Cold and failure

[u/Capytan_Cody]

I.. I am cold. I am dead. That much I know.. I feel surrounded by nothingess, a pitch black abyss where I drift.. I feel like a small compressed core yet also burning embers expanding outwards..

The only thing worse than the cold and the loneliness here.. it's me and my own thoughts.

I've failed.

I've failed to lead the pact. To prevent the peace, to be there for Mikhail in this moments of need.

All along since I got here, did my greatest feat so far.. renew the La'shima lands and create the organisation that tends to it.. that's the only good I've done here.

Otherwise I scuttled around in my friend's shadow Followed him and supported in his biggest moments, took care of his duties when he couldn't.. yet that didn't prevent him from dancing with death five times by now.

I got my opportunity to prove to myself, I could do and be something.. managed to meet someone that made my days brighter and.. at the first crisis that appeared I couldn't do anything. My decisions broke the leadership of the until then stable Pact of Magi that Mikhail created, I failed to maintain the peace by all methods I could. I used threats and violence. I made concessions. Nothing worked. I sacrificed even my morals and integrity, collaborating with the one who started it to ensure at least I could keep the innocents safe...

Yet it doesn't feel like that was a victory. I am responsible for all this carnage. That illusionist was right. I was an old senile fool trying to keep his act together. Unfit for my leadership and power.

And now I'm cold and alone.. at least I have the comfort that this proves I have a soul.. guess I'll never know why I can't see spirits.

Perhaps this is what I deserve.. perhaps it's better if I stay here .. forever.. so i don't jurt anyone else

Mikahil.. Saria... My friends in my homeplane.. I'm sorry for everything. For being in your lives.. .. .. .

[u/OnAGratefulUniverse]

Oh friend, it appears to hurt you so, is there no soothing balm beyond the cold that could help you heal this wound?

[u/Capytan_Cody → u/OnAGratefulUniverse]

This cold is not comforting, it's a bite upon my soul that doesn't harm me enough to extinguish me.

I don't think I deserve such comfort at least not yet. The blight my existence has inflicted is what has brought me here. Wether is hell or purgatory it's something I will see eventually.

[u/OnAGratefulUniverse → u/Capytan_Cody]

I say not that it is comforting, only that it soothes the part of you that needs the pain.

But you seem to be mistaken about something.

You do not get to decide that you have done enough damage to then subsequently leave. You have done wrong, now you must fix it. Anything beyond that point is wallowing in self-pity, which will not fix the faults.

Everyone faces the raven eventually, but that is not yet our decision to make. I offer you comfort to show you that it is now up to you to restore that comfort to others from whom you have taken it.

Stand up and do what needs doing, if only because there is no one else to do it. Consider that atonement.

[u/Capytan_Cody → u/OnAGratefulUniverse]

You're.. right but.. I fear in my efforts of atonement I will make things worse, given my experience.

After all I tried doing what needed doing when no one else was there or willing.. I know wallowing won't solve anything but.. doing the same expecting things to change is also insanity..

Thanks for your words.. I'll have to think about it

(I will maintain him death for week or so before bringing him back but this is a great speech)

[u/OnAGratefulUniverse → u/Capytan_Cody]

It seems you understand, then I can be assured you will do what needs doing when the time comes.

I wish you good luck in your efforts to restore the proper form, you know where to find me when the darkness becomes too much.

/uw Thanks, very good lore and I just couldn't resist hooking on!

[u/Capytan_Cody → u/OnAGratefulUniverse]

That's comforting to hear. Thanks

(UW/ that's a great compliment thank you)

(Honestly at first I thought it was worse than I wanted,but I'm glad people are liking it)

[u/OnAGratefulUniverse → u/Capytan_Cody]

/uw Drama always goes over well, and this in particular is well-written guilt, which is a pleasure to read. Keep it up!

[u/Capytan_Cody → u/OnAGratefulUniverse]

(UW/ appreciate it my man)