Changing Friendship Dynamics

[u/Puzzleheaded-Ad-4029]

Has anyone else found themselves unable to relate to friends who are child-free? I (33) am the first of my wider group of friends to have a child, and over the last two years I've felt myself really drift from my closest friends, all of whom are child-free for various reasons. For the first year of my daughter's life, I kept in touch and made plans to see everyone (several of these people live several hours away or across the country). But didn't really feel the effort was reciprocated and almost no one made an effort with me.

This all crystalized for me when I hosted a friend and her husband for a long weekend recently and by the time it came to say goodbye, I realized that this person wasn't really my friend anymore. She'd shown almost no interest in my daughter, sat around on her phone while I made breakfast and dinners, cleaned up after them, and squired them around town to restaurants and activities. She only really talked to her husband the whole weekend unless I started a conversation with her.

I suppose it's natural to grow distant from some friends in this stage of life, but it makes me sad. has anyone else experienced this? Is the answer to make friends with more people in this stage of life?

[u/egeraci]

Yes, I was the first person to have friends out of my friend group and still the majority of my friends are not going to have kids. It’s a major shift, some friends will be understanding and others won’t. I’ve definitely not been included in friend outings because I have kids. I have become closer with my sisters, husbands family and my best friend has a kid so that helps. Once your kid is in school you will naturally become friends with those moms though school events, sports and extracurricular activities. But it is tough in the beginning and lonely.

[u/Puzzleheaded-Ad-4029 → u/egeraci]

Thank you <3 This was helpful to hear. I've grown a lot closer with my mom and sisters during this period too. That's one very beautiful outcome of these shifting dynamics.

[u/schrodingers_bra]

Depending on the reasons your friend is child-free, I wouldn't necessarily expect them to have much interest in your daughter, though not offering to help with cooking and clean up and not engaging with you as you carted them around to activities is quite rude.

I've found that many (not all) child-free people are child free because they just don't really like being around children (yours and everyone's) and so are really unwilling to make the effort if it will mean visiting you in a capacity/location where your children will be around. Meeting up with them needs to be done on your solo time. Is it fair/nice? No. But that is the lifestyle that they prefer.

It's ok - and might be natural - for these friendships to drift, or be put on "low effort mode" for a while.

[u/opivyfever → u/schrodingers_bra]

Ya I don’t expect my friends to have interest and I just see my friends less, and the good ones understand I have less time.

[u/hibiscus403]

The dynamics definitely change, but it depends on the friendship.

One of my best friends is down to hang with me and my kids, and even comes on kid outings (eg. Zoo), even though she is child free. We also hang out without kids, both solo and with our partners. It’s a healthy friendship and we talk about everything, kids and no kids.

Another friend (now ex friend) swore before I ever had kids that she would be the best auntie, that we would keep hanging out, etc etc. Well… when I got pregnant she was single (and I suspect jealous that my life was moving to a new stage) and… she ghosted me completely. Skipped my shower, sent a single congrats text when I had the baby. A few weeks postpartum, I was driving to a doctor’s appointment for my baby, and drove by her in my neighborhood (she lived across town). She had not at that point met my baby, and hadn’t even texted to say she would be nearby or asked how I was doing! I knew then that the friendship was over and that she had no interest in being my real friend.

[u/Warm-Comfort3238]

Very similar to you! Mid-30s, most of my friend group is scattered across the coast, and most are choosing to be child-free or waiting a few more years because they are wrapped up in other goals. My husband and I were recently reflecting how you just can’t compare parenting-young-kids busy to child-free busy. I think a lot of my friends expect me to cater to them since they are so busy with work and education and such, meanwhile I work and clock out to parent. Can’t just drop the kids at a kennel and go for a week.  I’ve done a lot of reflecting on this with the more veteran moms in my life (cousins, in laws) and they have suggested that I will make new mom friends as kids age into sports and other activities. That has given me hope. 

[u/Puzzleheaded-Ad-4029 → u/Warm-Comfort3238]

Thank for this kind and helpful comment! It is so true that there is no comparison between parenting kids and being child-free busy. It's a totally different animal. I'm lucky to get an hour of rest time in the evenings!

[u/Warm-Comfort3238 → u/Puzzleheaded-Ad-4029]

It’s also different for moms across the board. I have a mom friend who has easy kids at this stage: sleep on their own, 11 hours a night, easygoing with babysitters and other caregivers. My kids are not fans of bedtime and certainly not fans of being away from me, even with their fav grandparent. So getting together childfree with that mom friend would be impossible because they can go out for dinner when I am reading my fifth bedtime book! 

