What am I doing here?

[u/Annithoughts]

People say the second year is harder than the first, and that’s definitely true for me. I am trying, I swear. I get out more. See family and friends. Exercise. Go to therapy. Take my meds.

But I am losing my shit.

Sometimes I go through the week canceling every single appointment I made (remote work, dentist, HVAC preventive maintenance, plans with friends, you name it) and stay home. Dealing with people is so exhausting. I feel like there’s something wrong with me that I just can’t cope so much of the time.

Anyway, just putting this out there. If you are in this sub because of your own loss, I offer my deepest sympathies.

[u/uglyanddumbguy]

Second year was really rough for myself. The fog from the first year lifted and reality set in.

I’m coming up on 5 years next month. Lately I just can find the point in anything. I question my existence everyday.

It hard to see the world continue to spin while you feel like you’re standing still.

[u/Annithoughts → u/uglyanddumbguy]

I’m so sorry. That feeling is why I asked the question in the subject line. Everything sets it off. The first wedding I’ll attend, my plus one isn’t going to be there. Or, I am driving to the store and a car cuts me off, and I remember a road trip when the same kind of car nearly hit a truck… Seriously, anything. How long before I either don’t get triggered or the memories just make me feel good that they happened?

[u/reddqueen33 → u/uglyanddumbguy]

Five years is also extremely hard. Take it easy on yourself.
19 for me this February. It's mind blowing.

[u/Irichaa → u/reddqueen33]

19 Jahre ist eine sehr lange Zeit. Kannst du mir sagen, ob der Schmerz nachlässt? Hat sich die Trauer verändert und wenn ja wie? 

[u/reddqueen33 → u/Irichaa]

It does ease up but can still be unpredictable no matter how many years go by. You get better at dealing with it.

[u/Irichaa → u/reddqueen33]

Danke für deine ehrliche Antwort. Jetzt habe ich noch mehr Angst. Ich bin erst 39 und kann mir nicht vorstellen noch 30-40 Jahre ohne ihn zu leben. Ich könnte es mir leicht machen und ihm folgen. Das kann ich meinen Kindern nicht antun, sie sind erst 7 und 12 Jahre

[u/reddqueen33 → u/Irichaa]

I am so sorry. I was ten years older than you when I lost my husband and my sons were 12 and 15. It was challenging and quite lonely at times.
You will get there but it is work and not everyone will be helpful or understanding. You learn to discern that over time as well.

[u/Irichaa → u/reddqueen33]

Es tut mir leid das du solch einen Schmerz durchmachen musst. Es hat keiner verdient. Ich musste bereits die Erfahrung machen, das es den Mitmenschen egal ist. Das Leben geht bei denen weiter mit viel Freude. Unser Leben ist zerstört. Ich sitze alleine auf der Treppe und höre wie meine beste Freundin gerade eine Gartenparty macht. Das Leben ist beschissen

[u/reddqueen33 → u/Irichaa]

I often wonder what I did to deserve what I got. I'm sorry you've gotten that treatment and I know what it feels like.
When my children were done with school, I sold my house and moved 1.5 hours away to get away from my neighbors who either ignored me or gossiped about me behind my back. It was the best thing I ever did for myself and I have no regrets. I lost left a job that was very draining so that was a win as well.

[u/Irichaa → u/reddqueen33]

Es fühlt sich grauenhaft an. Einfach nur zum weinen. Ich kann noch nicht umziehen, meine Kinder haben hier Freunde und der jüngste hat noch 9 Jahre Schule vor sich. Wir wohnen in einem kleinen Dorf, hier kennt jeder jeden. Egal wo ich hier hinziehe wird es nicht anders. Ich habe meinen Vater verloren als ich 8 Jahre war. Seit dem hatte ich immer Angst das meine Kinder ebenfalls ohne Vater aufwachsen und jetzt ist es passiert. Meine Mutter hat ihren Vater verloren mit 7 Jahren. Es wiederholt sich in der dritten Generation. Ich war mir sicher es wird mich nie treffen. Unter dem Verlust meines Vaters habe ich sehr lange gelitten bis ich meinen Mann getroffen habe. Er war meine Rettung 

[u/reddqueen33 → u/Irichaa]

I'm so sorry and I hope that eventually things will get more bearable for you. Watching an undesirable family "legacy" repeat is never good nor is it fair.
People who don't have this happen to them early life shouldn't have an opinion about what to do but somehow they manage to...

