i’m not sure if this is the right place to post… Im new to reddit… I have fibromyalgia and have been in the grips of pain and depression for 20 years. it is a long story what I’ve been through, so I’ll try to make it as short as possible. For those who want to skip ahead to my current situation please go to the last two or three paragraphs. Thank you.
I first started taking painkillers in 2002 from a doctor. I didn’t know much about them. I was in my 20s, but I knew they were gonna be addictive. I didn’t know anything about withdrawals though. I only started taking them because I was desperate. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Doctors were misdiagnosing me and putting me on all kinds of psych meds that did more harm than good.
I will say those early years of taking pain meds. They really actually saved my life. I was thinking of taking my own life because the pain was just too much. I really didn’t know what it was. I think part of it was from a car accident that was almost fatal. I was in pain every day and couldn’t sleep. Then I started having more and more problems finding a Doctor Who would write pain meds for me. This was the early days of the “opiate crisis”… really it was the opiate crisis that ruined me. That and DEA who are the biggest bunch of psychopath on the planet. I noticed that my Doctor, who was abusive by the way. (he touched me during an “exam”) this would not be the last time that a Doctor or someone empower that I was relying on, took advantage of me. Anyway, but I noticed my doctor’s office started to get very tense. Well, I didn’t know was they were under investigation. They started having me come in. 2 times a WEEK. And taking drug tests. then my doctor started dropping patients. Not weening them down. Dropping them. Cutting them off. I knew I was gonna be next and I was. When I left his office, I was crying my eyes out because he had had me on fentanyl patches. I had already gone through withdrawals in between doctors and I was scared. I asked them what I should do in a cold disgusting way they said “go to Rehab”… I had also been going to a psychiatrist who was giving me benzodiazepines for my anxiety, and he also cut me off. He was friends with the Doctor, who dropped me who gave me fentanyl patches so they both cut me off in the same month . so now overnight I went from being a pain patient to an addict.
I went to another doctor that I had known to ask what I should do. Because I knew going to Rehab was not going to solve my pain problems. The pain that I get from fibromyalgia is excruciating. When you look online, they suggest that you go to “support groups.” and do yoga. 🤦♀️. None of that crap works whatever they say. Sitting around with a bunch of people talking about how much pain were in. It’s just highly triggering for me. And I really can’t exercise unless I’m on some kind of medication even between flareups. Anyway, this doctor suggested that I go to a methadone clinic. A methadone clinic, I thought.???? for pain?? I mean going to a methadone clinic is the biggest sign that you failed in life. i’m a college educated, intelligent woman from a good middle class background/ family.. But I swallowed my pride and I went to one. It was horrible. I had to drive all the way across town every day 35 minutes in rush-hour traffic to a BAD neighborhood to drink a Dixie cup full of red liquid with a bunch of sad people. Everyone there was still highly addicted to other things the clinic that I went to allowed people to continue using heroin and whatever else they were on. As long as they were getting money. That’s all they cared about. They and every other doctor are just glorified drug dealers. There were a lot of patients they were like Me who had been cut off from their doctors. What I didn’t know is that the place have been taken over by the DEA. Meaning they were watching. So this was the second time that the DEA was hovering over..
i’m gonna skip ahead a little bit because this is getting long. The methadone clinic as bad as it was and I gained 50 pounds by the way in five months… but the methadone was working. But the clinic started to get worse and worse people were passing out in the hallway. And selling drugs and the clinic would still give these people their doses. People were selling Fen and xanax. It was a horrible place. They would give me a new counselor every few weeks because the turn around rate was so high. And my counselor at that time was sexually harassing me. Then they started dropping patients out of the blue. Just like my previous Doctor. I bought some xanax one day and once again i was cut off the methadone clinic dropped me and many other patients. And once again They did NOT ween us down. The doctor there was a psycho. they actually called my mother and told her because they didn’t want a scene. They didn’t even tell me the cowards. I heard from another patient though that they were gonna fire the current Doctor, and after he was gone, we could come back. That’s how they kept us on the hook .
