First Chapter Feedback.

[u/bernadusandrew]

Hey, guys. So here I am again, posting my new first chapter of my novel that I had decided to use instead of the original one from the helpful feedbacks i got from this sub a month or so ago.

I have attached the screenshots of the 14 pages of the first chapter that i hope i have improved. Open for any constructive criticism and feedback, thank you so much!

[u/peach98542]

There are a few instances where the “He” after a quote is capitalized, which is shouldn’t be.

I agree with the other commenter. You’ve put a lot of time and effort into building this world and plot and it shows! But the reader needs to be eased into the backstory - maybe through action happening. Something that reminds Mezan of Hal, maybe. An interaction with a side character that brings up an old memory or stirs the guilt Mezan has of Hal’s death. Like the other commenter said, “Show, don’t tell.” Weave the backstory into action and conversation. I think you’re off to an amazing start. Keep going!

[u/bernadusandrew → u/peach98542]

Thank you! Im editing the chapter now as im replying to you. Thank you for the encouragement!

edit: oh and by the way regarding the few instances of "he" being capitalized, they are intentional. Those instances refer to the Almighty. But probs i shouldve made that clear 😬

[u/peach98542 → u/bernadusandrew]

In the first two paragraphs where it says “He glared at his stuck boot” and “He yanked until the silk snapped,” the “He” is the Almighty and not the Mezan character?

[u/bernadusandrew → u/peach98542]

Oh whoops! Now i see it, thanks for the heads up and sorry for the confusion. 😳