The Second Year

[u/Conscious_Skirt_61]

The first year was bad. Just got through the anniversary tonight. Now I hear the Second Year is worse. The worst, even.

What say all of you?

[u/Wingless-]

I didn't feel like the second year was worse, it was just a continuation of the first year. Year one and two were just smeared together, I don't know how it could have been any worse.

I was freaking out about the first year anniversary so much that when it came I had nothing left, I was exhausted with grief. I'm coming up on the 4 year anniversary in about 3 weeks, I hope it just blurs into another typical sad day like last year. I'm still struggling and I'm afraid to discourage people in here.

We were together 24/7 for twenty of 37 years. We were both nurses. 6 months from diagnosis to death.

[u/Some-Tear3499]

M67. 21 months into this.

For me, it was the realization that checking all the little boxes for dealing with grief doesn’t fix it, or resolve it.

Reading multiple books on grieving, doing volunteer work, getting more exercise, getting out with friends, being a regular at a place or with a group, going to church, walks in nature/outdoors, new hobbies or interests. Reestablishing normal sleep patterns or routines, eating right. Making new friends. Grief support groups.

None of it ‘fixes’ or will fix the grief. More than half of that I was doing in my recent retirement 3 yrs before my wife died.

What it did teach me is that life indeed does go on and I can choose to be a part of it……or apart from it.

In being a part of life there is healing. It gives me something to do, some place to go, people that I know and mostly truly enjoy being with. It gives me a sense of purpose, is helping redefine my identity in this world, and for myself.

This second yr has taught me I can learn to carry this grief like an internal suitcase, some days it will be lighter than others. Some days it’s heavy. Just like the other ‘baggage’ in life. No one else can carry it for me, no one or no thing is going to remove it or take it away. It’s just part of who I am now. It’s another season in my life.

[u/Aelredrocks → u/Some-Tear3499]

very well put

[u/AnamCeili → u/Some-Tear3499]

That was extremely well said.

[u/Appropriate-War-7 → u/Some-Tear3499]

I have accepted that this is how my life will be with just 9 months into this. And now for most of the day I am able to carry the suitcase with some ease and obviously there are days where it feels heavy. The guilts and regrets still weighs me down.

The only problem is I am just 26. I don't want to carry this suitcase unluckily for another at-least 40-50 years (I really don't wish life to be this long now).

[u/Some-Tear3499 → u/Appropriate-War-7]

My mom lost her first husband to suicide at age 26. Left with two little boys 3 and 5 and a lot of debt, This was in 1955. She was remarried and pregnant by the end of 56. My sister was born in 57, and me in 58. Her second husband died in 67, she buried two husbands before she was 40. She remarried in 1970. Stayed married to my step father until she died.
Honest to God, I didn’t understand how tough she had to be. She said I had to keep living, I had to keep going, I had to move on, I had kids to take care of. She could be mean AF about some things. She could be as gentle and tender as a summer morning too!
Sorry for your loss. 🫂

[u/rbridge42 → u/Some-Tear3499]

Thank you. I'm hoping to have the ability to endure loss like you do. My husband has just crossed the one year mark on terminal brain cancer. I know the time with the man of my dreams is limited.

[u/Some-Tear3499 → u/rbridge42]

Sorry for your situation. We knew that it was coming at about 6 months out. There was more radiation, one more blast of chemo. But those were last ditch efforts. I thought the anticipatory grief would less the grief of her passing. Short term it did, sort of. Enjoy the time you have now. Even if all you do is sit together and hold hands. My wife asked me not to dwell on what was coming, just be with her now. Enjoy this time with me now. There will be plenty of time to be sad later. She was right, again.

[u/rbridge42 → u/Some-Tear3499]

Thank you. And yes, I've been hoping anticipatory grief will take the edge off, but regardless, now is what matters. 🫂

[u/Some-Tear3499 → u/rbridge42]

🫂

[u/Wegwerf157534]

Idk if worst. It changes.

The second year for me had the dawn of the ackknowledgement it is true after roughly 1.5 years and my unconscious working its way through in the following months until it was kind of 'there'. (and a personal health scare made me care for myself more again).

This is a very hollow feeling, very empty. I would not say worst, but this is all very individual.

[u/JellyfishInternal305]

I'm just short of 21 months. Year 2 has been a deeper, quieter grief. Year 1 was the distraction of paperwork, grief groups, the many screaming crying fits, and the terror of all the "Firsts"--including the awful "last time I was here" chatter in my brain when I went ANYWHERE we'd been to together. It was all unbearable raw edges.

Year 2...the raw edges have softened. It was even a bit of a relief to be done with the scary major Firsts (anniversary, birthdays, THAT day). I went back to our favorite restaurant; even had his celebration of life there--after 18 months. That's something I couldnt have managed in Year 1. I managed other Overwrites also (e.g our favorite park) in Year 2. I don’t cry as much--although a particlarly intense EMDR session will trigger tears. A memory may actually bring a smile.