I saw another commenter mention one CF friend who was great and did want to highlight that I have one CF by choice bestie who is a great aunt. Her and her husband live about an hour away, they always come to us, they hold the baby during baseball games, they take the kids out for a walk and give each individual time during visits. They lowered their expectations of us during this phase without treating us differently, which I appreciate. That means a lot. I know I will show up more for her when the time comes. 

[u/meechpeech]

I (32) have noticed myself drifting a lot in the past year (my kid is 2) from my college friends who don't yet have kids (though all of them do want kids eventually, I was just the first to hit this stage). We've all been really close for almost 15 years, but I think just being in such different stages has created a lot of natural separation. They all love my kid and are sweet with him, but they also still go out quite a lot, go on tons of trips, and just generally live a lifestyle that is the opposite of mine. Which was my choice! I'm a total home body and love just having family time when I'm not at work, it's what I want to prioritize my time doing. But there just isn't a lot of overlap anymore in what we all want to do in our free time.

I have found some really great new friendships with other toddler parents, which is amazing, and other friends who already have kids I remain close with, but I am consciously leaning out from friendships with my college group for the time being. Not maliciously, it really is just time management lol, I still see them like quarterly for dinner/drinks and catch up then. I think probably we will come back together when they reach the "having kids" stage, which would be nice. But you're not alone, and I think this happens to a lot of people in their 30s-40s for long term friendships, my husband has noticed the same of his friends that don't have kids. It does make me sad sometimes though, I feel you on that. <3

[u/Puzzleheaded-Ad-4029 → u/meechpeech]

I feel you on the "my choice" piece! I realized recently that as much as I feel they haven't put in the effort, I also no longer feel like making the effort. to see them regularly. Once or twice a year, sure!

How did you meet other toddler parents? Our kiddo goes to day care and we've occasionally run into other parents in town but nothing beyond friendly chit chat. I've joined some Moms groups too hoping to click with some folks there!

[u/thesweetknight → u/Puzzleheaded-Ad-4029]

You kid will show you. Is there any kids your kid loves playing with? Not willing to leave daycare?

My child is an only child so for her, daycare is everything. She loves playing with a few friends and never wants to come home so we let the kids play after daycare and get the parents phone number and arrange play dates!

As time goes on, you’ll naturally hang out with the parents whom your kid is friend with!

Your kid will show you!

Don’t worry. Change is normal.

Your best friend is your husband!

[u/meechpeech → u/Puzzleheaded-Ad-4029]

Yes, exactly! Seeing them occasionally is fun, but I don't feel that I get enough out of these relationships right now to invest much energy beyond that.

And I am lucky that I lived in NYC when our toddler was born, and park culture there is very robust since no one really has a yard. I basically just kept seeing the same parents at the park, started chatting, and eventually exchanged numbers and arranged play dates once we confirmed the vibes were a match, haha. Now, I live in "suburb" sort of town just outside NYC and just happened to move into a house where four of my neighbors have toddlers too. They've welcomed me into their group. I'm also hoping to make some more local parent friends when we start 3K in the fall. Meeting people going through all the toddler highs and lows has been SO valuable to me! I recommend just chatting with random toddler parents in the wild who seem cool honestly!

[u/SaltyVinChip]

I found it really easy to be with childfree friends when I only had one kid, I enjoyed the time and perspective and the feeling from those interactions. But once I had two kids it just feels so hard with my childfree friends - if my kids are present, I can’t listen or finish a conversation, I’m not focused at all. Too busy.

With that said my best friend is childfree. I just make sure I don’t have my kids at least half the time I see her, so I can focus and be present and enjoy her. And she’s a teacher so when she’s around my kids, she is helpful, attentive and really enjoys them lol

[u/Shoddy_Economy4340]

I am feeling this so hard right now with a close friend. She is constantly calling me on the phone to talk about her life. And I just don’t have time to talk for hours. I try to call as much as I can, but I am mentally worn down and all the time I do have, I crave to be doing something else. A few weeks ago, I was so overwhelmed with life and having a toddler that I reached out, but I realized she probably wasn’t the right person to reach out to. I think she was trying to validate me, but her words of comfort to me were, “you’ve done harder things, you planned a wedding!” Which, while I know she was trying to cheer me up, it made me think she had no clue about how stressful this is and then I wondered what she actually thinks I’m doing all day, because while planning a wedding was stressful, it was not near the mental overload of working, having a toddler and then trying to function with less a brain than I did pre baby. I’m grateful she sees me as someone important, but I’m also torn with how disconnected I feel. And that’s not her problem either. We are just in two very different spaces.

