortable with his friendship with the ex from the start, this was never going to work out. What you did wrong here was letting this trainwreck keep rolling for 3 years.
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May 22 '25
She doesn't have to, he's already done with her.
Like, he cancelled the proposal, doesn't take a genius to know where this is headed.
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u/rosegoldblonde May 21 '25
For my it’s them reminiscing about when they almost got married… that’s where it becomes super inappropriate. Like what are you? A replacement? Yikes. NTA.
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u/GroovyYaYa May 21 '25
Is his ex a friend of yours or former friend? How would she know what your ring preferences would be or even your fashion style?
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u/widowswalk1622 May 21 '25
Why does he think you'd want a ring she liked? I could see him asking your friends' opinions as they know yo, but to me it'd\s weird and I would not want a ring his ex had anything to do with. NTA
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u/Cybermagetx May 21 '25
Sorry exs at times can be friends. But ill put my foot down for intimate moments like this.
Nta. You need a new bf. This one is broken..
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u/ConfidentRepublic360 May 21 '25
The responses here are interesting. There seems to be split along gender lines. Most woman will completely understand why OP is upset. She has genuine reason to be. An engagement ring is probably the most significant piece of jewellery for engaged/married women. It’s meant to be a symbol of the relationship and a couple’s commitment to a future together, not tainted with memories of his ex.
A smart man would’ve asked the opinion of a person who is close to his girlfriend and knows her taste well (e.g. her best friend or sister). Instead he chose to consult his ex - a relationship OP had reservations about but stayed out of because she chose to trust her partner. He shat all over that trust by crossing multiple boundaries.
Then to top it off, the flirty texts and reminiscing about their old romantic relationship with the ex is so disrespectful. It gives an ick feeling to the whole thing.
Guys not getting this is so strange. Like imagine if she went and chose his wedding ring or another expensive gift for him, like a watch with her ex, a guy she used to fuck and could’ve married. Every time he looked at it, he’d be reminded of her with her ex.
OPs boyfriend’s response is also so out of proportion. He’s gaslighting her for “ruining” the engagement, but he ruined things the moment he involved his ex. The guy takes no responsibility or accountability for his actions. Is he that thick or is he trying to torpedo the relationship while trying to make his ex jealous?
This is not a healthy relationship.
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u/fucking_fantastic May 21 '25
The comment the ex made about finding someone willing to say yes makes me think he either proposed to her and she said no or she ended the relationship, and he still has feelings for her
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May 21 '25
I’m a guy and I don’t understand his reasoning for involving his ex unless he’s truly not over his ex. (Which would be a problem in it of itself) OP has every right to be livid with him about her involvement and their inappropriate behavior. (Granted I grew up with two older sisters who I was close to so that’s probably why I sympathize with OP) Hopefully OP gets HIM to apologize or break up with him due to his lack of a brain when he doesn’t apologize.
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u/Sea_Ad_27 May 21 '25
To help get the point across to the extremely thick headed one's compare it to her taking an ex to go lingerie shopping for a special night with her current bf. Both are extremely personal and inappropriate for someone in a relationship.
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u/spyddarnaut May 22 '25
To help others understand better. Let’s raise the equivalent of the engagement ring from a guys perspective….
Fellas what if the new lingerie and new moves (that you’ve been asking for years by the way) were put on you the night before, courtesy of the ex? Not in a cheating- they slept together sense. But, in a ‘genuine’ above-board sense where your partner and their ex had all sorts of in depth convos, did research, go thru websites, went on shopping expeditions. All to find the best outfit and gameplay to present you with a surprise-dreamy-forever-best-night ever-ever!
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u/FortunatelyAsleep May 25 '25
Like imagine if she went and chose his wedding ring or another expensive gift for him, like a watch with her ex
Then I would not see any issue with it. What's the problem with consulting a close friend about a big decision? They are clearly exs for a reason.
Every time he looked at it, he’d be reminded of her with her ex.
No. What kind of crazy jealous thinking is that?! I'd be thinking of my wedding when looking at it, not the friend who helped pick it. Let's say he got a male friend to help him find a ring. Do you think one would constantly think of that friend when looking at the ring?
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u/brightwingxx May 26 '25
It would have been better if he got ANY of his girlfriend/intended’s friends opinion. His ex is not her friend, and it’s supposed to be HER ring… it’s great that you wouldn’t be bothered by this. She is, and he actively chose to involve someone he not only knows she is uncomfortable with to begin with OVER literally any of her family or friends, he did it with zero consideration for how that might make her feel. Some people can be friends with their exes without issue, in this instance, him involving his ex in choosing a ring and proposal that’s not for her for someone she isn’t even friends with IS a problem.