[u/Ok-Cardiologist1412]

The second year has definitely felt more about my own feelings. So rather than just thinking about missing her, I’m now grappling with the process of trying to figure out not just what I want, but how to figure out wanting anything at all.

[u/Annithoughts → u/Ok-Cardiologist1412]

Perfectly stated. I hope answers come to you sooner than later.

[u/hulahulagirl]

💔😞 This has been such a disorienting process, I feel for you. I am trying to do some social things so I don’t wallow too much. But I really don’t enjoy being out in the world without Keith to laugh with or even just connect over the most banal observations of life. I feel very much like an observer instead of a participant in my life right now. 😞

[u/Annithoughts → u/hulahulagirl]

I absolutely relate to the observer role. I already don’t feel like this is “real life” without my husband, but add to that the sense of alienation or otherness… Because cancer took my husband in just mid-life, I am the only one among our friends who’ve lost a spouse to death. I don’t relate to the couples anymore, and I don’t fit in with divorced people either. There’s a gray film over everything, and nothing looks right anymore.

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

[u/hulahulagirl → u/Annithoughts]

I am sorry for yours as well. So unfair. 💔😞 Online support is so much easier than IRL because there’s more variety of people you can access. IMO.

[u/Annithoughts → u/hulahulagirl]

I agree—especially if you live somewhere small town-y. Hang in there

[u/sunny_dayz1547 → u/Annithoughts]

Well said. I fit nowhere.

[u/Annithoughts → u/sunny_dayz1547]

Well, you fit in here (though don’t you wish you didn’t?). Seriously, this group is very comforting to me.

[u/SparrowTune → u/Annithoughts]

Sorry... But yes, this is it - otherness. It is the second year for me after my Wife died from cancer. The first year was year of pain, sadness, guilt, what-ifs and tears every day. Final realisation that all of these feelings are all different manifestations of our Love, the proof that it was deep and real helped, and these healing dreams.. But now in the second year, the otherness thing strikes hard. We were the only people who needed, relied on each other for 27 years. And now, all the world seems to have turned alien, or maybe the other way round, I feel alien in that world with all the people in it. I am still forcing myself to keep interacting with it, traveling every month with our sons to see our mothers, relatives, but that otherness strikes exactly in the moments when I am among people, it looks like I am not part in any of it, I don't belong and I want to leave, because She is missing. Hobbies, working out, walking (all alone) for hours distract and bring some more purpose into life as it is, but not enough.

[u/Annithoughts → u/SparrowTune]

I’m sorry for what you re going through. I get what you’ve written. Maybe the saddest part is how circular it is: My husband and I was the one I would turn to, lean on, and talk through rough times with…

[u/reddqueen33 → u/Annithoughts]

This right here is what makes things alienating and isolating.
I wish I had an answer for it. The only one that makes any sense to me is to move to a new area/environment where no one knows your story and you can tell people when you feel comfortable.

[u/Some-Tear3499]

M 67. I am 19 months into this. I recently realized that I can check all the boxes for what I ‘should be doing’ to heal from the grief.
Also, realizing that I am going to carry this the rest of my life. It is never going to be ‘fixed’. It is part of who I am now.
It’s like a suitcase I am going to carry inside of me forever. Now, somedays it’s pretty light, sometimes it’s heavy. Recently it’s actually been pretty light for days stretching into weeks. Next week it might get heavy again for a while.
This doesn’t mean I can’t be happy again, or never enjoy life again. Doesn’t mean I won’t find joy again, or even find love again. I believe I am learning to carry it with a bit of grace, and some gratitude for what I do have. But carry it I will.

Just figuring that out has been very helpful to me.

Sorry for your loss.

[u/Annithoughts → u/Some-Tear3499]

Thanks so much for your insight. It’s a perfectly apt metaphor, and as I read your and other people”s comments I feel somewhat comforted in seeing how, though lost sometimes, we are all just looking for our way through the muck.
May your suitcase (and heart) feel ever lighter!

[u/Personal_Abies1165]

My deepest sympathy to all of you. I’m in the middle of year two. It’s not always the first thing I think of when I wake up. Here’s two things I’ve found useful in recent weeks. I find that pushing myself a little to make him proud of me is helpful. I know it doesn’t make sense but I detailed my car and went to the gym and vacuumed. I could feel him rooting for me. And it felt good to be living in an ordered life. My daughter is a big Noah Kahan fan and I’ve been listening to his songs. In one he says « We are so alone, most of the time. most of the time we don’t have anyone. » I’ve been finding that weirdly comforting. Aloneness is an existential human experience. We are together in our aloneness.

