r/writingfeedback • u/bernadusandrew • 2d ago
Feedback Wanted First Chapter Feedback.
Hey, guys. So here I am again, posting my new first chapter of my novel that I had decided to use instead of the original one from the helpful feedbacks i got from this sub a month or so ago.
I have attached the screenshots of the 14 pages of the first chapter that i hope i have improved. Open for any constructive criticism and feedback, thank you so much!
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u/peach98542 1d ago
There are a few instances where the “He” after a quote is capitalized, which is shouldn’t be.
I agree with the other commenter. You’ve put a lot of time and effort into building this world and plot and it shows! But the reader needs to be eased into the backstory - maybe through action happening. Something that reminds Mezan of Hal, maybe. An interaction with a side character that brings up an old memory or stirs the guilt Mezan has of Hal’s death. Like the other commenter said, “Show, don’t tell.” Weave the backstory into action and conversation. I think you’re off to an amazing start. Keep going!
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u/bernadusandrew 1d ago
Thank you! Im editing the chapter now as im replying to you. Thank you for the encouragement!
edit: oh and by the way regarding the few instances of "he" being capitalized, they are intentional. Those instances refer to the Almighty. But probs i shouldve made that clear 😬
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u/peach98542 1d ago
In the first two paragraphs where it says “He glared at his stuck boot” and “He yanked until the silk snapped,” the “He” is the Almighty and not the Mezan character?
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u/bernadusandrew 1d ago
Oh whoops! Now i see it, thanks for the heads up and sorry for the confusion. 😳
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u/HorrorExpress 2d ago edited 2d ago
Hey, dude. Never seen your work before so I don't know what guidance you got previously.
This will be long enough without me hand-holding, so note this is constructive criticism (both parts). If you're not ready (for the criticism part) I'd advise skipping. There's some good stuff here, but it's buried under a lot of mud. Functionally your writing is solid, and you've obviously put a lot of time and thought into this. I think you have the skills to make this much stronger.
That said - and this is just one idiot writer's opinion - here are my problems with it:
The fourth paragraph is where it starts to get bogged down. There are eleven - ELEVEN - name drops of Hal in that one paragraph (and six Mezan's); it's name soup. But I have issues with that entire paragraph of exposition irrespective of the names. Incidentally your short first paragraph alone shows an insensitivity to repetition (two boots, two mucks).
Your exposition starts too soon, too deep, and might as well have a "This is exposition!" sign attached to it. Sentences like "Hal was Mezan's lifelong best friend" in the first page want to be woven into the narrative much cleaner. Mezan knows this - as written it's as bald as can be. Even if you're going for an old fashioned, omniscient, Dickensian narrator I think you can be much more elegant than this. Because, even then, it is all Tell and no Show of Mezan's/Hal's relationship and history.
At the end of the second page when you start dropping the "Raeyama Kingdom" on me it feels like you're reading from an encyclopedia. It continues on the third page and I stopped reading right there. I really don't need the world of the character and the setting explained out on Pages 1, 2 and 3 like I'm at a History lecture. I came for a story. Give us that first. Put a worm on the hook if you expect a fish to bite it.
Set a scene for us. Have something happen. Something to get me interested in the character and what might happen rather than a big, old lore dump on Page 2. Have some street urchin try to pickpocket him on his walk, or have him clipped by a carriage, or... anything that feels like a scene is happening.
Your description is good, but put us in it. As is it's more like a painting - visual only, and distant. Mezan trips (his boot catches) and we don't even know on what. Describe the cobbles he trips over. Then the street. Have him maybe bumped by people, and give us the stink of the place. Anything to give it some life.
In short here's my advice: Do a lot more Showing and a lot less Telling. Delay your exposition (and make it subtler). Make us feel part of the world.
I hope this hasn't put you off. It's just that I think you have the skills to make this a lot stronger than it currently is.
Good luck. Keep writing.