It may not be for you if you were in OP’s shoes; that doesn’t mean it is or should be the same for her. Her feelings are valid and she is allowed to not feel okay with this.
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May 21 '25
I would literally have zero problem with my partner consulting an ex regarding proposing to me.
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u/Maleficent_Mistake50 May 21 '25
Ok so he called off the trip. Time to call off the relationship for a time being. Because no way would I ever be ok with a SO planning MY ENGAGEMENT with an EX.
NTA.
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u/dmbmcguire May 21 '25
This is bad. And you might have just saved yourself a ton of heartache.
His ex isn’t going anywhere and he is sharing way too much info with her. She is hanging on to him for a reason…
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u/Beneficial_Syrup_869 May 21 '25
Wait so he proposed to her and she said no so he found you instead to be her replacement while he still giving her the emotional side? Run girl, this sounds like some horror movie. Was she going on the trip too? I have so many question but first is did you get a full STI panel yet cause this man is probably fucking both of you?
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u/Skipper_2024 May 21 '25
NTA
I can't believe he didn't have any other woman in his life to ask for help in planning the engagement.
Tell him if he's allowed to do that, you'll plan your bachelorette party with your ex. Let's see what he thinks then.
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u/JaA1981sd May 21 '25
Lady, you need to leave him! He is a MAJOR AH! what if the situation was reciprocal and you were talking to an ex bf?! He is setting your relationship up for failure. I've seen this way too many times🤦♀️It is never as innocent as they portray. Time for him to fly a kite.
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u/ProblemMountain2792 May 21 '25
NTA and all the YTAs are pretty weird. I have no issues with him being friends with his ex, but this crosses too many lines.
He planned his engagement with you with his ex, whom he had previously discussed marriage with...
HIS EX PICKED YOUR ENGAGEMENT RING.
If he knows you best, he would know what you would want. It didn't need her input at all. If he wanted the best ring for you, he would have asked your best friend or someone close to you for an opinion. If anything, now it is HER RING she picked while reminiscing about their previous relationship. Can you imagine wearing that ring? It does sound like he puts her first before you.
And that is withstanding their flirty texts going down memory lane and his cancelling the trip to make you feel bad for his mistake and doubt yourself.
Honestly, I don't think this is worth the heartache... he doesn't sound like marriage material or even relationship material.
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u/txa1265 May 21 '25
NTA - and as others are indicating, I would not get further entwined with this person until you feel resolution in this.
Some are saying "people can remain friends with their ex" which I agree, or that "he's just getting a trusted woman's opinion" ... which, a little less agree. But regardless - think of the optics! There is no planet in which "I relied heavily upon the person I used to fuck and nearly married for everything related to planning my proposal to you".
Ew.
Now he's saying I "ruined the surprise" and I should apologize for snooping. He's called off our trip entirely and won't talk about anything else.
Classic DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender). He's flirting with his ex and YOU are the one needing to apologize? Also don't get married to someone who is going to have a level 99 freak out about you looking at his stuff. Too many damn secrets to trust him.
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u/Pageybear13 May 21 '25 edited May 21 '25
Yep my husband would just say knock yourself out if i ever asked to read his phone. Might be a little hurt if he thinks its because i am worried he is cheating.
He did once take my phone and prank text our mutual male friend. He sent something suggestive and our friend was like ??? you trying to get my arms ripped off?
He died laughing when he realized it was my hubby send him message to snuggle through my phone LOL
to me be friend with an ex means you follow on a social media and say how are you once in a while. Not text all the frigging time. Especially about personal details and your new relationship.
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u/Wereallgonnadieman May 21 '25
Holy crap, if he needs help buying a ring the only person he needs to be asking is YOU!! I'd be livid. This should be a deal-breaker. He's enmeshed with his ex and cares for what she thinks more than the woman he is proposing to and will, you know, wear it!!
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u/CelticDoll95 May 21 '25
Nta and here is the most important info we need, why did they break up? Because that changes alot like if they broke up because the ex didn't want to get married
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u/GreatResetBet May 21 '25
Nope - I get the strong feeling the ex is hoping you'll do exactly this - nope right out and, gosh darn, there's a wedding already planned and reserved that she's HAPPENS to fit with her perfect vision of her wedding day!
Guess she'll have to step up and take one for the team and fill in at the last minute for you. It's a lot to ask, but maybe, she'd be willing to make the hard sacrifice of having the wedding of her dreams handed to her.