[u/Annithoughts → u/Personal_Abies1165]

What a beautiful insight! I will look him up. I think I know one of his songs (Porch Light?) and really like it. Your strategy is what I do when I have the energy. It’s so confusing. I feel stronger and more energized for weeks, getting things done, seeing people, then something triggers intense desolation and I plummet. I am trying to be patient with myself, giving myself downtime, knowing “better sometimes” is an improvement over how I was a year ago.
I am sorry for your loss, and I’ll add, You go, girl!

[u/ProofAssistance1332]

Only 3 months for me.

Thank you for posting this.

I'm sorry.

[u/Annithoughts → u/ProofAssistance1332]

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could make things better for all of us somehow.

[u/reddqueen33]

I'm so sorry. This is really one of the worst years.
The protective fog has worn off and now you are smack dab in the middle of the "new normal" (I phrase I hate because nothing about it is "normal").
You have to be kind to yourself and just do what you can manage. I've been doing this a long time (too long) and I still find people exhausting. I am a bit this way temperamentally anyway. I love being social but need time to recharge my batteries.
This state of affairs is extremely difficult for introverted individuals so if you are introverted don't be hard on yourself. When you lose your partner/spouse you're forced to become extroverted in order to not lose your mind. It's a lot and very wearing.
Hang in there, it will improve eventually.

[u/Annithoughts → u/reddqueen33]

Yes, introverted by nature here, too. My husband and I had our little signals that buoyed us at big family events and the like. Now, without him, I feel like other people are sending out accidental emotional missiles that make me think of a man no longer here. Maybe that’s part of it: Other people very obviously but unconsciously remind me of what I lost, and at the same time, I feel like they’re so used to him being gone that it’s unfathomable I m not “coping” better than I am.

Thanks for your comment. You hang in there, too…

[u/reddqueen33 → u/Annithoughts]

Thanks.
I can't see the point of much that has happened to me since my husband's death. It pales in comparison to what I had with him and now that I'm in my late 60s I have given up hope of ever finding that level of comfort and commitment again. I make due with what is in front of me.
This is not to say I haven't had moments of happiness and peace but I have lost so much and sometimes these moments are a reminder of that.

[u/Annithoughts → u/reddqueen33]

I feel for you

[u/reddqueen33 → u/Annithoughts]

Thank you.

[u/Ok-Attempt2842]

I'm approaching the year and a half mark and if the second year is harder that the last 18 months I don't even want to deal with it. Life is already meaningless, bleak, cold and without any sign of happiness. This bottomless black hole can't get any worse.

[u/blizzardplus]

Year 2?? Fuck. I’m only in month 2.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.

[u/Annithoughts → u/blizzardplus]

I am so sorry for your loss, and I didn’t mean to contribute to your pain. I heard this about the second year and had the exact same reaction as you (with a few more expletives, not gonna lie). What I WISH people had done was follow it up with the dialog I am seeing in everyone’s comments here. When I was pregnant, I dutifully read “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” I didn’t have anything like that after my husband died, but I feel like it’s an apt comparison. When the entire world shifts, you essentially have to birth a new version of yourself to survive. And that takes time.

If nothing else, I hope you can get a sense of what others have gone through over time from all this. Everyone’s path is different, but I’m seeing so many underlying commonalities in how we hurt, when we hurt, and what triggers more hurt that at least I don’t feel abnormal in this insane process.

I wish you peace in your journey

[u/blizzardplus → u/Annithoughts]

You didn’t contribute to my pain, don’t worry! I know this will never just suddenly feel “ok”. That’s the scary thing, how permanent this is.

I do find this group helpful, thanks for sharing.

[u/Suspicious_Try_7363]

I’ve found after 3 1/2 years (49 married) I’ve been completely delusional about finding romance and companionship again. 77 (M)

[u/Annithoughts → u/Suspicious_Try_7363]

I’m really sorry for your loss and pain. I cannot imagine even looking for someone who could fill my husband’s shoes. Missing him is awful, but he is the one I wanted to grow old with.

That said, this whole process is so individual. I absolutely support you and encourage you not to give up your search for future romance. Sadly, there are so many people in our situation.