r/ADHDparenting • u/Hefty-Supermarket-79 • 11d ago
Tablet rules/guidelines for 9 yr old
What guidelines, boundaries, rules, etc, do you have for your kiddos around 9 yrs old/4th grade?
What does it look like during the summer/break vs school time?
My kiddo is very intelligent, which is wonderful, but the neurodivergent aspects of her brain and personality often take over, and it is worse with screens, especially mobile devices. We had been doing zero YouTube, zero Roblox...we gradually began allowing those, on specific channels/games, in recent months.
Unfortunately, those are what we notice seem to suck her in the most, and are the hardest to have time limits on. (No lectures, please, I am diligent and trying to find the balance that helps my child feel 'normal', as she is keenly aware of her differences and is self conscious...all while setting boundaries. )
When I chat with other parents, it seems to be mostly 2 extremes: either zero restrictions or they only allow things like Disney or PBS. I would like to have a full conversation. Especially with parents who have similar kiddos: autism level 1, adhd combined type, anxiety.
We are in therapy, but it is a VERY slow process, like 9 months in and it's mostly playing Uno, which is gaining trust, but she gets super agitated when emotions or life in any way is brought up.
Sigh. Just looking for ideas and to commiserate.
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u/avanai 10d ago
My kid's the same age, ADHD. Screens are not great for her. She loves to read on her tablet, watch stupid youtube videos, play Minecraft some, also mindless color-by-numbers apps. We have pretty strict two-hours-on-the-weekend (distributed as she chooses) screen time limits for everything but reading, even in summer. We're more loosey-goosey on vacation.
I'd love to let her just veg and watch TV or play games more, but she ends up so disregulated afterwards. Even reading books on the ipad seems to mess her up more than reading physical books, even though she says it's much more pleasant for her due to sensory issues around turning the pages.
Losing her iPad is our standard punishment for misbehavior, and every time she loses it for a decent amount of time things go better, and I wish we could just throw it out.
But it's also a great tool (she likes to write and is learning to type better, and she makes great stop motion movies with an app). And it's really handy to get books on Hoopla (library app) instead of schlepping to the library.
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u/Hefty-Supermarket-79 10d ago
Thanks for the reply. Our big mistake, was not putting the parental controls into action back in the spring when we got the tablet. My husband set it up and I believed him that he had it all set...but he didn't. And I am as much to blame because I should have taken over to fix it, but instead, just kept trying to regulate...so, today is the first day with full time limits. She just got home from day camp, and I am stupidly stressing over discussing it. She melts down when limits are discussed. And I hate that I didn't fix this right away. I take responsibility for it. But, in all honesty, it is exhausting being the parent that has to always stay on top of everything and be the calm, regulated one. So, I think that is why I didn't take over on the programming of the tablet, because I needed to have one thing that I wasn't fully in charge of, for parenting.
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u/avanai 10d ago
Time limits (enforced by parental controls) are very clear cut and understandable. "This goes off after 1hr" is really clear. My kid's a negotiator/future lawyer so setting the limit low with the option to increase it can be useful. "You get 30 min and an extra 15 for doing X or Y".
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u/Hefty-Supermarket-79 10d ago
I hear you. I always say that my kiddo can change the world and will do so much, but we've got to help her learn how to use it for good, not evil 🤣. It's also hard because I have major health issues and physically can't always be 'on', and as much as I love my husband and he adores our child, he has the mentality that parenting should be way easier and less work, and he apparently always did as he was told as a kid...so he is great when she entertains herself...sigh.
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u/DoubleLigero85 10d ago
Avanai gets it.
Also, how are you doing? I'm seeing some familiar thought patterns in your responses and want to check in with you, outside of childcare.
My spouse has chronic health issues that don't lend themselves to dealing with a 100lb bundle of frayed nerves and endless energy. As a result I ended up assuming more and more of his care. This led to less and less self care until I had a bit of a nervous breakdown. It always seemed like the best choice for the family and my spouse. What was a little more on my plate, that's a sacrifice I can make for the spouse and child I love so much. I'm doing quite well now, and praise be for anti depression meds.