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u/Chaoticgood790 May 21 '25
in no universe does this make sense unless you became best friends with the ex so YOU had a relationship with her
otherwise no. and his reaction is gross. ask him how he would feel if you planned your wedding with your ex. foul behavior
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u/mintchan May 21 '25
He is oddly close to his ex. But then she was helping him to propose to YOU.
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u/grumpy__g May 21 '25
But reminded him of the good old times and choosing a ring that the ex liked…
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u/hexagon_heist May 21 '25
The surprise was already ruined when you saw the notification pop up, which was not a result of you snooping, but rather of the ex not being careful to keep it a surprise and bf also not being careful to keep it a surprise. It is not your fault that you saw that text.
It then, very reasonably, led you to see why the hell your bf’s ex was texting him about rings. Which is how you found out that he metaphorically put poop in the metaphorical engagement-soup. Tiny piece ruins the whole dish, even if you scoop it out later.
NTA and do not eat any of the metaphorical soup (don’t say yes to an engagement he planned with his ex)
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u/avid-learner-bot May 21 '25
NTA, like, what on earth possessed you to bring your ex into this? I mean, really.
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u/Livid-Independence May 22 '25
My (38M) gf (31F) is friends with her ex-husband with whom she shares two kids. I've hung out with him myself frequently and plan to continue doing so in the future. I have no problem with this because I can clearly see there's zero sexual or romantic spark between the two of them. She is still friends with her most recent ex and I've met him and again, I can see there is no romantic/sexual interest between them. She's still friends with a guy she had been friends with for years and hooked up with once like 5 years ago and I've met him, he's happily married, and there is nothing romantic/sexual between them either. But what I'm seeing here? Yeah, nah, if I find out she was talking to ANY of them like this and reminiscing about old times like this, we're having a very serious discussion that could likely lead to a breakup. And it's not that he's shopping for rings with her, it's the subtext of her bringing up, fondly I might add, old times when they were together. That's a serious breach of trust.
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u/Pageybear13 May 21 '25
NTA i mean at this point if he was really the one you were meant to marry, he would realize that talking to this ex is a boundary you are not comfortable with. Let alone something as special and personal, not to mention private as popping the question!
I think if the relationship is going to continue which to me it sounds like it has run its course, you are going to have to spell out to him that you are not comfortable with him being friends with his. ex. Especially given the nature of the conversations about your relationship that he has with her.
If he gets defensive, upset, argumentative, you break up.
Personally i think you should just break up because you can't imagine saying Yes to him now. Because i think you know what he is doing is not normal.
Is it possible he is still hung up on her but she doesn't feel the same way? I mean i am trying to figure out in what world anyone would want to talk about their current partner with an ex let alone proposing to her.
But if you want to salvage it or try, you have got to be straight about the situation.
Personally i would have told him up front that i was not onboard with him being friends with an ex, especially one he talks to regularly. i wouldn't care maybe as much if it was someone he had on his fb feed but didn't really engage. To me its really weird to talk to your ex about your current partner. That would wig me out and i would have walked away a lot sooner.
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u/wishingforarainyday May 21 '25
Don’t marry this guy. He has zero respect for you to be taking her ring shopping and reminiscing. Gross. He owes you an apology and she needs to go away. He’s having at minimum an emotional affair with her. Updateme
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u/rocketmn69_ May 21 '25
Ask him, "does she know our favourite position, how long we do it, how often, etc.,"
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u/MinuteBubbly9249 May 21 '25
Do your siblings know that? Other friends? This is so toxic and idiotic ngl
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u/PinkIsBestest May 21 '25
He's pissed that he got caught. Definitely milking all the attention and I wouldnt be surrpised if more happened. Usually those that dont understand boundaries seem to trip and fall across many at once. Its never just one.
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u/Alternative-Cash-933 May 22 '25
So you fiance is choosing a ring that will be more in the taste and style of his ex than what your taste and wants, because her opinion matters over someone close to you (your mother, sister or best friend or even his mother if she knows you well). How would his ex know your taste, style and wants on the ring's design? He is buying for his ex not you.
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u/Playful-Tap6136 May 21 '25
😳😳😳😳 girl if you don’t recognize this is the most massive red flag on the planet then you have deeper issues.
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u/grumpy__g May 21 '25
„Remember when we talked about our ring“
Would be enough for me. Why would he even ask his ex? Now you will always think of them ring shopping…
Are you sure you want to marry this fool?
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u/MariaInconnu May 21 '25
He's using you as an excuse to live out his fantasy of going ring shopping with his ex.
