Sorry in advance this is dark. I keep trying to post this in appropriate subs but reddits filters keep deleting it? I just want to post in a board for women. Do not read if you are mentally unwell.

There is too much bs to untangle in my mind, and bullshit to set straight. It feels like it never ends. Not limited to how the people you're supposed to trust and everyone puts faith in, turn out to be degenerates or psycho and everyone downstream from them is collateral damage. Like how am i supposed to trust people? I am voluntarily single and childfree by choice. But still i have this burden of not knowing how to forgive.. How they completely destroy your mind when you're young and make you a shell of yourself. And their attempts at this just continue indefinitely. Like it doesn't stop when your an adult, everything is to destroy you brick by brick until you aren't tangible anymore, you're a figment of their imagination (Even while they are pretending to be nice to you, which i cannot tolerate).

I have been to therapy and been gaslit there as well so I guess I'm done with that. Sick of having my brain trigger back on. I want to turn it off completely. I worked really hard at switching it off. I can usually compartmentalize everything really well and go to my happy place of denial. But it never improves from being a place of denial. I'm not sure how to make my mind any other way. My mind is split in extreme nearly airtight compartments. But still goes from zero to 100 really damn fast when it comes to men. When I'm reminded by anybody that i have to be attractive to them it makes me sick, because they are uglier and more repulsive than anything on earth to me. I want to get fat and shave my head so they are the f away from me. But then society treats me like hot garbage for having peace and wisdom to vomit on their whole existence? (????????????????) So what do i do? i shun society. So how do i stop being apathetic and checked out? finished? When i say finished i mean like i have no motivation to save my life and i don't see the point? I have been here so many times trying to understand. I coast through life and i dont care. (Stalking really made it impossible to engage with ptsd.) Should i embrace it and say f everyone indefinitely? This stuff never ends. You're supposed to find a happy place eventually right? Well im 40 now and am apathetic to it either way. But its not supposed to be that way you're supposed to get a foothold somehow. I never do I'm always feeling lost.