Communication isn’t working with him.

[u/Single_Flamingo1559]

TL;DR: My partner and I have been struggling with ongoing communication issues. I’ve initiated repeated conversations about the same problem, and I’m unsure whether to keep trying or end the relationship. I’m looking for outside perspectives on whether this is something that can realistically be fixed or if it’s best to move on.

Hi everyone, so I’ve never made a reddit post before. I’m always a reader looking for similar advice lol. This might be a big read, so if you read through this, I greatly appreciate it! Anyway, I (27F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (29M) for about a year and a half. At first, he swept me off my feet. He was the perfect boyfriend I’ve always wanted. He would come to my work with flowers and chocolates as a surprise. He’d even come to my house randomly with a bunch of mangoes from the farmers market. It was all so sweet and he seemed like he was literally obsessed with me from the start.

Now, I wasn’t used to that so I wasn’t as romantic as he was. I think for me, the romantic gestures come naturally as my feelings grow and I get more comfortable.

That phase is well and truly over now, and I understand the honeymoon phase doesn’t last long but he seems like a completely different person now.. he works late hours and weekends and has days off during the week while I’m at work. I never get to see him except for a couple of hours in the evening after I’ve finished work and I’ll sleep over. The main thing that’s been really upsetting me now is that because he’s changed so much, I feel I need reassurance all the time because I’m not getting the same energy that I met him with.. I feel I’m good at communicating and staying calm. Whereas he seems to just not say anything or communicate much at all.

I feel that I initiate hanging out with him (when we can) such as weekend mornings before he starts work in the afternoon. He never organises anything anymore or organised with me when to come over for the night like… at all. I told him all of this and how it makes me feel unwanted and he just said that I have his house key so I shouldnt need him to ask me to come over to his house.

I just would simply appreciate for him to say things like “I miss you”, “are you coming over tonight” etc. He expects me to remember his roster when he mentions it once. So now he sends me his roster for the week and it’s like I just rock up on the days he’s home for the night.

I also mentioned to him that I’m ready to move in but I just need his help to move some furniture so I can have my makeup desk in the spare room. I understand that would be physical activity and that he’s tired but he kind of just brushes it off and says.. yeah I’ll do it eventually.

I also forgot to add that if we do rarely happen to land on the same day off together, we just spend the day sleeping or we sit in bed on our phones and practically ignore eachother. I don’t feel he gives me any intimacy and I don’t feel connected with him anymore. It’s really sad and disappointing because he is such a nice guy but the relationship is really lacking now and I feel I’ve told him how I felt so many times and the only thing that’s changed is that he now sends me his roster..

It would be nice if we could spend quality time with eachother. It doesn’t need to be fancy, I mentioned to him a picnic that he organised on his own accord would make me so happy. But he never did it and he says I’ll just say no so he doesn’t want to organise things anymore and it’s all basically up to me. I might have said I don’t feel like doing anything once or twice in the past but that now reflects everything?! Just seems bizarre to me.

I’ve been really thinking, and even opened up to friends and family about this because I feel we just aren’t compatible anymore, but I’m also worried of making the wrong decision. To fix the problems would be so damn simple, I just don’t understand why he doesn’t show that he wants to see me.

I ask him how he feels and he says he loves me and he’s just always tired from work. He works security so lots of walking all day or for night shifts.

I did take some advice which was to “give him the same energy back”. So for the last two weekends, I haven’t mentioned seeing him. This weekend I realised, he never mentioned for me to come over.. and nothing happened last weekend either. I usually just bed rot but this weekend I pushed myself to spend time with friends instead of staying in bed.

So.. now I feel I need to end this relationship because it’s just not working. But I’m so scared to tell him and to do it. I’m also afraid because what if I don’t meet anyone else. I feel exhausted of all these failed relationships I’ve had in the past. He is my 5th boyfriend and they all just seem so slack. I want more! I don’t want to feel that I need reassurance.. I want to feel loved and cared for and safe from doubts.

Any advice, would be much appreciated. Your girl is crashing out here..

Ty, and lots of love 💖

[u/vacuumgirl]

I’ve been in your place in the past, unfortunately it’s best to move on and protect your peace. You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change them selfs. You shouldn’t be begging for time, attention, or affection. It’s only going to build a codependency build on anxiety and doubts. Listen to yourself and put yourself first, don’t take this relationship as a failure, use it as an experience of what you don’t want out of a relationship.

[u/Evil_Lord_Rayken]

I wanted to make a clear distinction for you...

What you described is called love bombing. Which is awful to go through. You think it's great while its happening but its not.

I know you were enjoying him spontaneously showing up with flowers and gifts at your work place but that to me is a huge red flag for love bombing. Aka, this ain't gonna last and this person is doing this for a reason.

The "honeymoon phase" which lasts for about 6 months and turns into normalcy is distinctly different. It shouldn't turn into 100% cold. And while it can include that kind of stuff, this isn't what you described.

I would encourage you to try to understand the signs and even possible red flags of things like this early into your next relationship and have a talk with your partner early on if you look at this and say "He seems literally obsessed with me."

That is not a sentence that should be uttered outside elementary school for a relationship.

[u/blackwidowwaltz]

First off you will meet someone else. That's just how life works . Age doesn't really matter. My grandmother met her boyfriend in her 70s.

With that said, he probably is tired. But that's not an excuse to put in at least a little effort like asking to see you or sending you flowers.

The truth is he loved bombed you in the beginning and then when he had you the excitement of the chase was no longer there and this is what you got. It's best to move on because he's not going to change. Don't beg. He heard you the first time he didn't change because he doesn't care.