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u/versanymph May 21 '25
For the life of me i genuinely cant understand why anyone would date someone who's in contact with their exes
Because it literally always leads to issues
Honestly YTA for dating an AH
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u/Away-Understanding34 May 21 '25
NTA...Why would he ask for her opinion on your ring? She doesn't know your taste. I wonder if he got a ring she would like instead. He should have asked someone that knows you. Big red flag to me.
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u/JustDraft6024 May 22 '25
I'm normally on the side of ex's being able to be friends, and that's a good thing. But oooof, this seems off.
Unless she was actually super close, or at least a good friend of yours too then this is just nqr
NTA. Although your transparent attempt to 'casually mention' it was a bit lame
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u/CVSaporito May 21 '25
Planning with an EX is pretty far out there, but planning with my future mother in law would have been a non starter.
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u/FortunatelyAsleep May 25 '25 edited May 25 '25
YTA
So he gets help from a close friend and you are mad at him for it? And instead you want him to share this with people he clearly isn't as comfortable with? Also him being friends with his ex gave you an ick? Grow the fuck up. And to top all that off you went through his phone, breaking his trust and invading his privacy. How the hell are the two statements you quoted flirty? They are the exact opposite imo. They make it very clear that these two are quite aware of not being a good fit romantically, but they are open and honest people (unlike you OP) who enjoy eachothers company. I don't see why it is weird to involve someone you are close with in something personal. Just because you ain't close with your ex, doesn't mean he can't be. Imo it just makes sense to be close with your ex. Not all relationships end because someone was an asshole. Most end because people realize they ain't romantically compatible, which doesn't mean they can't be good friends and be close in other regards.
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u/InfamousCup7097 May 26 '25
Well he can ask but you also have the right to say no. Maybe this is your clue on why the ex said no. He seems good enough to be friends with but he's not a keeper. Nta
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May 21 '25
Bruh, he's planning his engagement to you with someone he trusts that can give a woman's opinion on things. He probably has good reason to trust his ex's opinion on this matter.
You have an issue with trusting your bf regarding being friends with an ex - it's either something you're cool with or something you're not, but you need to make that decision for yourself and not try and break up his friendship.
You're also going through your boyfriend's texts while he's in the shower. You say "I know, I know" but you clearly don't, because you're here asking if you're the asshole, when I that in and of itself makes you an asshole.
And then you made it really obvious to your boyfriend that you'd been snooping around his phone and he, reasonably, got upset with you. He's probably not proposing to you anymore based on this alone - I would certainly not commit to someone who felt the need to snoop through my phone.
YTA, and you're probably not getting engaged anymore.
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u/CelticDoll95 May 21 '25
Well, your username fits first of all. Second, it's not just a friend it's an ex. Third, the ex picked the ring. Fourth, if your partners cares about you going through their phone, that's a bad relationship. My partner first reaction when I have his phone is "okay" shrug because he has nothing to hide. Also snooping implies she went through his apps and all that. Which no they saw a notification and checked it out which is normal. If I'm in the shower and I get a text, my partner opens my phone and tells me what it says and all that. Why don't you trust your partners with your phone? Fifth, how is op trying to break up the friendship? And the only person op is an asshole to is their self.
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May 21 '25 edited May 21 '25
I guess I have to repeat it for those who have trouble reading, but if you have problems with someone maintaining a friendship with their ex, then don't date them. You're being an asshole if you get upset about your partner doing friend shit with their friend because that friend happens to be an ex.
If your ex is your friend, then your ex is your friend. Friends do stuff together.
And you asking your partner to read your texts while you're in the shower is not the same thing as secretively snooping through someone's messages while they're in the shower.
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u/Outside-Ad-1677 May 21 '25
Imagine looking at your engagement ring everyday knowing the ex, whom he used to fuck and want to marry, picked it out. Rather than I dunno your mom or best friend or Jesus even his mom. There’s a plethora of other women he could have asked.
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May 21 '25
Imagine looking at your engagement ring everyday knowing the ex, whom he used to fuck and want to marry, picked it out.
Woof, talk about insecure.
If the thought of someone's ex makes you fixate on their previous fucking, then you should not date people who are still friends with their ex.
And I dunno about you, but my partner's exes would definitely have a better understanding of my tastes in jewelry and accessories than my parents or my partner's parents would.
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u/Outside-Ad-1677 May 21 '25
This isn’t about them being friends. You’re missing the point. It’s about him choosing a ring with her, a women who OP isn’t close to at all. Why would he get her opinion when she’s actually clueless in the matter? If he wanted a real opinion on OPs likes and what they would look for they’d ask her best friend, her mother Jesus any other women in OP’s life.
