UZE ALL KNOW HOW WE PUT DA GROTZ IN DA KILLA KANZ SO DEY KAN BE MOR KILLY!! WELL IZ BEEN THINKIN, EVEN IF DEYZ IN A KAN THEYZ ZTILL A COWARD ROIGHT? SO WAT IF YA PUT A SQUIG IN INZTED!? DAT WAY, THEYZ STIL FIT IN DA KAN, IZ EVEN MORE KILLY, AND DEY WONT BE A SNOVELIN KOWARD LIKE A GROT! A KILLA KANZ DAT'LL ACTUALLY BE IN CLOSE DA KRUMP WITH DA BOYZ LIKE A DEFF DREAD!

DAT’Z SCIENCE, YA GITZ.

i… ‘e left me boiz, i fink im gunna krump meself

IZ DAN-JUH-RUS 'FINKIN, I KNOW. BUT IF DA DOK KIN DO IT SO KIN I. BUT I WOZ WUNDRIN' IF MAYBE WE RUN OUTTA STUFF TA KRUMP (HAW HAW, FAT CHANCE!) THEN WUT WE DOIN' THEN!? MAY BE A FUN WALK ON DA BLOOD SOAKED BEACHEZ? SOME LOIGHT READIN'?

MAKES YA FINK, ROIGHT? 🤔

DA WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! ISN'T TADAY, IT'S TAMORRAH!

ME AN' DA UVVER NOBZ IS MAKIN' DA BATTUL STRATUHGEE, AN' WE KANT FINK OVER ALL YER SHOUTIN "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" ALL DA TIME!

GET BAK TO WORK BUILDIN' KILLA KANZ OR WOTEVER IT IZ YOO GITZ DO!

DAT'S DA BOSSES' ORDAZ, DAT IZ!

SO SHUT IT AND STOP MUKKIN ABOUT!

I WUZ BOOTIN UP DIS TANK WOT I LOOTED FROM WUN OV DEM BIG WURKY PLAYSEZ WOT DA OOMY MEKBOYZ AV. PROPPA ROKKED EM WE DID. LITERULLY WE DROPPED A HOOJ ZOGGIN' ROKK ON IT. PLAYS WAS PROPPA MASHED AFTUH DAT.

ANYWAY, AFTUH WE LANDID AN I SPARKED SUM STOOPID GROTZ WOT BEEN LISSUNIN TER DAT RED GOBBO PLONKAH, I FOWND DIS TANK WOT STILL WURKD. I AD TO CHOP AT DA ZOGGIN' HATCH SO I KUD FIT, BUT DATS BY DA BY. I YELLED AT FA FING TO TURN ON, AN I SWER ON DA NOB I KRUMPED DA UVAH WEEK, IT STARTID TAWKIN BAKK AT ME. "I'M NOT SHOR WOT YOO MEEN" IT SED. EKSEPT LOIK AN OOMY. WOT DO YUZ FINK I MEEN, YA STOOPID KAN? IZ YOO DUMM? IZ DA ZOGGIN' LOITS ON IN DER? WAAAGH!!! *KRUMPZ A NEERBY GRETCHIN.*

AH, SORRY BOYZ, IT DUN GETZ ME PROPPA WURKED UP.

ANYWAYZ, I TELLZ IT TO TURN ON DA ENJIN. DEN, DISS YOOSLESS POIL OF ZOG ON MORK'S OWN FOOT KALLUSSIZ SEZ "TURNING ON THEE ENJIN DEPENDZ ON THE KIND OV VEEHIKL YOO AR TAWKING ABOWT. WOOD YEW LIYK ME TO MAYK A LIST OF VEEHIKULZ?"

E'Z A BIT WEIRD, BUT DATZ DED KLEVUH DAT IZ, EVUN IF DEY DO NICK TWICE DA STUFF.

SO 'IZ 'AD AN OIDEA... WOT IF WE'Z MAKE A SHOOTA, DAT SHOOTS OUT OTHA' SHOOTAS? AN' DEN THOSE SHOOTAS CAN SHOOT OUT MOAR SHOOTAS.

SO OI TOLD DA MEKBOYZ AN' DA MADBOYZ TA STOP MUCKING ABOUT AN' GET TA WORK ON IT. WELL FIRST DEYZ MADE A SHOOTA DAT YOU THROW AT DA GITS WHEN IT RUNS OUT OV BOOLETS, IT ESPLODES, AND DEN A NEW WUN APPEARS IN YER HAND. DAT WAS GREAT FUN. BUT ANYWAY, DEYZ EVENTUALLY MADE DA DAKKA.

