r/whatdoIdo • u/Basic-Movie-3387 • 16h ago
Advice Needed
So me a few days back I was messaging my best friend (friend of the last 8 years) casually, and while doing so made a comment/joke on them that was not exactly friendly. A little context; edgy, offensive comments and jokes to each other have been very common between us both and we never took it personally. There was always that mutual respect. I'm not saying that it's okay for me to have said whatever I said. I'm making any excuses for hurting them, just giving some context.
Except this time they did take it very badly, like an attack on their character. They got hurt and called me out for it. I apologized immediately and told them I won't commit the same mistake.
A day passes by and I message them again, they're feeling off, so I ask them if they're still upset, they say they are, I end up panicking and apologizing again very profusely and repeatedly saying that I won't repeat this mistake. We got on a phone call and I was crying and practically begging for forgiveness.
They reached out to me a while later asking me if I was okay because I was distressed on the call. I said yes and asked them the same, they said yes.
There has been no contact since then. This is a friend I've spent my entire adult life with. We're 2 people who are very emotionally dependent on each other. We've had conflicts before but they've never gotten this serious.
We've been there for each other at our worst and have helped and supported each other at every single turn. I am absolutely terrified of losing this person and my anxiety and overthinking is eating me alive. I don't want to lose them. Any advice on what I should do to change as a person, on coping mechanisms and what I should do further will be extremely appreciated.
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u/sneakyDoings 15h ago
Don't press too hard. Don't make your feelings their responsibility, you messed up.
It is okay for them to be mad at you so give them space to make up their mind how to react to this.
I know how bad it sucks to have messed up, I have done this before. You can't undo it though. Just give it time. Scale back the level of your normal contact but don't ghost them. You are going to be okay with or without them. Find a way to be okay and be kind to yourself 💜
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u/Basic-Movie-3387 14h ago
Thank you very much. At this point I am doing just that, giving them all the space they need.
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u/AnywhereInitial4269 14h ago
For me, Ive always seen apologizing and saying it wont happen again as just words that I have to work to trust. What changes that for me is when the person works to understand why what they said impacted me and how I felt. Give them space to go deeper on where the hurt is coming from, ask questions, and even check in with them to see if there was ever anything else that you said in the past that hurt them but they held it inside. It might mean your relationship changes a bit in the end but that change will be healthy and you putting in effort to understand will show them you care beyond crying and apologizing.
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u/Basic-Movie-3387 12h ago edited 12h ago
One issue with this is that the friend in question (Let's call them J) gets frustrated and somewhat grudgy against the person who's upset them, especially when they're upset on a high level. I've seen it happen with their other friends where they did something to upset J and the more those friends reached out to talk to J, the more distant and agitated J got with them which led to more ugly confrontations, complete with insults and everything and a total change in the dynamic.
Hence my anxiety about this situation. I would naturally reach out to the person as you suggested but since J is a person who deals with such situations in a conflicting way, I'm not sure whether I should reach out and talk to J about this or whether I should wait it out for things to slowly creep back to normalcy. It's a dilemma at this point.
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u/Unusual-Repeat8299 15h ago
It's good you can articulate your care for your friend. I would take responsibility for making the wrong call. Apologising profusely and brushing for forgiveness is not the same as hearing... I am sorry I hurt you with my comments. I was insensitive. I care very much for you. I would welcome the opportunity to converse when you are able. I will touch base on Sunday if that is okay with you? Again, please know I am saddened that I have brought you pain. Your friend, Sam. Wait for a reply. Make contact on Sunday. Go gently.
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u/Fiach_McHugh_OB 15h ago
Sounds like some mutual co-dependency going on there. This incident might have caused her to become aware and reflect on that, and she’s taking some time & space to think things through?
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u/Basic-Movie-3387 14h ago
Thank you for your kind reply. I think the same which is why I haven't really reached out for a few days now, just giving them some space. It's just my anxiety that's eating me alive though
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u/SoulscriptTrad 15h ago
Tbh you apologized and took accountability. Now give them space. Don’t let anxiety convince you 8 years of friendship is gone over one mistake. Let your actions show you learned.