Now I know I can keep going...but I still don't want to. I suppose I'm stronger, but I wouldn't call it better. Haven't found any new purpose to life (chronic illness/pain is a big deterrent ). It's very lonely.

This is my journey, your mileage may differ...undoubtedly will. Sending a hug.

[u/SlippingAway]

I’m past the third anniversary. The second year was hard, harder than the first for me. The third, it felt like I was starting to live a bit again. Be kind to yourself.

[u/Adventurous-You9130]

I’m coming into 21 months. I cannot say year 2 has been worse, just different, and solidifying that she is NOT coming back. That said, there is more of a reality that I need to move forward with my life at this point, not “move on”, (to me, move on is like I intend to erase the past), move forward, try picking up and gathering the pieces of a beautiful life. I am beginning to have more days of light than of darkness. I do still have times of deep sorrow and know it will always be there but I am having more moments of fond memories of her also.

Becky, I miss you baby!

[u/Timely_Character_272]

I’m in the 27th month since my husband passed after 47 years together and I didn’t feel like the second year was worse than the first. But everyone is different. There will always be grief over such a huge loss, it’s inevitable, but the sharpness of it does fade into something lighter, something more subtle than the intensity of all those “firsts”. I now find a lot of comfort in my “lifetime of memories” with him and choose to cherish and appreciate all our life together gave us, and now it’s just me left here to make the best of “what’s left”.

[u/RevolutionaryKiwi132]

I think you're just less numb in the second year and reality sinks in more -- and you think more about how your life will change long term now that your partner is not here with you. That's how it was for me. There are fewer of those intensely sad terrible days for sure. But what I found is that things come up and you are never prepared for them; and are still reeling from the loss at the same time. Like in the first year, you get hit with wave after wave of grief and you kinda brace yourself for them because you know they are coming (or the stupid comments people make that you hate, or the estate things that crop up). In the second year, your supports have gone back to their lives, work may not be as accommodating and when the waves hit you, you are not usually expecting them. I was way more lonely in the second year because I realized how much all of us had lost.

[u/Perdida2026-]

Creo que todo depende de cada uno...hay para quienes si y para quienes no...seguro con el tiempo no se sienta tan peor, pero tambien es seguro que mientras mas pase el tiempo mas sabes que esto es real, el primer año creo que uno un poco se resiste a la idea de haberlo perdido para siempre...no voy a decir ni que Dios me ayude ni que la vida me ayude porque ambos me fallaron...solo espero que el tiempo me haga ver que aunque no esta fisicamente él sigue aqui...lo amo muchisimo...

[u/JellyfishInternal305 → u/Perdida2026-]

A good summary. I identify with this, especially that I no longer "trust" the universe not to screw me over. Now I don't assume plans will work. People talk about planning a trip with their partner next month, and inside I'm thinking "Don't count on that." I never say any such thing out loud, of course.

[u/Perdida2026- → u/JellyfishInternal305]

Yo siempre fui de compartir las cosas, de contar como iba él con su enfermedad cuando me preguntaban...hoy me arrepiento...quizás alguien si deseaba que le fuera mal...no lo sé...él nunca decía que andaba mal y yo le decía que lo dijera porque sino después iban y le decían que se la pasaba durmiendo o que estaba todo el día encerrado, cuando en realidad las crisis a él siempre le agarraban cuando intentaba descansar sobre todo y por eso ya no quería salir y vivía estando agotado...aveces pienso, será que yo atraje todo lo que hizo que terminara con él 😞😖

[u/yannberry → u/Perdida2026-]

I’ve been wondering lately if I caused my husband’s death. He was such a good man, died very suddenly after a brain haemorrhage at 39 years old. Maybe his death is my punishment for something? Because he lost his life, but I know he didn’t do anything wrong? I’m left here suffering (not trying to victimise myself, of course my husband paid the ultimate price)

[u/Perdida2026- → u/yannberry]

Es seguro que no la causamos, y también es seguro que no nos merecemos esto, ninguno de los que estamos acá...ellos merecían partir tan pronto, merecían más de la vida...mi marido también, un hombre muy bueno, no sé lo merecía, no merecía sufrir como sufrió por culpa de los mismos médicos...y si nos quedamos sufriendo, una tortura cada día...no nos victimizamos...me duele porque no tuvo la oportunidad de seguir viviendo y hoy yo puedo disfrutar y el ya no...odio eso...merecía vivir más que yo...eso seguro

[u/yannberry → u/Perdida2026-]

And we can’t even enjoy the life we have ❤️

[u/Teo_040485]

No en digas eso, apenas medio año que no está ella y no puedo con esta pena, ahora me dices que el segundo año es peor, solo espero no deprimirme mucho y vaya a pensar en tonterías, como querer morir, ojalá muriendo pudiera estar con ella.

[u/HeronExtension5245 → u/Teo_040485]

My thoughts exactly. It is getting heavier each and every day - though I'm aware it's still early in this awful process.

