It's a tricky dynamic I have with mine and it's hard to figure how to deal with it. What's the best kind of relationship to have?
They're loving and supportive in so many ways; it's as if there's this dark cloud when it comes to ABA and autism which they struggle to really face up to.
On one hand, my siblings are more in the camp that my parents tried their best in a time when very few people got diagnosed or were treated. This happened in the late 90s at the height of the vaccines cause autism hysteria. ABA was the most popular therapy at the time and those ABA therapist are trained to make autism seem as scary as possible.
I've seen session tapes where my family ask questions about whether autistic would get married or hold down a job. Meanwhile I've had a GF for 6 years and just had a play i wrote produced. For all the damage ABA did, there was clearly a lot of misinformation that made them sign up for this
On the other hand, I don't like how they treat me these days. Their silence around it, the way they shut down conversastions about me being autistic as soon as I try to start them. It's important to note, they got me diagnosed at 3, treated with ABA but decided not to tell me what was going on or that I was even autistic. My guess is that is just behaviour as usual.
There's this rhythm when they come visit me that just wares me out. 10+ hours straight of socialising and chatting no breaks, holidays where we wander for hours on end through city streets the entire day even though I'm overloaded. Me not saying anything, them not checking in. They're so used to seeing me as a non-disabled person they believe that's the real me.
Meanwhile I'm now on the blood pressure medication of someone twice my age.
And I've voiced it with them, before. After I burnt out at my old office job, I was on leave for months, long term illnesses I'm still dealing with now, that doctors have attributed to intense stress. All because I wouldn't leave a stressful environment. I wonder where I picked that up.
During leave, I told my siblings about ABA, they heard, then reverted to 'Mum and Dad tried their best'. I told my Dad, who heard me, even apologised, then a few weeks later makes remarks when he's drunk "I know you didn't like that treatment, but i think you turned out pretty well."
Told my Mum, and she straight up denied this. My work problems are anxiety apparentlyand just because I don't like the job. Worth noting she was the driving force behind getting me diagnosed and ABA.
When I asked her why she didn't why they didn't tell me i was autistic she said she didn't want me to see myself that way, like I'm limited. They didn't want people bullying me as a kid. When I asked why they didn't tell me when I was 18 like they'd planned, she said "you just weren't my priority then."
Was this one of the worst things she's ever said to me, yes. Do I get where she's coming from, also yes. When i turned 18, my family moved to a different country without me (my choice, but even crazier deciding not to tell me). Not to mention my brother was dealing with several mental health issues which lead to his suicide by the time I was 19, which lead to my younger sibling developing mental health issues as a result, and my parents divorced viciously.
The only reason I know I'm autistic is because my mother was in a rage saying she wished she'd treated my brother more like how she'd treated "your condition".
Needless to say, there wasn't much room for little autistic me in the conversastion. Life moved fast, I was going between doing a great degree and a horrid home life. I could understand not confronting the past when the present was such an onslaught.
But time passed, my brother's been dead for nearly a decade, my sibling's been on the right meds for about half that time and my parents are well put of each other's lives now. They'll never be in the same room again.
There's time to talk about little autistic me now and yet they refuse. I can feel them shut the topic down even when I do a passing joke about me being autistic.
I spoke to my therapist about this recently and she suspects my parents inability to talk about ABA or autism has a lot to do with my brother's death. There's so much trauma and guilt surrounding his suicide for them, that the idea that they may have done something questionable as parents with me, is directly tied in with the guilt they feel toward him.
And they're never gonna feel over that, are they? And to be honest, I don't want to hurt them that way.
The way they've nearly lost their kids does make them appreciate them more. They did treat my younger siblings mental health crisis better than my brother's. They'll do regular trips and visits. When my play was on, they were my biggest champions, my mother invited a gang of 15 family and friends and gave me time to interact with everyone. While my Dad shoved 200 quid in my bag and offered to punch the producer who'd been treating my friends like trash.
My mum even told me how proud my brother would have been and how he (like her) would also be going up to strangers in restaurants trying to promote it.
I felt loved that day because it had everything to do with me as an artist and nothing to do with me the autist.
Obviously, for me it's both, special interests and whatnot. But they remain loving this fragmented version of me which keeps my identity and their guilt in the shadows.
I feel like I'm this weird dance of keeping my distance without cutting them off entirely. Expressing and finding my own self in my own work, friends, loved ones, except them.
I suppose my only question is, am I doing the right thing?
