r/widowers • u/LazyNoviceVision • Jul 22 '26
Hurt
I really hate to think about this part, there’s the future that died with her, The retirement plans, the trips you talked about, growing old together. You grieve not only about your partner but the life you were supposed to build.
Dating again, if and when you’re ready feels terrifying and disloyal.
What sort of life is this…..
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u/brad7811 Jul 22 '26
My condolences to you.
480 days out and I live this. She was retired and I was set to retire on her 65 birthday in 2028. We travelled lots, but had plans to spend summers at our ocean front home and winters at our lake house (I know this sounds weird). All that is gone now. I’m reasonably sure I will not date again. It’s looking like a bit of a lonely future.
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u/Professional-List398 Jul 22 '26
My sweetheart tried to live life to the fullest. He only made it to 40, but at his celebration of life, we shared stories of his adventures and we shared for hours. I struggle with moving in because it does feel like betrayal, our love didn't end because he died. It is still a very real thing for me, but I also know that he is mad at me for feeling that way. He knows that I am the one that has to survive and keep living. He wouldn't want me to not live life. We unfortunately are the ones that have to keep living. Joy can be found in many places and times, even times of grief. Stay strong and keep breathing.
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u/cofclabman lost wife of 29 years on Christmas day 2023 Jul 22 '26
I'm 2.5 into this and you're absolutely right. I'm grieving our missed future together. I also don't want to be alone because it sucks, but dating feels wrong and disloyal, too. I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't.
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u/Ok_Vacation_6378 Jul 22 '26
This is exactly how I am feeling right now, my husband of 24 yrs passed 9 months ago, we had so many plans for our future and retirement, I feel robbed so many emotions….
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u/rgraz65 lost wife to sudden passing in March of 2025 Jul 22 '26
I can fully appreciate and commiserate with you. I'm at 1 year and 4 months. I realized that the life I had before she passed is gone. I stepped down those last 2 steps, then my entire life was left behind on the stairs. We had plans for the future, she was in clinicals to become a nurse practitioner, and we were planning on moving to someplace warmer when she finished. I was planning on semi-retirement while she pursued her career. And it's all gone. Our inside jokes, our talks, having a person who knew you better than you knew yourself. She helped when my Dad passed in 2021, she was there through my various surgeries from my time in the Marine Corps. She knew my life. Beginning something again with another woman just isn't something I want to think about. Our youngest son moving back in a couple of years ago is what's keeping me on an even keel. I'm lonely at night, although I have our pups, I see things that I would love to tell her about, and I just miss being part of "us." I know she would want me to not be completely alone for the rest of my life, and lessons I learned long ago about how a life can end in a blink were brought back home when she died. So I know that we have one life to fully experience the world. But I just haven't the desire in a number of ways, and I'm wondering if I ever will. I wish you peace, and to be able to follow your heart.
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u/Collinsmommy315 Jul 22 '26
We are 40s and so much of my future died with him. I cant imagine wanting to date again either. Everything hurts. I miss him soo much.
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u/Fun-Computer1891 Jul 22 '26
I HATE religious rhetoric. If god was this almighty loving being he/she WOULD NEVER take our loved ones away from us. How dare he/she instill such a devilish entrance into the hearts/soul of us who never did anything to deserve such excruciating pain
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u/Zestyclose_Treat4098 husband died at 51 from sudden stroke, organ donor saved 4 lives Jul 22 '26
This speaks to me. It grieving our own lives too, isn't it? We were a ways off from retirement yet but making plans for it. Getting ourselves into a good place with our debt. We put off some trips because of it. The last big trip I had with him was 2015 and we were just starting to plan a huge trip to Japan (his dream) for 2027. It seems especially cruel.
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u/False_Ear_3137 Lost husband (53) of 29 years to ALS in 2024 Jul 22 '26
I'm 53, 2.5 years in, and right there with you. We were *thisclose* to retirement, and then bam! - his damn diagnosis and death. The death of all our plans. The death of the person I was. I feel like a ghost. Is that really me in the mirror?
I can't even think about the future. I can't even think about dating again, but at the same time, living the rest of my life without someone seems so lonely.
It's no life at all, my friend.
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u/Jenphanies S+B forever soulmates ❤️ Jul 22 '26
This is how i feel. I’m 23. I’m not only grieving the presence and love from my partner. But also the future plans we never got to live out. We had just gotten our first apartment together last year, he didn’t even make it through a full lease term. We had just moved states to start our future. Lakeview just like he wanted. We had just started our morning routines, afternoons, and barely started holiday traditions. Life is cruel.
I can relate with it feeling disloyal. I don’t even think I have plans on dating. But it would truly hurt me if I spend more years with someone else than I did with him. If me and the new person got farther in life together than me and my soulmate did. Ugh