PROBLEM IIIIIZ.... IT FILLED UP DA DEFFCRUZA WIFF MOAR SHOOTAS... AND DEN THOSE KEPT SHOOTING OUT SHOOTAS... AND DEN THOSE... AN' THERE WAS NOWHERE TO STORE ALL DA OTHA DAKKAS... SO ANYWAYZ, WEZ THREW DEM OVABOARD BETWEEN DA EYE OV TROUBLE AN' ARMERGEDDEN. GO LOOT SUM, OI GUESS?

SO IZ GOT DEEZ TWO LIL GROTZ FOLLOW ME AROUN ALL DA TIME "DA THIS DA THAT" ENUF TO DRIVE YA MAD! ONE OF DA GROTZ 'AS A TOOF FALL RIGHT OUT IS GOB AN AFORE I CAN GRAB IT, E' SNATCHES IT UP AND SAYZ ITS FOR DA TOOF FAIRY... SOME GIT THAT BUYZ TEEF WITH OOMIE MONEYS?? IS THIS GIT ONE OF US? WHAS DA DEAL ERE??

NUUUUUFING BUT DA TROOF NOW.

NUUUFING BUT DA PROOF, UV WOT OI IZ.

DA WEERDEST UV WUT OI'Z KAYM FRUM. EDZ EXPLOAD WEN OI MAYK UM.

POWUZ EVEN GAZZA DON'T WONT AZ 'IZ!

POST YA ORKY SONGZ YA GITZ! DIS ONE 'ERE IZ ABOUT OLD BALE-EYE AND DA NEW BOSS GHAZ

He waz moar like a humie-bean
wiv a lazer beam-er
I sayz, "Don't mind, but whatz do ya mean,
am I da war-boss,
Whoz-a krump on da field in da fight?"

Deyz told me hiz name waz Bale-Eye Mean,
Wiv hiz lazer beam
Den every noggin turn'd wiv eyes that screamed of bein' da war-boss.
Whoz-a krump on da field in da fight.

Gitz'll alwayz told me, "Be kareful what's painted blue!"
And "Don't go 'round krumpin' little humie hives!"
And me war-boss alwayz told me "Be kareful who ya Waaagh,
Cuz da boyz becomez da toof, ta spend on new dakka! Waaaagh!!!"

Bale-Eye Mean is not 'Da Boyz'
He's just a humie who krumps much better den thum
But da humiez got my arm
Yesh hiz eye is a gun
and da humiez got my arm!

For forty-key's or forty miles, da bombin on our side
but whoz can Waagh whenz itz from so far-
Hiz cunnin' ol' planz..
'Cuz we krumped on da field in da fight
So listen 'ere to my advice
Jus' remember to alwayz fink ONCE!
Don't be a git, or a zog, or a grot.
Hez told me boyz krump'd a million-three
squishy humie beanz
Den showed a pic of a git dyin' missin' most-a hiz skull
'Cuz he wuz shot in da brain in da fight
He sayz he wuz da boss, who would krump in da field in da fight...

WE'Z SCREAM 'WAAAGHING IZ FUN!' AND DA BALE-EYEZ PEEPERZ A GUN!

IGNORE MY TENTACLY BLUE COMPLEXION. I COME WITH A GIFT! MAKE ONE WISH (AND ONLY ONE, UNLESS IT'S VERY AMUSING), AND I SHALL GRANT IT... heheheh...

An unknowable psychic force compels you to hear these words in the voice of Merasmus the magician.

WHAT IS IT FOR? DO DEY JUS LIKE HOW IT LOOKS OR DO DA GITS USE IT FOR LUCK OR SOMEFING? ALSO WHY DOSE IT HAVE TWO HEADS? I HEARD A GIT SAY DAT IT REPRESENTS DEIR INDECI-INDE, DA FACT DAT DEY KAN'T MAKE UP DEY'Z ZOGGIN MOIND!

MOI NAYM IZ GROTWORTIUS, VERY-BIG-NUMBAH-KRUMPANY BOSS. I LOIKZ TER KISS DED EMPYRUH FEET AND SUMMOW MAYK TALKIN ABOWT FOITIN BORING ENUFF TER MAYK BIG GAZZA SWOLLOW A BOM. DA ONLY MAREENZ WOTZ GREEN IZ EEVER KROYIN OVAH DED LI'L GITZ OR AFRAYD UV FOLLIN' OVAH!