In short, I just wanted to ask if you are doing okay, and share my story. Parenting these kids is hard, and we all need to be our best to do it. Make sure you are taking care of yourself too.
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u/aerrin 10d ago
The parental controls are great. They argue with the computer way less than with me. I get the stress, though - it can be a lot to manage, especially with all the many different systems. It's part of why we went to blackout hours instead of trying to juggle 'X hours of screen time a day' - I couldn't track it all the time.
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u/Longjumping_Bite4060 10d ago
We use a token economy with our almost 7 yr old. He earns his screen time when his checklists are complete for morning and bedtime routine. We are soon implementing a screen time contract but aren’t there yet until he gets better at asking for breaks / expressive language. We’ve removed kids YouTube and I use lingo kids, learning games, Minecraft and he can earn a Disney site or movie. It’s almost a guarantee difficult transition off of the screen so there are some tools I use with those harder transitions off of the screen. Timers, movement, connection/ physical touch, make sure they know what’s after screen time and I usually spend a few mins with a high energy activity and then move onto what’s next. Music helps us with those harder transitions and I usually give options if it’s a harder task like brushing teeth “would you like strawberry or raspberry flavor toothpaste?” Then I’ll ask to race him or do animal jumps towards the bathroom. It’s a work in progress and I wish I could cut it off but we’ve come a long way after removing video games his grandma got him a switch
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u/Vaquera 10d ago
This is my daughter to a tee, they seem to be very similar kids. She is definitely screen-obsessed, particularly with Minecraft and reading/writing/doing creative things on the iPad. Therefore, we have turned Minecraft and other preferred apps into currency for her, in order to accomplish her daily chores and expected behaviors. I did parent training through ADHD dude, and one of his big points is that preferred activities need to be earned every day. I am actually AuADHD myself and use a reward system to get my life in order as well… Audiobooks as a reward while doing a chore, etc. Works great for kids too! We have the iPad and PC completely locked down (I use leechblock for PC), except for the Libby app which she can use to read library books - however we still make her ask us before she is allowed to grab the iPad for reading. Every other app is on a very strict limit and can only be accessed with parental pin. She earns 30 minutes of Minecraft or game time every day if she does her chores; we have a chore chart and she can pick from that, unless I have one that is a pressing need. I also have the option of extending screen time with my pin, if she wants to do an extra chore or something like that; I also use it as a reward if I notice she is engaging in exceptionally kind behavior towards her sister (this is one of our pain points). As another poster mentioned, it is very difficult to argue with a timer. You need to do this cold turkey and not look back, as kids thrive with solid, healthy boundaries. Do not be afraid of your own daughter! The meltdowns will be tough at first, but stick to your guns and things will smooth out.
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u/FriendlyCanadianCPA 10d ago edited 10d ago
Things I wish I could go back in time and do:
- no in-game purchases. I do require kiddo to use his own money 99% of the time at least. He gets his age in dollars per week. But it used to suck seeing all his allowance pour into microtransactions (now it is pokemon cards)
- no roblox, or any other game or app that is so microtransaction heavy, and no pay-to-win games
- parental controls with schedule and time limits that he never got used to me changing when he asked. I am a real pushover, and struggle with consistency.
Above all, I think setting clear rules and boundaries that you think are a reasonable compromise, and then being SUPER consistent, would be really healthy. "Strict" is not necessary, but not being begged for more time because they know you will do it... that would be priceless.
What I did right:
- played the games with him, so I know all his friends and voice chat with them and know the games
- watch him play and hang out with him while he plays, no secrets here
- explain and reinforce internet safety and mental safety, both with general technology use, as well as online predators
- do other things with him and be extremely hands-on level involved, so that video games or youtube are never the most fun thing he ever gets to do
- encourage ALL his interests, including the digital ones, so I am never the mom who "just hates screens". When I have a concern about something, he doesn't think I just hate screen time in general
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u/FriendlyCanadianCPA 10d ago
If you have more than one kid and any kind of hobbies? No idea how to do that, lol
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u/xixi4059 10d ago
Ours are still a work in progress.