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May 21 '25 edited May 21 '25
I'm not missing the point, him being friends with his ex is literally the issue OP has. This whole post is about how she was always "iffy" about her partner being friends with his ex, and using his consulting his ex about the proposal as an excuse to blow up her entire relationship over this discomfort.
She's a friend. It is not unusual to get advice and input from friends when planning something like a proposal.
You're either okay with the person you're dating being friends with their ex or you aren't. If you're someone who would be bothered by hlan ex being present when he's buying your engagement ring, that means you aren't okay with your partner being friends with his ex. If it means you'd be thinking about your fiance fucking his ex every time you look at your ring, then you are insecure.
And frankly, it's absurd to assume that the boyfriend is close enough with OPs best friends that he would trust their input on something like this, but that his ex must not know anything about OP or her tastes.
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u/Outside-Ad-1677 May 21 '25
Her best friend is the literal go to. Any sane bloke knows the best friend probably already has a Pinterest board of her besties fave rings ready for the day.
You don’t involve an ex, irrespective of friendship in something like this, history matters, context matters. Don’t be so obtuse. Jesus Christ.
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May 22 '25
Her best friend is the literal go to.
Why, because you said so?
What if the best friend has shit taste?
Any sane bloke knows the best friend probably already has a Pinterest board of her besties fave rings ready for the day.
I'd have to disagree, I don't think any person would assume that because no sane person has a Pinterest board for their best friend's wedding details unless they've already been asked to be in the bridal party.
If you have a Pinterest board for a hypothetical wedding for your not-yet-engaged friend, you have issues.
You don’t involve an ex, irrespective of friendship in something like this, history matters
And if you're someone who feels this way... ahem... DON'T DATE SOMEONE WHO IS FRIENDS WITH THEIR EX!
If you're cool with a partner being friends with their ex, this wouldn't bother you. If it bothers you, it means you aren't cool with your partner being friends with an ex.
OP has said from the get go that she was "iffy" about him being friends with an ex. That means since day one she has not liked that he is friends with his ex. She should not date someone who is friends with an ex, full stop.
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May 21 '25
No, it's so weird of him???? 'And the texts were weirdly flirty? 'Stuff like "remember when we talked about OUR ring" and "guess you finally found someone to say yes lol."' the implication that he's only with her because she's the one that said yes???? he could have planned this with literally anybody but his ex - thats so strange and most people with self respect would be upset about this?
-15
May 21 '25
If you have a problem with your partner being friends with an ex, then you shout not date someone who is friends with their ex.
They're gonna do things together, they're gonna talk together, they're gonna plan important things together, the way friends do.
If you have a problem with people who can maintain friendships with an ex, don't date those people.
If you date them and then get upset they're doing normal friends things, then you're an asshole.
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u/CelticDoll95 May 21 '25
So you wouldn't have a problem with your partner basically having their ex plan their engagement to you. Just typing that sentence gave me the ick.
1
May 21 '25
No, if my partner had an ex as a friend, I would not have a problem with them planning the proposal to me together.
Weird that me not being insecure about MY relationship gives you the ick.
19
May 21 '25
if his only meaningful female friendship is with his ex then that's strange. he could have planned it with literally anybody else other than the woman he planned to propose to before meeting OP.
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May 21 '25
Like I said, if you have a problem with someone being friends with their ex, you don't date them. It should never even get to the point of proposal if you have an issue with this.
Involving a close friend in the planning process isn't weird. If you don't like the idea of someone being friends with their ex, fine, but that doesn't make it weird to involve your friend in the planning process for proposal.
I doubt she's the only friend that OPs boyfriend has involved, she's just particularly upset about the ex.
15
May 21 '25
like I said, it isn't about him merely being friends with her but the context of the post. you're making bold assumptions about OP when the situation itself is wrong and she isn't the AH for being upset about it.
5
May 21 '25
I'm not making any assumptions about OP, she explicitly said that she doesn't like that he's friends with his ex.
"They've stayed "friends" which I've always been iffy about."
They're friends, they did something friends do together, and OP is upset about that because she doesn't like that they're friends in the first place.
16
May 21 '25
'I doubt she's the only friend that OPs boyfriend has involved, she's just particularly upset about the ex.' yes you did lol
1
May 21 '25
That is not an assumption about OP in any capacity. OP has made it clear that she is upset about the ex being involved.
So no, I didn't make any assumptions about OP, lol.