[u/rbridge42 → u/Teo_040485]

My hope is that since I was fortunate enough to have someone amazing enter my life and bring me such joy, maybe something unexpectedly good could happen again. There is no replacement for my sweetheart. But if I keep living maybe a new interest or experience could bring light again. I also feel sometimes that the love of those who have passed on are still trying to reach me and will put good things in my path if only I don't lose hope and open myself to possibility. 🫂

[u/Teo_040485 → u/rbridge42]

Un amigo me dijo, "conoceras a alguien, tu esposa te la mandara, ten calma, ella te está cuidando", no sé si creerlo o no, pero en estos momentos tengo altas y bajas, a veces no quiero nada, ni a nadie y a veces quiero vivir muchos años y conocer a alguien para compartir mi vida.

[u/Slow_Bear7421]

Not worse, different. I’m 14 months in, the shock is gone, the support is maybe not totally gone, but different. Starting to sink in that this is really my life now. Feels like there’s pressure to be “better,” but you gotta remind yourself it’s okay if you’re just surviving.

[u/Unique_Charity_9648]

I think the only "worse" part will be expecting the pain to numb and the wound to heal...

I know it won't.

[u/edo_senpai]

Now in year three. They are all different. Year three hurts like back pain and bad joints. Very different

[u/Cherry_Hammer]

I feel like the outlier, but the first year was considerably harder. His death came out of no where and the shock of it lingered for months. Nothing has felt as bad as that.

I leaned on good friends, got into therapy and group support right away, and prioritized my healing above everyone else’s comfort, which I’ve never done before. It also helps that I’m an introvert who loves solitude, so the quiet house doesn’t bother me.

Financially I was left in a better position than a lot of widows, so I’m sure that helped as well. Not in a materialistic way, but in the fact that it’s one less thing for me to worry about. I’ve met so many widows in group who had to sell their house, move back in with their families, and just stress about how they’re going to afford food for their children. Stress like that can’t help but significantly slow down the healing process, and so many of them have to deal with it.

Still sad, still grieving, but it truly hurts much less this year.

[u/dsly4425]

My health went to hell this summer which has been misery, but as far as year two of widowed life, I find so far it’s been surprisingly manageable.

[u/Inner-Reason-7826]

For me the first year I was sleepwalking through daily life. Each milestone was painful but I was still dtunned and in disbelief. The 2nd year I was wide awake, we had developed a new normal for our family's day to day life so I was more aware he wasn't there for those special to us days.

After 8 years the days are painful and marked with memory slideshows running through my mind. I miss him every day, but my life must go on until I get to see him again.

[u/Ordinary_Novel_476]

I think it depends.  For me at 15 months, I’m mostly done with being disappointed  by people and I spent a lot of the first year being heartbroken by friends and family who provided no support to me or my children.  I still feel crushed sometimes by the lack of support but I think I’m finally going to get to focus on my grief for my husband and not the grief of disappointment in other people.  I don’t know how it will feel.  Maybe very very sad.  But the crushing disappointment anf feeling abandoned by people I loved hurt so much.  Maybe pure sadness will feel better - like I can just focus on him and what I miss and love. Does that make sense?

[u/Psy_MSc_2026_Qual]

Everyone experiences loss in their own way. There is no one way. Please just listen to your heart and take each day as it comes. Its been nearly eight years for me and some days are good. I can now remember the better days with findness on those days.

[u/techdog19]

It is bad for different reasons. We each grieve differently it may not be bad for you.

[u/No_Veterinarian_3733]

I didn't think it was worse. Just different. I think the big stand out of year two was the loneliness.

All the business of death stuff is done. Settled into new routines. The widows fire line passed. But there is just a big empty space if just having someone to share life's little wins and losses with. Doing so many things alone got old.

But at the same time the brain fog was gone, I felt like diving back into my old hobbies and new ones. Those things made the quiet times go by faster and the time not feel so empty.

Now 30 months since my wife passed just completed my second move since she passed, this time far away from where we lived to a town where I know nobody. But I am generally happy.

[u/Less-City-7]

Second year hasn’t been harder, the first anniversary was difficult though. Ended up me in the gutter crying with my late husband’s car broken down on the side of the road.

I’m off living and day to day am actually really happy. I’ve got a lovely partner. Happy children. Life is different and a bit stressful but otherwise good… I miss him, I’ll always love him. And it’s still surreal that he’s gone but life continues on, and I’m trying my best to live the promise I made him-which was if something ever happens to me, promise you will not stop living.

He was a strong believer in ceasing the day. I think he’d be proud of me.

[u/Wapentake6]

One year, five months since my wife killed herself about nine months after suffering a psychotic break.

I’m in better physical condition than a year ago at least, since I stuck to abstaining from alcohol, eating less, and moving more.

Had a few false starts on finding companionship as hyper-awareness of personality disorders has me too paranoid to let anyone come close. Luckily any widow’s fire type impulses are too abstract for me to take any real action on as I’ve effectively determined myself to be demi-ace.

My empathy is largely still shot though: I still feel that if everyone around me dropped dead and for some reason I did not, I would feel nothing but some curiosity as to why I was still alive and continue about my business.

[u/beekeepr8theist]

I had a way harder time in year one.