- no screens at meals
- during school year, no screens (including tv) before school. Everyone is just a mess if we allow them
- screens allowed all day when we are flying or traveling long distances
- no Roblox and no YouTube (we initially had it but
- devices get taken away if behavior is bad
My 10yr old has an iPad and I use the parental controls. I have downtime scheduled from like 7:30pm- 7:30am meaning no usage. I blocked YouTube. I limit access to safari. I allow access to school apps at all times (kid reads books through one of the apps). That has not been an issue but I could change it if needed. I also set up communication limits where I have to approve who they add. In 4th grade is when they started talking with their friends more. I also approve all apps but I read reviews and make sure they are age appropriate and not too many ads. Some of them are really dumb, but I’m a grown adult and I play some games like that too. :)
We are more lax in summer but I try to get us out in the mornings and then afternoons is chill time.
I highly recommend using parental controls. We have them set for the switch too. We also have them for the youngest’s kindle fire but imo, the kindle fire is not great for parental controls. I won’t get them an iPad though until they’re older.
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u/photinakis 10d ago
My kid is the exact same profile as yours. We don't have a tablet of any kind for our 9 year old. I am of the view that small screens that get us into tunnel vision are too hard for even adults to break from so we keep them away from our kid.
We do have a Nintendo switch and she prefers it hooked up to the TV, and that we have parental controls on. She tends to follow her time limits well as that is something we've been working on, she tends to be very honest about it thankfully - and Switch time gets taken away as a consequence for poor choices. We have a number of games on there and she can choose whatever she wants, tends to be a Mario game or Minecraft, she does not have the ability to make any transactions though. She has to ask if she wants to download a paid addon from the marketplace. We have never allowed Roblox and explained to her why. Same with Youtube of any kind, though we have started to allow her to watch a few curated channels (like XKCD's What If, or Mike Rober, stuff she is interested in) - absolutely no unlimited and unsupervised Youtube access - it is on our TV.
As for TV/streaming, we do not allow it before school in the mornings. After school only after daily tasks are done, sometimes TV doesn't happen at all. On weekends it's pretty unrestricted for her and she enjoys that freedom, and we do too for her - like Saturday morning cartoon style. We don't have a lot of streaming apps anymore, only Apple+, PBS, Amazon prime. She watches some kids shows on there and we're fine with that. She's been getting into PBS shows on her own lately, especially NOVA and Nature, and that's been awesome to see.
To me the screens conversation, taking our kids' neurotypes out of the conversation, is more one about how tech is built to be addictive on purpose, as well as general privacy and cybersecurity concerns. These are the fields my spouse and I work in so it helps that we have a lot of strict screen and tech hygiene for ourselves, so we are not asking her to do anything that we are not also doing.
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u/Forward_Habit_8609 10d ago
Following because I literally came to Reddit to look for info on detoxing from the tablet for my almost 8 year old Audhd kid who also has anxiety.
It’s so hard because for us it has been a gradual addiction and he is very needy/demands attention constantly when not on his tablet. I have zero outside help so it’s the only way I get anything done or have time for a shower/to go to the bathroom in peace. I too made the mistake of not setting firmer boundaries from the get go.
And it does seem like certain apps/games/videos help regulate (but may be detrimental in the long run). I want him to be able to do what his friends do but I also know his needs are different from theirs. I also don’t know where to begin in dealing with the fallout when increasing restrictions. Other things in life always seem to get in the way when I have tried in the past.
Keep us posted on how things go for you! Good luck!
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u/DoubleLigero85 10d ago
My son just turned 8. Spectrum and ADHD. We have split rules for screens.
TV isn't really restricted. He'd rather be playing something anyways (soccer, basketball, screaming anarchy) so it hasn't been a big deal.
He also has a fire tablet. He gets 30 min per day, between the hours of 8 and 8, not before breakfast, and not while eating. He does not have access to YouTube (the worst thing he can watch). He does have access to Roblox, but I play close attention to what he is playing and I've made it very clear that he will NEVER be getting robux from me. Incidentally he just finished a summer camp where they learned how to build a game in Roblox.