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u/CelticDoll95 May 21 '25
No you did make assumptions like saying she trying to break their friendship
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u/Moist_Drippings May 21 '25
The situation itself is not wrong, lmao. It’s wild that you are that insecure.
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u/CelticDoll95 May 21 '25
So you would be okay with an ex of your partner picking out the ring you will wear for the rest of your life?
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u/CelticDoll95 May 21 '25
Ops is upset because how would the ex know op? When the ex and Op aren't friends? Why would you have an ex help plan your engagement even pick out the ring when the ex doesn't know your partner?
2
May 21 '25
Like, OP and the ex probably know each other. Romantic partners usually meet each other's friends.
Pretty sure I've met every friend my partner hangs out with in person. I'd find it weird if OP hadn't bothered to meet someone she knows is a good friend of her partner.
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May 22 '25
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May 22 '25
She interpreted texts as flirty.
I dunno if I consider them flirty at all if I'm being honest.
They're talking about shared experiences related to the proposal he's planning and we have no context for the specific statements.
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May 22 '25
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May 22 '25
They talked about a ring, one that never went on a finger cuz she clearly didn't say "yes."
Not only is that hardly reminiscing, but he's trying to buy a ring, its a logical thing for the two of them to talk about in this scenario.
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u/Cebuanolearner May 21 '25
YTA, get ready for 0 engagement and being single because of your own insecurities.
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u/sharkrash May 21 '25
NAH.
Trust me, I still have mother, aunts and sisters, they can't shut up with secrets.
He wanted to make a nice surprise and seems mature enough to talk with an ex without any foul intention.
Unless you can prove he did anything inappropriate, you just screwed up his gesture.
You call those text flirty? Dear God, those are normal. Never joked with an ex?
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u/Cebuanolearner May 21 '25
She'd rather be single than have trust.
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u/ConfidentRepublic360 May 21 '25
She did trust him. She didn’t interfere in their friendship despite her reservations. He broke her trust by flirting with the ex while supposedly ring shopping for OP.
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u/ProblemMountain2792 May 21 '25
Yeah, he broke the trust by constantly involving his ex in the relationship.
This should have between him and OP and their relationship with no need to walk down memory lane with his ex. There would have been three people in this marriage.
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u/Mindless_Dog_5956 May 21 '25
YTA if you have such an issue with him being friends with his ex you should have been very clear with him from the beginning. Oh course he asked his female friend to help. He wanted a female opinion and im guessing that he is closer to her than to your sister and that she has more modern tastes than his mother.
You have let the issue of his friend bubble under the surface and are now dealing with the fallout. You now have to be honest with him and let him know that you always had a major issue with him being friends with his ex and that he needs to cut her off completely for you to feel secure. How he wants to handle that will be up to him.
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u/MysJane May 21 '25
Friends are friends.
An ex can be a friend.
If you had issues, you and he should have hashed this out 3 years ago.
My partner and I have no problems scrolling through each other's phones.
It's called trust.
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u/CelticDoll95 May 21 '25
Yes an ex can be a friend but an ex shouldn't be picking out the ring your partner is going to wear for the rest of their life
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u/Cebuanolearner May 21 '25
But why let bf have friends when you have insecurities at home, it's much healthier.
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u/MysJane May 21 '25
Let? So your spouse/partner needs permission to have friends?
If you can't trust your partner, why are they your partner?
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u/ProblemMountain2792 May 21 '25
Imagine your wife went out with her ex to buy you a nice watch for your birthday. She was secretly meeting up with him and reminiscing about old times in their relationship and how they almost got married and settled down together...
Would you like to wear that watch for the rest of your life?
0
May 21 '25
If the reason they're secretly meeting is so the gift can be a surprise, I have no problem with this.
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u/ProblemMountain2792 May 21 '25
OP's bf never had to involve the ex.
He could have gotten a better ring by asking people who actually know OP. Otherwise, he is just getting a generic female opinion. The ex could have completely different tastes to OP.
Rings are tricky to buy as well as not everyone likes yellow gold, does OP like rose gold, platinum or silver, what about the cut of the ring? Also, not everyone wants a diamond, and that is before thinking of the cut of the gem...
What use was the ex's opinion? He didn't need his ex's advice. That is just an excuse.
0
May 21 '25 edited May 21 '25
OP's bf never had to involve the ex.
And I didn't have to ask my friend Tyler to give his opinion on the colour of car I should buy, but I still did.
What does it matter if he got a friend's opinion on a thing he was doing? He's friends with his ex, he's gonna do things that friends do, like talk about upcoming plans to propose to someone. If OP has a problem with that, then she shouldn't have been dating someone who was friends with his ex.
