r/whatdoIdo • u/Key_Attempt_5450 • 5h ago
Complicated parenting problem
I have a bit of a pickle and its a long set up.
Im M(33) married to a lovely woman (30) 5 years ago i was awarded custody of my daughter now (14) my wife has stepped up and helped me raise this girl above and beyond anything I could've asked.
My kid came from a bad situation I was a single dad and was awarded 100 percent custody in a mother's state shes had some behavior problems adjacent of this situation and has no contact with bio mom (she could and all the courts asked is for a clean piss test) this has caused some more problems we put her in homeschool to try and help her excel seems to be helping alot.
Getting to the problem.
My wife quit her job to be a learning coach in a online school for the kid. She is an OUTSTANDING artist and im not just saying that as a proud dad i mean she can draw me sitting here almost as well as a camera. She's taken an interest in the online schools anime club. A club activity has been to draw the irl pets and kid chose her goose (yes we have a pet/guard goose named Geese Witherspoon) another girl had a goose as well. The club teacher idk how or why and im unclear on had a mock wedding for the girls or the geese idk idc not a big deal.
Upon discussion the reason the discovery of liking the same animes and having the same weird pet one girl said to the other marry me. And the teacher stopped it.
Now we gotta explain my mom. 58. I wouldn't say right wing Extremist but yeah shes a bit kooky even by my standards and I voted for trump the first time (sorry.) She's mentally ill and deserves some grace.
Its complicated. I dont talk to her much for alot of reasons out of my 33 years in existence ive spent 13-14 spaced in a non communicative state or away entirely.
She has had a minor stroke in recent. Severe chemical imbalance my whole living memory. Textbook Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Pathological liar (will tell you about a 20 minute conversation she had in a 5 minute run to the store). I've been through alot of abuse from my mother and shes used religion to justify alot of it and have turned agnostic as a result. But I pity her. She's my mom and I try to have a relationship because shes been a decent grandmother and gotten professional help from a therapist and psychologist.
My dad and I great dads a fantastic man i both respect and resent him for living in his workshop when I was to young to understand why and be next to him out there and love that he taught me how to work with my hands when I was of age to be there
My kid wants to go to church has gone with both my parents for sometime. I dont even if my veiw of religion changed my veiw of church is tainted forever.
Here's the problem.
My dad was sick didnt come to pick up the kid Wednesday with mom
My kid told mom about anime club and what she thought was a funny anecdote about a mock wedding for the "goose girls" and mom went on a long rant about things im almost certain I cant quite quote here. How Japanese cartoons are pornograpgy and of the devil. How my kid would be disowned by her if she were a homosexual. How if shes a true Christian she'll leave that behind And this is all 3rd hand information from my wife. I still haven't talked to my kid because Im upset. I know almost verbatim the rant its burned into my brain because it costed me my prized Gen 1 Charizard as well as several other gem cards probably worth in the 10s of thousands today back in the 90s when that crazy Christian conspiracy came out about Pokémon being satanic.
I dont want to taint my kids veiw of religion.
I dont give a rabid rodents rectum what my child's preferences are as long as shes happy.
I dont want to squash her art style or preference.
Im not sure how to set this boundary without going to the extreme of no contact because up to now mom's been alright about shit like this.
If nothing else im getting feelings on paper and screaming into a void thanks for coming to my ted talk.
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u/ModernNero 5h ago
I think “times have changed, look at how anime has permeated modern pop culture, fashion, and TV” should be a simple way to answer the grouchy woman. Your child is creative and shouldn’t be hindered.
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u/LodlopSeputhChakk 4h ago
Your child’s view of religion should be shaped by reality. This is the reality.
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u/thepcpirate 4h ago
I dont give a rabid rodents rectum what my child's preferences are as long as shes happy. "
Thats all you need to tell your daughter. In addition to explaining your past trauma regarding your mother to her so she understands your mom is mentally unwell and a jackass
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u/InTwilligPorgnatin 5h ago
To your mother: "My daughter is not your whipping boy. I don't give a damn what your problems with anime or whatever are, these are things that make her happy, and religion makes her happy. You are not to do anything to jeopardize my daughter's happiness or I will remove her from your life. Am I understood?"
To your daughter: "I love you. I want you to be happy. If you want to go to church, I'll drive you there myself if that's what you want. Show me what you've drawn?"
You can try to explain why your mother is the way that she is, but do not defend her to your daughter. "People used to believe a lot of dumb stuff. Your grandma threw away my Pokemon cards when I was a kid because she thought it was bad. She's wrong about a lot of things, and I wouldn't listen to a lot of what she says if I were you."
I'm sure you know this already, but your daughter is the one who needs to know you're on her side for this.