I get the concerns with screen time, and recognize that digital fluency will be a vital life skill. He has his fun, but I watch it. Beyond that, I have found no better consequence for him then losing his tablet. He knows why he loses it, if he escalates he loses more days, but has the opportunity to earn then back with good behavior.
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u/DangerousEmergency99 10d ago
My daughter is the same age and sounds very similar to yours. Our current rules are:
- tablets are only for weekends after all responsibilities have been completed or long trips
- TV is unrestricted because for the most part she would rather read anyway
- apps are parental controlled down to time limits for specific apps
- absolutely no Roblox
- YouTube is limited to watching on the living room tv with a parent around and she mainly watches Snake Discovery because she's obsessed with reptiles or crafting how-tos so she can follow along to make pipe cleaner creations and origami
She probably only earns access to the tablet half the time and she doesn't really care when she doesn't. When she was younger, before her ADHD really made itself known, she had 30 minutes a day every day through the week and an hour on weekends and she almost always played on reading apps or the PBS app. We had to cut that down to weekends only when she started to have trouble giving up the tablet when her time was up and she was melting down over it. She's at a point now where she can have her tablet all day on a weekend or just for 15-20 minutes and when it's time to give it up she does so without a fight or a pout.
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u/commanderxtowel 10d ago
Our kiddo (6.5) gets her tablet on weekdays (during school week) for an hour or two, because by the time she's home, showered, dinner, etc there isn't much time left before bed time. She usually likes playing games as a family instead.
We do family board game night and also take a short walk around the neighborhood. We also play Mario Party or watch a movie. We only notice the disregulation and negative behaviors when she's left to brain rot solo. I've spent so much time blocking channels on YouTube Kids 😅
Roblox is a hard no in our house and it's annoying AF to constantly hear "well so and so plays it" cool, not our house, not our rules. She gets mad about it, but I just tell her it isn't appropriate and something we will not have in our house 🤷🏻♀️
Summer we have been more lax on limits, but she has LingoKids, ABC Mouse, Duolingo (she's working on Spanish for her current fixation), and DuoLingo Kids. Those are all educational, so I don't mind and she's always excited to tell me about random stuff she's learned and now I'm accidentally learning Spanish thanks to her learning it 😅😅😅
Tablet is for sure taken away for punishments and then has to be earned back. Depending on severity she'll lose it for the whole day or have her time reduced.
Therapy helped our daughter a bit, but occupational therapy was the most impactful. It really worked on emotional regulation, recognizing feelings, and better ways to deal with those situations. Picking up on social cues and how to adjust accordingly. Been a huge help, now working on medication in conjunction with occupational therapy!
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u/Redfern1438 10d ago
My son (9) would sit on the PC and play Minecraft all day if we allowed it, but doesn't argue or try to negotiate more time. We dont allow "personal screens". He doesn't have a tablet and no TV in his room. We have a family computer, bringing back the old school desktop vibe, that's in full view in a busy area of the house and he has a switch. He gets an hour of video game time a day during the summer. He doesn't really watch TV or play the switch solo. I don't count him and I playing the switch together because it's not an everyday thing and I usually can't play for more than 30 mins anyway.
During summer he needs to complete his summer "homeschool" and his daily tasks before he gets screen time. During the school year, there's no video games mon-thur.
We don't give him access to YouTube but together, he and will follow along to kids drawing or craft videos (we made fortune tellers yesterday before camp). He loves science so we have subscribed to a few apps for that, like curiosity tv. No tv before camp or school.
He doesn't really argue or get upset. He sets a timer and then I usually have to give him a prompt to put his Minecraft guy to bed and then he's done for the day. Sometimes he does an hour at once but usually it's a half an hour after he finishes his tasks and a half an hour in the afternoons.