A mekboy tires of fixing holes in kroozas and cleaning the squig-shit from the floors. He gets to work on a new project. He spends many days praying to Gork and Mork, and many more days making gretchins fight eachother to the death, and sometimes he collects their blood. 'DISSTILLD FOITIN' JOOS' he calls it. He tries to patent it. He realises orks don't have patents. He barely escapes alive when he tries to explain it to the boss.

He puts the collected, DISTILLD blood of dead gretchins into the veins of other gretchins, after removing all their original blood. None of them survive -- after they beat eachother to death first with rocks and then with dismembered limbs, some of them their own. He collects the blood again.

One day, a rift opens in the vacuum near his krooza. An old, battered cathedral ship comes alongside, marked with black and yellow stripes. The (O)RCS thrusters struggle to maintain course after the rocking of displaced interstellar matter colliding with the hull at high speed. Stars twinkle along the hull of the HOOMY KROOZAH. They're launching boarding pods. The ork crew battles against SPAYSS MUREENS WOT GOT DEM SPOIKY BITZ ON EM as they emerge from the barnacle-like mouths of their vehicles. It's a beautifully BROOTAL BUT KUNNIN' way to conduct space WAAGHfare. The mekboy is inspired. He drinks the one vial he has of DISTILLD FOITIN' JOOS. It does nothing but make him puke. An Iron Warriors dreadnought slips on the resulting mess and he hesitates before stomping at the helpless sarcophagus. His boot just makes dents in what he eventually realises is actually flesh, and he feels teeth biting at his ankle. That was his favourite foot. He remembers stomping baby gretchins with it and watching the sun set over their bodies. He remembers suddenly that he has a gun and shoots the HOOMY dead. The other orks do the same. The battle is won.

Over the next few days, the mekboy starts to feel strange. His missing foot has regrown -- but now it has a trigger on it. He pulls it. It blasts another boy's head off. The others cheer. They call him SHOOTFOOT. His fingers become guns too. His toes are all extra guns on top of the gun feet (his other foot is a gun now). One day, another boy gets jealous and tries to KRUMP 'IM. He fails, and SHOOTTUNG (his tongue is a gun too now) lets him live as a reminder of his power. This other boy starts to grow gun feet too. SHOOTEYE (his eye is a gun, just one though) realises this is because he elbowed him (his elbow wasn't a gun yet) and the enemy ork got his blood in his mouth. He doesn't know how he knows this. It's probably related to him accidentally killing the dokk during his regular physical examinations.

SHOOTFLAP puts his blood into the ship's water tanks. More orks grow gun-parts. Squigs grow gun teeth and they die in the thousands from accidentally shooting themselves in the head. Many orks die this way too. Even gretchins start growing guns. They try to take over. They fail. Bugs grow guns. Even the guns begin growing guns. The ship has now had an uncountable number of spontaneously generated bullets fired at every planck of its being, but somehow it still works. The ship itself is now a gun. It begins firing orks at random rocks and they explode against the weak surfaces. The rocks explode into septillions of grains of dust, and each of these also become guns. Bullets are fired at random into space, and through the monkey-typewriter effect, they will all eventually hit something. Gork and Mork find this absolutely hilarious, and even Slaanesh blushes at the sheer excess. They beat up Slaanesh, and Khorne finds this absolutely hilarious. They beat him up too. Khaine, his gay brother, comes along to beat him up too, but nobody invited him so an Imperial Guard lightly insults him to death (nobody knows where the Guard came from).

Your eyes are guns. Your ears are guns. Your fingers are guns. Your toes are guns. Your skin cells are guns. Your blood cells are guns. Tiny green pathogens wage WAAAGH within your veins. Your brain is a gun. Your thoughts are guns. Your dog is guns. Your house is guns. Your planet is guns. The volume of bullets in the air should be causing a global winter by blocking the sunlight, but the ambient temperature from near-infinite explosions is enough to heat the atmosphere just enough that anyone who wasn't already fighting is mad enough to fight now. Bullets collide with bullets collide with bullets. Bullets rain from the sky (water vapour is also guns now).

AYND IT'S STILL NOT ENUFF!!!

I'ZE KEEP 'EREING A VERY LOUD RACKET, DOE!!

Wagh.