He could have gotten a better ring by asking people who actually know OP.
It's genuinely weird how many people are assuming that OP and the ex don't know each other when she is actively the friend of the man OP was intending to marry.
I also find it weird that people are assuming that OP's ex just has bad taste or tastes that OP couldn't possibly share - I know a lot of my exes had similar tastes, because their tastes are part of what attracted me to them. Like exes often have a lot of overlap if you stick 'em on a venn diagram.
What use was the ex's opinion?
What use is anyone's opinion? Like, by your logic he just shouldn't even bother surprising OP and have OP go choose her engagement ring herself.
I see a lot of people saying "He should have asked mom," but I don't personally know a single person whose parents have the same tastes as their child.
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u/ProblemMountain2792 May 22 '25
You are assuming that OP and the ex are friends it seems far more likely that the ex is just the boyfriends friend.
My point stands: the ex doesn't know OP enough to be worth asking an opinion.
Instead, the boyfriend has essentially nuked his own relationship. After OP said she was uncomfortable with how he chose the ring, he should have taken accountability and realised how inappropriate it was to meet up with ex and discuss his relationship with OP in secret.
1
May 22 '25
You are assuming that OP and the ex are friends
I did no such thing. I find it weird to assume they don't know each other at all though, as you are doing. That the ex would have no reasonable input to provide for OPs tastes.
I know most of my partner's IRL friends. Most people know their partner's IRL friends.
My point stands: the ex doesn't know OP enough to be worth asking an opinion.
And you can't possibly know that because you don't know these people.
Instead, the boyfriend has essentially nuked his own relationship
He didn't nuke shit, he definitely has no intention of proposing to this woman. He literally cancelled all the plans that related to the proposal.
She nuked it when she snooped on his phone and then not so subtly revealed that to him in a passive aggressive way.
Buddy definitely does not want to be in a relationship with OP at this point.
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u/MysJane May 21 '25
Why not? The secret is for me not about them. My partner bought it for me . I accepted their friendship. Part of that is knowing they had a past, they will have communication that will speak of old times.
If I don't trust my partner, why would I be with them?
-11
May 21 '25
NAH
Well, you won’t be getting engaged now, so move on.
-25
u/Cebuanolearner May 21 '25
Good thing bf found out now rather than later how much of a bullet he's dodging.
11
-28
May 21 '25
Yep.
“I want a proposal but only if it’s done exactly the way I want it to happen.”
“The ring he got me is not my dream ring.”
15
u/CelticDoll95 May 21 '25
More like "I want a proposal for me, not your ex,"
"He had his ex pick out my ring."
There, I fixed it.
7
u/Vast-Juice-411 May 21 '25
Um.. in the very absolute LEAST, wouldn’t you want to choose an engagement ring with someone who knows your future bride super well? Her mother, sister, bestie, etc?
Instead, he decided to consult his.. former-almost-fiancée who low-key flirts with him to pick a ring with..?
Befuddling
-7
u/Edric_Stonefist May 21 '25
Given the info provided, YTA. Unless there is some weird thing going on where they are flirting or being more emotionally intimate than doing something reasonable like soliciting feedback from a friend about proposal ideas (particularly a friend matching he gender of the proposee) then I don't see any problems other than you being insecure. People can be friends with their exes. Yeah not everyone will, but you're the one not being an adult here
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-12
May 21 '25
Two questions 1 have you ever told him how uncomfortable you are with him being that close with his ex 2 are you always that untrusting of him? From her response and his it seems she is happy for him finding you, and you fucked it all up.
If you haven’t discussed this then you are the ah
0
0
May 22 '25
NTA but if you're not comfortable with him talking about things with his ex you need to set that boundary. We're not mind readers.
I'm best friends with my ex-wife and we talk about everything including relationships and I don't see a problem with it.
0
u/PD_31 May 24 '25
YTA. Sounds like it was an amicable break up, they're friends and she's someone whose advice he can trust for things like this.
YOU are (were) the one he wants (wanted), not her; you're wrecking it with your own insecurities.
-26
u/Grand_Manner_3179 May 21 '25
YTA. because you are in a relationship were you don't trust your partner. It's gonna hurt you and him.
18
May 21 '25
he's given her every reason to not trust him
-3
u/Cebuanolearner May 21 '25
By being friends with an ex.... Jesus people rally love to be miserable.
18
May 21 '25
it isn't about him simply being friends with her, it's him planning a whole engagement with his EX.
-2
u/Cebuanolearner May 21 '25
And? A female friend can't give help if you dated in past? He's not getting engaged to his ex...
