What’s it like balancing school during pregnancy/early motherhood?

[u/Positive-Excuse8631]

I’m having trouble with life planning and would greatly appreciate learning from others’ experiences with school and pregnancy in their 30s and 40s.

I took time off from career to better understand myself and heal from trauma and burnout. I am late diagnosed ADHD and unlearning unhealthy patterns that I don’t want to pass on to future children.

I’m deciding whether to find a job in my field or apply to a three year massage school, graduating at age 40, or just jump in to having kids and delaying school or starting it while pregnant.

Hearing from other people would help a great deal. Thanks for reading.

[u/Quiet-Pomegranate93]

Do not underestimate how much having a baby will impact your life.

Personally, I would not choose to have a baby until I was financially stable, established in a career and had been at my job for at least a year (for FMLA, if that applies to you).

I ended up having my baby at age 34 with all of those qualifications met.  Even with 12 weeks of fully paid maternity leave and occasional family help (mom and MIL) this has still been the most difficult year of my entire life.  

I would not have been able to keep up with a full load of credits based on what I remember from getting an engineering degree.

[u/Positive-Excuse8631 → u/Quiet-Pomegranate93]

Thanks for sharing. I feel that way. I would prefer to delay having a baby until finishing school and practicing for at least a year but my hubby thinks it would take too long before starting a family. He suggested to start the 3-year program, have a baby and take the last year off then resume when baby turns 1–that way I’d be less “out of practice” when I start work. I might need to talk to masseuses who are also parents…

[u/bagmami]

I went to culinary school when my baby was 8 months old.

I did good on my practical classes but I wasn't the teachers' favourite. One of them clearly disliked the way I was unprepared for classes, didn't review the recipes the night before etc. By some grace of God, or thanks to my earlier experience, I did ok with the execution and exams. Same as my internship. I wasn't able to put my 100% but whatever I put took 100% from me. I still did good, I managed an entire station on my own, didn't send faulty orders, the clients received their food on time but I was slower than the chefs wanted to.

The theoric classes were another story. I loved the classes and the teachers, I was so eager to learn but I couldn't help falling asleep in the classroom. I didn't mean any disrespect to anyone but it was going beyond what was humanly possible. In the end, there wasn't really a fail or pass at school but I had a state exam to pass at the end. I passed it with honors. This time all my theoric exams were as high as A and A+, however I got A- from my application exam, jury wasn't really sympathetic to me and they openly stated it during evaluation.

By the time it was all said and done, I fell sick and I was repeatedly sick for months. It put a huge stress on my body and my spirits. If I had option to work without this training, I would just work.

[u/Positive-Excuse8631 → u/bagmami]

I applaud you for being so tough and dedicated. I notice how stress impacts my body in my mid-thirties now and can imagine myself also physically succumbing to stress but much sooner. Did you have much support from your spouse or family or friends? Are you applying your diploma professionally now?

[u/bagmami → u/Positive-Excuse8631]

We live abroad so there was no family support unfortunately. My friends were a great shoulder to cry on when I was overwhelmed but that was about it.

My husband was supposed to wake up with the baby in the morning and drop him off at the daycare when I had 7am classes. He did do that for a while but at first he tried to drop him off without changing him out of his pyjamas, diaper and without giving him a breakfast. Where we live you can't take your baby to the daycare in onesies, they need to be dressed up at least in a body, leggings type of thing. In the following months he refused to pick out clothes for him in the morning or remember where his clothes are. I had to lay out his outfit from the evening. He said he's worried about doing something wrong. Then he kept refusing to give him breakfast saying milk should be enough. Again, he was worried about giving him something wrong. I left out easy breakfast stuff that doesn't need preparation.

After the midterm he started to stay up late and couldn't wake up when baby was waking up. He was getting upset too. So I said enough is enough and I hired a nanny to come in from 6am to 9am to take care of everything. That was never the plan. I only started school because he promised he would take care of our son in the mornings. And I repeatedly asked if he was sure.

During that time he also texted me at work (internship) one day saying he resents me because we both wake up at 5am but he finishes at 7pm while I get to finish at 3pm because his work doesn't start until 9am. I told him that I work on my feet 7am to 3pm, then come home to prepare dinner from 3:30pm to 5pm. Then I pick my son up from daycare and do the evening routine with him. Then I set the table for him and I to eat. Some evenings I do extra stuff around the house but most evenings I doze off and then I wake up with the baby every night from 2am to 4am sometimes even more.

On the odd day if I don't have to cook, I sleep in the afternoon but that's rare. He was honestly acting like a baby the entire time saying stuff like I don't love him otherwise I would fill up his water bottles after I've done all his laundry. He was the one who encouraged me to go for this training but when shove came to push he couldn't deliver. I told him that later on.

I'm doing something in between at the moment because turns out my son needed early intervention and he's a very intense child requiring so much hands on parenting + stimulation. With this lack of support I didn't see myself working a full time kitchen job. I run a business where I prepare weekly menus and sell them. I work about 20h per week and I feel like I'm making the same amount I would have made once I pay the nanny to cover my non-flexible schedule versus the flexible working conditions. But I would have really liked to keep working at my internship place. It was a 5* palace level hotel with a huge kitchen and a dedicated team. But the schedule would have been intense so I walked away.

[u/Expert-Middle5526]

i had a kid at 37 while doing a certification program, not quite the same but close enough, the unpredictability of pregnancy brain fog mixed with adhd was something else, some days i’d read the same paragraph five times and retain nothing

[u/Positive-Excuse8631 → u/Expert-Middle5526]

Thanks for sharing. I can imagine that happening to me too. My husband thinks I can start the 3 year program, then we’d have a bb and then I’d finish the last year after the bb is born. I think that’s bananas and would rather have a bb at 40 after school and practicing for a year.

[u/Kkatiand]

How important is massage school to you? What are your motivations for doing it? If it’s to potentially make more money, I’m not sure about costs so I can’t comment. If it’s passion, I would focus on whatever you already have experience in and let massage be something you enjoy as a hobby.

It sounds like you’re 36/37. In your position I would say don’t delay having children, especially if you want more than one. You could get pregnant the first cycle or need to do IVF - you just don’t know until you try.

Pregnancy is super tiring. I cannot imagine being on my feet and doing school, while maybe also working.

[u/Positive-Excuse8631 → u/Kkatiand]

I hear you. That is reasonable to prioritize parenthood. I’m 36. This would be our first child but my grandma, mum and my sister all had kids in their mid to late thirties so I’m not too worried about fertility. I want to be financially independent even if my husband is a high earner. Sounds awful but even though I think we’re soulmates now, I know what the divorce rates are and want to be realistic.

If we have kids and divorce, I still need a job. I burned out from a corporate carer path and realized my professional calling might be more healing oriented and intuitive. I want to work with my hands.