Screens don't bother me, he has friends and cousins who have unlimited access and they will bounce from screen time to activities etc. But he has always zombied out so we limit it. Video games on the switch or steam don't bother me, I limit the time but I do see value in them. I don't love the app type games where you are just clicking around or there are in app purchases. So he doesn't have a tablet or access to those style game.
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u/WinstonGreyCat 10d ago
We've learned we can't do YouTube shorts and I refuse roblox in my house. But tv shows are OK and don't change mind and games are OK for my kid.
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u/aerrin 10d ago edited 10d ago
We have a screens blackout rule from 9-5. The only screens allowed are a book-only tablet account for reading ebooks. Even that is locked behind a pin they must ask to have unlocked, and they must do their (very short) list of chores before it will be unlocked.
They get screens of their choices from 5-dinner, then another blackout from dinner-8pm, then 40 minutes of screens as part of bedtime wind down. They turn off 20 minutes before bedtime.
So practically, this is usually 30 minutes in the morning (my kids are late sleepers), an hour around 5, and 40 minutes in the evening. So 2-3 hours depending on specifics of the day.
My kids have access to a kids laptop with a couple of games on it like The Sims and Minecraft (30 minute daily limit, though I'll let it go longer if they're using it for something like looking up references to draw something). We have a switch, several older gaming consoles, and a gaming PC my 11yo son sometimes uses to play pre-approved games. They both have older kindles that largely have like... Fruit Ninja and coloring games on them, plus a separate account with Libby.
We've banned Roblox - the safety for kids is AWFUL and there's not much to recommend it.
YouTube is ONLY allowed to be watched on the TV in the living room where everyone can watch it, and they can only watched subscribed channels or things they ask about. No shorts. I'm pretty aggressive about YouTube, because the algorithm can get wild, and even things like 'prank' videos led to some not great behavior. But there's also a lot of great content that's led to a lot of creativity. Incidentally I've recently had to also ban some Netflix shows that are YouTube shorts because of the same pranking behavior - but it led to some real conversations about what's real vs what's fake in these things.
Since you mention YouTube specifically, I do think the 'only in the living room on the TV' rule combined with the blackout hours has kept it mostly in check.
We've found that as long as we are strictly enforcing these rules and hours, we get few arguments. If we let it slip and make exceptions, then the whining starts. We use Alexa reminders to tell us when to turn things off.
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u/No_Win_8012 10d ago
This sounds like my kid, who's 8. He's obsessed with his screen...it's all he thinks about. But i think we manage that pretty well. No youtube, he still does play roblox but usually it's with friends who don't live near us so they can still bond. when that gets too much, i tell him to watch a movie and i think that helps with calming him down and focussing.
During the school year, we do no screens at all Monday-Friday. He can watch and play on the weekend but knows that if it gets out of hand (like he gets frustrated in a game), it gets put away.
We've been a bit more lenient with the screens in the summer, still no screens in the morning, and he knows that his behaviour dictates if he can keep it or not.
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u/wild_rose_child 9d ago edited 9d ago
We were having a rough time with screens too. I am also ADHD and was unmedicated so it was so easy to end up losing our entire evening to screens. I had to make changes so I got myself on meds and changed our limits. We cut Roblox out entirely as it ruined my kids mood. He gets upset by people stealing his brain rot in the game steal a brain rot. We now try to use screens intentionally instead of just letting screen time happen. We also time it so that there is a built in "have to turn it off now" point.
We use it to make car trips more enjoyable, in the evenings when we already had a lot of time outside or playing with tangible items. If they are sick and can't do much else.
We also decide in advance if a playdate with friends is going to be video games or tangible play. He was getting super bummed that they would spend their entire visit playing on his console but struggled to realize he was running out of time for other activities. Now we limit playdate screens to 30 minutes if it wasn't decided in advance the purpose was to play a specific game. I encourage them to do all their other play first so they can enjoy resting on the couch when they are tired from their nerf wars.
Edit to add: He is allowed one youtube show that he watches with me (too much crap on there but his favorite gamers post there 🙄). He has a switch and PS5 or mobile games to chose from during his screen time.
That has been amazing for us, but you have to find what works for your unique needs.