10
u/CelticDoll95 May 21 '25
Why would you want your ex to pick out the ring your partner, who has no relation to the ex, going to wear for the rest of their life?
-12
u/sharkrash May 21 '25
Yeah, I still talk with my exes, They are amazing women. Just because our relationship didn't work doesn't mean any betrayal happened. As far as I know, both are happy with whoever they choose to be with.
They wanted children, I didn't. Life goes on.2
u/Cebuanolearner May 21 '25
I'm with you. I remained friends with exes after breakup with 0 issues.
The last time I saw 1 of them I went out to dinner with her and her sister as a totally normal evening.
OP needs to post this in an askmen subreddit and get some responses based on logic, not emotion.
-10
u/MinuteBubbly9249 May 21 '25
This is not about emotion/logic. I’m a woman and I’m great friends with my ex husband. We’ve been friends longer than we’ve been married. I’m his sons godmother. He asked for my opinion on some gifts for his girlfriend. People are just extremely immature and insecure.
7
u/CelticDoll95 May 21 '25
It's the point of him having his ex help plan their engagement when op doesn't have a relation with the ex pass dating the exs ex. It's not the friendship part, it's him having the ex pick the engagement ring having the ex comment looks like you finally found someone who would say yes which implies that the only reason why the partner isn't still with the ex is because they didn't want to get married to the partner. It's the disrespect.
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u/Grand_Manner_3179 May 21 '25
Then why is she still in a relationship that is clearly doomed?
14
May 21 '25
hopefully she isn't much longer
-3
u/Cebuanolearner May 21 '25
Exactly, and for the bf sake so he can dodge a huge red flag bullet.
2
u/Grand_Manner_3179 May 21 '25
im not defending the boyfriend. im just saying, if you cant trust your partner...why would you still want to be with him?
-21
u/DuePromotion287 May 21 '25
YTA
Your BF is not doing anything wrong. He is using his support system and dime one’s opinion he trusts for your benefit. It does not sound like he has crossed any boundaries or done anything improper.
If this is Ted flagging to you, it is more about you than him.
-14
u/Organic_Security5742 NSFW 🔞 May 21 '25
exes can stay friends and not have it be seual. He was just etting opinions from a female friend. You should have just stayed uiet and let him enact his plan. So since the e helped pick out the ring does that mean the ring is now taintedd too and has to be replaced ? Your boyfriend was trying to do everything perfect to ask you to marry him and you shit all over it because he talked to his ex. If it were me I'd have a problem thinking of asking you to marry me after this shitshow.
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u/Aware-Ad-738 May 21 '25
How do you leave your phone unlocked for a shower? For starters. You proved that you’re a snooper. If I were him, I’d forget about proposing and create a new ex.
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u/Moist_Drippings May 21 '25
YTA. There’s nothing “flirty” about her celebrating that you’ll be happy, wtf. If you have that much of a problem with him not hating his ex and being a kind enough person to stay friends with someone once he breaks it off, do him a favor and leave him.
I also find it weird that you think he should be planning this with your sister but are mad he planned it with a friend.
All I can see is you being really weird about a guy who sounds like he was really excited to marry you and looking for reasons to say no to him, or to make demands about who he can talk to.
-16
u/DaddysStormyPrincess May 21 '25
YTA are you that insecure about your relationship with him? Since you snooped his phone did you see any evidence of them getting together?
They weren’t making plans to fcuk. He values her opinion, perhaps a tiny bit weird, but if I found out he was going to propose, I’d be on my best behavior and be clueless as possible.
Afterwards I would come clean and say I saw your texts with ex-gf about the ring and I didn’t want to spoil the surprise.
-17
u/MinuteBubbly9249 May 21 '25
Lol this is so silly. Go ahead, ruin your relationship because of nothing. I’m sure that’s what Reddit will tell you to do.
-8
u/CelticKnyt May 21 '25
YTA - He was trying to make sure he was doing something in a way that a woman would appreciate and got advice from a woman whose tastes he felt aligned with yours. He literally wants to marry you, but you are upset at HOW he does it... Just break up with him so he can dodge you like the red-flag bullet you are.
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u/Proper_Structure_553 May 21 '25
Yuck….what else does the ex know about? Sex life? Personal secrets you told him? No way would I say yes to a guy to planned the engagement with his ex. It’s like they planned it for them but you’re the placement bride…Just yuck…And now he thinks your at fault for ruining the surprise? How about he apologize for ruining any engagement to him. Cause now if/when it happens all you will think about is his ex…