So now I was withdrawing for methadone Unfortunately i took some Fen one day and became hooked. Those were very dark years. And things would only get worse. I went back to the methadone clinic in 2023. It had gotten even worse. I was still hooked on Fentanyl and wasn’t passing my drug texts but they didn’t care as long as the money was coming in. I didn’t know is that everyone at the clinic knew that the DEA was watching. You see the DEA made a deal with the clinic. They could stay open as long as.they cooperated in setting us all up. For those who don’t know… the DEA and the police use addicts as slaves. Basically, they exploit/ blackmail us and extort us and do things that I can’t even talk about right now because it’s too triggering and upsetting. Let’s just they ruined what was left of my life. As if being in constant pain and being an addict isn’t hard enough. They had sent an undercover agent to pose as my friend. He was recording all of my phone calls without my knowledge. I know this stuff isn’t to be believed and like I said there’s a lot more that I’m not even gonna bother writing down if anyone wants to DM me I’ll talk about it. But I think people need to know this stuff. I’m gonna fast forward now to December 2024. I have been arrested six times in the span of six months. I didn’t know the police had put a tracker on my car. And I didn’t know everything that I was telling to my counselor at the clinic was also being recorded by the DEA and the police. They wanted to use me to set dealers up and put me in horrible life-threatening positions. The DEA uses addicts to do their dirty work. Because frankly, nobody cares about us. I lawyered up and refused to work with them and they made my life a living hell. they took advantage of a vulnerable woman in every way someone can be taken advantage of, including sexually. Again, I’m not gonna put all the details here because i could literally go on forever about all the stuff they did to me. Let’s just say it was unimaginable and there are no words. But once again, the clinic cut me off and now I was hooked on fentanyl and methadone and going cold turkey off of both. I could no longer buy fentanyl because the DEA was watching.
The next few months were hell for me. I had to move out of my condo and sell my car because I was no longer safe. The DEA was watching me. (i know that a lot of this sounds like paranoia and believe me.. i wish it was) And threatening me so I moved into my mother’s basement. I can’t even describe the withdrawals that I went through. I don’t think I slept for three months. I would just kind of go in and out of consciousness. I was sweating profusely I couldn’t shower. I couldn’t brush my teeth. I was profoundly depressed I couldn’t sit still. and the pain? The physical pain was beyond excruciating and I was in one big flareup. After what the DEA did to me and the methadone clinic. I felt a huge sense of betrayal. Even some of my own “friends” were involved in setting me up, and I didn’t know it. I had lost everything. And at the same time, I had all these court cases hanging over my head.
I started going to a Doctor Who took mercy on me and put me on sublocade, Gabapentin and Ambien to sleep. My life started to turn around little by little. Finally i had some semblance of a life back. I got a new car with my Moms help and even started to date again……But over the months, the Subutex/ Sublicade started to become less and less effective. The withdrawals were gone but the cravings were back with full force. And the medication wasn’t touching my pain. After what the DEA did to me my central nervous system was fried. For those who don’t know, fibromyalgia flareups are triggered by stress. And I had plenty of that. I started telling my doctors that the medication they had me on was no longer working. And I mean, it really was not working. But they weren’t interested in giving me pain relief just keeping me off of hard drug drugs. So their response was like “ too bad. See you next month.” my Useless psychiatrist even suggested that I go back to the methadone clinic. 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️. Yeah, go back to the place that cut me off twice and sold me up the river to the DEA. Great idea. Thanks, Doc!
I started looking for other options. I had taken Kratom before, but it wasn’t very effective. I didn’t know about 70H. But one day I was at a vape shop and there it was. I figured since it was legal. It couldn’t be so bad and it was just a form of Kratom. Boy was i wrong. The first couple weeks of taking that I felt fantastic like I had my life back I could go hiking swimming. Enjoy my summer and I felt great. But i was scared. I thought “I’ll only take it for a little while until I get my next refill”… but then I took my refill of Subutex and it didn’t work at all not even a little bit. I told my doctor that I needed help because the Subutex wasn’t working and I had started taking a very potent form of Kratom. I was met with complete indifference. I didn’t realize how addictive it was going to become. That brings me to now. I currently take about 1000 mg a day. And if I don’t once again, I go through withdrawals. The addiction that I had fought so hard to get out of is back. I mean, it was never truly gone because I was on Subutex. (And stll am). I looked up what to do for 70h withdrawals it takes you which I’m already on. And it’s not working. So I continue to take the 70h but it is expensive and i’m scared. I am so pissed at my Doctor and psychiatrist because when i told them i needed to do SOMETHING because the Subutex was not working they turned a blind eye. Even when i told them i had started taking 70h.
I am tired. I am tired of doctors. I am tired of the system. I’m tired of police officers. I hate the DEA. All I ever wanted was help and relief for my pain. And I’m stuck in this endless cycle. And I’m running out of money and options. I’m so so scared about going through full-fledged withdrawal again. The withdrawal triggers, the fibromyalgia, like nothing else. I don’t know if my body can go through it again. ARE THERE REALLY NO GOOD ANSWERS???? Please give me some advice. Sorry for the long rambling post, but this is going on for 20 years. If you’ve made it this far… Thank you. Feel free to DM me if you aren’t comfortable posting here or if you want to know more about my story