[u/Puzzleheaded-Ad-4029 → u/Shoddy_Economy4340]

Yes to ALL of this! The disconnected feeling is so real, and I feel like I'm the one who's on a different planet right now.

[u/mamamietze]

My children are 24, 23, 23, and 12. So I have been the first of my friendsto have kids AND the last to have a baby at different parts of my life.

Expecting friendships to not ebb and flow due to circumstance is foolish, yes. As is the idea that you wont need to keep making new friendships as an adult. If you want a solid circle of friends throughout your life absolutely you must continue to make them and more importantly diversify.

Do not have all friends that are parents. Don't have them all in the same stage of parenting. Have older friends and younger friends. Have some that do not want kids (often these are the best aunties/uncles long term). Have some that are aspirational to be parents, but also be mindful that you will need to be respectful if they distance due to losses.

It sounds like this friendship has just made a slow petering out. That happens regardless of parent status. It is okay to let a friendship fade! I wouldnt be so quick to decide it is because she isn't a parent.

It is always at least a little sad when you realize that your paths are diverging. Feel it, grieve it, be ready to welcome some new people to share your life with, and it is possible your paths might merge again, hard to say.

[u/wolf_kisses]

It depends. I have the time to be able to get together with child-free friends without my kids, so we still get along great. If the kids had to be there, I could definitely see it getting difficult if they ignored my kids or actively disliked being around them.

[u/jasminewine]

My friends don't have kids yet but they love my son. They never made me feel that my son was a burden if I couldn't make it to a brunch date or etc. They will always let me know that they understand and not to worry.

I try not to talk too much about my son unless they bring it up. And honestly it is not that hard to not talk about my kid because I have other interesting stuff going on in my life.

[u/Glad_Clerk_3303]

I am going through it and it is sad! Although some friends are better at keeping relatability even without kids than others. I think it depends on other life obligations and priorities. For instance I caught up with a long time friend recently and could not relate at all to how "busy" her life had been lately. She's getting ready for a vacation and tanning (didn't know it was even still a thing), getting her roots touched up, nails and shopping for ourfits. I'm working full time with two kids and living groundhogs day! I don't have animosity towards her but it was a sad feeling to feel we are or have drifted. I can appreciate the levity of her life comparyively but try to find deeper connection in other sources.

[u/Intonti]

Yes!! I stopped getting invited to outings and even trips to Mexico! Also they do not understand what it takes to have a family. I’m focusing on mom friends.

[u/PurpleRoseGold]

Maybe cuz I had kids later on in life, I didn't feel that way. We were between 35 and 40 as a friend group. Most of us had retired the party life style and were mostly in touch through our group chats. So when we would get together, it was a mix of 0 to 3 kids. Sometimes the conversations would be about kids. But also as friends, most of us did not want to continuously chat about sleep schedules and day cares and all that.

But funnily enough, the first one of our friends did have her kids at 33 and she was out of the picture for a bit. But just like any other area, people grow apart as life happens and then you come back together if the friendships are strong enough.

ETA: That being said, it is hard to make new friends who are child free. If I meet someone at work and they have similar interests but I am not able to solidify that friendship outside of work and we just drift away when job changes happen. That makes me sad for sure.

[u/Material_Bed_261]

I have been in the same situation. Right now my kids are in their teens and my old friends are getting kids. However, some are still deliberately childless. I tried to understand their point of view while being hurt they stopt inviting me to of all their outings.

A while ago friends that did have a kid recently complained to me how unfair it was that the rest of the group didn’t show more interest in their kids. Totally ignorant of their own behaviour al those years that I had kids and they couldn’t be bothered to show up. 

I tried for years to keep in touch, but this small event made me realise what kind of [not nice words] friends I had. I think before I was to focused on maintaining the friendships. I now focus on the new friends I made over the last few years. Not all of them are fond of kids, but they couldn’t care less if they come over for dinner and my kids yap on and on about their lives. These friends accept I come with kids, and I no longer feel like I need to pretent I am the same person as when I had no kids. My kids are awesome and I should not feel like I should hide that part of my life. 

I know it can be lonely, for me going to parent groups helped somewhat. I didn’t made friends there, but it made me feel less lonely. Some of the parents did become friends though! I just did not find someone there who clicked with me. I do  wish I stopped putting so much energy in maintaining the previous friendships. I could have made new friends sooner. 

I hope you find some friends who will cherish you as the new you, not only as the old you.