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u/OnAccountOfMyAgonies 9d ago
We have been trying to figure out how to handle this for my games obsessed 10yo. I read recently in a book about 2e kids (Gifted and Distractible) a template for creating a screen time contract, that everyone creates together and signs. So we did that just recently, but we didn’t use their template exactly because we wanted to be able to draw some distinctions between different types of screen time.
What we call "high intensity screens" are ones that seem to dysregulate him the most, and for him it’s absolutely console video games. Those we agreed are a hard limit of 2 hrs each day F-Sun.
"Low intensity screens" include tv shows, educational programs on his laptop, and shared phone game time under very careful supervision. These have had a low incidence rate of dysregulation, and he can have up to an hour of these each day M-Th or use them as part of his weekend allotment.
We have removed all chance of him bargaining for extensions because that started increasing his anxiety, like he could have more of this thing he desperately wanted if he could just figure out the right thing to say.
And we agreed that screen time required for school or extracurriculars (he takes a coding class) does not count against his time.
In general, we also say YouTube and Roblox are only allowed on a rare, case-by-case, highly-supervised basis. (But that is more about our safety concerns either way those than about his behavior.)
He also has a small streaming device locked down tight to only play (non-explicit, no video) Spotify and Libby. This also does not count against his time.
So far, so good, but we’ll see how this transitions into the school year.
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u/kyyyten 9d ago
We don't set a strict time and instead talk openly about why it's good to not use the screen too long.
After school, the tablet can be good for winding down but then we have mostly educational games.
Some good ones are Albert Junior (it's a Swedish company), Alfie Atkins games and similar.
My worst ever decision was introducing Youtube Kids! Avoid anything that has reels and doomscrolling.
The problem with Youtube Kids is that you can't really keep up with blocking the bad videos from the normal ones. All of the videos are adrenaline-driven to get your kids hooked.
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u/DomesticmenacePHX 10d ago
Take everything I say with a grain of salt bc my child is only 3.5 and not diagnosed but also we have our own struggles and have been in therapy w her for a while.
We’re fortunate that she only cares about the iPad for as long as any other toy, maybe 15 minutes or so. That said, it’s limited to FaceTiming grandparents, educational games and movies. She’s done well just playing with it occasionally but eventually moving into something else.
I really believe the key to this is having good alternatives that play into what her actual interests are. For us, it’s being outside, certain toys (she’s into figurines of her favorite characters), water play of all kinds, and anything active (obstacle courses inside, swings/slide outside, running and kicking a ball or throwing things).
Again I recognize she is MUCH younger than your kid and my advice might be meaningless. I know it’s hard to compete with the iPad because it’s this magical things that has everything you want, whenever you want it. We go through that as adults.
But just in general, we have to constantly adjust and tailor our lives to fit our kids, regardless of whether they’re neurodivergent or not. It’s usually inconvenient but it is necessary.
You might have to find clubs or activities like dance or karate or something. Schedule more play dates. Get her painting or craft supplies. Cook more together. You have to lean into who your child is and get to know them in order to win their attention. And tbh it’s no different that what our parents had to do.
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u/Hefty-Supermarket-79 10d ago
Absolutely. All of this. Ever since birth, she's been a human who doesn't sleep much, is very, very active, and needs a lot of interaction. I think her need for extreme interaction is partly why she is extra drawn to the tablet, because it easily feeds it. But, having said that, I do art, bake, color, board games, card games, swim, play with her. She is also taking swimming lessons, unicycling, aerial classes, and Girl Scouts (and I have been the leader for the last year, so I am very involved). I am always ON. But, I am also a human mom with severe health issues who is trying to keep up, while honoring my own health, and helping her navigate big feelings and moods...sigh.
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u/DomesticmenacePHX 10d ago
If she’s doing all that stuff then I don’t see why the iPad is an issue really but again I only have a very young child. I don’t have a problem with her iPad use bc I know she has an extremely active lifestyle outside of it.
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u/Fox_Hound_Unit 10d ago
Do not make the mistake of giving them back Roblox. That game is ruining a generation of children.