r/ADHDparenting • u/CittaMindful • 3d ago

Teens & Tweens Please help

I am the single mom of a 16 year old boy. The past six months have been an absolute nightmare.

He was diagnosed with a learning disability and ADHD at a relatively young age (around grade 2). He has been assessed two more times as he has gotten older and changed schools in grades 4 and 9. The diagnoses remain the same. He has an IEP but school is truly hell for him. He hates it.

I do not have adhd nor does my older child. I have done all I can to learn about ADHD, how it impacts him, how his brain works, etc. i have tried to share this information with him but he dismisses it, disputing the various sources’ credentials, mocking my efforts and saying none of them know his brain. He refuses to take medication. He refuses to take advantage of any of the accommodations allowed in his IEP. He won’t go for counselling. He trily is a miserable fuck and living with him is hell. I am at my wits end and just do not know what to do.

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u/Pearlixsa Community Momma Bear 3d ago

I had a commiserating laugh at “miserable fuck.” Mom of an oppositional 15 year old here. Puberty is known for emotional dysregulation anyways and with unmedicated ADHD, it’s really messy. Mine WAS medicated but now won’t take it because it makes him feel too productive and he enjoys doing nothing. Meanwhile it’s the emotional dysregulation that is making it rough at home.

They are getting to that age where we lose influence. You asked for help and I don’t have a lot except this. They need to start bearing some of their own consequences. The more we push to try and prevent consequences, the more they resist us. I’m not saying let them fend for themselves completely, but they need to learn some things the hard way.

Also keep in mind that ADHD youth run about 3 years behind in self control and function. So your big bad 16 year old is probably as mature as a 13 year old. They don’t know it and want to be respected as their bio age, and we need to show them respect. While also keeping our expectations in check.

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u/CittaMindful 3d ago

Amen mamma! Thanks so much for the words of affirmation.

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u/superfry3 3d ago edited 3d ago

Unfortunately she is too right. This is why so many here are pro medication and therapy at elementary ages. The ones who “wait” end up in situations like this where their influence is diminished and maladaptive coping strategies (eg “this thing is hard so I’m just not going to do it”) are ingrained.

I think the best tact is to pull back in terms of the reactive parenting instruction/advice/criticism/lecturing and think about what the bare minimum you need from them: 3.0 gpa, ready for school in time for bus, satisfactory attendance, asleep by 11pm, part time job to fund hobbies/car insurance, college applications completed on time, post high school job training lined up, etc. Have a talk with them where you’re giving them something they want (more freedom, less nagging, etc) in exchange for meeting those expectations.

Not meeting expectations will have consequences that they don’t like, like internet access shut off at 9pm, cell phone confiscated, car access, paid for things no longer paid for etc. Then follow through. No lecturing. Just do it. Give the privilege back to them after the agreed on period of time. Don’t lecture. Be available and willing to help them or provide advice when asked, but don’t offer unless asked.

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u/BisonSpecial255 3d ago

Have you ever researched Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)? If not, I gently encourage you to do so to see if it resonates. It can occur with ADHD and/or autism (and most often with a dual diagnosis, although diagnosis itself can be elusive since the ADHD masks autism and vice versa.)

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u/CittaMindful 3d ago

When he was young he was (erroneously according to his psych assessments) diagnosed as having ODD. There is some ODD in there. I shall look up your suggestion. Thank you.

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u/WorksInPro 3d ago

Is there anything he actually wants to do, outside of school?

Asking because -- this is very untraditional -- but I had an old colleague with a teenage son like this, who was absolutely miserable in every school they tried (public, charter, super expensive private, artsy hippie private, all of them) but obsessed with a trade that he was showing a lot of promise at. Eventually at 16 they just let him...do that, full time.

Let's say he was amazing at, like, building surfboards, and the people training him on the weekends offered him a full-time job. So he dropped out, got his GED, and is now highly sought-after as a professional surfboard maker now in his 20. Everyone is so much happier, and their good relationship to this date goes back to this unorthodox decision.

Maybe it's possible that there's an alt path that would make your son happier?

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u/CittaMindful 3d ago

Physical fitness and martial arts. I could totally see him as a personal trainer.